Its hard to explain how I feel. Before I went to my Rheumatologist the first time, I was on a bunch of different pills trying to stop the pain but nothing worked really well. I was starting to think I was crazy because everyone raved about Celebrex & Vioxx and all these other pills. I just kept thinking to myself, "why arent they working for me?"
Now Im about to start Methotrexate and am scared to death! With Plaquenil, I wasnt so scared because I had hears wonderful things about it, but then I had an allergic reaction to it and now Im scared to try something strong like MTX. I guess I know I need to take it and I hope that it makes me better, but Im really having a hard time with this one. I havent even gotten my prescription filled yet. Im sure I'll stare at those little pills and pray that they will make me feel better again.
My fiance is supportive and would do anything, but he cant understand my fears about the medicine. I think he thinks I'll be better magically and we wont have to worry about this forever, but truth be told Im terrified that I'll end up taking MTX and a bunch of other meds too. I dont want to be a slave to medicine my whole life.
Im scared because of the side effects (and the after effects) and at the same time Im scared of having to go through the 'adjustment phase' while they figure out which dose is best for me. Im scared of what my moods will be like and how my fiance will react.
I just know that when Saturday night comes around (ugh, only 3 more days), I'll probably cry myself to sleep after taking them and hope I wake up feeling okay.
I have so many questions about it still though. Like how much Folic Acid should I take? And when should I take that, before or after the MTX? Will it upset my stomach too? How will I know if Im taking enough? Some people say they take as much as 5mg, whereas my Rheumatologist only prescribed me 1mg. Is that enough?
I know Im struggling to accept that I have to be on MTX. My doctor didnt want to prescribe the sulfa drug for me because my family has a history of sulfa drug allergic reactions. So perhaps this is the best next step for me, it just seems so toxic. I mean, its so powerful that you only have to take it once a week... just a like a chemo drug... that scares me.
I guess its just one of those days when I feel overwhelmed with it all..... thanks for letting me vent some....