My husband is a recovering crack addict, 9 months clean. He was getting better, I was getting worse. The more solid he seemed, the less I trusted anything about him. He says that I have a post-traumatic type anger. We went to a therapist but I walked out in anger, too hard to discuss something so personal, face to face with a stranger. I made a decision yesterday. Happiness is a choice, not a condition. I took a vow, made a promise and i mean to stick to it. This has been the MOST difficult time of my life but it WILL pass. If the love is there, the trust will come back in time. I would love to hear from someone who stuck it out and has no regrets.

Lucis
I hope someone responds with a positive answer.

My husband is addicted to crack too. He had 11 months clean till a week ago. Now we are back to day 6. He actually was on his way to an NA meeting (goes nearly everyday) kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and then made a wrong turn along the way and ended up at his dealer's house.

This will be my life if I stay with him...Clean time then out again...I can't do it anymore. Love is not enough. I became a raving lunatic today and decided that I must let this man, who I have been with for 22 years and raised kids with, GO. If I don't I will be the truly sick one.

If my husband cannot beat this drug then I believe no one can. Sooner or later all crack addicts use again.

Alanon has helped me but it cannot take away the reality or stop my pain. It can help you deal with it and accept it.

Sorry to be such a downer. I truly hope your reality is better than mine and that somehow you find a happy ending.

Geneva,

Jesus, I am so truly sorry for you. Now I know why you haven't posted for 6 days.

Lucis

[Please do not post telephone numbers or other personal contact details here.....Thanks, mod3]

[This message has been edited by moderator3 (edited 08-28-2002).]

OK - If you have to cut bait (yow! 22 years!) and go your own way remember one thing: Even though it is going to hurt like crazy and be an ugly and unadulterated mess thigs CAN be OK. Both for you AND him. I mean, sometimes the ticket we get to a new life is paid for with pain. Same for our loved ones.

Your heart knows what to do. If you mind needs a little time to catch up then so be it.

Good luck

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Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.

Sorry I just need to vent...

My husband "went out" again yesterday.

Blamed me!!! Said my desire to take over all the money was selfish and unrealistic and he would just show me! What? Now the bank account is 0...and just exactly what is he showing me? That "duh" I had better take over the finances or that he simply is totally nuts.

My biggest fear is that he will seizure or have a heart attack. I am sure the people he uses with would not call for help but would just dump his body..I freaked out about that and thought for sure he was dead somewhere. The pain, the fear, the not knowing I am going crazy. The man is not young..56..
started at 53. Can you believe this midlife crisis? Couldn't he have just bought a red corvette?

He was such a good man...honest the best. And now I just don't know him...he lies...lies and lies...

Is anyone trying to come up with something that will cure the cravings? Are there researchers working on this? Surely there would be money in it for someone to come up with an answer.

Is it totally hopeless...I know the answer. I knew it the day he told me is was using...Hopeless YES...he loves the stuff...Euphoria he said...who wants to give that up?

I keep saying I can't take it anyomore and I want out..Why am I still here...why can't I just stop loving the jerk and move on..

Thanks for letting me vent

Geneva

Lucis i feel for u i can only pray things get better plese please and this is TOO ALL addicts and thier families please pray to God he will help trust me please..

also Geenvea ur right theres no subsitute for crack nuthing out there for the cravinsg except acupuncture have u told ur husband to try acupucnture it does work for some

Humble Man

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"So complicated it is to escape fate that you can never understand what im going through till we trade places...." - 2pac shakur

Geneva,

Please please leave your husband. If he is blaming you for a situation HE CREATED and HE HANDED TO YOU then screw him. Change the locks. Next time he is 'sick' from post-relapse and needs to sleep he can sleep in the street. Turn your back on him. He can't bring you happiness and he gets his from a pipe or can. Maybe you can bring yourself some small amount of happiness and build on it in the months to come. The situation you are in is INSANE and you have to choose yourself over him. Everytime he chooses to use he is putting you 2nd or 48th or whatever. Somebody has to love you, somebody has to respect you. Let it be you.

I posted my cell phone number but a moderator took deleted it. I want you to know that you have someone you can talk to. Any ideas?

