I have been taking about 5-6 Vicoden ES daily for almost 10 months. I liked the "Euphoric" feeling it gave me, and continued taking it long after I needed anymore. I've tried quiting several times, but the withdrawls were too agonizing and I couldn't go more than 6 hours without. Anyway, I have a bottle of Librium to use at night that my Doctor gave me to help me wean off, but as long as I have the vicoden available, I just can't discipline myself to cut back. My plan is to spend this weekend detoxing at my sister's house and just take the Librium every 6 hours for 3 days. In other words, if I'm drugged by the Librium all day, I won't feel the withdrawls, right?
I know this works for alcohol withdrawls as I took it in a detox center a couple years ago. Does anyone have any suggestions or anything more effective than Librium? Thank you!

Hi there -


I was a cocaine addict, not opiate, but I know plenty of people who are, apparently librium is what they give the detox patients at our local rehab center - and I've been told that you pretty much sleep your way through the withdrawal. Not that it is pleasant, by any means, but it certainly helps.

You didn't mention if you would still "have the vicodin available" after you do this detoxing at your sister's this weekend. I hope not, because, as I am sure you realize from your post, the temptation to take it will be too strong. If you do still have some - why don't you have your sister clean your house,so to speak, of it so you stand a chance!

You mentioned that you had been in rehab before. So this is at least a second round with substance abuse for you. why don't you get yourself involved in AA/NA and give yourself a chance to stay clean and sober this time. Detoxing is only the tip of the iceburg. Staying clean is the real challenge and you can use all the help you can get.

Good luck - keep us posted on your progress

Christine, thank you for your reply! yes, I will be taking my left over pills with me, and we will flush them down the toilet together! and yes, the temptation to "leave a couple" behind has crossed my mind, but I really and sincerely want to beat this addiction for good. I am very familiar with NA, as I spent 3 weeks in rehab for alcoholism. I attended 2 meetings a week and stayed sober for 8 months before I relapsed. During my recovery, I had a bout with pnuemonia and pluerisy which led to my use of vicoden for the cough and chest pain. I was taking the meds as needed, just didn't stop when I was over the illness.
It seems I just traided one addiction for another. I stopped attending my meetings after my relapse with alcohol, even though I did not continue to drink after that, I was ridden with guilt over the fact that while I was professing to be sober, I was in fact taking vicoden. I also never found a sponsor that I desperately needed. I am a very shy, and somewhat insecure person and just didn't have the courage to ask anyone. At my very last NA meeting when I confessed my relapse and cried and poured my heart out over desperately needing a sponsor, not one person approached me afterwards with words of hope or incouragement. Because of my shyness, I could never approach anyone, and I was always the one standing alone during smoke breaks, while everyone else hung out in their little "cliques" which I just hated! It reminded me so much of high school I just wanted to puke, so I never went back.
Anyway, I do plan to spend my weekend sleeping as much as possible, and I know I need to get back to my meetings.
I will post when I get back to let you know how I am doing. Thanks for listening!

Hi -

I know JUST the feeling you talk about feeling alone in AA/NA - I ran into that in a meeting too. Just that one group, though, and my advice would be to try another meeting. And I don't smoke, so I neer met people at the break either. (most of the meetings here are now 1 hour and don't even have smoke breaks anymore.) I live on the Cape- we have so many to choose from - I just kept going to different meetins. and I don't go to NA (too many active "users" there for me) I go to AA. There are PLENTY of drug abusers in AA as well for you to relate to. You are supposed to ask for help, but you don't have to worry about picking a sponsor right away - just get involved again. I personally think picking the person you will share your innermost fears hopes and dreams on a daily basis with is not a decision to take lightly or immeditaly!! I have been through two as it is. It can be hard to ask for help. Sometimes you have to.

Let us know how it goes this weekend. I will be thinking of you. Hang in there. You are a brave strong person to address this, and you have family support and friends here at this board. "See" you on Monday.

Originally posted by Capri38:
Because of my shyness, I could never approach anyone,
and I was always the one standing alone during smoke breaks, while everyone else hung out in their little "cliques" which I just hated! It reminded me so much of high school I just wanted to puke, so I never went back.
Anyway, I do plan to spend my weekend sleeping as much as possible, and I know I need to get back to my meetings.
I will post when I get back to let you know how I am doing. Thanks for listening!

Hey there, I remember when I first went to meetings it was like that. But it is our own insecurity. Did they tell you that you couldn't be a part of? It takes talking to someone. Go early, get loud, stay late!.
I'm sorry they say that for the football games.
Really though, you need to make the effort to talk to someone. These "cliques" you are referring to are just a group of people that have the same outside interests and they found that out by talking to others. We all were where you are at when you are new. Do you think we all came in here knowing one another? No, we did not. I am service and I help on committees when I can, etc., etc. You too can find some people that have the same interests. Don't make YOURSELF the outsider. Did you only try ONE meeting and only one time speaking up? We are all human and sometimes maybe those other women are new also, I don't know but I bet if you make the effort someone will talk to you back. That is why it is said in those meetings "keep coming back". Someone will eventually start talking to you. You didn't have a problem speaking up to get your drug of choice, did you? Me either. So just take a deep breath and try it again.

Just wanted to let you allknow I'm at my sis's house, been here since Fri. night. I took my last vicoden fri eve and we flushed the rest away. I've been taking the Librium and sleeping most of the weekend away, but when I'm awake, my whole body hurts and head feels like its going to explode. Don't know if i picked the right method to detox from cause when I'm awake I feel like crawling the walls. Was going to come home today, but it snowed and I live about 90 miles away so worried about trying to drive in this state of mine. Wish know that I would have tried withdrawing with methadone instead. Well see how it goes, I think I'll be heading back to bed soon. In response to the NA meetings, yes, I did have several friends there I hung out with most of the time. Even though my addiction was alcohol, I chose NA as I went through 3 weeks of inpatient rehab with alot of these people and they were like family, so I considered this my home group. I only left after the last incident in which I didn't get the support at that moment I was in a crisis, and yes, I will be finding another meeting if not going back to my home group and trying to start all over. please excuse my typo's as am having a hard time focusing on the keys.
thank you

[This message has been edited by Capri38 (edited 01-28-2002).]

Just wanted to let you know that I couldnt stand the pain and feeling like I was "crawling out my skin" in between sleeping with the Librium I called my doc who called in a prescription of Ultram, said it was non narcotic and non additive. Said it should help with the discomfort. That will be the last rx he will call in for me besides something to sleep at nights for the next couple weeks. I am holding on, sleeping as much as possible, and should be heading home tomorrow.
peace and love

Well, today is my 3rd day. I slept 11 hours last night and woke up kindof groggy from the librium, but no cravings for Vicoden. I know there will be more cravings, but am hoping the worst of my withdrawls are over. I mentioned earlier how I couldnt stand the pain and body aches, and my doc called in Ultram for me, assuring me it was non-narcotic. It definately helped with the pain, but when I did a search for Ultram on the net, it came with warnings that risk of convulsions and seizures may increase in patients going through drug withdrawl. Also, and I quote: USE IN OPIOID DEDPENDENT PATIENTS: Ultram has been shown to reinitiate physical dependance in some patients have have been previously dependent on other opioids. Consequently, in patients with a tendency to opioid abuse or opioid dependence, treatment with Ultram is not recommended! Now, should have this doctor have known this? Granted, it made me feel a lot better ( but not even close to the vicoden). I am wondering if I should still use this when I feel an anxiety or panic attack coming on. I definately cannot use Librium, xanax, or any other kind of sedative during the day while I work. Has anyone used Ultram, and is it addicting or habit forming?
Thank you

Well, I made it home and survived the weekend. Thanks "Sissy" for putting me up and taking care of me. I'm doing ok, but not sure if taking the Ultram was the best thing. I just wimped out and couldn't take the pain anymore. At least the Ultram works like a depressant, while the Vicoden affected me like a stimulant, so I have no desire to use the Ultram unless I start panicking. I just have one question. Since friday night was the last time I took vicoden, does that make Sat. the 26th my "Clean date", or am I not considered "clean" until I totally discontinue the Ultram and Librium?

