Hello Everyone,
From the subject box you already know I am a PAIN PILL ADDICT....sure did take a long time for me to admit that thats what I am. So here it is, 12 midnight, way past my bed time. I have already been to "bed" once, but because of the anxiety hydrocodone causes me to have, I am up again. Anyone else ever experience this when taking vicodin? It sucks! Theirs no other way to put it. Your so tired but because of all the pills you have taken in a day, you can't sleep and your heart starts to race until it is just so "uncomfortable" you get back up and then try again later. Why take the pills then? Because I am an addict. Do I like what I have become? Not one bit. I look back at how my life was before I even knew what vicodin was and think of how happy my husband and I were with our 2 kids and wonder if WE will ever have that back again. The depression derived from these thoughts is almost unbearable at times. But do I stop? I try. But the withdrawl is something I can't seem to get thru yet. I suppose it would be easier for me if I weren't surrounded by pain pill addicts, but I can't blame it all on that. Lacking will power and motivation I suppose. Thats the thing though. I want to stop so badly. I think about it all the time. In fact, everytime I take a "dose" I am thinking "DONT DO THIS"....but I do. How did I become an addict? I was always the "good" one in the family. The one who always had things "straight"....the one who always was "straight", up until 2 years ago. I have managed to keep this a secret from co-workers but most of my family knows now. Not that they care too much because they themselves have all had some sort of problem with addiction, be it alcohol or pills. ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE in my family has an addiction of some kind. I am so ashamed of what I have let myself become. I can remember telling my husband 2 years ago "We have to be careful...we don't want to become addicted to these things...". If I could only go back, but thats not possible now is it?
After reading some of the posts on here and finally getting up enough nerve to actually "post" my own story, my addiction might not seem like a "big deal" because we are not up to 50 a day......not yet. I never thought I would be taking two 7.5's at one time 3 to 4 times a day either. And thats what I am up too. 8 a day. A lot more than "the reccomended dosage" for someone not taking them for pain. The scary thing is, I "have" to have them. If I don't, guess what happens then? The stomach cramps (and all that great stuff that comes along with them), the sleepless nights with the "shakes", no energy, no mood, depression, which to me is the worst part. Will I ever be in a "good mood" again? Will I ever have the energy to get out of bed without them? I go to bed thinking of how many I have for the next day. When will I need to make plans to "get more". Who am I gonna get them from? How much am I willing to spend this week? I am not brave enough to do the "doctor shopping" I have read about. The people I get them from are the ones who do it for me. I just have to pay a ridiculous amount! But I do it. One thing that surprises me about this addiction is it's everywhere. I didn't realize how many people are in the same boat as I, just in the area I live in. I remember having a narrow minded impression of what a "druggie" looked like. You know what I mean. Someone who looks like a "druggie". How things have changed....or have they always been this way? I never got into drugs at all growing up. Never had a desire too. I had friends that did, but I was always hesitant and never gave in. Since my addiction has come to surface, I have met lots of people who you would have never thought in a million years were into anything like this. Including myself. On the outside, I project the image of your typical 28 year old female with 2 kids who lives in a nice home with a good job and a very tolerant wonderful husband http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif.....but the side of me that friends and co-workers don't know, well, thats a different image.
My husband and I have talked repeatedly about how much we want to quit and we both want too so badly. We know what we have to do and we know the only way we're going to get thru it. We know it's going to be the toughest thing we have ever had to do. What I can't seem to understand is, we want this so badly (to quit) yet, why can't we? I know that may sound stupid but really. It's no fun anymore. We take the pills to feel "normal" now, not to get high anymore. The thrill is gone....long gone. I want our old lives back. The days when we didn't need a "pill" to be in a good mood and we were just happy to be with each other and our kids. The kids......they are 7 and 9 and they are so great. I know everyone thinks that way of they're own. Difference for me now is, I look at them and feel so ashamed of what their mother has become....they have no clue. I feel as though I am failing them. They both made the "A" honor roll this last semester and instead of jumping for joy when I saw their report cards (I sorta did in front of them), I went into my room and cried and cried. Here I am, their mother, taking a few pills before they get home from school just so I can have the energy and mood I need to be in to help them with their homework??!!!!! What is wrong with me? How could I let this get so bad? How could I let myself become addicted to these pills?
I guess the main reason for this post is to vent and I feel better having done so. Looking back and reading what I have just written is hard...even harder to submit! I have glanced upon the "clear fields" button several times! I know what I need to do to help myself and I know I am the only one who can do that. Reading the other stories is of some comfort knowing that success is possible. Even though I am not taking huge amounts in a day, I still feel as though I am out of control in dealing with this.
Any response will be appreciated whether it be your own story or some words of encouragement.

