I appreciate your replies to my previous post, your words are encouraging. I am really afraid of the road ahead, and it took a lot for me to just write that admission and analysis of myself and post it on the message board.

I have not flushed anything yet, but it's just about gone anyway. I need a support structure in place before I do anything. I've just been spending a couple of lonley isolated days soul searching and trying to figure a way out of this mess.

Tomorrow is a work day so I'll get in touch with someone from MA or AA and see about getting into a meeting.

Like I said before, this is just really hard for me. I have always been a private person and I have never discussed this with anyone before. Most people have no Idea that I am even a pot head. I couldn't even talk to my wife about this. I feel very alone in this because I don't want to talk to anyone who cannot relate to my problem. I feel as though people will look down on me, have pity on me, loose respect for me, loose trust in me, feel betrayed by me, etc... I really don't know anyone who can relate to me, I'm the only druggie in my circle of family and friends. How did I get here?

I appreciate the fact that I know I'm not alone and that there are people who can realte to my problems, I won't have to feel like an outcast everywhere.

AZ_Btech

Outcast?? If you don't get help and get drugs out of your life you might become an outcast. I would bet that there are a lot of people that suspect you are using drugs but just won't say anything to you. It is easy to decieve yourself but not always others.
If you don't admit to yourself that your powerless(not flushing that pot proves it to me)you can't really start a recovery.
Taking charge and handling everything yourself, being independant, being strong, being a self made, self employed macho male will not help you get clean. Admitting you can not get clean by yourself and that you are powerless over drugs will be the first step. Must be the first step.
Making meetings everyday..yea it will be hard, but it can be done. I am sure you wasted a lot of time, money and effort chasing after your next baggie. Making meetings won't be as hard and damn sure not as expensive. It will take a long time for the pot to get out of your body and it will never be out of your mind and memory.
But, man you gotta take that first step yourself before your life is totally screwed.

I don't mean to berate the meetings issue, but, oh well, what the hell!

PLEASE make it a priority to go to a meeting tomorrow - I would have told you to go TODAY. they go on everyday - especially around the holidays! just look in the paper or call a hotline and times and days of meetings in your area. Once you actually attend one you will get an NA or AA list printed by that organization. DON'T, and I repeat, DONT wait simply because we all tend to be "all better" tomorrow.

Even if you continue to use, go. Even if you quit, then relapse, go. Go, go, go. Keep going. If you don't like one group, find another. I swear that some days all I could remember was "keep coming" - you will definitely hear those words!
I wish you all the luck in the world - it sounds like you, too, have received that precious gift of desperation.

I understand fear of facing life.

I understand feeling alone.

I understand feeling like I cannot make it without some kind of crutch or something to block the sharp edges of reality.

Now:
I can face my fear and so I live.
I am confident I am never alone.
I can lean on the One that created me and gave me breath, even when the whole world, even my own self, seems to be against me.

For me what made the difference so I could begin to look at the truth and deal with it,
is Jesus Christ. I am not talking religion, I am talking the person.

Try reading the book of John in the Bible and just see who His disciple says He is. If you think He can be trusted, surrender your soul to Him, and see how you grow.

The 12 step program philosophy came from Bible scripture. The programs are just a part of truth, run by fallible human beings. But God is bigger than those things and He loves you, if He loves me!

I am sharing my own experience, in case it may help you in your situation. I still have my bad habits to deal with, but now I have a firm foundation and a help inside me.

[This message has been edited by friend (edited 01-04-2001).]