I swear!
What the hell are we doing? Is THIS the life we planned for ourselves…ultimately turning to “self-help” boards as if it were our last attempt at life?

Is this all that life has to offer any of us?
Did we grow up PLANNING to hide ourselves away in a sea of sand hoping the world would just go away?

Didn’t we have dreams… aspirations… ambitions… what happened to them? Where did they go?

Did you forget to make a right turn instead of a left turn?

Do you have children? Do you have parents? How is our behaviour affecting them? Do you care? Does it even matter?

Do you hope to live long enough to see your children grow up to be just like you?

Did your parent's pray night after night that you would become the best alcoholic...drug/sex addict... compulsive liar... coward... that you could be?

Do you enjoy killing off brain cell after brain cell one by one???

Is dying before your time REALLY all that appealing to you?

Are you looking for real love in your life? Are you afraid you might ACTUALLY find it?

Will you do all you can to destroy it? Certainly you can't be worthy of it!

Are you angry? At who? Could it be YOU?

Have you been dealt a bad hand? Are you willing to accept that it’s all genetic so…what the hell; I’m doomed!!! Let the party begin! ...no where to go anyway. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Did someone hurt you? Are they feeling your pain? Are you teaching them a lesson they'll never forget? Do you even remember who it was now? Do you think they care if you do?

Do you really think that these addictions... these compulsions... these self-effacing behaviours; are what you deserve?

WHY??

I’ve had a bad life; who hasn’t? Should I just continue drinking 3-4 cases of beer every week? Is this the way everybody chooses to deal with their problems? Am I just doing what is expected of me? What happened to what I expected of myself?
Was I born to be a drunk? Was I born to be miserable?

You know, so many things happened to me that WEREN’T my fault! God knows...they really weren’t! So why did I choose to punish myself for the things I couldn’t control?

OH Wait!! What about the things that ARE my fault? How much of that am I really willing to take responsibility for?

How much will YOU take responsibility for?

Why is it taking me nearly 30 years to save myself?

How long will it take you?

Instead of just reading this post and moving on... do you dare to commit yourself to a life free of the chains that bind you?

Would you rather just dismiss me as some kind of nut?

Do what you have to do; I certainly plan to!!

NO!

I WILL do what I HAVE to do! I'm better than this! Damn it! I know I am!

Aren't you?

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Gina

[This message has been edited by #1Texan (edited 03-21-2003).]

[This message has been edited by #1Texan (edited 03-21-2003).]

[This message has been edited by #1Texan (edited 03-21-2003).]

I don't think we are different really from anyone else. I just think we have chosen worse ways to escape.
My mom watches Court TV and CNN about 24 hours a day. This started with the OJ Simpson trial and hasn't quit. Before that it was Home Shopping.

A friend went from beating his wife and stealing drugs to wanting to be a preacher. He used religion for everything. He actually found a bible verse saying God wanted him to buy a new truck (all $30,000 worth) ----- He is now addicted to religion.

I am addicted to fast food and pain pills and sleeping pills. I wish it was TV

Find a starting point Kitti... Do one thing that is different from what you normally do.

What got me started on wanting to change? It was a post by one person that gave me an idea to see if there was a link to my alcoholism and hypoglycemia.

That search (via Internet) lead me to the book that I received Saturday. Will I recover? Obviously, that is up to me. I won't know until I try and TRY I WILL!

I have to succeed too; God gave us all free will; He gave us life; I think I've disappointed Him more than once and I want Him to know that His whispers to me via you and so many others hasn't fallen on deaf ears.

I have exhausted all of my excuses; everyone that I've ever wanted to blame for my failures has a right to some peace!

I want peace in my life. I want to do the things that I keep putting off because I'm too busy staring at a computer screen and drinking beer.

Our world is in chaos and I must be ready both mentally and physically to take care of my family if this war comes home to us.

I've been very good at taking care of my priorities and responsibilities (i.e., work, finances, feeding/clothing/loving my children)...but I forgot to make ME a priority too.

It's time now for me to stop looking to die and begin looking at the life that is waiting for me. I will need everyone who is willing to support my efforts, my triumphs, my ultimate new life.

In turn, I'm here for all of you too.



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Gina

Hello Gina. I can't leave you alone for a minute can I? I seem to get the impression that you have been doing some soul searching and come up with some pretty yucky stuff. So first off, big hugs to you. Now consider something, the root of suffering is desire and the root of desire is ego. What do I mean by that? When you desire something and either kill yourself working to get it or fail to get it, are you not miserable? And when you are miserable about not obtaining something, doesn't it come from some sense of having been entitled to whatever it was you desired? And as far as having been dealt a bad hand, this is where we must question, is it predestined or do we really have free will? I will wruite more later!

Chippie

I firmly believe in free will. But that is only in terms to my decisions. I can't always duck the free will of others! My co-dependent nature has caused much stress especially when it comes to my goofy family. Gina always ready to rescue the "oops, did I do that again" family members. I've been better at choosing friends that don't feel the need to use me... they just kinda like me.

Please hunt me down and follow me like a puppy dog iffen you wanna... I happen to like your way of thinking.

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Gina

WOOF WOOF WOOF http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

[This message has been edited by chippie (edited 03-17-2003).]

I am yet to understand: How I feel others or some other's pain. Gina I certainly feel yours and I want to say or do something. I know I cannot do anything but keep hoping...

I know for example things I don't talk about in dark places where I could allow it to finish me off that I choose not to think or talk about it...

For example my dad was in the Navy and impregnated my mom....she was 15 and my dad had gotten out of the Navy when I the ******* son was sent on a bus with my mom because my dad's mother(my grandmother) sent her the bus ticket.