Thanks for reading....

Your addiction is a big deal whether you're taking 10 a day or 50 a day. When you (or your family) have problems from it, its a "big deal". My hydrocodone adventure didnt start out a big deal either. A few here and again. But over time, I built up a tollerance to that stuff. Needed more and more just to keep from going into withdrawals. I also have a husband and 2 kids. I've been married 19 years now and its a miracle, after what all this addiction has cost me/us, he didn't give up on me. Nobody wakes up one morning and thinks to themselves, "gee, I think I wanna be a drug addict"...so don't beat yourself up thinking you "allowed" this to happen. Materially, we lost virtually everything from my addiction. I post these things not for the shock effect of it, but so you can see the progression of where it could lead. I, at one point, was also taking two 7.5's a few times a day. Not to mention the "creative financing" I had to become good at to make sure I had enough money for that pill search. I now have 3 yrs worth of sanity back in my life. Whatever you have to do to make sure you dont have to travel down the road I was on (the inevitable road if you dont stop), DO IT. Go to a NA meeting, or if need to, go to a detox at a treatment center. When I came off of those things, after the awful severe flu feeling, and after the no energy feeling, and after the tears for no reason, I had trouble sleeping. Would sleep a few hrs then wake up...then stay up....took awhile to sleep all nite thru. I could type non-stop for 5 days and not be done telling you what hydrocodone did to my life and my family's life. I just found this message board yesterday, but if I can offer support to someone Im more than happy to do so. There is life after hydrocodone.

Thank-You Peech, for responding to my post. It really helps knowing their are others out there who have had the same experience in what I am going thru.
I am curious as to whether or not it was just you with the "problem" or did your husband have this addiction too? How did it start for you?
Some might think that because it's my husband and I both who are addicted that it would make it easier for us to stop since we would have the support of each other to get us through. This is not so. If anything, it seems to make things worse. During the periods when we "weren't going to do it anymore and this is it and we're sick of it", one of us would always bring the other down. Not intentionally. It just depended on who having the worse day I guess. All it would take was for one of us to say "just one more time?"....and that was the beginning again. Another reason is, when your going thru the withdrawls together your irritable, upset, hurt, depressed, miserable, yet someone has to take care of the kids. Someone has to keep things going and still go to work. That person is usually always me. No, it IS ALWAYS me. I have noticed that though our symptoms are similar, one thing differs. He sleeps constantly and I can't sleep at all. I feel like crap, look like crap, have no energy, but because I am the "stronger" one, still have to function for my kids. I FORCE myself to do it with a smile so as to not take it out on them or lead them to believe anything is wrong with their mother. What I end up doing is getting mad at my husband (who really is a wonderful person) who's body just basically shuts down for the first 3 days, something he can't deal with very well. I don't want to sound selfish. But when going thru this, I can't help but get upset because I end up going thru it alone. We have tried to stop countless times. We always go back. One reason for that is we are surrounded by it. My sister, my mom, friends of my husbands. And whenever anyone has "anything", they call us first to see if we are in need. When trying to stop before we have told all of them to not call PERIOD for any reason as to alleviate the temptation of asking for "something". Most have listened, with the exception of my mother, but in the back of our minds the whole time we are trying to "do the right thing" we know all it will take is one phone call. Just one last time. Thats it. Then we won't do it anymore. I remember one paticular time we were doing so good. It had been a week....a whole week!! The phone rang....someone we forgot to warn about us trying to stop....someone asking if we wanted 10 percocet.....our faces lit up with a smile that we couldn't seem to get rid of....and within minutes everything we had done in that last week was gone. All the effort GONE. All the motivation GONE. Once again, we had given in to temptation. That was 3 months ago.
I found out the other day that one of my friends who has been a "goody goody" her whole life, is in rehab for addiction to tylox (oxycodone). She lost her house, her car, her daughter, her husband, her life. I had no idea...she hid it very well from everyone. This is so scary. You never think it can happen to you. You never think you will become an addict. Even when you think it's under control, it isn't. I remember the days where I didn't need it. I just took it because it made me feel good and it put me in a good mood. I was happy, or so I thought. Little did I know or think I would become dependent on it. I try to think back on when it was I actually started "needing" it and I can't remember. It seems to have just happened. The worst memories right now are the ones I have before I started taking them. The memories I have of how happy I was without these dark evil controlling pills. They are the worst because I am so afraid I will not feel that way again. I am so scared I will not be happy again without these pills. It seems like so long ago and I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy because of your surroundings and the people in your life and the things you have accomplished so far. That has all been taken over by pills. Now it's gotten to the point where they don't even do what their "suppose too" because I am so ashamed even when I take them. But it still doesn't stop me. Every night I go to bed thinking to myself, "this is the last day I will do this....I can wake up tomorrow and not do anymore" What happens in the 6 hours I am sleeping to change my mind I don't know. I wake up and start all over again.

