IonMan
05-05-2003, 11:42 PM
Words of wisdom?
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she won't be an old nag.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she won't be an old nag.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
Sponsor
IonMan
05-05-2003, 11:43 PM
Points to ponder
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check 3 friends, and if they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you put them to where you can't find them.
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check 3 friends, and if they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you put them to where you can't find them.
IonMan
05-05-2003, 11:44 PM
BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE
BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football
BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl
BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration
BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end
BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football
BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl
BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration
BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end
IonMan
05-05-2003, 11:44 PM
Some helpful household hints and simple rules
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6.If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6.If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
PsychLea
05-06-2003, 01:58 AM
Very funny Cliff!!
My husband was even chuckling. Wait a minute.....
"Honey, he wasn't really serious about that sink thing http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif
Ooops, meds kicking in. Got to go and fall down the stairs.You take care. Thanks for the laughs.
------------------
God bless,
Lea
C4-5 noncompressive disc displacement
C5-6 compressive disc displacement
C6-7 broad based disc protrusion encroaching on the anterioposterior aspect of the spinal canal.
DDD
My husband was even chuckling. Wait a minute.....
"Honey, he wasn't really serious about that sink thing http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif
Ooops, meds kicking in. Got to go and fall down the stairs.You take care. Thanks for the laughs.
------------------
God bless,
Lea
C4-5 noncompressive disc displacement
C5-6 compressive disc displacement
C6-7 broad based disc protrusion encroaching on the anterioposterior aspect of the spinal canal.
DDD
joprud
05-06-2003, 03:02 AM
Hey Cliff,
Thanks...I needed a smile...I think more than these jokes (although quite humorous), it’s your spirit that makes me smile...I love that you have, from the start, thrown these posts in to help cheer everyone up even though you’re going through some rough times of your own...you’re so sweet...I know...guys hate being called sweet...what’s a better... more manly man...word for it? ...Anyhoo...thanks again...I’m having one of those....”I’m so tired of being in pain”...kinda days...everything hurts...back...neck...arms...legs...and just for some added fun one of those crappy spinal headaches ...you know...the ones where every time ya move the wrong way it takes the headache from reeeally annoying to ....dang...I think my head’s gonna explode... :( ....Do ya think that hitting yourself with a hammer thing would work on this as well...or is that just for toothaches....hmmm....now where did I put that silver hammer? ;)
I’d best try to get some sleep...
Keep Smilin’ (and please...continue to keep us smiling with your sweet spirit...sorry...you’ll just have to give me a better word ;) )
Joanne :wave:
Thanks...I needed a smile...I think more than these jokes (although quite humorous), it’s your spirit that makes me smile...I love that you have, from the start, thrown these posts in to help cheer everyone up even though you’re going through some rough times of your own...you’re so sweet...I know...guys hate being called sweet...what’s a better... more manly man...word for it? ...Anyhoo...thanks again...I’m having one of those....”I’m so tired of being in pain”...kinda days...everything hurts...back...neck...arms...legs...and just for some added fun one of those crappy spinal headaches ...you know...the ones where every time ya move the wrong way it takes the headache from reeeally annoying to ....dang...I think my head’s gonna explode... :( ....Do ya think that hitting yourself with a hammer thing would work on this as well...or is that just for toothaches....hmmm....now where did I put that silver hammer? ;)
I’d best try to get some sleep...
Keep Smilin’ (and please...continue to keep us smiling with your sweet spirit...sorry...you’ll just have to give me a better word ;) )
Joanne :wave:
melanie dawn
05-06-2003, 12:17 PM
thanks for the laughs Cliff, they came just in time.
Sad but some of those had just too large a grain of truth!
I will have to share these with Jim when he gets home.
And Leah, no falling down stairs!!
Thanks again! :D :D :D Mel
Sad but some of those had just too large a grain of truth!
I will have to share these with Jim when he gets home.
And Leah, no falling down stairs!!
Thanks again! :D :D :D Mel
IonMan
05-06-2003, 06:49 PM
Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
IonMan
05-06-2003, 06:50 PM
A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
IonMan
05-06-2003, 06:51 PM
Guide for all women
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
IonMan
05-06-2003, 06:52 PM
The guide for all men
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
IonMan
05-06-2003, 06:53 PM
Drinking fault finder
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.