Originally posted by Capri38:
Well, I just have one question. Since friday night was the last time I took vicoden, does that make Sat. the 26th my "Clean date", or am I not considered "clean" until I totally discontinue the Ultram and Librium?


For myself, I went into detox around the 18th or 19th,of June 1998(I lived in blackouts), and I came to from all the meds on June 20th. That is the first day that I was abstinant from ALL drugs. In NA we also believe that a "clean date" should be,(only a suggestion) on the day that NO DRUGS were taken. Whatever works for you, no one will (or should) judge you. If you were to step into the rooms of NA, you would not get "kicked out", you would be quite welcomed because today you are doing something about your addiction and you are being resposible and want to do something about it.

good luck,

Well I made it through my first day of work in one piece! It wasn't easy, but tried to stay focused on my recovery and how much better I will feel each new day. I did have one small episode of anxiety/depression and shed a few tears in the bathroom. Don't know if it was tears from withdrawl or tears of relief to be off the vicoden. I only took one Librium last night and slept all night, but of coarse out of habit woke up this morning to go straight to my coffee maker where I leave my morning pill out, only to realize I was going to have to "perk up" on caffeine alone!
I also started my Paxil again after being off of it for a year, and my next step is to find a new doctor who I can be totally honest and up front with. I need to sever all ties with my old Dr./drug dealer, which will not be easy. That is another long story which I may consider taking legal action against.
Anyway, day 4 and I'm doing ok, I know I can do it, and I just want to enjoy and love life again.

Hi Capri, just wanted to say congrats for getting off the drugs, and wanting to stay clean. I have been battling this for 5 yrs! Right now I am addicted to ultram, which I started to help wean myself off of Vicodin. Noone realized how addicting ultram really is, so please be very careful with it. And the withdrawls are worse than opiates and benzos! It did help my get off the vicodin, but now I have traded one drug for another. I am currently trying to wean myself off of it without much luck. Going cold turkey can cause very serious sezuires! Please be careful, and good luck!

in a post below i mentioned my boyfriend was thinking of tring revia. he did. sadly, no one replied to my post. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif
long term, we don't know what to expect from the stuff. although, it has helped w/ alcohol & other vices of his. he says the cravings are a lot less.

Capri,
Have you thought of checking into a hospital to detox?
It sounds like the doctor who is giving you Ultram isn't doing what he should. Maybe you should think about talking to a brand new doc about detoxing. Detoxing can be very risky on your own, please make sure you get some sound advice.

One addict to another,
Natema


------------------
*************************
Participating in real life is not so hard. Ceasing to
pretend that there is something better we could be doing is a
little harder.
-Tao of Enlightenment

Even those of us who really suffer from chronic pain have to take our meds just to "feel right". Regardless of the situation, anyone who takes something for a certain period of time become dependent. After 5 big back surgeries if i don't have meds not only does my pain level go sky high but i also feel the same effects as you. Luckily you have'nt really reached a high level of use but you sound as if you have zero confidence in yourself to stop. Did you first start as a result of a real injury?

It's clear that you really want to stop but i have to agree with the others about getting into a detox program. Your confidence in yourself to be able to stop is so low that you need the support that a group would offer. You and your husband cannot rely upon yourselves to help each other because your both addicts. You both need the help of others who are already on the path to recovery. I know with the way life is nowadays it makes you feel trapped as far as takeing off work to get in a program and get clean, but your not going to have those jobs down the line anyway if you don't get help. It's called investing now for your future....you'll wish you did when the day comes that you lose your kids and everything else.

THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY! STAY STRONG AND GOOD LUCK.

The Rock

Capri

Capri38 - I hear what you are saying - I have tried to quit before (successfully) but went back on the percocets. Ultram is a 'sleeper' when it comes to addiction - When I came off of them my life was hell. I am in the same circumstance again. Running out of percocets and looking at coming clean. I REALLY want off this time but I am so afraid of the withdrawals again. I live in the Boston area and do not know where to go for help. It would have to be outpatient because I need to work (the two things this addiction has not affected so far is work and family - thank god). I have spoken to my pain doc and I told him no more scripts even if i call screaming. He agreed. Keep trying. I know that about 1 month after coming off of them I felt GREAT! makes me wonder why I started again. Dumb *** I guess.


------------------
Trying

Colinsdad,
It's been a long time since I've posted on here. I guess I've just been avoiding it for fear of having to admit that I failed. However, I am not using nearly as much as I was, and have managed to maintain to a minimum ever since. I did stay clean for a week, but the fatigue was weighing me down so much, I could hardly get off the couch and my job suffered because of my lack of my energy. I asked my doc to call me in a few more, and he gave me 10 Vicoden. I've been getting 10 at a time ever since, but cut them in half and only take 1/2 a pill at a time, usually 1/2 first thing in the morning, again at lunch, and another in the evening. I make the 10 pills last about 7 days, and have never had a desire to take any more than that. I wouldn't recommend trying to detox on your own as I tried. The Ultram did absolutely nothing for me, I think I even have about 10 left. I should have went through a 7 day inpatient detox center, but had already been there twice before in the past several years for alcohol, and I did not want anyone in my family or workplace to know about this so tried to do it on my own. Obviously, I wasn't successfull, but still feel like I'm doing better than I was.
I think an outpatient program would be great for you to help you stay off the meds, however, you still need to detox and get through your first week of withdrawls. Maybe you should discuss this with your doctor to see if there is anything he can to do help you through this. I do not recommend substituting one drug for another though. If there is anyway for you to take a week off work, I think you would have a better chance of success going through treatment.
I wish you the very best of luck, keep us posted, ok?

well - I was taking anywhere from 15 to 20 per day! Right now I am at 7 - a big reduction but I want it to go to zero. I just do no want the bad withdrawals. Is there any herbal subsitutes out there that will help?
It's hard huh

Dear Capri,
Your letters sound like I could have written it. I quit drinking for three years. Ten years later I was in a car accident. The doctor prescribed Norco (a form of Vicodan). I have a very sensitive system so at first they made me sick, but they helped with the pain. Then I realized that they gave me energy and a false sense of confidence so I started using them at work. When they would start to wear off I would use cocaine or speed to get my energy back up and then to get to sleep I'd smoke pot. At that time I was a manager and responsible for a lot of people. Before I was using these drugs, I let my lack of self-confidence interfere with my decision making ability. Believe it or not, when I was at the height of my use I got a $10,000 a year raise. Upper management as well as my employees loved me. This further instilled in me that I was nothing without these drugs. (I'm a classic case of cross addiction) I was what was known as a functioning addict. Then, I finally had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for both substance abuse and depression. I have been clinically depressed since the age of 7 and I'm 38 now.

I just wish that my brain could naturally make me feel as euphoric as Vicodan. (Who doesn't) When I found that drug I thought I had found the answer for my depression. I had a love/hate relationship with it and would have probably not tried to get off of it if it didn't take more and more to get that same feeling. I had never been able to keep a constant supply of it so I would get anxiety attacks about where to get the next batch and was mortified that I actually reduced myself to begging a doctor for it. Also, I finally saw that it was THE most dangerous drug of all the ones I'd tried to quit. I didn't see that over time it worsened my depression.