What was your turning point? What was your motivation? How were you finally able to stop and stay "clean"? I am very interested in hearing your story and how you did it. Thanks again for responding. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hi - The best thing you could do for yourself and your hubby is call your doc. He can be your best friend right now -- he won't turn you in and he won't leave you in the lurch. He can help -- trust him.

A taper doesn't sound like it will work for you, so your only option is detox. You may say that you can't take time off work -- your kids need you, etc. But if you DON'T do this, you won't have a job, your kids may be taken from you, you could lose everything if this continues.

Am I being hard on you??? Maybe. But I'm telling the truth. You may have already done damage to your liver -- Vicodin is dangerous in large doses and for an extended period of time. You say your co-workers don't know --- I'll bet they know "something" is up -- they may not know exactly what, but I'll bet they have a clue. The ONLY person we're good at fooling is ourselves.

You must do this for you first, then your kids. They don't deserve this --- they don't have their mother the way they used to. They too probably know more than you think they know --- we don't give kids a lot of credit and most of the time they can see right thru us.

You also need to call NA or AA. They'll walk you thru this --- they'll be there when family & friends won't. You need a support system to help get and keep you clean. There is NO shame in NA or AA. The shame is in NOT getting help.

Go to detox. Call AA or NA. Addicts have 3 choices -- get clean, go to jail or death. If you don't do this, you will lose everything -- possibly even your life. Please, get the help you need. God Bless. Peace, Lee

Malibu,
While reading your story, I just began sobbing! I could have swore I wrote that story myself! The control of the vicoden over my life became more important than anything else! I couldn't have fun or enjoy spending time or playing with my kids unless I was high on the Vicoden, only thing is, is that I wasnt "high" anymore, I was normal! I can't imagine sitting down and playing games with my 6 year old daughter, or going skiing with my teenage sons without the vicoden and actually enjoying it! No one knows about my problem except for my sister and the doc who prescibes for me. He knows I am an addict but gives me as much as he wants because of his own sick agenda.
Anyway, Malibu, I know exactly what your going through, as I am spending the weekend detoxing and sleeping as much as possible through the withdrawls. I am hoping by monday I will feel almost normal again, but the enjoyment of life my come back a little at a time. And unfortunely, depression is one of the things that you will encounter, so please, please get a counselor now and get a doctor you can trust who will put you on an anti depressant because you will almost certainly need it. The best of luck and prayers to you.

[This message has been edited by Capri38 (edited 01-28-2002).]

