Just thought the board could do with a lift after reading "til death do us part"!
Though my boyfriend is still drinking, I am feeling very positive about myself and our future together. Mostly it is in the attitude and perspective we choose to have and we can all choose this. We have spent three of the loveliest weekends together, when we have been closer than ever before. During the week, he still goes out drinking 2-3 nights and spends all his money.
Things are different between us though. It is hard keeping my mind on the right track without letting judgement and anger seep in but it is possible. I am very happy with him and have no regrets as he gives me love that no-one else could. It is his love for me that makes me feel strong and special, so that I can do this.
He is also helped by the fact that I don't judge him or try and take responsibility for him as I have done. He can work through his addiction at his own pace until he wants to stop for his own reasons. I believe that this way, it will be a much more solid basis for sobriety. He does want to stop but still fights the idea of going to counselling.
It is up to him what he decides to do with his life and I have learnt to live my own irrespective of what he does. His debts are his own but he knows, he can come over (sober only) for meals here, if he is really stuck.
He doesn't abuse this situation either and offers me some of his small rations too. The whole point is that if you love someone, you will do your very best to make them happy. When you receive love in return, you also have value for yourself and will consider your own feelings or needs in making the other happy.
I think, we have found a balance that is working for us. My boyfriend has to face his addiction now even more so because he can't be angry at me anymore. I understand (as far as is possible without being an alcoholic myself) what he is going through and he knows, he has my support. He trusts me and asks for advise when he needs it.
I believe in him and who he is and together with the fact that we truely love each other, he will be sober in his own good time. I am not waiting anymore as my life goes on but I know, it will come some day. My belief in him gives him hope that it is possible and that he is worth "saving".
Whatever happens in the future, the love he has given me (in spite of his alcoholism which I find amazing!), has given me a belief in myself that I never had before and that I will carry through my life, regardless of whether he is sober or not.
There is hope and it is possible to be happy in the midst of an addiction (i.e. alcoholism).

P.S.Has anyone heard from Squirrel or Christiane? If either of you read this, I am still thinking of you and how you both are.

Wow - I'm impressed!

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Please don’t take this the wrong way!! But when is enough, enough???
Do you really want to continue living like this? You have a great weekend and then he’ll drink during the week and you’re alone. That is the classic Ostrich Syndrome “ if you can’t see it, it isn’t there”. I just don’t get it. If he isn’t ready for counseling then he isn’t going to stop. The alcoholic or addict will tell you exactly what you want to hear. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but, think about what it would be like for someone to love you back as much or more then you love them.


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~~~~Carpe Noctem~~~~

Aideen, honey, I have to agree with Sandman. You told me the same thing in regards to my guy and my guy goes to counselling and meetings. You are breaking my heart, waiting for scraps of his attention. The proof is in the pudding and actions speak louder than words. The first step in quitting drinking is to not drink (so says my local AA) so please stop trying to convince yourself that he wants to quit. He has no money and no prospects and you have a bright future and your family. Please take care. I am very worried about you.

No need to worry - I am not waiting! True, I do sometimes slip back into the expectations of a "normal" relationship but I am prepared (for the moment)to live like this with "the scraps of attention". Believe me, I know what you all mean and I understand it. I know too that it is very difficult to describe a relationship with all the complications and feelings on a message board.
A friend of mine, whom I told the situation to last weekend (when I did go out in spite of my boyfriend being "available"), advised me to stay with him while he makes me happy. That is what I am doing. I'm not saying that I could be satisfied with a relationship as this one is now as I know,it is only "half-measures" but things are constantly changing between us - always.
He makes me happy and he loves me completely. I understand how his addiction works and know that he wants to change. What I am waiting for is that he finds reasons for himself to want to change, whether I'm in his life or not.
It is very hard to explain to others and I know, that everyone (except my mother who knows more of the details than others)only has my welfare at heart.
Rebecca-I am living my own life, doing my own things and enjoying my kids. I am not with my boyfriend when he drinks and he knows, he can't call on my then either. Yes, it is hard not to be able to rely on being with him or on his promises but I have lowered my expectations, so that this does not hurt me as it did. NO, it is not right not to be able to have "normal" expectations in a relationship but that is all he is capable of at the moment which doesn't mean it will be for life. I cannot tell how I will feel about this set-up in the future but I will live for today.
I believe in him and know, he will make it someday. In the meantime, I will look after myself and enjoy our time together.

I dunno. You sound pretty sharp to me. I hope things work out for you and your b/f. Im STILL impressed! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Thanks for the confidence - where did you pick that name from!!!!

I am rooting for you. I am where you are to a certain extent as you well know. I am hoping so much for you to be happy and him to be well. You deserve the best as do we all.
((((((((((((((Aideen))))))))))))))

Tanx Rebecca-I am happy whether he's drinking or not! Though he still drinks from time to time and may again, I am definately different. I have learnt the meaning of "detaching with love". Tonight, I could have been with him but left to sleep at home instead (very different from my earlier self!). I know, I am getting to a healthier place and my happiness no longer depends on what he does or doesn't do! Of course, sometimes it is hard to maintain this mind attitude as it can be difficult but usually, I find that, if I look after myself (sleep, have fun, etc), I can manage.
He is also in a better place. He has just started work again (fourth security job which he hates) and it's a question of time before he feels so stressed again that he will want to drink. It will be interesting to see what he has learnt about himself. I know him better than he does himself!
Anyway, thanks for the hopes! I have other pleasures in life besides him - my kids who give me constant enjoyment (though stress too at times!). My youngest has just started school this week and has done really well. Both have had a lot to deal with in the past 2 years and are coping really well.
Time for my beauty sleep now...what are you doing about your financee? Did you move out? How are you coping? Has he gone back to AA? It is a painful experience but we grow from it too....good luck..

He just went 9 days clean and sober and then slipped. We had a huge HUGE row this weekend over it and as silly as it seems, we needed it. I told him I was sick of the fact that he didn't care and that he neede to just be honest and man enough to tell me that he didn't want to stop drinking and smoking pot so that I could get on with my life. We ended up screaming at each other in our basement (on the day of my aunt's funeral too) but finally, I got real emotion out of him. He told me he truly does want to stop and I told him that was good because otherwise he needed to find a new room mate because I would be done. He's been sober since so we'll see. I have found that the thought of moving out or, more likely, having him move out doesn't fill me with terror anymore. Only sorrow.