My dad did not want this ******* he accidentally had....yet from as far back as I can remember I worshiped and wanted to be like my dad. He had me to call him by his first name and thus I have never called him dad....

From that moment I suppose we were doomed as family because my dad and mom had 2 sisters after me....to see our wealthy well known family to be cast in to darkness when I was 13 years old....were we being punished for my dad's sexual behaviors in the navy? I am not sure but it sure seems that started the mold a crazy family that would/could never stay together....

Where are they now?? I am alone...living knowing my life was a huge waste in ways because I was so talented and had so popular as a teenager, played all sports and was a football star...was cocky and had it all.

I dream about my memories of what my family were almost every night if I sleep. I am so emotionally disturbed that It causes counselors to be depressed...

I dream about people who have passed away including family members and they are still in torment...we all are.

My former family does bother to ever call, to know if I am alive....I don't know if they are. My sisters do not speak to me either. I don't know why except we were all very disturbed when our mom left and our dad was not a dad...we lived whereever a relative would allow us to lay our heads and they had their own kids.

My downfall is, was, always about my broken home and heart and that will never change. No matter if I try to forget my family...my dreams, conscience, and life will never allow me to forget. I suppose Im watched too much brady bunch...lol

In case any of you wonder I did write letters, make phone calls, and everything I thought possible to re-unite with some of my family. I stopped about 4 years ago. I am so sorry for jabbering but this gave me a chance to get inside my head a little and my heart.

So I was brought to my knees and that's still not good enough as my health is going, going, but against all odds I keep a little hope for my God and my guardian angels. I have actually felt their presence.

I hope to hear from you soon. If not for yourself...please keep a little hope for both of us. It was meant to be that we met on this board and I want to support you and others as my final gift.

Thanks all for allowing me to vent and post,

With Blessings and Hope,

Risky Business

Hey Risky -

You know what? It's your family's loss. And the only place the word bast*rd belongs is next to your father's name, not yours.

Screw your family!! You're in our family now!!

Dawn

Thanks Dawn: Ever now and then...I tell this very messed-up situation just to get it off my chest. You know it helps to tell suppressed feelings sometimes...

It hurts...but I still believe it helps also. You know what else? You are not them only one who has said that. When I was growing up...my best friend's mother said she adopted me. She could never understand why my dad acted the way he did.

But he grew up with alcoholics and my mom did leave him...see, here I go again taking up for him. I still have that unconditional love a family is supposed to have. My life will never be the same as I suppose everyone wants there dad or mom....

I do consider support boards my family and and other people. You know?? I was not perfect. But all friends had somewhat families that always stood by side their loved ones. I tell you it's very disturbing.

Thanks Dawn and Gina, and all members if you will have me as a family member. I am very grateful. May God Bless,

Risky Business

If it weren't for Texan making a complete copy of what I wrote I would edit my original message. I don't believe in what I wrote anymore. I'm sorry I made the post now.

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Gina

Gina

Go do your editing. Glad to see you are in a better frame of mind. You Go Girl.

LY
#1T

It is interesting that we find solace and comfort here in an anonymous forum but it is where we feel safe because the rawest of emotions can be laid out and we don't have to take the defensive about them.
RB, I feel your pain and will tell you that the thought of someone growing up as you did makes me try harder to be a good and loving parent myself. You are showing a tremendous amount of courage and a glimmer of hope by sharing your story with us. Hope is sometimes all we have and sometimes, it is enough. My hope for you is that you find peace and serenity and that you find it soon. Actually, that is my hope for all of us. Especially in an uncertain global time, it is easy to withdraw deeper into our addictions and our own "bad places" but that makes it all the more crucial that we keep coming back here for our daily dose of love and caring. I welcome you with open heart my new brother!
Gina and Tex, I have to say that you both exemplify the kind of people I was looking for when I joined this forum. You both share your pain and advice so eloquently and with out judgement and it is for that that I come back day after day, even if I just lurk. If you could only realise the serenity that your posts instill in me, I hope that it would brighten your day.
Dawn, your input is lively and welcome and makes me appreciate that good ol' no nonsense attitude that is pure YANKEE (I'm a Mainah) and I feel as I can relate to you quite well.
And for everyone else that has been contributing to these last few threads (started mostly by Miss Gina), I look forward everyday to reading your thoughts because, everyone else's opinion helps nudge mine into new directions. And sometimes my opinion is changed for the better and sometimes I think you're all a bunch of cooks but always, I have a new awareness and it makes me think. I wish everyone a peaceful day and I hope that each and everyone of you finds one thing to smile about today and everyday.

I was in a real "feel sorry for Gina" mood all day yesterday. I now just feel sorry for how bad I'm hungover now!

Chippie... I love knowing you're out there doing your voyeur routine. (gets me hot!)
Okay… I’m kidding. But I’m glad to know you are there as I do wonder about you and what you’re up to. I love reading YOUR posts!

Y’all, tomorrow is the big day… I start my home-detox program and I am nervous but anxious to get started. I’m on a mission to save my life and I am scared that it may be too late. I have some physical side effects that I don’t know the root cause. I take that back… I do know the root cause (alcohol), but I don’t know what in particular is wrong. I will need all of you. I don’t want to die.


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Gina

I don't want you to die either. I want you to be healthy and strong and to keep making me giggle and think. So, be careful and good luck. Drink tons of water and do your vitamins and all the stuff you're supposed to. Ya hear me?????

Gina,

I replied to your reply to my new post (did ya catch all that?! LOL!). Make sure you go and read it, hon!

Mommy and Chippie... (y'all could form a band with that name yanno?)

As long as I have all of you to talk to and "fess up" to... I'll get this thing licked. I don't really have a choice anymore. Talk about "do or die!"

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Gina