HEY!
thanks chippie, gina, texan et al. well, i've screwed up again. when i talked to my husband this morning before work, i was in a really bad mood and basically he hung up on me. little background for the phone call. after work, went to another meeting, then to see hubby. of course cried the whole way there and on the way home. i have been shaking since yesterday afternoon, sweating, then getting chills, etc. he says he loves me & ross (our son) and wants to come home. i really want him to come home so we can get our lives back together. after i got home and put my child to bed, i sat up til 1-2 am. cant sleep, etc. really wanted and still want a beer even right now while i'm at work. called this girl from the meeting around 11. dumped out 3 beers and a j i found in drawer. i know it should make me feel better that i did all that but instead i feel worse. as soon as hubby answered the phone, i realized what an idiot i am. i cant tell him anything thats wrong with me. so instead i just got mad and stupidly reminded him of the gun in his truck. i'm not suicidal, just really depressed and alone. i don't know how to be supportive when i feel just as bad as he does. he does'nt seem to get it. neither do my parents and my inlaws haven't even talked to me. i guess most of this is totally my fault. i nagged too much and my uncontrollable drinking has ruined his life. not one person in our families has asked how i am through this whole thing.
gina, thanks for the codependant post. i guess i am. i hate this being out of control......

I can't imagine too many people enjoying being out of control. I was out of control all my life until I was able to finally understand why! My drinking is without doubt out of control... but my other actions are completely in control... and believe it or not; it began with the Codependent No More book. Until you read it... anything I really say won't make sense until you have read what I have. Go to the nearest book store after work and buy it. It isn't very expensive. Go the library and check it out. Just go get it. Once you see yourself written in those pages; so much of your life will begin to make sense to you. You can empower yourself to recognize the wrong turns and hopefully, like me, you will really get disgusted with your drinking and have a lot more desire to end that part of your life.
Don't expect too much of you too soon. You didn't get to this point in your life overnight. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you do on a daily basis and work to improve the areas of your thinking and your life that drag you down so horribly. Get the book. You won't be able to put it down! (make sure you remember the toddler during your reading!)

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Gina

Please, Please, get the book. I know how you feel! It willl help.

#1T

Thanks y'all.
feeling a little better right now. husband just called, they're releasing him tomorrow. he said he was sorry for jumping my a** this morning. yes, i will definately go get the book this afternoon. i have a dr appt at 4:00 (recheck bronchitis symptoms), then meeting, then go see DH (darling, dear husband:y'all guess well) LOL! i know we are gonna need family counseling and i probably should get back with my old psychiatrist for depression. even though, i've tried to get sober a couple of times before this is the most scared of failure i've ever been. (deep breath). gina, good luck this weekend(isn't it?). i wish i had some words of wisdom but seems like i'm on the same page as you.

Hey you! Take bunches of care of yourself!! To help detox your bod, take vitamin B complex supplements and also try Omega 3 Fatty fish oil and drink TONS of water. His asddiction is not your fault. GET IT??? That would be pretty amazing if one human could exercise that much control over another! YOUR addiction is yours, no one elses. Be ok. Ok?

thanks chippie!
in my brain, i KNOW none of this is my fault. emotionally, it feels like it is. i know this is a major hang up of mine that i need to work on. just got off the oxycodone thread (husbands drug of choice). very interesting. its funny, i dont have a problem recognizing my alcohol problem but can not comprehend painkillers. i guess different strokes for different folks.(((SMILE)))thanks for writing back. it's really hard for me to be at work. i'm not really close to anyone here except my friend who has gone throught the same thing with her family.

We are here for you. I am off and on all day.

Hi Lane -

Just out of curiousity, do you keep a journal? I find it helps. Whenever I feel like crap, I go back and read something from a day when I felt even worse, and I feel better - lol. Especially if you have no support in your house, you'll need to become your own best friend, and writing down your thoughts is a good way to start.

