This is my story. I got married to this guy with a 3 month pregnancy, why? because I wanted him so much that it made me blind as to the truth. The first 4-5-6 months of our marriage has been like gold, very precious, we were like the perfect couple thanks to the help and money from my parents who wanted the best for their little girl. But after a while and getting more serious as to getting more responsabilities we started fighting. Things got worst after my baby was born. Our free time and liberty was kinda lost due to the time spent on taking care of my new born baby. I got frustrated to being tied up to my baby while he was out with his friends all the time. We are a young marriage please understand and with ****ed up brains as well. I remembered he used to believe that their was a hole in his soul that made him go nuts and react the way he is, the reason he used drugs. Does any of you feel the same? Like nothing satisfies you or inspires you in life? Well, I thought I could fill in that hole he had, I tried hard but I guess I was not the corresponded one. I tried for him to leave drugs, but it never happened even worst, I got dragged into it again. During the fall of our lives and marriage, I started using again, but this time harder. I got to weigh about 38 Kgs, my sinus got worst, I even lost my sense of smell. I used up to 20 grams of cocaine a week or more, smoked some meth, done barbiturics, about everything as long as it was made illegal. Then came a crisis and I almost lost my rights to being a mother. Fortunately a last opportunity was granted to me, leaving the country and starting all over. Now there is a hole in my life, I have a kid at the other side of the world, my neurons are blocked dead. So tell me, how to ask help now? I know i have done wrong and I know I have to proof myself and do it correctly. The hardest thing about addiction will never be leaving it but recovering from it. I am going through hell. I still love all the pleasure from life, have you ever seen the 7 sins, I have and love them all, i am attached to them all. How do you suppose you can detach from these, easily? no. I never seeked any professional help during my 10 year addiction. Who will help me now? What remains is finding something to incentivate me to get up in life, my kid you say, I am ashamed to say so, but it just hurst me more to know that I am his mother. I cant do anything well, the simple things in life are just so unorganized, how do you distangle it? Where can I find this? I carve to search for the roots of my problems only to find a bigger hole inside me.
I havent told anyone about this since I got to this country. So please, if you read do not judge me, listen to me, thats the only thing I need, some comprehension. I am ****ed up. What can I do about it? Go back and die, I know if I do not find a reason to fill in that hole I have, I will probably die. Have you ever gone on a highway, at 120 wishing you could crash, waking up and believing that you are dieing that day? Argh!

Wow when I read your post I thought I could have wrote this. You are not alone and you are not unique. You are an addict and the feelings that you feel are what every addict feels when the time is done. I was addicted to Heroin and Cocaine for 17 years. I was an alcoholic for 20 years and I have done every drug I could find. I tried to commit suicide many times. You are doing the first step which is to reach out. The first step in a twelve step program is We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanagable. Step two is We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I can tell you that I looked through my phone book and I contacted a detox center. I went there to go through the intitial withdrawals of drugs. From the detox I was placed in a recovery home where I could live safe from the pull of drugs. I am now at home and I attend N.A., A.A., and C.A. meetings and I listen to people share about thier strenght, faith and hope. I put as much time and energy into my recovery as I did my addiction. Pick up the phone now. Phone somewhere. N.A. or A.A. or any detox center listed. Make the first step and every thing will happen the way it is suppose to happen. Stop fighting and give your life over to a Power greater than us. I will pray for you and please keep me posted as to your progress. You are me. If you decide to attend a meeting you will see you are not alone and you can make the decision never to be aone in your addcition again. Thier is people out there just waiting to hep you and bring you in to a safe place. Let them do it.

I have a similiar story of loss and pain - you can read some of my prior posts to get all of the gory details -

bottom line is I am an addict and an alchoholic - I do have a "hole in my soul" which I always tried to fill with any kind of substitute. Unfortunately, drugs do not fill that void - they simply cause more and more loss until you are one big gaping wound of a person and the only thing you think will take away the pain is more drugs. I lost my children, a couple of jobs, several relationships and most importantly, my self-respect. It has been a long hard road of recovery - I recognize that I have to constantly be on my toes to make sure I don't fall into the mindtrap again. I use NA/AA and my sober friends and therapy. I am learning to like myself again. My children love me, my daughter is back with me, and I have the respect and love of my wonderful husband-to-be and my friends and family, a job I love and I feel whole again.

Get some help from a support group like AA - YOu will meet people just like you and learn what they did to get better. Hang in there, and NEVER EVER give up.