This is a "double-post". This is the same post as my response to Blueskies "hydrocodone" topic. I am making this a new topic because I just feel that maybe it would benefit... or maybe make some of you think.

Risky,
I am trying so hard to piece all of the information you have given us to formulate an answer that I would hope is right for you.
I believe you when you say you are in pain. I also see that you have a subconscious difficulty with using the meds to ease your pain. Why?

I'm not a big fan of pain meds...I take them until I don't need them anymore in any given situation…except for time in my life:

I had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy in 1986; it was devastating emotionally to say the least. My emotional pain was so intense that my physical pain was over-exaggerated. I took the pain meds because they were helpful in keeping me asleep most of the time. It helped me to escape from the emotions of losing my would-be first born. The side-effects became a nightmare…mostly the constipation that followed the high dosage. It took me two weeks longer than it should have in my recovery from the surgery…and even longer to get my bowel-cycle back in regular intervals. The pain of THAT was way worse than the pain of the incision.

I learned my lesson on that one big time. Since then, I have had two caesarian sections and two back surgeries; I was hugely frugal with what I would allow for pain. I couldn’t stand the thought of going through the added pain that I brought on myself with the ectopic surgery.

I am eligible for pain meds now for my ongoing nerve damage but I have refused them. The intense painful times that I go through are intermittent and short-lived. I am so used to the normal ongoing pain that is always there, that I hardly even notice it anymore (I can’t believe I just said that!). The intermittent pain, however, is at best debilitating but I don’t see the need to medicate those episodes. I am more interested in finding my way to the source of the pain than to just medicate it.

Risky, I want so much to really understand what you are going through. It definitely does not smack of “quality” living. How much of it is self-induced? Go deep inside and find your answers and then act on them--- screw the missing family --- do this for you and find out what it will take to bring you back home to you.

Miss Drunk here has received the two books I just ordered a few daze ago! Oh man! I wasn’t expecting them until at least next weekend! But, they are here and I have promised myself I won’t ignore them. I WILL work on my recovery; damn it; I’m going to succeed too. I am going to die if I don’t.

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Gina

Thanks Gina: I can clear some of things up. It is strongly my belief that since I have not given a clear physical history of how my conditions affect me, that maybe some may believe I am trying to self-medicate for my emotional pain. I do not.

Please understand if possible that I know there is a huge difference as far as requiring pain meds based on emotional pain. It's very difficult for me to explain.....

Yet, what may be happening is I am leaving so many missing pieces of the puzzle of my life especially the physical pain diagnosis's that I am confusing you wonderful members.

I apologize for that and I lately sometimes have a very difficult time with words. I suppose you are so right Gina because I do feel somewhat quilty for taking meds. Why???

Several reasons. The stigma of what some perceive as addiction versus dependency. Next, I have always seemed to overcome adversity most my life but since some bad discs, bone spurs, torn rotator cuff, low back pain, plus several more things.....

I found I could not overcome those without medical help and meds. As for my family issues, I went to counseling for at least 5 years and have taken mostly xanax, and suprisingly I get very upset not depressed. I know that must sound odd. I guess I can say my BP goes sky high and I hyperventilate.

So....I think in short that because my physical health has deteriorated...to the point of being life threatening, I do mix feelings and those diturbing, very disturbing family things I probably will never overcome.

I frequently have night terrors and they are so real but the dreams are that my diturbing life was a dream and in them I have a normal family....so it's brings back all those feelings. I have prayed not to have those/these dreams.

Wow! No wonder you cannot understand. Who possibly could? I just re-read what I posted and it's a mess. I will post more if I do not offend anyone. Seems I have withdrawn from everything since all of my health problems---up until I joined this board. I need you all. So I am a sentimental person...I am not ashamed of that. Gina and others I appreciate you caring to be aware that I am a people person. Thanks.

That's why I searched and wish to be a part of this board or at least some members ....it's helps me in ways that I cannot explain. I do have everyone's best interst at heart. I am a good person.

I appreciate the honesty and helping me at this point in my life. I will keep in touch, Sincerely,

Risky Business



[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-15-2003).]

Ahhhh!!! Risky, that's why this board was invented. You've come so far. You have so much to give to us all and I am glad you are here.
You know what tho? I have yet to figure out if you are a man or a woman! My gut says you are female... but I really don't know!!!

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Gina

I am a 42 year old Man: Who has experienced a great youth with no health problems to be brought to my knees with the past few years.

I would like to say that there are several Risky Business online from what I have heard...some female some male.

Gina and others, I feel good about my looks(nobody may look good sick).I become stricken with illness as I have expressed.

There are so many good-natured, good hearted members on here. I wish I could post my pics and vice-versa. However, I do trust my instincts,

I love inqiring minds, don't we all?? LOL,

Risky Business

Well Risky!!!

Doesn't that revelation just take my gut instincts and toss them deep into the trash!

Given your name I had initial thoughts that you were a man...but you are so feeling and sentimental that I decided you had to be female. Nice to see the gentle side of a man for a change.

Don't you dare leave us! I'm sure you are just gorgeous... Hey, I ain't too bad myself! But it's you that has brought so many of us to care about you...sight unseen. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Also... #1Texan and I have formed our own little alliance known as texanvirginian, feel free to join us.

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Gina

[This message has been edited by GinaLee (edited 03-15-2003).]

Hi Risky - this is Dawn in New Hampshire, and I just wanted you to know how much I admire you. I read all your posts, and give them a great deal of thought. You, Gina, and #1 Texan have all made a positive impact on me due to your sage advice, and I thank you.

Risky, I too suffer chronic pain from Fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, thoracic lumbar strain, and arthritus. This is what led to my morphine addiction. Now that I see your chronic pain issues, I see more clearly why I gravitated to your posts without even knowing why.

I have to admit, however, that I'm really confused about the addiction vs. dependency issue. Initially, Open Season brought this issue to my attention, and several people including you have addressed it. I'd like to think I'm simply dependent like a diabetic, but I tend to doubt it. If I go just one day w/o meds, I feel physical withdrawal. I must say however, that the mental comes first. I obsess over it, then I feel lousy physically. So, I think I'm addicted, not dependent. No clue!!

Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute and thank you for your thought provoking posts. You three have really made me do some soul searching, and I needed it.

Take care, my new friends, and have a great week. If you wish to write to me personally, Gina has my address. Gina, if he wants it, please give it to him. If not, that's quite ok too.

Dawn

PS - Risky, could you please look at and answer the question I just posted to you in your "Quality of Life" post? I just re-read it, and wow! I didn't realize what you are going through on top of all the other things. God - I admire you all the more now. Anyway, I have a question posted for you there. Would really appreciate your best answer. Thanks - Dawn

[This message has been edited by Dawn in NH (edited 03-17-2003).]