Hi Malibu -

I can relate to so much in your story - especially the part about "not looking like an addict" or the guilt you seem to feel about making the pills priority in your life even over your kids -

I am a recovering coke addict - I shot and smoked it and abused alchohol as well. At no time did I ever look the part - no one would have ever guess the things I did - the outside picture I presented was a pretty, outgoing, smart, friendly wife and mom - I was president of the Montessori School board, I worked for doctors and dentists -always smiling and nice. My husband was an attentive father who spent lots of time with the kids (mostly because he hated to work and I supported us but ... who knew that???) The rosy picture we presented was a big lie. I had to divorced him, lost custody of my kids, lost my job, my liscense, my self-respect - lots of my options - all in the name of a stupid drug. Today I am clean and sober - I go to AA meetings, I hang out with people I want to emulate. Sober, productive, people who have the same priorities as I do. I have my daughter back with me and a job I love. New car, new house, fiancee, etc. Those are just material things, but I have them ONLY because I got sober. I hate to think of where or who I would be right now if I hadn't.


It only gets worse, I promise you. Get yourselves into rehab. Tell EVERYONE you are quitting. Dont hang out with people who use. Get involved in NA or AA or both- ask for help - there are so many people who have been where you are right now. Stop now, before you become another story of loss - your children will suffer more than you can imagine. I repeat, it does not get better, it gets worse. Please take the steps to help yourself.

Hello,
Thanks to everyone who replied. I got up this morning and was looking forward to getting on here for some motivation....does that sound weird? Addicted and Capri, I want to especially thank you for sharing some of your story with me since what we are going thru is VERY similar in the way that we have the same addiction. I unfortunately haven't got to the point of stopping yet. Though it is something I want so badly, I just cannot find it within myself to "quit" right now....today. Hmmm, that didn't sound like it made much sense. I know this is a lame excuse but alot of my reluctancy is due to the fact that my options are NONE at this point. I CANNOT take time off from work to check into a rehab (which is in fact what I need to do). My next weeks vacation is not until April. I CANNOT afford to just take the time off that I need to get started with this. Boy do I sound like I am making up excuses! I truly am not. I have sat here and thought and thought about what I could do and how could I get started, always ending up with no solution. I have 2 kids too and that complicates matters also. I can't just pick up and go. Or should I say WE can't just pick up and go, since my husband and I both have this addiction. We have thought about just "toughing it out" but for him, thats not so easy. He can't function without them. The withdrawls are so bad he can't go to work, he can't do anything....except sleep. I on the other hand can handle it a little better but not much. I force myself to do the things that need to be done even though all I wanna do is sit and wallow in my own misery and feel sorry for myself! These are the times when I think it would be easier if I were by myself (even though thats NOT what I want) and that way I could get thru it without having to deal with my husbands withdrawls also. He basically falls apart and I know this sounds so harsh but it makes me so angry that he isn't as strong as me, which in turn brings me down and makes me feel so much worse. He pretty much sleeps the whole time leaving all the responsibilities on me including going to work. I know this sounds so selfish and I dont mean for it too because I am NOT a selfish person at all. But going thru this together is the only thing we CANNOT do together without help and support. I believe that now where once i didn't.
I wish I had never been introduced to vicodin or any other pain meds. What I would give to just turn time back a couple years....to know what was going to happen when I took that vicodin from my mom who said it would "perk me up a little" and help my back. Yes, my mom is the one who supplied me for a long time. She had very easy access....she WAS a nurse, up until last week actually. What was suppose to be a name change form that she was expecting in the mail turned out to be a letter from the board of nursing saying that her license was under investigation because of an inquiry made by "someone". Thinking about what I just wrote....25 years of nursing (she really is an excellent nurse) gone because of this addiction. I had stopped getting anything from her a long time ago because of the guilt I felt. Sorta like I was contributing to her possibly getting caught and I didn't want to have anything to do with that. Anyway, this doesn't have much to do with my situation. Another unfortunate consequence of addiction I suppose.
As for me, I am still trying to figure this all out. Why did I ever start, how do I stop, and will I ever be normal and happy again? ---without VICODIN! I know their is life after addiction, it just seems so far away right now.
Thank-you again for replying. I hope to hear from you guys again. It really helps more than you know...so much in fact that instead of taking my usual 8 a day...i took 4 today. To me, not worthy of a pat on the back just yet. That was today. Lets see how tomorrow goes.

