Am I fooling myself?

My husband and I have been together 2 years. I don't for one second doubt that he loves me, maybe even as much as I love him. We have endured 17 relapses while we've been together, but he has been clean for 9 months. Part of my problem is that i'm still really, really angry about the last one (he took my 7 month old son with him). The other part of the problem is that I know that drugs and sex are strongly co-related for him. I don't know if i can/should put my faith in my love for him and believe that his relapses never involved actual sex, or go the way of highly suggestive "facts".
1. I found a massage parlour card in the car
2. He admits crack whores were in the car, but only as contacts for scoring the drug
3.Whenever he came back from using, we had to have sex right away
4. He says using crack makes it impossible to achieve an erection but later said there were 2 exceptions to this, long before we met
5. I have twice found nudie magazines in the car afterwards
6. when I was pregnant he wanted me to be tested for hep even though he said he never shared a pipe with anyone
7 The amount of money spent during relapse would suggest that he was buying something in addition to the crack

Are these facts? Am I being willfully blind because I love him and want to be with him? This can not be about forgiveness because cheating is where I draw a line, high or sober. Sometimes I want to go out and sleep with a nice guy just so I can feel uncomplicated about sex again. Revenge is also part of it. i haven't done it because, in my heart, I believe him. Is this what is called co-dependance? I believe him because i know that we have a destiny/soul-mate kind of love. It's cheesy but it's true (I think). Need advice.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

Lucis
I should have read this post before I answered you on the other topic "sex and crack". I am still trying to figure out the same thing..did my husband cheat? what is it like to be high and surrounded by woman who are high too? is it just an automatic sex orgy? Gosh I have so many questions...

Any crack addicts willing to answer Lucis and Me?

Oh by the way my husband told me to get an AIDS test...Said it was because he used needles? Do I believe him?

Why is it that Good Guys always finish last...??
The guys you speak of always know what to say and can tap dance their way out of any situation. Your not crazy, those are some damning facts. Their is a reason your questioning him, the way he acts, talks, body language around other women. LOVE IS BLIND... so if your noticing it and your the one less likely to see it or question it because your in love there is a major problem. I'm sure other friends have noticed it too. I would suggest talking to them, remember if you go investigating. Be ready for what you MAY HEAR. I will say this.... people that use this drug are very prone to sex while on it, that backed with your version of the facts would cause me to believe he is guilty. If I were you his buns would be sleeping in the dog house....or at the hooker's house. However I'm not you and thats only for you to decide. Regarless if he has cheated, him doing this bothers you and you should put your foot down and let him know there will be repercussions if he should do it again. Besides most men prefer a women that doesn't put up with crap rather then a boring chic he can wipe his shoes on.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Is it worth your health? Do you love him enough to risk hepatitis, AIDS whatever? Good luck.

So, have either of you attended Nar-anon or Al-anon? It will explain about enabling and being in denial as well. you have to take care of your self and set some boundaries. Good, healthy solid boundaries. Not "okay, he relapsed, but I will be pissed if he cheated on me" AND....cheating on him will not fix the problem. The problem is the addiction. All the behavior are symtoms of the addiction. After we stop using, we have to take a look at ourselves and work on the past feelings, attitudes, and beliefs that only worked when we used. That is why in NA we work the steps. It seems you are making excuses for your husband and not taking care of yourself. Please just think of what is good for you and your well being. You may need to make some decisions that are a bit difficult for you. Maybe your husband doesnt' even know how to love you yet. You are loving enough for both of you. Anyway. Just my input. Good luck to you. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif