If each of you could say one thing to someone you loved that is addicted to alcohol (or other substance) that would just be as blatant (maybe even cruel) and "no holds barred" to try to get him or her to wake up and do something about their addiction...what would it be?
I suppose most of you would find it very difficult to just say what you wanted to say due to the love you have for the addicted person... you know? But since you aren't having to worry about the backlash of such a statement in this forum...I would like to read the toughest eye-opening words that you either have said or wish you could say. Pour your heart out and don't hold back.

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Gina

My husband became addicted to crack 4 years ago.

I have told him everything I felt...no holds barred...
I have screamed, hit him, broken things, flushed his wedding ring down the toilet and smashed mine...I have sprayed painted our bedroom walls with obscenties.....In other words I have acted like the one on drugs...I was acting crazy...And you know none of these things worked...It didn't make him stop...

If you are looking for the magic words they are none.. I had to take care of myself and I started going to ALanon...saved my sanity. Can't tell you how much it has helped me...And with me getting better it actually helped my husband...He has been clean for 7 months...If he uses again its on him...It's not my responsibility...I need to take care of myself and see that yes I would like a life with him but I will make it no matter what he does...

Hope you find what you are looking for...words don't work....action does...take care of yourself....

Thank You Geneva; I'm not looking for magic words; I'm looking for your heartfelt feelings on how it makes you feel dealing with the addicted individual.
I want to read how his/her addiction has affected you. It would mean a lot to me. It really would.

If you are the addicted person...I'd like to know what goes through your mind during your "high" and the resolutions you make to yourself...and the resolves that don't come through for you. What makes you continue the alcohol..the drug..etc.?

I need insight and understanding from both sides of addiction. Please contribute your thoughts.

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Gina

[This message has been edited by GinaLee (edited 03-06-2003).]

An addict takes drugs to escape. Thats why anything you say to an addict has no effect. If an alcoholic feels threatened or nervous he just has another beer and all his anxiety goes away.

Dear members and Ginalee: The only words I could express is words that could or did work for myself. Basically, by saying "I Love You" unconditionally, will sometimes let the one you love break any walls.

By that....I mean that if in some cases...you are able to break the barriers...then you can communicate without any dissention or perceived notions.

When this happens, then there seems to be a greater chance that your message that your message can be understood. I hope these are words of wisdom and they come from experiences.

I wish you the very best and hopefully others can give you good advice also. Good luck and may you have great strength,

Risky Business

I know words won't do the "trick"... I do understand that. I am not asking for advice... I'm asking how you feel...what you wish you could say...the pain that the addicted person has brought you.

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Gina

Hi- about 17 yrs ago I was involved with a man who drank like a fish, smoked dope like it was going out of style and used the nose candy. All of our damn money went up his nose. he would steal my money to steal a buy for someone else yet to steal or big time cut thier stuff with vit.b powder. I watched him get his ass kicked. I have seen the after math of one of his drunk driving nights. I hated that we had no money. I hated that he made me feel like I was dreaming all of this. He beat me. I have scars still. I hate what he made me become for years after that a very bitter untrusting person. 2 times he made me feel so low that I tried to take my own life. I knew that if I just upped and left he would find me as he always did. So to me at the time I felt the best thing to do was end it all. I hated him. I still do. I was told about 15yrs ago he has tested HIV+ from shooting up. I of course have been tested 3 times - each and of course before each child I have had. But I do not feel sorry fo him one bit. he put so many people thruough so many things. He brought this on himself. I hate the man. And that is a strong word! but its true. to be made feel so useless and horrible becuase of someone elses weakness is not right. My father drank also but never was he like this man was. The drugs took over this guys brain and the rest of his body! I married a wondeful man but it took a year to be able to trust him. I am very lucky now. I think I told you how I felt but if you did not get it I felt used, useless, hurt, pain like no other, hateful towards the world.
and I am sure there is more but to think about it right now makes me want to puke. oh theres another sick to my stomach that I was that much of a fool that someone could still affect me in that way after all these years. Oh as for what I would say to him here it goes " we had a good thing going. You took and you blew it, drank it, smoked it, snorted it shot itup and for what. I was good to you. Didn't I come pick you up when you needed a ride becuase so & so would not give you your keys. Didn't my mom & dad take you in when you lost all of our money? Do you know what a waste case you were and most likely still are becuase you have no control. You were once a great football player a great construction worker. the best in the area. what are you the best at now??? what do you have to show for you 30 some years. Do you feel your life has been worth it. Did you nejoy the smacking me around throwing tables at me??? Forceing me to do things I did not want to do. Well I am 17 years stronger now I have a family!!!. A good one what do you have besides you illness. So once again was it worth it? Does mommie still baby you?????"

Funny thing is I would really like to know how he is doing and talk with him. I would puke on his shoes but hey just to say "Look at me NOw" I have it all honey!!!!

sorry so long!