I now do not crave any of the other drugs, but Vicodan is the beast of all beasts for me. I was using the same amount you did. I'm drug free now, but whenever I get suicidally depressed it's the first thing I think of. (Coping skills are horrible)

Sadly, I too have the same outlook on NA/AA as you do. I'm shy in group situations. (Much better in one-to-one conversations) You're the only other person I've ever heard describe it as high school. I feel the very same. Besides, I thought these people were supposed to approach newcomers. I always do if I'm in a situation where I know several people and see someone new. I'm very shy too, in the beginning.

I do attend an out patient group and the facilitator also runs a methadone clinic. She told me that it's highly dangerous to detox on you own. So, you might want to find one of those. Also, Ultram did nothing for my pain. It just gave me an upset stomach and made me irritable. It is also highly addictive. Please don't take it.

Sorry this is so long, but I never meet people with this addiction even though I know they're out there. In my group nobody's even heard of it. If you'll hang in there I will too.

Robin

Thanks for listening and hang in there.

As they say (and I believe) if you fail, at least you have tried. Those who do not try are the ones who actually fail.
hang in there with the rest of us.


[This message has been edited by colinsdad0402 (edited 03-14-2002).]

Great support here. It is good to hear (in a way) that there are others out there. I always felt quite alone on this one. Still at 7 per day. I hope to cut that down to 4,3,2,1 00000000000000
We'll see. I know I have to be strong but man its hard. What's worse is I do need something for the pain. They do not want to operate on me and I receive monthly injections to block the pain. I have two herniated disks in my neck along with Cervical Disk Disease (same?) I am waiting for the medical filed to come up with the new neck transplant surgery soon lol.
Take care all.

Capri you did not fail and you don't have to feel ike you did. I was addicted to Heroin and Cocaine for 17 years. The longest I have been clean was 90 days and I slipped once. I am back on track and I have 14 days clean. What a miracle. From not being able to stay cean for one day I have been clean of all drugs for 14 days and before that 90 days. I have been clean from Heroin for about a year.We as addicts want everything now. I think you are a very brave person. You have decided to do this and our trying to handle it the best way you know how. I will pray for you and all the addicts that still suffer. God Bless and please keep us posted. You are doing so great.

Hello everyone,
Well, I think I have made a little bit more progress. I switched from taking Vicoden ES (7.5mg) to regular strength (5mg) and still only taking 1/2 tablet at a time. I wish I had a good excuse for using it. I read other posts from people who do have valid pain problems. Me, I just use it for the energy, and to be able to feel emotion. Without it, I just feel so "blah". I still can't imagine getting up in the morning without that 1/2 a pill waiting for me by the coffee maker. I do wish to quit oneday, and be totally free of this evil. Like one other person put it, it is definately a Love/Hate relationship!

Peace

Hi! I'm going cold turkey tomorrow. Was going to today, but accidently found some more last nite (Hydrocodone 10mg 20-30+ a day. I don't have any Librium, but I do have valium, soma and Xanax. I don't have a "problem" w/any of those as all they do is make me sleepy. I don't take any one of them daily. So should they work like the Librium worked? I'm thinking sleeping thru the withdrawl sounds great and then I should be ready for work next mon. I have the check in this Fri, but I figure I'll be able to make it for a hour or two by fri. Any thoughts?

workerbee -

listen to yourself!!!

Really - read through your posts again.

You "were going to stop, but were too stupid to not flush your supply" - no, you're an addict, you're not stupid.

Now, you found more, and you'll go "cold turkey tommorrow" - oh, but with the assistance of valium, zanax, and God knows what else - because you don't use those daily and don't think they'll be a problem.

Better yet, sleeping through the withdrawal sounds good.

You should be in a facility that can monitor your withdrawal. You can have some heavy duty complications such as seizures coming off all of those drugs you have been taking.

And again, that is just the beginning.


If you are looking for the easy way out, my friend, there is none. Recovery takes honesty, hard work, and the willingness to change. As I said before, what on earth are you going to do to STAY sober??? I am afraid for you - I really am. Get some help - join a support group like NA or AA - check yourself into a facility for a few days at least to be safe.

Hello. I appreciate your words. Unfortunately going into a facility is NOT a option at this time. I'm just asking what I should expect so I may be prepared. I'm not even arguing the fact that I'm a addict. I know that and I know I'll need to go to NA for long term help. That simply is not possible right now. So if anyone cares to share with me what to expect, and what I may do to help get thru it I'd appreciate it, I must do this on my own at this point and get long term help when I am able. I would prefer to check into a factility, I just can't at this point. I do not want to wait until I can get into a facility, I want to do this now. Its important to me and my family. Thanks.

I'm sorry my above post posted twice so I just deleted the text from this one.

[This message has been edited by workerbee13 (edited 03-26-2002).]

Hello! Its 4:11 Pacific time and I just took my last dose of Hydro. As I've explained, I can't go to detox or NA right now, altho I know both are needed. I simply cannot and do not want to delay my road to recovery because I couldn't go to either of the above. So if anyone would like to give me suggestions without yelling at me about not going to detox or NA (I will go to NA, I know the mental addiction is what I need help with too and getting support is VERY important). I need to get thru the physical withdrawl now. I KNOW detox would be the best, but I just can't right now. I will check back later to see if anyone was willing to help and not yell. I felt attacked by the 1st response to my asking for help. I admit I'm a addict and that I need help. Do you seriously want me to continue taking this stuff until I can get to detox and NA? I have the strong desire to stop this NOW and thats what I'm doing. Thanks to anyone that is willing to offer any help. I know I'm in for hell and I deserve to go thru it for allowing myself to get this bad. You all cannot beat me up any worse than I've already/do beat myself. So Please, no more yelling at me. I admit I'm stupid and a addict.

Workerbee,
I admire your determination to do this, and I won't YELL at you, but I also must strongly urge you to do this under a Dr's supervision. Especially because of the large quantity of Vicoden you were taking in a day! You seriously could suffer seizures going cold turkey! I know in my first posts' I tried the same thing, however, I was taking a much smaller amount per day, and the Librium was prescribed by my doctor for just that purpose.
I will offer you my experiences for trying to go cold turkey in the past, and that was experiencing severe anxiety, rapid heart beat, rapid breathing, shakiness, headaches and fatigue that lasts for days, if not weeks! That is just my own personal experience, and then again you may suffer even more.
Please be very carefull and let us know how your doing, ok?

I'm sorry if you feel I was "yelling" at you - not my intention. I simply have been there, done that - so many of us have made the excuses over and over again - just trying to give you the benefit of experience. Wish someone had with me!

There is , I am sorry, absolutely, positively no reason, unless you are bedridden, that you cannot begin today to go to NA/AA. None. It is probably your best bet to stay clean and sober as well. Simple as that. For Pete's sake, give yourself a fighting chance.

