Hi to everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I am not sure if anyone can really help me, but it helps to get my feelings out sometimes so I dont go crazy. I appologize if I come off sounding like a whiner, or weak, but I am at the point where I just don't care.

I have been sick with side effects of Methadone for nearly two weeks now. My PM doc has since changed me to MS Contin, which does not have any sides, but is doing very little for the pain. We need to adjust the dosage now that we have determined I dont have any adverse sides to the medication. The thing is, my next appointment isnt until Sept 19, and I hate to start out my relationship with my new doc with me always calling in and asking for something.

I ended up in the hospital last week due to severe constipation. Last Thursday night was my evening to have my 3 year old daughter, but due to me being ill, I just couldnt do it. It was also my weekend to have her this past weekend, but my GP told to keep my self on bed rest and recover, so I could not have her. Today I was vomitting so bad that I missed work.

I called my ex up so I could talk to my daughter and let her know that I will be picking her up from daycare tomorrow and that we will have the entir late afternoon/early evening together. She always likes to know who is picking her up. I asked my ex if I could speak to my daughter(whose name is Kennedy, so from now on I will call her by name). When my ex asked her if she wants to speak to daddy , I heard her say in the background "NO!". My ex asked her again, and again she said no, and when asked why, Kennedy said, "cause I don't love him"

My jaw dropped, I was in shock, this is not what I need to be hearing now, hoping that I imagined it, I asked my ex "what did she just say?" and she told me "because I dont love him".

My ex told her that it wasnt nice to say that, and that her dad misses her and wants to say hi, again she said no, "I go play with my kitties". I ended the conversation with my ex, and then I began to cry.

Now, I know she is only 3 years old, and kids that age say alot of things they dont mean, and I know from firt hand experience that if she didnt get a nap at daycare, she can be a real bear, but a part of me is feeling guilty because maybe I let her down this weekend by not having her. She did not know, nor was she ever told she was going to spend the weekend at dad's house, but maybe she thinks I dont want to spend time with her anymore. I dont know what to think.

Between the excrutiating RSD pain, being ill, recovering from the severe constipation, and missing work and feeling like my career is slipping away from me,I feel like I am cracking up. I just cant do this on my own. Most days I manage to keep it together,but today is taking all I can just to do so.

Again, thank you so much for listening to me, I dont know what I should do. Life sure is hard sometimes isnt it? I am usually strong, but I think the straw that broke the camel's back was what Kennedy said.

I hope you all had a better day than I.

peace
terry

Hi Terry,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this now on top of everything else. You said you're going to see Kennedy tomorrow, right? Wait and see how she reacts to you tomorrow. She might be fine with you. As you said, maybe she just had a bad day. Hang tight until you see her. Things migt be okay. By the way, I like her name-very cute. Good luck and let us know how she is with you tomorrow or whenever you see her. Sorry I couldn't be of much help.

Sharon :)

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Don't feel guily about being sick and not being able to spend time with kennedy. If you did take her you would of been to misreble to enjoy your time with her anyway.

When you are feeling better plan a special day and do somthing she really enjoys. she is still so young try not to take it to heart what she said. As she gets older she will start to understand what you are going through.

Even though you had a rough day and got upset by kennedys remark, You are still Daddy to her and you hold a special place in her heart.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Take care
cattys

Im sorry to hear that...This may make you feel better.

When I was 4 my dad got up and left I barely remember it...(I re-read that and it sounded bad) what I meant is my dad left and you have a dibilitating disease and still stick in there :) So it is true at that age she will say things or do things that she probably wont even recall.

Don't worry, it'll be ok. In a few years she will appreciate, and relise how lucky she is that her father wants to be involved in her life.

Keep Positive and keep seeing her hope your pains ok mines meh today too much school.

Take care Terry, things will get better with your daughter

[This message has been edited by Percussionist (edited 09-09-2003).]

Terry
What a hard day. Hang in there. Kennnedy will recover from her disappointment, or lack of nap like you said, but what's most important is that you recover from the hurt and guilt. It is so frustrating not being able to be the parent I want because of the pain or meds or side effects. And yes my kids say rotten stupid things that break my heart - but I am so important to them - as you are to Kennedy.


I have an odd suggestion that has helped at times my 8 year old and I:
Is there a story you can make up that "explains" so when unexpected problems come up you can say "just like Prince so and so...who loved his little girl... etc. OR is there a book out there for kids whose parents have pain conditions or illnesses that may give her some frame of reference?

Hold your head up. You are amazing that you have any energy or heart to spend with your daughter. There was nothing stopping my ex and he missed a whole year with our daughter. She may not understand but that doesn't mean you are doing a bad job. You're an awesome Dad.

Peace
Just for today......
Cath

Terry divorce life is so hard on kids, especially so young. I and my ex had custody of his children from his first marriage. I got those chilkdren at 3 and 5. They both took to me quick since there mother never did much with them. Anyway, the mother got visitation one weekend a month and she could call twice a week. She didn't but then I'd let her talk whenever she would call. The 3 y/o always said she hated her mother, would'nt get on the phone to talk with her. I started bribbing her with icecream to talk with her mom....she is now 29 and very good friends with her mother. when she started school I'd invite her mother to join me for diff things at her school, sometimes she came..that gave them a chance

What I am saying is, give her time she is only 3. Don't take it to hard what she says, let it go and call her again or make sure when you see her tomorrow you don't mention it because then she will know how hurt you were. You want her to remember being with you as a fun thing not a sad thing. Then next time call her, I bet she will talk. It probley won't be the last time she hurts your feelings, but with her being so young she don't need to know it hurt so bad. (my opinion)

She will grow up quicker then you realize, enjoy every moment that you can. I know it's hard with RSD, the pain is horrible and at times unbearable but please you little girl didn't really mean anything by what she said.