De Lou,
That was a emotionally powerful message you wrote. Thank you for posting. I am beyond happy for you that you have been able to move on from this man. Wow! I'm in awe!
I went thru a similar relationship for 5 years but he didn't abuse any substance...he just abused me...verbally. No physical scars to photograph. When I finally made my break from him I finally was able to understand why I was so drained of emotion and spirit. After two years of being away from him I still am trying to find my way back to the person I was before. I wonder if I ever will.
Thank you again for responding.


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Gina

Hi Gina
I've posted a lot about myself and my boyfriend's addictions - he's an alcoholic. He is now 5 weeks sober after we didn't see each other for 3 months. We have only met up with each other last weekend for the first time again and it was lovely for both of us.I broke off with him, telling him that I couldn't be with him while he drinks but he has always known, that I want what's best for him too.
I don't think it's the words that make much difference as they mean nothing if they are not followed up with actions. The fact that I was strong enough and felt strong enough not to contact my boyfriend over Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day showed my boyfriend that I meant what I said. He was also given space to deal with his own problems on his own without feeling bad about what he was doing to me.
I have always been able to separate who my boyfriend is inside and what the drink makes him become and so have always loved him. He has found this harder to do!
I believe that through our love for each other, we have been able to get this far.
Yes, I am still nervous about whether it will last but so is he. We both know,it is so easy to pick up that first drink again. I know that he wants to quit his old lifestyle and is doing his best - that is all I need for now.
I have also learned to look after myself and am aware that I too must not become "addicted" to being with him again. I think, the first few months will be the hardest as we will be learning a new way to be together.
Hope this gives you some insight....from the other side.

Aideen,
It takes a lot of strength and courage to let go of someone you love. But you did it and for all the right reasons.
Tread carefully but try not to "look" for him to fail. His chances of relapsing are high...but certainly not absolute. If he does fail; you should take YOU into consideration over him. Decide if you can continue on or whether you should cut your losses. You could be in for a bumpy ride... (I am alcoholic...and I know how hard it is to stay sober) He has to be doing this for himself and no one else.
I don't mean to be such a "downer"... but it is hugely troublesome having to deal with the emotions of a recovering alcoholic... there is so much at risk.
In any case, I really wish you the best of luck and good health for both of you.

Oh and I too can definitely understand being "addicted" to a loved one... it can be very devastating when expectations/hopes/dreams are not realized.
I truly appreciate your response and look forward to hearing about how WELL things are going for you and your loved one. Posting about recovery is very inspiring for those still fighting to quit.


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Gina

Dear Gina, there's not a whole lot you can say to someone who is using drugs or alcohol or both. It's a lost cause. Prayer was what changed me. People prayed that God would get a hold of me and convict me of my horrible conduct and way of life. Guess what? It worked! After a long haul I finally surrendered and gave up the fight to get high. It wasn't until every one had abandoned me and God shut every door that I was able to feel the impact of my addiction. Sometimes God has to remove everything in our lives to get our attention. Sometimes he has to remove all the noise and all the jabbering people so that we can just be still and know that he is God. Jail is good for that. After I did three years in prison I stayed straight for another five years.
You have to see the cost before it becomes worth it to quit. Once I saw that my freedom was jeopardized I said enough is enough. Once I saw that I was laying on my back and having filthy men enter me I knew it was time to stop the insanity.
I don't know what price your friend is willing to pay before he stops. Some would rather die. This is why prayer is the only answer. God wishes that none would perish. We need to pray and intercede for those that we love who are bound by addiction. Words are futile unless they are the promises of God.

Ana, my post was not for my "friend" it was for me and it has just not come across in the way I had orignally hoped. I wanted the words written that spoke directly to the pain of the loving individual dealing with the alcoholic. At the time I made this post; I hadn't revealed that I was an alocoholic on this board. In a way; I was "using" this to hopefully bring me out of my need for beer. I pretty much knew that it might not do me the good that I'd hoped for..but I had to ask.
I do believe in the power of prayer and I welcome and would appreciate any prayer's to Him on my behalf. Thank you lovely lady.

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Gina

Dear Gina, thanks for clearing that up and I hope I haven't offended you.

As we heal the sting from our shame will disappear. I will be happy to pray for you and I hope that you make it.

Of course you haven't offended me! I hope I'll make it too.

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Gina

Gina Lee: I just wanted to say that I truly hope for the best in that situation. It seems sometimes that it takes lightening striking for some or a life-changing event.

That's why I had suggested when all else fails say "I love you" and though that probably will not work...in my opinion it sometimes helps some to realize there's someone who truly cares.

I realize it may take an act of God, or a near death eperinece for some. We are all different. I just think you are a caring person and I gave you my opinion.

Myself included, it's very sad that it takes hitting rock bottom, losing everything, or even worse to wake up and smell the roses. Life is surprising and we never know sometimes.

Thanks for the post and to all the members,

Risky Business