A Friend,
Mal

Malibu -

Go back and read your own post again.

You say you "can't" take time off from work, and neither can your husband. You say you sound like you are making excuses. You are.

Look at what just happened to your mother, for God's sake!!! She has no choice, now, does she? She will have all the time in the world to get her act together because she won't have a job to return to. Due to this disease.

Your problem is progressive and will simply get worse. I am an a recovering addict - I know. Read the posts of others. It is a promise. At some point, without getting help, you will have no job to worry about taking time off from. You may lose your marriage - listen to your resentment right now. And... what about your children - DSS will not be looking positively on the fact that your job was more important than getting help to get off drugs.

You say you want to quit. You obviously have not hit bottem yet, because when you do, your recovery will become your priority. Without getting help, there will be no job, no family and no life. Think about it. Take a medical leave. Have your mother or a relative help with the children. If your husband won't get help also, give him a choice. You and the children, or a life of dependency. You owe it to yourself and those kids to get your life back.

Malibu,
Please hang in there, DO NOT GIVE UP! You can find a way, there is always a way. Find a doctor who specializes in Addiction Medicine and stick to his program. Methadone is very effective for getting off opioids, you just need to take the time to find the right doctor. And I highly suggest that you and your husband quit at the same time. If he's still using while you're trying to get clean, the temptation will be too great while he still has pills in the house.
I am still struggling with getting my energy back. I suppose thats part of the withdrawl, but I am feeling a little better and better everyday.
Please find a way!

Thanks to all again...
Christine, though when I first read your last message I got angry, you are right. You are truly right. It's all excuses. Every bit of it. Unfortunately it's a lot harder to take the first step in rehab and getting help when the "BAD" hasn't happened yet. I know this. I do. I suppose I am like so many others that think it wont happen to them, when in fact it does. I guess to me right now I am not thinking that it will get worse and that I wont take anymore than I do....but I know it will. Is this denial? I never thought I would be up to the amount I am taking...but I am. So, I know your right and I guess it just pisst me off for the moment that someone else put it the way you did. Your not suppose to do that! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif But I thank you.
For the first time in a long time I am typing this message and am not on "drugs". I have been without for the last 2 days. By choice, yes. Do I wanna get off of here and call someone to bring me something, you have no idea how bad I am fighting it! But, I am going to try. It's all I can do right now. My husband is doing the same. Aside from the fact that we are addicts, knowing what we are doing to our health has really become a constant thought these days. I look at my kids....actually I find myself staring at them thinking....."How much damage have you done to your liver doing what you have done? How would they feel if something happened to you? Where would they go? What would become of them?" And then I start thinking of how much I am so in love with them. How much I want to see them graduate (and help them along the way). How much I want to see them grow up. How I might not be doing that if I don't stop this and get straightened out. So this is day 2. Though I feel good about it this time, I still feel as though I need something else....some outside help. I am going to call about this tomorrow. I am off and plan on spending the day on the phone looking for the right help. I am not sure about the methadone. For me, I already have an addictive personality and feel in a way that that is substituting one thing for another. I know several people who went thru the same thing I am going thru and are still on the meth....that was 3 years ago. So I am not too sure about that. I think the main thing for me is going to be talking to people with the same "problem". I think that will be a HUGE help for me. I live in a small town and am hoping I can find an NA group around here without having to travel an hour. There has to be one! Small towns have addicts who want help too right??
My thanks again to you Christine for pissing me off and helping me stay off the phone and not make that call I WANTED to make so badly. It really did help http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif. Thanks to Capri for your words of encouragement and keep them coming! When I say it makes a difference knowing their are others out there like "me" who feel the way I do and who are going thru what I am, I mean it. It truly does help. In some way every little response keeps me going.
Hope to hear from someone again soon. Mal

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 01-20-2003).]

