Dear Members: Before I start...I am 42 and during my adoleslet years the bee gees were in stlye or invogue...whatever???

I remember asking myself way back then as the song would go...ho do you mend a broken man, how can you you start to live again?....Please tell me how to mend this broken heart?....and let me live again.

My point is pain...intractable, phycological, whatever pain that invades our hearts, our perverbial hearts is or can be a powerful thing. It sure has in my life.

I seek no sympathy. We all have problems. Some worse than others. I just search my soul to understand how for example have a father that I have had no contact with in over 4 years...and the years before that was disturbing.

Probably because my mother left him and he had no capacity to be a father. O)r maybe I make excuses for his disrespect. I love my father and family because I feel that famalies are the basis of stability.

After many years of counceling, I have been told that I am hurting myself by allowing my hopes that I will have a normal family will never happen. The weird part is I know that it's true.

But how do I pretend I have no parents when I do. I have tried and tried. We all live in diffent states and it bothers me that my family never calls me even though they have been given notice I am dying.

I will not share why I am dying except it is mostly thru no fault and then partly my reckless ingestion of tylenol...which I found out poisons the liver and kidneys.

I suppose I am venting. I appreciate you all allowing me to cry, to allow my body weep. I am truly saddened by this. Yet, I know there are many who are worse and have silmilar situations. Please pardon my post if I have by some chance offended anyone.

Its a simple question but the hardest answer for me. How can your blood family not love you or even worse pretend you do not exist. If some out there has any answers, I would be grateful.

Blessings to all,

Risky Business

PS-- For those who may wonder and be Christians, I do acknowledge God as my heavenly father and relish the fact that I believe in a higher power...Namely God. I also respect all religions.

[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-09-2003).]

Risky,
I too am 42 and I also lost the family "unit". It was hard for me to accept. My father left in 1973 and I didn't see him again until 1988. I do understand your heartache... we all wish our parents could have stayed together.

Why do you feel like you have to pretend you have no parents? You have parents...we all do; their togetherness has nothing to do with us as their children.

I gave birth to my second child in 1998 and my father has yet to acknowledge him (or me). It does hurt; it hurts deeply.

I have learned to take on this as my reasoning of people and my psycho philosophy: You either love me or you don't... I am what I am and I cannot be your imagined version of what you think I should be.

Darlin' I don't know what you are going through but I do understand the pain of losing family members. My older sister just never accepted me for me. She stopped talking to me in 1995 because I brought coffee and the equipment and anything you could want in your coffee to my grandmother's dying hospital room. We (my family) were there 24 hours a day in shifts so that she would not die alone. For some reason; my sister hated me since then because I brought coffee... go figure...

You can't look for answers as to why the people who should love you unconditionally...don't. I have always been the one of the four children in my family to come to the aid/rescue of my mother... she could never count on the others...never. Yet they are the ones that she has unconditional love for... it makes no sense to me... in fact it hurts like hell. But what do I do?

I can't change people... I can only change me and my thoughts and my feelings.

I wish I could figure out how to say something that could comfort you; but I don't think I have succeeded or even could. But know this: there is a stranger out here in cyberland that understands and cares about you... she really does.

And... I wouldn't care if your pain was the most minimal out there...it is still something that hurts and you have a right to your feelings. Don't apologize for them.

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Gina

Thank You Dearest Gina: I will always appreciate your kindness and words, Risky Business

Hi there!
I think that people cut off from their family members when they themselves are hurting. They can't face dealing with their own problems and perhaps having contact with you, brings up many issues for them that they are too scared to face.
I was just talking about something similar with a friend of mine. She is a recovering alcoholic and some of her family won't talk to her even though she has written letters of apology to them. She was deeply hurt by this as she is a person like anyone else but the years of pain and anger have made her family build up walls too high for her to climb. Being the problem in the family meant everything got dumped on her - same with my own boyfriend - a lot of which has nothing to do with them at all. Being angry with someone else, especially when they accept the anger as being justified like an alcoholic tends to do when remorsefully sober, shields the individual from looking at their own problems.
This friend later said that her brother had a son who has been arrested for possession of drugs, so for this brother to forgive her and show understanding and compassion, means also he has to look at his own behaviour with his son.
People are very complex - don't take on their hurt and anger as something you should feel guilty for. It is probably a lot more to do with themselves than with you, even if they don't realise this. With time, perhaps they will.
I have decided, as far as my father is concerned, I am going to leave my walls built! He drank up until 3-4 years ago (he's now 63) and now "drops" into my life with a christmas present or two. He was never interested in me as a child when I needed him and doesn't accept responsibility for this. He still turns all blame on my mother (who was left to raise 5 children without his help). The reason I don't want any relationship is because I don't feel, it would bring me much. He is very selfish, even now, and still full of anger and resentment towards my mother.
I hope this helps you understand more about why your family may not want contact. We all have our own problems that we must deal with. It is hurtful to lose someone you love but sometimes it is necessary for your own health and happiness to let go. Not everyone wants to grow.