After 2 years of my husband's addiction/recovery, it still colours EVERYTHING between us (even after 9 months clean). We sleep on opposite sides of the bed, as much space between us as possible with our backs to each other. I doubt so much of the stuff I used to believe in. It's so hard to rebuild and I know he thinks I'm not trying. It makes me so mad because his garbage turned me into a paranoid and depressed person. I don't do unhappiness well and I have to get better in the context of my marriage or cut ties. Do you have any idea how painful it is to write that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything but I'm lost in pain and doubt. Maybe I should try crack once just so I can escape for a while. The only time i felt worry-free recently was 1 month ago when I got drunk for the 2nd time in my life.

I know I can't do another round of it, Geneva. If it happens again, I will get back at him. Geneva, please do something to help yourself, not him. You say your account is at 0 (I've been there). How are you going to get by for the next while?

Some of the pain you feel is guilt. If you leave him you are not the "good wife". I KNOW you love him but you have to love yourself more. The guilt is his for pissing away the love of a good woman.

Lucis

Lucius and Geneva. I feel for ya girls. I just don't understand crack. I had scores of employees over the years. I've seen it all; alcohol, canibas, cocaine, prozac, effexor. I've also seen them kick those awful mind altering substances, except for one. Crack. I've never seen anyone kick it long term. I'm sure there are those that have, some even post on this board, but I've just never seen anyone do it personally. It is indeed of the devil himself.

Most amazing thing is that it takes normal, sane and rational human beings and changes them completely. I just don't understand how it can happen.

That being said: Look at the signature line for "Humbleman". That may say it all.

Best of luck to both of you.



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Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.

Oh - One more thing: No one can tell at this point if your husbands will get better or not. Only time can tell that. One thing is for sure, however, only you can control if you get better.

If YOU want to get better and try to work your way out of the hole you are in then there is help out there. Try Al-Anon. Don't just go to one meeting. Go to six meetings. Try different meetings if you have a multiple number available to you. It can provide you with some relief and a good path for the future regardless of what hapens with your men.

Good luck.

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Hi everyone,
I am one of those people who, just for today, have gotten over my crack addiction. I have almost 3 years clean this time and I just wanted to tell you all that it can be done. It has taken and continues to take hard work. My family and my friends had to turn their backs on me, and for awile I had to live in the streets, now I'm a very educated person who is capable of making a good salary....But, I chose to live in the streets, like an animal, all so I could go smoke some more crack. I love my significant other now , because he helped me save my life, one of the last times that I got high, he caught me and called the police on me. So I went to jail for a few hours, but It was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me. The lies and bullsugar excuses will keep on, if you allow it. Don't let him take u down. Enabling will only make things worse, trust me from some one who has been there. I'm very happy now that I'm clean and everytime a bad thought comes my way I have to remember what hell was really like. Then I become greatful for everyone who let go of me and let me face my consequences.

My ex husband and I were both addicted. This was 14 years ago. I got clean, he would not, and I could not live with that. After declaring bankruptcy, and loosing everything I owned I divorced him. It was the best move I ever made. I am still clean 14 years later, and he went through another divorce and numerous jobs before he finally (he says) became clean. You cannot change a person or make them stop. Only they can do this. You have a choice, live with it or move on. I chose to move on and have never regretted that choice. I hope you do what is right for you and I wish you joy and happiness in your decision.

Geneva,

Are you still out there? I think about you a lot. If you're like me you surf in to this website a lot, looking for anything useful. I haven't heard from you since your husband relapsed, and I've been there too. Recently. Are you still together? We are. I'm seeing a therapist. I think my husband and I are in big trouble. I can feel that my faith/hope and feelings for him are changing. Feeling A LOT of anger these days. Anger colours every day, I can only hold it back for a few hours at a time. Write back, Geneva.

Lucis

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

Well here I am ...Thanks Lucis for remembering me.
What is there to say....
It's the same old routine.
Again he is in a recovery program... Goes regularly.

We are trying to get this relationship back on track but it is truly broken. I have lost my respect and trust for him. What can a marriage be without that?

We have been together a long time and our lives are meshed but somehow I know I must leave. I am trying to hang in there till this next summer...Our youngest will be off to college and then it will truly be my turn.