Hi Capri! I appreciate your not yelling at me. I know all you say is right. I'm not ready to share all of me yet as I've just met you guys, I'll tell you this much, I've been sober for over 11 years and had I not backed off of going to my AA meetings as I have, I'd not be in the position I am in today. I still have not had one drop of alcohol in over 11 years, but I know, a drug is a drug is a drug. I don't even want to discuss the fact I'll have to change my birthday as it gets me suicidally depressed and I just can't deal with that right now. I know my limitations. And I simply can't handle going there right now. I also know I'd never have stayed sober this long had it not been for AA, so yes, I know first hand the importance of AA/NA, what ever works for you. I wish I could be under Dr supervision while doing this too, but since I can't be is why I came here, hoping upon hope I'd be able to get some tips to get thru this. I KNOW the dangers so I needed help even if the only help I can get is from a message board. I was started on pain pills again because of my back and neck. Followed by surgeries. No gall bladder anymore. The Dr knew I was a alcoholic as thats one of the first things I ALWAYS tell a dr when I first meet them. I always tell a pharmacist this too so I never accidently get given something w/alchohol in it, like couph syrup. I've even had to argue this point w/uneducated dr's re: the world of addiction. Soooo, I do feel VERY dumb to find myself in this position today, as I had the tools right at my feet to use, they were just to heavy to pick up this time. I'm glad I've still not drank over this, and I won't. Its just I'm more than ready to do this NOW, and I don't want to put it off another second should that strong desire pass. I want to pick up on that desire to stop and go with it. I'm glad this day has finally come, now I just need to survive it and get my butt back to meetings. Thanks again.

Thanks addicted. Your words helped. I will get thru this. Tonite I'm busily getting the things done I need to do tomorrow. I have to run out to do one errand. I'm hoping by Fri, I'll be able to get it together for just a couple hours as I'll have to go into the office for just a hour or two. I'll be at the 68th hour by then, almost 3 days, then I'll have to go and work four hours on mon, that will be at the 5 1/2 day point. I'm hoping to be thru the worst of it by then. We'll see. thanks again

Workerbee,
I have been ther, done that cold turkey thing. I was taking 15-20 percocets per day andhad no clue what it would be like when I stopped. Not to scare you but, I had the sweats, shakes, panic attacks, muclse jerks, and just an overall horrible feeling. Just like the movies. The first 5 days were truely something I do not want to go thru again. I felt better every week after that. Witht the help of my wife I made it thru. One thing that really drove me crazy was the muclse spasms I had in my groin area. I don't know how to explain it, but I found no relief for it and it was the main reason I could not sleep at night. It was like I was on 50 viagra pills (trying to put it as best as I can here). Good luck to you. Empathy should be the word of the month on this board. We are all (or were) addicts at one point in our life. Support for others who have the courage to try and get off the junk is what we all need to do. Workerbee, please let your Dr. know what you are doing though, at least he/she can monitor your health. Take care and the best to you

Hello everyone! You asked that I update, so here I am.... Since my last dose was at 4:11 Tues afternoon, I ended up getting tired very early so went to bed early which was a mistake cause that just make me wake up even earlier! I OK sleep, little restless but OK. This AM the biggest probles is the what I call"restless leg" syndrome. Since alot of you have used Librium, I figured that valium & Soma were the closest thing I had, it has done no good except to make me very tired, but I can't sleep. Well, theres your update, less that 2 hours from now it will be a whole 24 hours off the stuff!

Workerbee & Colinsdad,

Just wonderin' how you two were doing?
I was concerned workerbee about your attempt at detoxing by yourself. Did you have success? I noticed from your location that your about 25 mi. south of me, and I could reccommend a good detox center and/or inpatient facility.
I am still drudging along at 1/2 pill at a time. I am relieved and also surprised that my tolerance has not escalated to wanting more, yet still can't (or won't) go without. I know this sounds sick, but I know that my parenting with suffer if I stop. Without the meds, I find it very difficult to find the energy or even the desire to have fun or partake in any kind of activity, and I just can't fake it. Don't get me wrong, I love my children more than life itself and they know that. I have always been very affectionate towards them, and have been blessed with affection in return, even from 2 teenage boys who are not at all afraid to give mom a "hug" in front of their peers. My 6 yr old daughter, however, requires alot of attention from me whether it be playing barbie's, tickling, hide and seek or bike riding. I just feel that I could not give myself of her without the meds. I know I have been depressed all my life and have tried just about every antidepressant on the market. They ALL make me feel absolutely NOTHING! no sadness, but no joy or emotion either. That is a real sad way to live if you ask me. The best antidepressant I have ever taken is the Vicoden, but that is really, really sad. I wish I could just be naturally happy without anything!!!!!

My boyfriend has been in an in-patient rehab for about a week now, trying to detox off heroin. Before he could get in the rehab, he tried to quit cold turkey. It was INSANE. He was hot, cold, sweating, shivering, throwing up every 15 minutes, and everything else you could think of. He could NOT detox without the aid of a doctor. Once he got into the rehab center, they started him on a clonidine patch, and pills, and gave him enough valium to knock him out for a while. One week later, I have talked to him a few times on the phone, and he sounds great. I know we have a hard road ahead of us now, but I am so proud of him for doing this for himself FINALLY. Now I don't know if detoxing off heroin is worse then other opiate like drugs or not, all I know is that the withdrawal is horrid, and definitely needs to be done under Dr. supervision if you want to actually make it through. As strong as my boyfriend thought he was before going into rehab, saying that he was just going to quit cold turkey, once the withdrawal started kicking in, he could not control himself. He had to use, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He used up until the day he went in to rehab. I don't use, and I did not have any idea what this type of addiction was like, until I watched my boyfriend go through it. It scared the hell out of me. To those of you who are trying to detox on your own, I applaud your desire to get clean, but please PLEASE get yourself into some form of treatment. You may think you can't, or don't have the time or money, but you won't have any time left PERIOD if you don't do something now. My boyfriend has two jobs, and goes to school twice a week, but he realized that he had to stop his outside life for a while to save himself. Good luck to you all.

hello everyone-- I've been reading these posts for a while now........I've been addicted to opiates for a while, used them to get off of a cocaine addiction. I travel the country running tours for rock bands, so you can imagine the access to anything I could ever want. What sucked was being in charge of all of the money..........very hard not to buy with it, and sometimes I even did. I came home and to stay off the road for a while to get away from it all. I used the money I earned and borrowed to open a business here at home so I wouldn't have to leave my 8 yearold son so often. I opened a bar/nightclub............what a business for an addict huh?? I started using lortabs to get the "pep" and europhic feeling that lasted longer than cocaine, it was hella motivation everyday. I would even mix it with speed to get more work done. I have a brother with ADD who gets a constant scrip of ritalin, and has chronic back pain from a bad auto accident. Then my mother gets a divorce from my father (no way related to any of these problems) gets a new boyfriend who happens to be a dealer. Then meet two new friends helping with some rinovations on my new building.....V.A. patients with constant scripts of methadone, lortab, oxycontin, and morphine.......soon I'm ingesting insane amounts of all of these to "work harder and faster" to get this business open. Well I guess I can say it worked for me during the process, I got the building renovated and business open in 2 1/2 months. 7 days a week 15 hours a day work work work. I think I spent around $2000 dollars a on pills in that short amount of time. Now the business is open, I wanted to take a break from all of the work and sit back and enjoy life, spend lots more time with my son, and not take so many pills...........

Well guess what......I was f*#%ing hooked. My body freaked out like nothing I'd ever felt before, not even coming off the cocaine was this bad. It took me that long to realize I had a problem. I want to be around to see my son grow up and much more, I had to do something.

I know this is getting very long, but I want to thank all of you for your support eventhough you have no idea. I've been reading your posts for a long time now the whole time weaning myself down from 8-10 tabs, an oxy and god only knows what else a day (cause I don't even remember) to only two 7.5 lortabs a day. The whole time too nervous or I think just too scared to post. Now with the support of my wonderful girlfriend and friends I am in day number 5 of self detox and feeling a little better now.

