I have a father that is a drunk.

Going on a 15 year cycle that will not end.
He has managed to lose all family, friends, his business and most of all himself.
Here is the funny part. I am married to an alcoholic who has been sober for 13 years. I know all about this disease-I also have a mother and a stepfather with many years sobriety. Everyone got sober became heavily invloved with AA, everyone that is but Dad.
It's more than that. He is in my home b/c he has no where else to go. He is sober and going back to AA this week for the millionth time. Hates me for it and hates the court for ordering it. He is on probation for breaking into a family members house. Of course he stole 17,000 while there. I have committed him atleast 5 times through the years and when he wasn't in a treatment center he was in the county jail or state prison.
I am convinced that this is more than him being an alcoholic. He is mentally ill. Clinally depressed. In order to get him the help he truly needs, it seems I have to sacrafice my life to do it. I know all about enabling but maybe not enough. That seems to be my problem. He showed up last week at our local bus station freshly released from a stint in jail for breaking probation. He of course was sober with no money, no ID, no nothing. Begged me to come get him that he wanted help. I did just that. Took the day off from work and searched high and low for help. He didn't need detox but a place that he could go for a more indepth recovery. It's atleast 8 weeks for a bed to come open. With my husbands blessing, it was decided that he stay here until that happens. So, now he sleeps all day and whines about everything while awake. He disgusts me. I spent all of my childhood puttin gup with him and had no choices now I've spent my whole adult trying to make something of myself and to get away from him. Now, I am the only person that he can call family and I am torn between leaving him on a street to die or taking yet another shot of saving his life. Even with 18 month sobriety, he can't function on his own. I have to make him bathe, eat, dress. I get him back on his feet, send him out into the world and he slips. It never fails. What do you do when someone like this has no choices and begs you again for help? Do you help him or close the door for the final time. He is an old man. I think I feel older than dirt myself.
I am going to Al-Anon. But still feel hopeless-
GG

Oh Gracie, You certainly have an emotional delimma on you hands. Obviously, your conscious plays a big part in your decision-making processes. If you force him out of your home and something tragic happens to him; you'll never be able to forgive yourself, even tho you would have nothing to forgive yourself for. But that is easier said than done.
Being an ongoing alcoholic myself, I can tell you that the AA 12-step program is not for everyone and only gives the alcoholic cause to drink even more. The AA'ers can make you feel less than human if you can't seem to work the program.
Your father, nor anyone for that matter, wouldn't wish this on his/her worse enemy, much less themselves; but the need to feed the craving is as strong as the need to eat each day. I am buying the book, "Seven Days to Sobriety", it offers an alternate answer to battling this addiction via the daily use of particular vitamins/minerals. It also has a list of foods to stay away from as well as what you should eat. I've been to Amazon and read the reviews from others who have used the book for their own treatment and the reviews are excellent. I am praying that this will be the thing that will help my body get over the need to drink and maybe it is something that you might want to try also.
Whatever ever you do; don't allow your father to come between you and your chosen family...don't let your guilt or feelings of obligation force you to keep coming to his rescue if he doesn't do as you tell him. He is under YOUR roof and you must force him to comply with YOUR rules. You are, in affect, his parent now; be the authorative figure and don't let him manipulate your resolve and especially your heart. Al-anon is a wonderful support group; but it may not be enough for you... hard to tell. But look for other alternative resolutions than the beaten path.
Your mental-emotional health is being compromised by your father. If you become consumed with your father and his behaviour; your family will suffer along with you. Don't let this happen. Make sure that you and your chosen family come first. Bless your heart for loving your father; but don't let him become your downfall.
I wish you well and I hope you will let us know how things progress for you.

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Gina

Hi Gina-

Thank you so much for your support!
I understand what you are saying concerning AA-
It does work for some and not others. I have been blessed to have 3 people in my life that chose this route and it saved their life. It doesn't work so well for my Dad. He does take everything that is said to him as a personal blow and comes home saying people doen't understand. He of course is different he thinks, not like everyone in AA. Boy, that pride will truly kill you.
On the other hand, he has not given it a chance- I have been to many, many meeting with him. He just stares at the floor, tunes out and never shares. I know enough about AA that in a lot of cases you should get your mind off self and help others. He is in a constant state of self pity. I just pray that this time around, he will give it his best shot.
Also, I do know that if he chooses to die, I am not to blame. My husband and I put our first year of marriage on hold to be his parents. We did nothing but devote our lives to saving his the first year. Just out of the blue after 11 months of sobriety, I came home from work and he was passed out on the floor. I asked him later-WHY??? He said, I was bored and lonely. I kicked him out and he slept on the streets for 3 months-then county jail and now here we go again..
There is not one person in our family including my own mother and stepfather that have not gone the extra mile to help him. Everything from cigs to fully furnished apartments, vehicles, as well as working in a family business. It is never enough and he always blows it. Gina, I know this is a disease. That is WHY I continue to help. But, still, I never know when to draw the line. My marriage is the priority. Without the support of my husband- this would never happen. But enough is enough, my husband has so much compassion b/c he has been there himself! T
hough I say, he needs Alanon as much as I do now.

Thanks again-
GG

GG,
As long as he knows he can find his rescuer (you)... there is no incentive for him to get it together. I know it would be very hard to turn him away but you have given him more than he deserves... stop.

Take back YOUR life and force him to do something with what is left of his.

From what I have read of you, this is really taking a toll and it really is too much. Draw the line girl.

Bless your heart, I understand the pain in doing what I am suggesting; you shouldn't have to be his rug to step on.



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Gina

Gina-

He is leaving in 2 weeks for treatment. Praise God.
I have set rules on how things will be for the next 2 weeks. I have made sure that there is help available to assist with AA, housing, all of his basic needs.
It's up to him. I am going to Al-Anon tonight and whenever else I might can go this week.

Thanks-
GG

That's great! Let's just hope he will be willing to turn himself around. Being elderly, he may feel like: "what's the use"?... Make sure he knows how important it is for him to clean up... How important it is to you to have your real father back again.
Give him all the love and encouragement you can and you never know... something you say could get through to him.
Thank you for letting me know. I'm really happy for YOU!!! (and your family)

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Gina