Where are you at Lucis with this mess? Still hanging in there? My therapist basically counseled me to leave my husband. The slant was very obvious. You are much younger than me and so the consequences of leaving are very different for each of us. I feel that at 54 if I leave then I will be alone forever. But you know I am alone now with him. I feel real peace many times when he is gone. I can have a life with myself and my friends...I should work on that...

Anyway I hope everyone is trying to do the right thing...

Geneva,

My shrink said that I'm clinically depressed for the first time in my life. I only feel happy for a few hours at a time, I cry a lot and I suspect everything about him and us. I know that in my own way I'm shutting down the relationship but the part of me that loves him and doesn't want to be without him is crying out. The result is anger, tension, resentment. I keep toying with the idea of doing something that will end it for good. I stopped believing in the "disease". It's an easy excuse. Life is all about choices. I still choose to be with him but not for much longer and not unless the madness ends. I've made my position as clear as possible. He won't believe it and I won't believe it until it's done and I'm gone.

Lucis...
Sorry to hear that things are not going the way you hoped.

I truly believe I understand your fear and rage.
My husband's addiction to this stuff has made ME a crazy person. I could pass for the addict. I don't act normal or happy, and cry way too much.

Alanon has helped me but there are days I even resent having to go to the meetings! It helps though so I would reccomend them.

I have tried to learn as much as I can about this drug...I have decided that death to a dealer is too lenient... A good site but kinda depressing is
crackreality . com. Check it out. You will see that sadly we are not alone..

Anyway take care of yourself. As the song goes "I will survive" sad thing is our husbands may not...

Geneva

hi guys,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to see anybody have to go through what you all are. I used to be addicted to crack, and I stopped. So, I know it can be done if a person really truely wants it to happen. but it is so hard. I know that for me, it took leaving town and everybody that I knew. but while I was using, nobody that loved/cared about me mattered anymore. only my using "friends"
the world was wrong and we were right. My husband stuck by me, through it all..how he did that I'll never know. I was terrible. But now that I am back to being me, I thank God for him and his continuing love and support. I am not saying that you should stay or not..that's your decision, and everybody's issues are different. Just mostly wanted to say that I am praying for you all, and that yes..crack can be stopped. I'm living proof!!

May I ask how long you were using? and
How long have you been off crack?

My husband said he quit many times...and even did once for 11 months..now we are back to day maybe 35..
During that 11 months he swore all was better...he would never do it again...etc etc.

I hope you never go back and that you live your life clean and sober...I don't see that for my husband..it will be continual relapses..off and on till one day it kills him...

Stay safe

hi Geneva,

I've been clean of that junk for over 3 years now, and I used it for about a year.
I sure wish that your husband could see what he has in you...your love and support and caring enough to stay as long as you have. if not for the crack he'd know.
Sometimes people just are unwilling..not unable..to get that out of their life.
What ever you do, YOU take care of yourself first. You can't make him quit..he has to want it more than he wants anything else. crack isn't something that you can play with..myself, I know that if I were around that lifestyle, and around crack, I'd go right back to it. I stay away from it like it's the plague..and it is.

Geneva,

On Friday I'm supposed to pick up a prescription for Zoloft to deal with my sadness. Can you imagine the irony? I need a drug to start feeling better. Sometimes I'm optimistic, sometimes not. My choice is still to be with him but crack WILL NOT be a part of my life 4ever.

Lucis

Lucis
How are you?
Geneva

Geneva,

In my own life, I'm doing well. I just got a promotion at work (so did my husband). There continues to be tension at home. Everything is extreme. Extreme anger, extreme devotion, extreme remorse, extreme resentment, extreme paranoia, regret, mistrust, hope, faith etc. I really, really need some serenity. I'm thinking of giving my shrink the boot. I couldn't take the zoloft because I'm still breastfeeding and I don't think that the counselling bit works for me. It's one day at a time. I love him, Geneva, but I don't trust him and I don't have faith in our future together. Now it's up to him. He will choose to rebuild the faith and trust or live without his wile and the life he knows now. I WILL NEVER LET CRACK BE A PART OF MY LIFE AGAIN.

Renee

Hi, I just read your post. I want you to click on crack kills dreams post and read what I answered to that post. I feel like what my family and I have been through on this subject I could write a book! Please read my response that I had for the crack kills dreams post. Hopefully this will help you..Good Luck and God Bless You..