The first 3-4 days I felt like everyone has described I was "crawling out of my skin" (still do, just not as bad each day), I wanted to curl up and sleep because I didn't have the energy to do anything much less be nice to anyone but I cannot possible lie still, I feel like a fish out of water constantly flopping around with restless legs and can't even come close to falling asleep. I toook celebrex for a couple of days it's an anti inflamitory I got when I broke my finger during renovations of the building (which I got even more lortabs for) never took the anti inflamitory/pain stuff cuase it sucked in comparrison. It took the shakes away for a while, felt a little better but messed up my stomach even more. tried over the counter sleep remedies didn't even touch the heebie geebies as I call em. I read in some thread on here where someone explained how your body is releasing it's natural stimulants that the opiates suppressed and that's some of why you feel so bad. After that I cut out all caffine intake and actually worked a tiny bit.
I'll cut this off soon but want to share what has worked for me so far......I actually make myself suffer throught the day so I won't ever forget the most awful feelings I've ever felt in my entire life. I am drinking daily detox herbal tea a few time a day on an empty stomach, then I force myself to eat, eat, eat lots of fresh fruits and vegtables, the combination is cleaning out my insides pretty fast. Also during the day I try to work extra hard demanding physical labor (to an extent) to sweat out more toxins. Believe me it is definately the last freakin thing I want to do, but I forget about how crappy my body feels and I'm not so lathargic. For me, lying around the house thinking about it all day long only makes it worse for me. Thank goodnes my girlfriend is taking care of the new business for me and helping me through......As for nighttime, I am finally getting sleep thanks to xanax. I do wake once in the middle of the night when it wears off to take another dose. It seems to be the only way I can make it through the night so far.
5 days in and going strong......Thanks for sharing experiences and feelings on here it is truly helping me. I hope this novel I have typed can help someone. Good luck everyone.

Bobo,
What an AWESOME letter! You are an inspiration to those of us who have overcame the addiction and who are still struggling. There is definately hope for all of us, know matter how bad we think we have it. I loved your expression of the "Heebie Jeebies". I couldn't have said it better!
Stay strong, and stay focused on your recovery.
Peace

Hangin in there - still at the 7 per day but nexy week I will cut that in half. I'm sure that is whenit wll hit me so expect some more posts from me - whinning etc. Good luck all.

good morning all. I hope you are all doing well today. I'm in day 6 now and still going. I got the calls yesterday from my connections ........."100 lortab 10's just came in, how many do you want??" and then another with morphine.......I went on the run and took a friend that I used to use (abuse) with all the time (who is not interested in stopping by the way) introduced him to the connection and walked away empty handed. A very proud moment for me.
Last night was wonderful being able to sit with my son and study spelling words, able to sit still, concentrate and pay more affectionate attention to him. He made his first "A" on his test today in a while. I had never noticed just how much it affected EVERYONE in my life.
collinsdad - good luck weaning....Does your family or partner (if applicable) know about your habit? The hardest thing I did (besides the heebie geebies) was tell my girlfriend about my problem, I was ready to get reamed but she fully supported me, made up excuses for me to everyone as to why I was never around and made the detox tea and food for me....everything while I was home in bed and pacing the house.
I felt like crap slowing down but while your starting to feel like crap imagine how it would have felt if you did it cold turkey from the high numbers instead. I was abusing for close to a year and I only had 5 days of heebie geebies, I know it's just the beginning of the journey, but it was the hardest for me. Day 6 I'm feeling even better, still a little fatigued but since no more shaking, chills and spasms I started caffine intake again. A little more that usual but got me up and moving and didn't make me feel bad.
I think you'll definately need a sedative- (I in NO WAY want to suggest more pills to get off of others so BE CAREFULL if you do, but it made me feel like I wasn't going to die. I am hoping tonight to sleep with no xanax.
Off to my first productive day with NO opiates, thank you everyone and please hang in there, if I can do it YOU CAN DO IT!

I have 30 left and I am trying to ween off of them but I am still very scared of the end. Right now I am at 6 then, 5,4,3,2,1,1,1,1 or so. Any advice?

Made a major commitment yesterday. I never told my Doc about my use and when I would run low I would suffer until my next fill. The supply was always there. I talked withhime yesterday and told him no more. He is going to give me clonidine (blood pressure med) to help with the withdrawals. I have read that this helps a lot so we will see. 6 today last night was okay. I now it is going to get worse.

To everyone trying to quit these pills... KEEP TRUCKIN!!!... lol... i was up to (8) 15/100 hydro/acet. every day. Did that for about a year. Went cold turkey and it's been about 4 weeks now. Still miss it almost everyday, but i know that i'm better off without it.
I tried to taper, but it didn't work for me, if i have 50-- i'm gonna take 50, lol... anyways, my biggest piece of advice is that the physical withdrawals ain't ****. It's the depression that follows that'll make you lose your mind. your head telling you that you'll never have another good day again until you take that pill. I'm only 4 weeks clean, but that's a helluva lot longer than i ever thought i could. Guess you just have to keep on "keepin on".
Good luck! and NEVER GIVE UP! -christy

I would like to began by saying "Thank you all for your listings and sharing your stories with others." Over the past nine days I have read your postings, and they've helped me emmensley. I have been addicted to Lorcet 7.5 then onto Norco 10mg. and Stadol nose spray for the past five in a half years. I am a recovered alcoholic of 10 years, and have the "addictive personlaity" so when almost six years ago went through surgeries on my head, neck and face. I traded my addiction. At the first of the month, myself and family moved a thousand miles away from my Dr's so that I may get off all the meds. I didn't want to ask any Dr. for meds for the withdrawal as before when I attempted to quit, only became addicted to benzo's in order to sleep and make it through the day without all the nerves.

I have done very well this time around, I am still very fatigued, and feel nervous, but have no desire to seek them. The first few days it crossed my mind, but I knew that would pass with each new day. I so related to the lady who said "She couldn't relate with her children without her meds." Over the last nine days, there have been times I've had to go to my room and close the door. Thank God I have wonderful children, they allow me the time to get my thoughts together and when I open the door to my room, we can enjoy fun time together again. I know it's hard to cope with life during such trying times, but trust me it gets easier with each new day. You can come off them and have a wonderful time with your child/ren. I know the first few days that seems impossible, but just explain to your children, as I have, that mom has the flu and isn't feeling well. I know children are demanding, but so is your health. You must remember that during it all, you are #1 as is your health, emotionally and physically.

I guess the hardest thing for me over the last nine days has been the pain. I have to keep in mind that I will live with the chronic pain for the rest of my life. I am not able to take the pills for the pain alone. I was taking 12-20 a day. Some months would take over 360 pills. But I have learned that the mind is a very powerful tool, I have been taking tylenol for the pain and it works! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Nights are still restless, but I am sleeping much easier as the days pass. However I know I need the support of others going through this, as I know the road ahead has many curves in it. Life is full of peaks and valleys, and I'm no longer used to coping with them clean and sober.

So today I found myself an NA group and will attend my first meeting tonight at 7:30 I'm eager to get started and will keep you all updated. Again thank you all for your postings and honesty. It's sure helped me get through a rough time. I hope my words will help others also.

