joprud
06-03-2003, 11:53 PM
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked your car.
Just Me :wave:
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked your car.
Just Me :wave:
Sponsor
magtize
06-04-2003, 12:15 AM
THANKS FOR THE :) :) :)
joprud
06-04-2003, 12:22 AM
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere".
What can I tell ya...I'm bored ;)
ME
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere".
What can I tell ya...I'm bored ;)
ME
Midge130
06-04-2003, 06:55 AM
Oh my gosh!! LOL! I love the Lawyers ones!!
Thanks,
Midge
Thanks,
Midge