I hope your evening is good

Stickgirl

Great advice, Stickgirl!

Sharon :)

Unfortunately children don't have the skills to deal with anger. It may have nothing to do with you, she could have been tired or just having a bad day. I can remember when I was her age and yelling "I hate you!" to my mother. But I didn't. It was the only way I knew how to vent my anger. This poor little girl is dealing with a lot. Hang in there, talk to her and be patient. - Shelley

Hi SavvySac, :wave:

I just wanted to add one more perspective, as the Non-RSD'er in my family....My husband Joey has the RSD in his left Ankle since April....and our two little girls are 4 and 6.

This monster of a disease is hard on everyone....my little girls too....since I work at night, they are alone with Daddy after he comes home from work in the mid afternoon and I leave two hours later. They try hard to be understanding and help Daddy out when he's in horrible pain....but at the same time, it's so frustrating for them, as well as for me....because he just can't do all the "Daddy" things they want him to do.

Sometimes it really gets to my 6 yr old, who will get angry or have a tantrum because Daddy won't take them to the playground, and "All he ever wants to do is rest!!"

I don't know if this is what your 3 yr old is going through, since she doesn't understand as much, but they DO understand alot more than most people give them credit for. She could be holding a grudge because of your missed visits. Maybe you can make it up to her by sending her a little present in the mail, and when you do see her, going somewhere fun, and trying not to groan about your pain too much...I know, easier said than done!


How long have you been suffering with the RSD? Are you on AntiDepressants too? I hope so.....

Good Luck, talk to you soon....

~Ange

Thank you so much to all you wonderful people who replied to my post.

I have had RSD for 10 years,i was able to get the pain under control after a series of blocks and treatments with in the first year of my original diagnosis. But after I reinjured my left foot about a year ago, my life has gone downhill. The pain, the divorce, having to move out of my home I knew for so long, leaving my child behind, it has all been alot for me to deal with.

And now, just when my pain was starting to get under control with help from a new PM doc, I have found out that I have a damaged liver. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a biospy. I have spent the last month having ct scans, xrays, blood work and the like. My doctor thinks it could be a result of ingesting too much pain mediction with tylenol in it over the years, or some other systemic problem due to the RSD.

btw-can RSD spread to internal organs like the liver? If anyone has any info about this, I would appreciate hearing from you.

So when I heard Kennedy say I dont love him, everything kind of came crashing down. I know that she loves me. We have a very special relationship. We have become much closer since the divorce. I imagine she did have a rough day or was upset about something but didnt really have a way of venting her frustrations.

I never let her see me in pain. I do not let her know that I am sick. I want her to see her daddy as a strong man, who will always protect her. However, sometimes when she is over, there are times when all I can do is sit in my recliner and wait for the pain and sick feelings to pass. I usually tell her that I have a tummy ache because I ate something that didnt agree with me. She asks me if i am ok and then goes to the refridgerator and gets me a coke and tells me that this will make me feel better. Little cutie!

The times that it is real bad, I do not have her come visit me. Beleive it or not, my ex seems much more understanding about my illness now that we are divorced than she ever was when we were married. Kennedy may ask why daddy isnt picking her up tonight, but we usually convince her that I have to work late at the office and she is satisfied.

I know that none of you really dont know me, nor do I you, but to hear such compassionate and supportive messages from each and everyone of you gives me strength. It speaks tons of your character. Why do the nice people always end up suffering? You never hear of murderers, rapists and child molesters having chronic pain. It just isnt fair.

I am going to call her after my biopsy tomorrow and let her know that I will be picking her up after daycare, I know by that time her mood will have changed completely. I will make her favorite dinner (mac and cheese and hot dogs) and we will have a tea party and play blocks. I just wish that I had more energy and felt good enough to take her to the park or fishing or any number of things.

I have been on anti depressents for about 6 months and have suffered from anxiety attacks as well. So I am not always up to doing the "social" thing. I hope that she wont resent me for this, and that I do get better soon.

Again, thank you everyone, you are all such marvelous people. I feel better hearing your experiences and words of encouragement. I tend to spend alot of my time alone, and it is nice to have interactions with others who know where I am coming from.

Take care and may God bless you all!

peace
Terry

Hi Terry,

Did you have your biopsy today or is it tomorrow? Hope it went well if you had it and hope it goes well if it's tomorrow. Enjoy your visit with Kennedy if you didn't have it already.

Sharon :)

I had Kennedy this evening and she seemed ok. I was glad to see her and when I dropped her off at her mom's she gave me a kiss and a hug and said "I love you daddy", so that made me feel much better.

I did have my biopsy today, let me tell you, that was one big needle. I am not to do anything strenuos for the next 24 hours to minimize the risk of bleeding. Like I ever do anything strenuos.

I will know in a few days the results as they have to send the sample to an out of town lab.

I am so glad that today is over.

Well, I am going to go to bed early for once, since my RSD pain is minimal and I am so tired from a lack of sleep last night.

Thanks again for everything, I will talk with you soon.

peace

terry

Hi Terry,

I am so glad to hear that you had a good day with Kennedy. Yay! I'm also glad your biopsy is over. Have a good night.

Sharon :)