Brandi

Getting there 5 days no percocets! The clonidine really helps with the heebee jeebees. A little down but that is to be expected. Great support around me. Doc calls daily to see how I am doing. Trying!!!
Thanks to this forum it has been a lot easier - like you have someone to talk to that knows what is really happening to you.
Take care folks

Way to go, Keep up the good work! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I know it is a daily struggle. More internal than anything it has been 14 days for me. YEAH... I still struggle each and every day. I didn't tell my doctor, just quit going and have gone cold turkey. Thinking I might have been better off asking for his help? I just wish someone could tell me when the nervousness, fatigue and sleepless nights will go away?? I just keep reminding myself each day is a day closer to a wonderful life once again! Wish you all the very best of luck, God Bless

Brandi

Brandi - I went cold turkey last time and that was the reason I spoke with my doctor this time around. It also cut off my supply (a good thing). I felt 'off' for about three-four weeks. Then I was back to myself feeling great. Makes me wonder why I refilled the script. Hang in there - you do feel better soon.

colinsdad,

thank you for your post, it has now been 16 days of being clean! YEAH I'm so proud of myself, still feeling sluggish, but making myself get up and out of the house each day, even if to just sit in the back yard. I'm still not sleeping well, it's a nightly struggle. I have began a daily journal, to refelct back upon and prove to myself that things are getting easier each day. I hope everyone here is safe and doing well also. I know it's an extremely hard up-hill battle, but we will all kiss ourselves one day for taking the steps to recovery. Again thank you all for your support. God Bless and hope you all have a great weekend.

Brandi

Well - day 10 and going well - I guess. Sleep is definitley a big factor. Sometimes it drives me crazy. I do feel very weak and tired but I know it will pass soon. Clean soon, hang in there everyone.
I watched 28 Days the other night. Good movie but they really downplay ther withdrawals.

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif
colinsdad,

I know what your going through hun, still not sleeping myself. Each night is a VERY long night. The good thing is, I am actaully feeling pretty good. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif It gets better as each day passes. I still feel fatigued on days. It's definately a struggle, keep hanging on in there. I promise it gets easier, you begin feeling better. I actually felt today like I had the energy pills gave me, you know the one we convince we will never have again without them? LOL Any who, I'm proud of you, have a great day http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

God Bless,

Brandi

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif
colinsdad,

I know what your going through hun, still not sleeping myself. Each night is a VERY long night. The good thing is, I am actaully feeling pretty good. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif It gets better as each day passes. I still feel fatigued on days. It's definately a struggle, keep hanging on in there. I promise it gets easier, you begin feeling better. I actually felt today like I had the energy pills gave me, you know the one we convince ourselves we will never have again without them? LOL Any who, I'm proud of you, have a great day http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

God Bless,

Brandi

Getting there! Day 17 and hanging in there. Off of everything (chlonidine). Sleeping without any help also. I am a little jittery and sweat a lot but I am on the back end of the process. Thanks to all of you for the support. It really helps. I will keep posting.
Take care

Three weeks and no pills!!! I am starting to feel good and good about myself. It was not easy. I stll have a crave for those little white things but I know I will not go back. The chlonidine really help folks.
Take acre all and i will write agaiin soon.

actually, the detoxing is the easy part vs. staying off the drugs. a weekend anywhere wont cut it unless YOU want to get clean and stay that way.
you have had a drug problem in the past so i would suggest going long term and start working the issues at hand.
1. by using the libs is continued self-medicating, not a good thing and besides won't really help in the manner which you want.
2. you need to get someplace that can do a medical supervised detox.
good luck

Detox is easy? I'm not sure about that. At least a week of pure hell. That type of pain and bad feelings is enough to keep most off of the drug. I know in my case I have severed all ties to it (doctor...)
Detox to me was the hardest and scariest part. I know I can stay off of them. I don't have the NEED for them.

What do you mean by 'libs'?
Thanks

Detox is easy? I'm not sure about that. At least a week of pure hell. That type of pain and bad feelings is enough to keep most off of the drug. I know in my case I have severed all ties to it (doctor...)
Detox to me was the hardest and scariest part. I know I can stay off of them. I don't have the NEED for them.
-----------------------
what i mean as far as detox being the easy (is) vs. staying off the drugs and working a recovery program.i am sure without a doubt that detox is the EASY part. hope you dont have to find out like i did in trying to stay off the drugs. i have been there more than once.
today i am clean 10 yrs.
hang in there.

What do you mean by 'libs'?
Thanks


librium

1 month and I feel very good
Thanks all for the support

2.5 months no cravings and full of energy. Finally

HELLO,I JUST READ,ALL YOUR REPLIES,AND CAPRI.I AM AN RECOVERY ADDICT,I WAS INTO HEROIN AND COCAINE. I HAVE NOT USED COCAINE IN OVER A YEAR,I HAVE NOT USED HEROIN IN OVER 6 MONTHS,JUNE5TH.BUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS ,EVEN THOUGH YOU DO NOT GO TO N/A OR AA,DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN NOT HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM,YOU REALLY NEED TO PUT YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE.I KNOW IT IS HARD SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS,BUT THINK ABOUT IT.,IF THEY WHERE YOUR FRIENDS WOULDN'T THEY WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.USUALLY ADDICTS STICK TOGETHER,ITS LIKE WE ARE MAGNETS,AND WE ATTRACT OTHER ADDICTS. WE USE AND ABUSE OURSELVES ON A DAILY BASES.AND THEN USUALLY WE ARE IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS,THAT MAKES IT WORSE.BECAUSE FOR ME I DID NOT NEED ANOTHER PERSON TELLING ME WHAT LOSER I WAS.I DID THAT JUST FINE ON MY OWN.BUT WE ALL HURT WE ALL HAVE PAIN SOME MORE THAN OTHERS,NOONE IS GONNA MAKE YOU OR PAY YOUR BILLS,TAKE OF YOU,BUT YOU,,AND FROM THE SOUND OF IT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO IT,HUN..PUT BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND AND DO IT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN AND SO DO YOU,,BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE IT,EVEN FOR A DAY,THEN IT WILL BE A WEEK AND THEN A MONTH,ONCE YOU GET THAT FEELING OF BEING CLEAN YOU WON'T WANT TO USE,,BECAUSE AFTER 7 YEARS,,I AM NOW STARTING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME,,HANG IN THERE,,OK HUN BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,,YOU ARE ALL YOU HAVE,,OK PEACE

Salem,
Thank you for your thoughtfull insight. It's been quite a long time since I posted, but I do read them often. Nothing much has changed as far as my addiction goes, but I have managed to stay exactly where I was in January, and that is only taking 2 vicoden a day, at 1/2 a pill 4 times daily. I know I have to eventually stop. I guess I feel that I have improved so many more destructive areas of my life but definately have more to work on. I left my husband almost a year ago, who was a heavy drinker, gambler, and crack addict. I know he still uses even though he denies it, because his hand tremors give it away. When I was with him, my drinking got way out of hand, and I became suicidal and self destructive. These past 11 months, I have had maybe 6 beers (socially) at the most, I never crave it or even think about it. I have worked really hard at making a new life for me and my daughter. My self esteem is back, and have just recently started dating again. But this is where I need some advice. This new guy is everything I have ever wanted. He is healthy, athletic, doesnt smoke or do drugs, but he also doesnt know anything about my past. I want him to get to know me and appreciate me for who I am now. He doesnt know I smoke, and I have managed to cut way back hopefully to the point of quitting soon. I am afraid of scaring him off if I divulge too much too soon, since we've only been dating for a week now. Do you think he needs to know everything, or should old bones stay in the closet? Thanks everyone

ps. Collinsdad- congratulations on your successful recovery. You are an inspiration to me!