Hi Again,
In answer to your question Nat, I have had a VERY bad day today. Thank-You for asking though http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I want to get outside help so bad, but I have a question. If I go to my "neighborhood" rehab center, will they admit me to an inpatient program even if all I want is outpatient? I am very scared of this. I have a mind set now and am so very ready to get off these things. But the "idea" of going to an inpatient program is NOT an option. I have 2 kids, a job, and simply put, cannot afford to miss any work. I need to be home. I am ready to stop and ready for meetings (which I think will help tremendously) and for counseling, and withdrawl, and depression, but I CANNOT be admitted. Can they do this against my own will per say? My addiction is not so far gone and out of control that I can't take care of my kids or go to work and function. I can still do it, though I might not feel as "good" doing it. I want to get the help now before it gets to the point where I am unable to function without them. Even though it might feel as though I cannot "function", I still can, I am just pretty miserable. Why havent I called and found this answer myself? I dont know. Fear I suppose. Strange the thoughts that run thru your head....even things you know wont happen. I keep thinking they will have caller id or something and send someone out here to pick me up! Am I insane? I know this wont really happen, but I am still thinking these crazy thoughts. Getting this help is a GIGANTIC step for me and I am ready to do it. Any information would be of great help.

Thanks,
Mal

Malibu,
Its been awhile since I checked in on this message board, but wanted to see how your doing. It sounds like your making progress by checking into rehab centers, and no, as far as I know, they cannot admit you against your will. That is, as long as you walk in on your own free will, and not so "wacked out" that you appear to be a threat to yourself or anyone else. Inpatient rehabs are not designed to hold patients against their will. You are usually free to mill around while not attending group sessions.
Please make some calls, you do not have to worry about "Caller ID", or having them come look for you. Just make some calls anonymously and get some answers to all your questions. They probably wont even ask your name. You will not loose your job by taking a medical leave of absence, providing you've been with your employer for a year or longer. The Family Medical Leave act prevents them from firing you. You may even have a supplemental benefit your not aware of that will pay you during your leave for seeking medical attention. Please let us know how you've been doing. I have been doing ok, not as well as I had hoped at this point, but I will post an update under the Opiate addiction message. Peace be with you!

Hi there -

I agree with Capri

You need to go to a facility to combat the physical stuff. Outpatient rehab is for follow up from the original rehab or for people who do not have a potentially dangerous physical withdrawal. Rehab is not meant to be "covenient" - it's for people who want help and to get better. They won't "section 12" or legally make you if you call them - but someone else can petition the court for that - a family member, a neighbor, someone from the school - you may end up with social services involved, etc. IF YOU DO NOT get help. (My fiancee is a paramedic - he transports section 12 cases by ambulance all the time) What would you explain to the judge if that happened - "I am not that far gone"? "I can't take time off from work". The risk you take of that happening is by NOT getting some help now. At the very least, pick up the phone book, look in the paper, or call the hotline and get your butt to an NA or AA meeting - the people there will help you without you having to worry about anyone forcing you to do anything.

Getting out of the mess you are in may not be convenient, or feel good, and it is a lot of hard work to stay clean after the fact. But, you'll get your life back - isn;t that what it's all about?

What Christine said is true. There is no "convenient" way to get out of this. Addiction is avery powerful and "progressive" disease. If you aren't able to stop, it will progress to where you will have some sort of "divine" intervention and you will be "forced" to stop.
"The ends are always the same, jails institutions, and death" I sure would hate to see you lose your kids, or your job, but it will happen eventually if you are not honest with someone. You seem to have alot of fear and that is understandable. We all did, but if you aren't honest with someone who can help you right now. it may be too late, when that day gets here that you "have" to stop.
Aren't you NOW to the point where you are unable to function without them? Please check to see if maybe you can go into detox for a few days and just at least physically withdraw with contolled meds, dispensed by someone professionally. Then, when you get out, you can start meetings. If your body is already to the point of physical addiction, you can't stop on your own. I am so sorry if I sound too hard, but it is all the truth and I have experienced everything. We all have. Don't lose your kids, over this, Christine, did, tell her again Christine. It will get to that point, if you dont' get help NOW!!!!