Aideen: Yes, I do understand why some of us may face very painful circumstances. Also, just by reading your posts, I feel we have some things in common.

Yet, I do appreciate your kind support and help. I never had the privilrgr of haing even an occassional Christmas solicitation.

I surely do mean that you have or do not hurt as bad as I. Some of us have traveled roads that may never be traveled by many. Fellowship has it's privileges and heartaches.

The short time I have been on this board, I have found friends that are friends without identity. That's ok. The spirit we have will bring our yearning hearts and support together.

Of course I just speak from former experiences. Genuine is the hearts that know each other by anonymity. I appreciate all of you.

May you all be blessed and be strong as we try to overcome. Thanks all, Risky Business

[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-10-2003).]

I really wish identities didn't have to be hidden. There are some of you (RB included) that I would really enjoy getting to know outside of these boards. But... they makadarules... not me. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

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Gina

Risky Business,

My heart goes out to you. See my problems are with someone else and not myself. I wish ther was something good that I could say to help you. The only things that come to my mind are these quotes from my 96 year old grandfather. "You are the only person that can make your life better", "If you think the grass is greener on the other side, then all you need to do is try to water yours and maybe it will be greener", and last he always told me to "take care of yourself because nobody can do a better job than you."

I hope to not offend you in any way with these quotes but I think of them everyday. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Take care,
nite_angel

[This message has been edited by nite_angel (edited 03-10-2003).]

Your Grandfather was obviously a wise man. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

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Gina

[This message has been edited by GinaLee (edited 03-10-2003).]

To all the members who share kind words: I sincerely appreciate your support. I also wish we could know each other...there are many wonderful souls on this board.

Thanks for lifting my spirits and lending an ear,

Risky Business

RB-
My heart goes out to you for your troubles. I hope that you see on this board that you are not alone, so many other people have similar pains.

Keep on posting here, hopefully it helps.

Dearest Risky..Your post brought me to tears I wish I could help you I really do. My 12 year old daughter is in the same situation with her father. We were together untill she was 4 years old he always threatend me that if I left him he would ditch her and he did. He cut her off for 5 years no visits no calls nothing untill she was 9. Then his father died suddenly and he had an attack of concience and saw her off and on for about a year but showed no concern or emotion. The he cut her off again and she has not seen him since Xmas 2001. How a parent can not love a child is totally baffling to me he pays support and has every month for 12 years but I have told him before I would give up the payments if he would just be a father. But of course that didnt work. I wont ask you why you are dying but I will tell you that I too injested alot of tylenol and am very worried about my liver. I was just dx with renal ptosis (floating kidney) though its not life threatening that I know of it is scary all the same. And needing pain meds for quality of life isnt making me happy either. Like I said I would love to be a friend and listen and help when I can I know this board will have to do for now but support and friendships have a way of working themselves out. Take care my friend and write soon.
Autumn Angel
Female 42
TMJD 12 years
Multiple ovarain cysts
Renal Ptosis
Anxiety ( cured I hope )
Many surgerys
21 year old daughter with Mullerian Aplasia
18 year old daughter Bulimia survivor

Wonderful Members: I must say something at this point which is very great!! I feel a bonding between several of you and that means the world to me and my personality.

Thanks Again all of you who have madee me feel very welcome. I just need you to know how much it means. I will keep in touch, Sincerely,

Risky Business

Anytime you need a friend just yell http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Autumn