oh baby,,hun, u need a lot of love,u really do.and i need to tell you that even if it has been awhile since you left your husband i think it is to soon for you to be with someone,exspecially if you can not be your self.yes he is probly everything you ever wanted,,but think for a minute.i no i have not been clean for a long while.but if i was to meet someone and could not do was ifeel or say as i feel,,even though this could be the one,,well look at it this way if he is the one then you will have nothing to worry about,,he will come back,,he will except you for you,,and also hun always remember your daughter because no matter what or who,,she will always love and be there for you,,,,so please please take this advice seriously,,,ok think of making u and your child happy first and tell him everything and say i will give you time to think and if he calls then take a day at a time,,and if he does not yes it will ,,but hey u have felt worse right,,u will have more time to focus on you and your baby,,i do not care how old sh e/he is mine our always my baby..and u have n o idea having u say that little ole me helped you,,well thank you,it means more to me than u no,hun please take care of u and your family first,ok(and i am glad u got rid of wut's his face)lol!! please i care!!just like u care!!god bless b-careful,peace

You go girl,its 2:30 am in the northeast and Im on the same boat I also describe the crawling out of the skin problem, I am 5 yrs on oxycotin 20 mgs at 150 -180 a month along with 60 5mg tabs of roxicodone I too want my Dr to pay for my addiction with all the kickbacks by big drug companys, thats why we are addicted they have no care in the world what this stuff does as long as they make money , but goodluck, Im hurting really bad want to run head first into wall to sleep , know that feeling , thought so,well again goodluck!

Richie in CT

[This message has been edited by Navalhawk (edited 06-02-2002).]

Salem,
I spent a good hour last night writing a reply to you, but everytime I tried to submit it, I got an error message stating my password was incorect (even though it was) I checked it and tried several times until my whole post just up and disappeared! errr..I was so mad, too mad to start over.
Anyway, I'll try to remember what I wrote and start over. Basically what I said is that I know in my heart that you are right. Before he gets more emotionally involved he deserves to know more about me, but at the same time, I just want a chance for him to get to know me for the person I am now, without all the baggage I once carried. I had pretty much resolved myself to the fact that the only men I would attract are addicts, not that it would be a bad thing if they had been clean for a long time, but people who have not experience addiction can be closed minded because they just don't understand!
I have dedicated 100% of my time over the past year with my 6 year old daughter. I have allowed her to spend with her father, as long as I see that he takes good care of her, leaving me with a lot more free time.
I know it will come out eventually in one way or another, becuase so far he hasnt asked me about this big fleshy scar I have on my forehead I received a year ago when I fell during one of my drunken episodes. It was exactly that last incident that made me decide to leave my ex, because I knew if I stayed with him anylonger it would have only been a matter of time before I would be 6 ft under.
Today I am going out and buying a box of nicotene gum. I have been taking Zyban now for almost a week, so guess its time to try. So wish me luck on hanging up the smokes too!
Thanks for the love and advice
Peace to you all

capri,,hun,,1 thing at a time,,please if u smoke then smoke,,because at this very moment that is what u have and it is legal,,,1 challenge at a time,,i just mean if u think u can handle it ,,great,,but it is stressful,i no i smoke and to me hey,,i am quitting the illegal crap that is killing me and my family,yes i no cigerattes kill to, but at least its an legal,(kill,,lol) anyway all i am trying to say is ,,DO NOT PUT TO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE,because it sounds like you are,sweety..i just had a friend over dose 2 weeks ago,,and it sucks,when u just see that person a day or 2 or 3 before, there mother finds them,,it just seems that everyweek someone i no is dead from drugs,,hello what is wrong with the picture,,so i can b happy for me,,,yippee,but whay about that child, mom or husband or wife who just lots there soul mate,,and as for the gentleman u met i told ,,if he cares he will except you for you,hun,,and if he done UCK HIM,,he is not worth your hangnail,,lol..babe ireally need to run iwasnt gonna reply,because i got home and i am tied ,,but i feel i needed to share,and help,ok sweety keep chin up,ok love,,hey i no u can do it,,do u tell your daughter she can do anything as long as she goes to school& college,,well the same is for u,,,really think about it,,i not it sux to think,,but hey take care of u and your girl,,ok,,love yeah,,god bless,keep chin-up,,peace

Capri - Thanks. Posting with you has helped me so much. It's good to have someone to talk to abou this. Hang in there. Your cutting back is a major accomplishment!! Keep it up.

Everyone keep on trying. It is tough but woth it.

Hi C I just read your posts although I belong to another board "cancer" I won't spend a long time here but i have to tell you just a little of my story. Just the other day while moving around some furniture out fell a little blue pill its called halcion and had been my very beest friend for 10 years as a matter of fact I had a lot of "very best friends" and they all came dressed in pretty colors and fancy names such as xanxa, librium,paxil,elavil,serax, and oh so many more I was very popular not with my kids though but I didn't really mind that because me and my friends would sit down every night and have a few drinks to add a little relaxing mood to the hectic life i had to lead you know working etc and that was all interfearing with me and my "friends" oh and don'
t forget the smokes not drugs mind you "I would never do drugs" just cigarettes !!
I always felt that I as well needed these guys because "my brain" did not make me happy either. OH BOY was I in for a surprise!!
With going into more detail I just want you to know this I am a full time student,a grandmother and other than the cigs I am completely drug free and have been for 3 years now and yes I did it all on my own and I did it for me .
This is the happiest time in my life and I had to get to be 55 years old to find out my brain does make me happy and I can't believe when I go back over the years in my mind that I never knew who was living in my body. Youi can do what ever you want if you want it bad enough I am living proff of that . God bless you all. Oh yes I laughted when I found the little bill friend how often had I practically torn apart the house looking for these friends after a couple of days boozing to find my daughter had hidden them. Holy God what a mess of an existance that was and I am so happy to be where I am today with my book , my cat and a good cup of tea and of course my smokes that will be my next battle.

[This message has been edited by jerrikehoe (edited 06-04-2002).]

Hi Capri 38 you were the first person to reply to me when I first came to this site and I just wanted to say thanks I really am enjoying being here so once again thank you and ihope you are staying well and hanging in there.

Here is an experiance that I don't think anyone wants to go through, my husband and I were on holiday in Florida and he had never agreed with any medication for depression or any other reason at the time I was on Halcion Xanax and something else I can't remember any way he figured he would get me off the stuff on his own so he flushed the whole thing without telling me let I was ok untill the third day and from than on it was a nightmare I think I drank for the next 2 weeks we were there. I am Canadian so I was a long way from home and my doctor, well I made it back home ok but the folling day I was admitted to hospital and I nearly died my children were told I may not pull through. Well here I am minus the husband and the pills but it wasn't that incident that stopped me I had another couple of years to go yet before I got off the stuff. Why I am telling you this is these drugs can cause what happened to me so for heavens sake don'
t think about going cold turkey on the stuff, if you want to you will do it the right way ....eventually... and the other thing is you might think other people don't know about your problem but the odds are a lot of people know and you only find out when you are clean. Good Luck to you and try and get some medical help to do this with because it could cost you your life and nothing is worth that, I know that from my own experiance God Bless you and keep you safe.

