It's been a long time since I've posted anything, but as I sit here at work at 9am tweaked out of my mind and still craving another line, I realize that maybe I should be making a better attempt at facing up to my newest problem instead of burying my head in the sand.

I originally came to this board in early October seeking answers about my boyfriend's heroin addiction and how to cope with it. At that time I was drinking quite a bit and doing a little bit of X on occasion, but was pretty well adjusted as far as addiction goes. Shortly thereafter, in November I started doing coke again on occasion and by Thanksgiving I had admitted to myself that I was addicted to cocaine.

I shared my concerns about my addiction with my friend (he later became my dealer) and he said that the key to fighting off addiction and still having a good time is to switch your drug of choice every couple of weeks. He was kidding...sort of. I laughed about it and even though my intellect told me it was a ludicrous idea, I have to admit that it seemed to make some kind of sense in a strange way.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, my heroin abusing boyfriend and I got drunk and got into a huge fight in the middle of the night. It was incredibly nasty and he kicked me out of his house and told me to go home at 4 in the morning. I knew that if I went home drunk as hell at 4 in the morning and went to bed there was a damn good chance I wouldn't wake up for work in the morning and I really didn't want to go home and be alone anyway so a grand idea struck me! I decided to go to my friend's house and buy some crystal meth. I knew they would be awake because, after all, they are tweakers and I figured I would hang out with them until it was time to go to work and then continue to do the meth to get through the day without falling asleep. I bought a quarter gram and needless to say it worked like a charm. It also "cured" my addiction to cocaine. I have done a little soda here and there since I started doing meth and it has absolutely no effect on me except to make my teeth and throat numb. Great for a sore throat, but useless to get high. I thought it was a miracle. My boyfriend was constantly warning me of the addiction factor with meth, but it was cheaper so I figured I was better off. By the way, my boy only complained about it when I wouldn't share with him.

I had done meth a few times before but had never had my own supply--just a bump here and there when someone offered. I soon found it was a whole different world to tweak around the clock and was back two days later and bought a gram. . I stayed up that first time for two days and felt so bad coming down I swore I'd never do it again, but I was finishing off that gram by the weekend. By the time Christmas came around I had a pretty regular habit and it was causing problems with my boyfriend. I wasn't addicted though at that point and went out of town with my family for a week and honestly didn't even crave it once.

On New Year's Eve I started doing it again and by this time I was a regular enough customer and a good enough friend with my dealer that he was hooking me up with $40 grams (he usually gets $80) and often times he would just throw me a half gram or so for free just because he could. Starting with New Year's Eve I went on a 4 day binge and experienced the sleep deprivation effects I had heard about. (the hallucinations were actually pretty cool) Unfortunately I also experienced the effects of food and water deprivation (all I put into my body for those four days was meth, nicotine and diet coke with an occasional beer for variety) and fainted several times and had SEVERE pain in my kidneys from dehydration. I was finally able to fall asleep with the help of three Xanax that a friend generously gave me. Once again I swore I wouldn't do it again.

Well, you learn as you go, I guess, and I learned that if you take little naps and manage to get down small meals you can stay up even longer without the bad effects of sleep, food and water deprivation. I was on it a week and off it a week--until this week. My trusty friend and dealer needed a place to stay and moved in with me temporarily. He really is someone whose company I enjoy and he was a friend of mine long before I ever bought anything from him so it was kind of fun having him and his partner around. He has an entourage of people around him at all times so my house was a constant party and I got to meet his suppliers (coke and meth) and learned a hell of a lot about dealing drugs as I became part of the process and was constantly making runs to re-up, to deliver and breaking up rocks into balls, teenths and grams. Of course I wasn't paying for **** and in fact had people not only giving me meth, but offering me coke, giving me bags of weed, buying me beer and cigarettes, washing my car, buying me food and last but not least, a couple of friends bought me a pipe so we could stop wasting our meth by smoking it on tin foil. That was the final straw. We all became fiends smoking meth all the freakin' time, taking turns taking "speed naps" because there was only one bed.

My friend and dealer and I began to get on each other's nerves and he moved out and I ran out of meth shortly thereafter. It was then I realized the extent of my addiction. I searched my house up and down probably three or four times hoping to find one of the many bags we had all stashed and lost with no luck. The end result was a day filled with uncontrollable crying jags and an intense feeling of loneliness. I have re-upped and am now craving the drug constantly. I am seeing a psychologist who has recommended I see someone who specializes in substance abuse and will soon start my bipolar medicine which MAY help a teeny bit, but I doubt it. My dealer had told me once that if he ever felt I was developing an addiction he would stop selling to me. He stayed true to his word and told me no twice, but gave in when he realized how many other places I knew to get it and he rationalized that at least he was hooking me up and saving me money.

I know this is long and probably quite boring to all of you, but it is important to me to get this all down "on paper" so that I can start to sort through my own feelings about my problem. I don't think I can quit. I don't even completely want to quit because I'm terrified of gaining weight. Oh well, I guess I'll have to figure something out because even at my "discounted prices", the money will run out soon enough since I am having to do more and more and more just to get through the day. Thank you to anyone who took the time to actually read this and I sincerely hope you all are doing better than me.

