Hi all,
Firstly I really hope this doesn't upset anyone, if you do
get upset easily, plz don't read this right now - Thank
you.

Well, Ive decided to come here and declare I have thoughts
of death, not suicide at all I am not depressed (at least
I don't think I am). These thought can be anything from
accidents that kill to murders that other people commit against
people I really care about, my daughter, my partner, my
parents and close friends. I don't think I have willing
hurt anyone I love in these thoughts, except the one where
I fall down the stairs and my baby daughter gets crushed. Of course, I don't want this to happen and it doesnt take over my life, Im also scared of death for me a those around me, though arent most scared of leaving behind everything uve ever known - it doesnt take over my life, im saying. I remember when I was quite small, around 7
yrs I think, (im 21 now), I used to do the same thing, one
recurrent one was my Mum's eyes burning out and becoming
black ash as I stood there and cried, the strange thins is im awfully calm about while im thinking about it - like one side of me is hurting and the other side is control the hurt to try and make it go away.

It rare I think about this during the day but I do at
night especially when i lay in bed, and its very difficult
to control, its almost like half my mind can't help itself
think these awful thing and the other side doesnt like it
one bit, Im training myself to say "no" when i start
thinking about it but it seems to creep back in whatever I
do - perhaps because im so used to doing it.

The thought arent thoughts of wanting things to happen it
just plays over in my mind, where I can see everything - I
can stay quite clam about it coz im actually quite used to
it now, although these thoughts are haunting me more
frequently and as my daughter gets older (11 months at the
moment) I want to enjoy watching her grow without these
thoughts.

Also as a side note, I wouldnt say I was depressed nor
would I say I was very unhappy, i would say however, that
I am contented although there are a few issues that do
need to be addressed but nothing to unusual.

Sorry about the length here. Has anyone else had this?
Does anyone have thoughts on (my) thoughts? Any comments
that are left i will be grateful for - Thank you. x

[This message has been edited by Pipar (edited 10-26-2003).]

Hi Pipar,
sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD for short
this occurs usually to anxious people and often causes unpleasant unwanted thoughts to come into the mind, its quite common
antidepressant meds often reduce it

books on overcoming OCD have useful advice although some dont give much attention to the thoughts
try a library, you can say you are helping a friend who has the problem
also look up OCD on the net

It is most likely OCD. Do you ever do anything to help make the thought go away. It could be counting, repeating things, or anything alike. There is an OCD page oon this web site, you should check it out. Hope that helps you!

Hi all,

Thanks very much for replying - its means alot when complete strangers will take time out to give you a little support - thank you!

I have read up a little on OCD although it speaks alot more of behavioural compluses (i.e. washing hands frequently being one of the main ones), so im not really sure if it is that as all i do is have thoughts, although I dont know if it has anything to do with it, but I remember when I was in my very early teens or perhaps even younger, I had a thing about doing things 3 times, I just had to do it! Might have been a childhood thing though. When I get these thoughts I do have to try and distract myself though it rarely works and I just end up falling asleep in the end.

Ive made an appointment with some concillors that are local - I have raised my concern over it already and theyve fitted me in next monday!
All the best,
Pipar

the unwanted thoughts are a big part of OCD although curiously, some OCD books dont mention them

A lot of new mothers have thoughts about their babies "what if..." I often have thoughts about how things would be if my husband were killed, or what would happen if my daughter or I wre severely injured in an accident. Lots of weird stuff. Please know you're not alone!! I do suggest talking to a doctor about these thoughts, though.

Hey there I suffered and suffered from evil morbid thoughts. Thoughts about killing my family etc.... I was touched by GOD iam a christian and I can tell you this I was prayed for and I was healed since then they try to come into my mind but I have power to immediatly defeat them. Ill be praying for you. And just remmeber you can control your thoughts with help of course =-)

You are having obsessional thoughts. I know exactly how you are feeling. When my anxiety was high I had VERY disturbing thoughts that would send me into a panic attack! It was awful! I worried that I was crazy, sick and evil because my thoughts were so disturbing. I was so worried that I was going to lose control and act on the thoughts. Just remember, they are only thoughts NOT desires or actions!

I am reading this book right now called Stop Obsessing. It is very good and talks a lot about obsessional thoughts. In fact, it talks about a man Joel who had vivid and disturbing thoughts about killing his wife and daughter. Many other books focus on hand washing, cleaning, etc...which I don't do. I am like you, I only have obsessional thoughts, no rituals/compulsions.

There is another book on obsessional thoughts called The Imp of the Mind. I haven't read it yet, but I have heard it is excellent. It is about disturbing thoughts.

I was recently put on an anti-depressent and it has helped sooo much. I still might have thoughts evey once in a while but they don't scare me! I know that its only the anxiety talking, not me. When you fear the thoughts, its like adding fuel to the fire. It makes them even worse. I also know that I am not crazy or evil.

Believe me, you are not alone or crazy. Don't be afraid to go talk to someone about this. I was afriad to tell anyone because I thought I would be locked up. The fact that these thoughts disturb you shows that they are not part of your nature and you would never act on them. My heart goes out to you because I understand exactly how you are feeling. I highly suggest you read these books...I think you will feel relief just from knowing that they are only thoughts, not you, and that other people have the same problems.

Pipar,
Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it is used to treat OCD as well as anxiety and depression. The two books I always recommend are either "Feeling Good" by David Burns or "Been There, Done That? Do This!" by Sam obitz. Both are great and focus on dealing with your thoughts. Good Luck and keep us posted.

Hi everyone
I have been reading and i can totally relate!!!My only question is..Why has this obsessing stopped for me?I used to invision everyone i loved dying in some form or another..then i would cry and cry...This was when i first got married almost 17 yrs ago..I met hubby in march got pregnant in october was married in jan at the ripe ole age of 18!!! I am also the baby in my family so it was very stressful at the time for me...Also after i had my son i had major attacks of not being able to breathe and chest pains.I went to the Er many times and had many tests everything turned out ok...I never did get any real answers about that!!I never told anyone about my thoughts because that was just the way i was.I am wondering after reading here tonight how did it just go away???...I did this nightly while crying myself to sleep..I can relate to the ocd theory ..I have not been diagnosed by a doc..I do however compulsively check for my keys before getting out of my car.Iam totally obsessed with the thoughts of having germs on stuff..My kids make fun of me saying mom be careful you may catch something thats not clean ETC...I have also been reading up on bipolar..i can relate to some of those posts also...Self discovery time for me!!!!Thanks in advance for any input ... :)
SP68