Capri38 Why ever would you bare your soul to a person you really just met?? You think about that now for a minute after how far you have come all the hard work to get where you are and now to think about sharing this with another. I DON'T SO GIRL !!! We dependant people kind of got where we are now by feeling we owe something to someone and sure you are right back at it you let that man get to know the real you before you go tell him anything about your baggage as you call it I hardly think you would walk out in the street and tell the first person you meet your life story so why set yourself up to a big hurt I doubt that you know all about him do you ?? Take your time he has nothing to do with your past and you are feeling good about yourself as you should be so don't open any doors to any one who you might have given the power to knock you over. Isn't the gift of guilt wonderful ?? someone said its the gift that keeps on giving and already into this new relationship you feel guilt, guilt that you havent told him your innermost secrets. Be kind to yourself and let someone else be kind to you because after the long lonely journey you have been on you most definately deserve love so take it where and whenever you can right now its not costing you anything. Good luck God Bless yea girl and go have some fun-fun-fun-fun. Your Friend in Canada Jerri

Capri,
Sometimes it is nice to get to know about people as the reationship grows, In the past I had dated men that laid thier whole life on the table and I found it odd. I have the believe...it is not where you have been, or where you are going.. it is where you are now.I have been with the same man for 5 years and I am still learning about him and it keeps the relationship fresh. I hope your day is well. Blessed Be

Jerri & Squirrel,
Thank you both for the vote of confidence, and for supporting me. I had an awesome weekend! My boyfriend and I spent the whole weekend together, strolling the beach, eating out, and just spending some real quality time together. And, I've gone 3 days now without a cigarette! I did cheat a couple times with some nicotene gum, but feel like I can beat it now. We spent a long time talking, and though I did not tell him about my visits in Rehab or self destructive behavior while I was drinking, I did tell him the reasons behind my last failed marriage and that alcohol did play a part. But I also made it clear that I no longer use alcohol to solve my problems and that it had been almost a year since I was last intoxicated. I did tell him that there were things I probably would never talk about just because I needed to put them behind me and get on with my life, guilt free. He was really sweet and understanding and did not push anything. I asked me if I used to smoke or use drugs, I said yes and left it at that.
I am so head over heals with this guy and I know I need to be carefull but he seems so good for me. He is so healthy, and wants the same. I really feel more confident in myself than i ever have.
Thanks again you guys for listening!

careful Capri you are still a little vulnerable now so don't get head over heels just yet I think its great you had such a good time on the weekend we are all envious at least I am, but heres a couple of things I have learnt from my experiance in order to always have control over your own life 2 things you should never to #1 never give your heart 100% to a man
#2 never make your children your whole world, the reason being if relationships collapse and we all know about that, and we have given al to the person what do we have left to rebuild. Take care and continue to have fun you deserve it. Jerri

I am so happy for you. I love that feeling when you first meet someone, it is magical. You sounded like you had great time. I am jealous...in a good sense. You sound like you have your recovery pretty tight, so have fun now. I know that sometimes I get so caught up in my recovery that I forget there are other things in life. I have had to let some things go. I think how you are chosing to let him know things on a need to know basis is a good thing. May be the self-destructive behaviours will subside when you feel better about your self. You go girl......I wish you all the best. Blessed Be and please keep us posted on to how everything is going.

ultram is addictive dont let anyone tell u its not

Hi, Have you ever tried Zoloft for your deppression? Ive heard alot of people have great results with it.It brings your seratonin levels up so you feel better and happy and well balanced.It has no real bad side effects like you hear from paxil or prozac(altho as with any meds there are always risks)It doesnt give you a high like vicodin does.Its more like a normal natural kinda high.Its not a narcotic either,so you cant get addicted to it.Im not sure if any of this info can help you.I just thought I'd throw it out there for ya.We all care about you.....huggles, sue

hi, I'm just writing to anyone out there who could help me.
I was taking about 15 to 20 percocet 10mg a day and I just stopped taking them 36 hrs. ago. Would someone please tell me how long will this unpleasant feeling go away?
I've been takin them for 13 months.

[This message has been edited by walt61 (edited 07-05-2002).]

Dear Capri,

I have read your "above posts" - and YOU & your life sounds alot like MINE. I had an addiction of some sort, all of my Adult life. (whether it was Alcohol or Opiates) - "Addiction is a Disease" - I have tried, probably every anti-depressant on the market. As you said, "NONE of them worked on me either" - and, it wont. Addiction being a disease of the brain, we are lacking chemicals in our brain, that make us feel normal and happy like everyone else around us. (thats' why taking the Vicoden helps you feel normal) - your natural endorphin system, is not functioning like it should, therefore the Vicoden helps you. I had a pschiatrist, (for the first time) TRY an Opiate on me,(for depression, addiction, etc.) instead of a anti-depressant. I believe this would work for you too. If you should want to try an Opiate replacement Therapy, let me know - I can provide more information. I know, my "post" will probably not be well received by others who feel "total abstinance" is the answer. But, for some "addicts" - Total abstinance is completely impossible, due to the damage of their Endorphin systems. Thanks.
RaZzLe, or you can email at, ACrosb@aol.com

My boyfriend has been on vicodin for five years. They are doctor prescribed for neuropathy, 3-4 a day of 10 mg. He doesn't exceed the prescribed dose, but he does drink nightly and the combination scared me to death. I've done quite a bit of research on opiate addiction and secretly counted his pills each night and morning to make certain he wasn't taking too many. This week he has spent in detox (yeah!) quitting the alcohol. His doctor feels he needs to continue the pain medication so we are going on his advice. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Last Thursday morning, my best friend, whom I knew liked to take vicodin, but didn't realize it was a problem, came by for coffee. She went to the bathroom before she left. As I had counted my boyfriends pills earlier that morning I knew there were 42 in the bottle. He was still in bed asleep.After she had left I went in to take my shower and when I opened the medicine drawer to get something, I noticed the level of the pill bottle had decreased considerably. In counting the pills, I found she had stolen 14 of them. This is my best friend. During further research, I found stated that if the addict cannot get the pills from their doctor, the first place they go is "other people's medicine cabinets." It finally occured to me why she cleaned other people's houses when she has a husband who makes over $100,000. a year.
This has broken my heart. Are there others out there who have resorted to stealing from other people's medicine cabinets? I try to tell myself that this was not my friend who stole from me, but the addict. Vicodin is a very scary drug.

[This message has been edited by julio (edited 07-05-2002).]

Capri,

I just want to tell you, that I can SO relate to you feeling that your "parenting" suffers when you are trying to stop. I have posted several times about my addiction to the sleep-aid Ambien, and I think that is the WORST part, knowing that I have absolutely no desire to take part in any activities with my kids when I'm making a serious effort to knock it off. Everyone suffers with me, and no one knows what I am doing because I am reluctant to admit this to anyone. It's like it takes all the energy that I have to withdraw into myself and suffer through it. I am only on my second night without the Ambien, but I have seen so many aspects of my life suffer because of this drug that I am determined that I am through. My kids deserve a happy mom. And I am SICK and TIRED of worrying where I am going to get my next prescription from. I fool myself into thinking I can wean down, but realistically, if I have it in my posession at all, I don't care if I have any left for tomorrow, I just worry about feeling good that night. Sad sad sad. So, for me, there's no way around this problem except straight through it. Good luck, and tell me how you're doing.

I hope you all keep working at staying clean. If your not clean, please get yourself there any way that you can. My boyfriend, who was on parole, is now in prison because he couldn't get off heroin. (he thought he could do it on his own) It is so sickening and so sad because I don't think he deserves to be locked up for being an addict. Our country's view on drugs and how to handle them is absurd. It is terrible because even though everyone in the Dept. of Corrections understands the severity of our drug problem, the only way they know how to handle it is by locking you up. I hope to God that none of you find yourself in this situation. My boyfriend had to detox in a cell at one of our local jails, and now he is in prison for an undetermined length of time. Of course he had been in trouble before, and that was why he was on parole to begin with, but ALL of his problems have stemmed from drugs. Please do whatever it takes to get yourself clean. Not only will it save your life, it will keep you out of the Department of Corrections and their idea of rehab. Good luck to you all!