Hey Princess,
Well, the only thing you can hope for is a two or three stay at your local prison. That way you might get clean for at least that amount of time.
Here is the post you wrote back in November of last year. If you will read my reply, that is what you have to look forward to. You actually seem to not understand or be afraid. I guess I was like that untill I finally got smart and put myself and my kids ahead of the drink and drugs.
I won't tell you good luck, because where your going there won't be any luck other than bad.
TD http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/Forum3/HTML/000010.html

Princess,
I am truly sorry to hear about the turn you've taken. Please don't rely on your dealer to recognize when you have an addiction and to stop selling to you. I don't know what I can say to you that will make a difference. I hope you snap out of this and get some help. If you are having this much of a problem with your addiction, maybe it's time to check yourself into a rehab clinic where you will have constant support and more importantly, supervision. What to you think it will take you to stop using?

I wish you the best. Please continue to post how you're doing.

Princess,
Sounds like you are making the first step and that is reaching out to others for help.. One of the hardest things to do in order to get clean. Keep posting no matter what happens. I might suggest that you call Cocain Anom. or call the NA help line. NA people will come get you for a meeting if that is what you want. Also they can give a lot of support. It is important to have a lot of support from people who are trying to stay clean themselves. I live in Central Texas as you can see by my name haha. I live in Austin I have a lot of numbers for support all over the country so if you need any numbers for help and support just leave a message here and I will get them to you.
Good luck,
You are at the right place.
texasue

Oh honey, I KNOW what you are going through and it sucks. You sound so sad and so beaten and it comes out in your post.

Iwas 21 when I left Vermont and moved to Texas to work for American Airlines and I met this guy who introduced me to crystal meth and I was hooked in two days flat - he injected me with it and I learned about needle addiction as well. I moved back to Vermont, this guy followed me, and I MARRIED him - we had 2 kids, divorced after 8 years. We dabbled with drugs occasionally thru our marriage - both crystal and coke - always IV use, and it had devastating effects - we both OD'd on 2 separate occasions, our kids were sometimes in the house in bed in the next room - the guilt and shame follow me every day. I went on to develope a terrible binge habit on cocaine after the divorce and lost cutody of my 2 kids who I adore - HE HAS THEM!!! THE COURT SAID HE AND HIS NEWEST WIFE WERE A BETTER CHOICE AS PARENTS!!! He now lives in Texas again, and my kids are thousands of miles away - I get summer and holiday vacations. He claims to be clean and sober but I will never really believe that - this is the man who got me hooked all thoses ago.

My last battle with coke is so similiar to yours it is scary - my dealer was my friend first - he would give me tons of coke for discount or free - then I got in trouble at home and at work and he cut me off from buying it - I could do all I wanted at his house, but could not buy or leave with any. I simply found other connections and got really bad - binge, get straight, binge, get straight - I finally checked myself into a rehab for the weekend and went to an AA meeting every day for 90 days - I am 5 months clean and my life gets better every day - BUT I can feel your pain like it was yesterday - get some help - stop hanging out with those people - can you go to rehab to a long weekend or something just to get your head on straight? Go to a meeting and ASK for help -you will get it!!! I am glad I live in an area where crystal meth is SOOO hard to find because that is a scary monkey on your back. Feel free to email me at seafolks@capecod.net - I don't want you to feel alone. Tke care -

When I threw away my "old" shoe's, I didn't expect anyone (else) to put them on ! Damn, girl, I wish I knew what to say or how to help, even, but I don't...I'm still trying to figure it out myself. All I can offer is this: It's hard, almost seem's ridiculous, BUT, you need strength. You know what's right / wrong, listen to your "intelligent" self and go woth it. How do you want thing's to be now & in the future. ( NOTE: I'm not reccomending the following, it's just MY "story"... ) I was right where you were some time ago. Wasn't even all aware of how "bad" it had really gotten...one day I realized something..."I'm pregnant." Great. I was depressed b/c that would mean no more "partying". Unlike all the other's in that circle, I differed in "respect". That being for this new little thing inside me. It's not my life, not my body...it didn't ask to be there/here or to be born...so therefore, I had to quit EVERYTHING forthe well-being of this baby & myself. I had been partying hard...goin' on strong, just like you were, no difference, & now I have to end it all. Honestly, I didn't think I could, BUT I did, it was that "strength" of doing what that intelligent side of me was saying! I ended up spending a whole year drug-free. Didn't even smoke cig's. It was hard esp. watching movie's that pertained to such thing's. I craved, but knew better. Even saw my "friend's", but never once gave-in...I breast-fed for 2 months even....but when I couldn't make enough "food" for the baby, & stopped breast feeding her, i thought, well, I think I deserve a little "break" & fun....& I did, but I also did this: Knowing that I prooved myself & my baby that I could quit & do what's right, that made me feel like I had this monkey on my back, kept tellin' me to watch my *** ! I did & still do watch my *** ! I'm no where near the life style I once lived but still enjoy the company of my friend's, who like your's will never let me fall off to the deep end, never have & never will even. I chose the life style I lived back then, & i chose the life style I live now, which is far greater & better for me & my family. You have to listen to yourself, the side we tend to ignore at times....it take's a lot of inner strength. Just think about where you are & where you'll be..just use that force, girl, really! ( & to say the least, out of that "circle" I was in, as I swore to myself then, & swear to myself now, I'll be the last one standing!----& I am.) It's all about strength---believe in yourself, ok, I know this sound's like major cheese, but don't know what else to tell ya, or how else to help you. Hope I have at least done something---at least you know you are NOT alone! Good luck.