I read your opening post in this thread, and frankly, you don't give yourself enough credit. If I read it correctly, you didn't even mess up, right? Boy, I could never throw my pills out, fer sure!!

I realize you don't understand my pain pill addiction, but you do understand addiction period - and that's all you need to know. No matter what your drug/drink of choice is, all addiction s*cks!!

Hang in there friend - when you feel the need to vent, jump on here and do it. One of us is always on - Dawn

hi dawn,
just finally tried to eat for the first time in 2 days. didn't get too much down. ziti parmesano frozen lunch wasn't all that great. talked to my husand's counselor about 2 hours ago. we're supposed to get together tomorrow ( i think ) for a couple of hours. omg! major cramp in my back!!!!! ouch!!!! anyway, they're gonna release him tomorrow. i guess that night after our meeting.
i finally stopped sweating. i'm still a little queasy. could be from the 3 packs of cigs i've smoked since yesterday.
any ideas on what this shrink is gonna want to talk about?

oops, forgot i already said he's getting out. major brain farts all day! on the journal thing, no i don't. but i wrote a 6 pager to hubby last night. it was basically me freaking out ramble. i have however been advised to keep a journal to help with my perspective on things. sometimes i have noticed if you write down what's going on, feelings, etc. things don't seem as bad. i think i need to reevaluate my relationship with my parents. im an only child and kinda of am more friends with my mom than a daughter. she exacerbates everything with her well, this is what i'd do & if you don't you're an idiot attitude. my poor dad just stands by and doesn't say anything. that makes sense to me since his mom was an alcoholic and that is what ultimately killed her when i was 2. ok, im on a ramble fest. should have gotten on line last night but my computer monitor won't turn on. could have screwed it up the other night.

Lane, Number One: Ramble! Ramble until your fingers hurt!
Number Two: Definitely get the book! Stop working so hard to please people that can't be.
Number Three: I'm just like you on the addicted to drugs (pills) thing. I've never had a problem with it myself either; but then some of the pill addicts out there may not be able to understand my drinking problems. I think that's where the old adage:"Drug of Choice" began.
What it all boils down to is we all have some sort of vice that we use to comfort us that ultimately only wants to kill us. It's a no-win situation now matter how much we try to control it. It's either kick it to the curb or it will kick us to the curb.
My heavy duty vitamin regiment is "in da mail" I do hope it gets here soon so I can mentally prepare myself for what I must do. I know without a doubt that if it waits til Friday to arrive; I won't begin until next weekend. I want so much to lose this lousy need for gallons of beer but at the same time I'm fearing the loss.
Girl, I hope things go well for you and your DH http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/round.gif I really do. Just do everything you can to stay calm.
Number Four: Ramble 'til your fingers hurt! Got that?

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Gina

Hi Lane!

Congrats! Eating is a good sign!!

So, everything starts tomorrow, eh? You really seem to be in a pretty decent frame of mind, and I think you'll be just fine! Your stomach is another story entirely, right?

I would assume the counsellor will address the drug issues, Co-Dependency issues, and basic marital issues. However, I'm really speaking out my butt here, because I've never had councelling. I know - I should have by now, but on the rare occasion I had insurance, it only covered 6 visits a year. God know's that won't cover it!

As far as being queezy from cigs - funny you should ask that. I just posted somewhere in a thread that I find I smoke so much more when I park myself at the computer. I'm up there with you - I've done 3 packs since yesterday morning. Disgusting, I know! Now, in my defense, I haven't been to sleep in a couple of days, so that contributes. When I have insomnia I smoke more too.

Keep recording your thoughts - it's extremely theraputic. To paraphrase what Gina said, write until your fingers fall off! Whatever medium you choose - whether it be a journal or a computer entry, just get it out!

Are you gonna give hubby your six pager? If so, you should bring it to a counceling session at some point in your therapy! It would make interesting fodder for sure!

Good luck tomorrow - do post and let us know how it goes, and how you both are holding up. k? Dawn