Oops, ment to start a new thread, this post is already on another thread, but reposted here:
I'm 24 and male. I have many family member's who are autistic (at least three cousins plus my nephew) and in reading about the autism i discovered aspergers. The scary part for me was that in reading about it I realized that all of the symptoms fit me to a tee. The weird part is, I'm aware of them. The no-eye-contact thing has literally had me on the brink of a breakdown. I can't look someone in the eye, i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack or something after about two seconds. Also, my fingers and toes are constantly in motion, i can conciously stop them, but it seems like my body naturally does this. I also don't share my interestes with others, not sure why. Even though I'm a published author, not even my closest friends or family members knew I was a writer until my work had been picked up... I'm obsessed with architecture, can tell you everything about many buildings/architects in my city. I've often considered persuing architecture as a career, but even though my IQ is 163 and I've been a member of mensa for the past two years I can't seem to adjust well enough to continue my education. I've been accepted to two different schools on full scholerships and dropped out both times (once in engineering and once in political science). I never felt like I fit in, no one really 'gets me' kinda thing, but that just sounds whiney... I am also hyperlexic, I can read a 200 page novel in a couple of hours, and I'm a published poet. The weird part is, I can't carry on a normal conversation. When I try to talk to someone new, they often percieve me as shy and aloof, when in reality I just find it really difficult to talk to ANYONE. I'm lucky because many of my friends understand that i'm 'eccentric' and just go with it, but when it comes to meeting new people it's a real nightmare. I have never been involved in any type of intimate relationship, any of my g/f's in the past have really just treated me like sometime to pity after they realize that they can't change me. This is a major struggle for me. Up until my nephew was diagnosed as autistic i had never even considered this possiblitity because my only expose to autism prior to that was of the 'rain man' variety.
I should also mention that I FEEL like a fairly well balanced person to myself, which is not evident in the above paragraphs. I have self-esteem, I understand my own self worth and I honestly strive to be the most altruistic and honest person that I can be. I just feel so dis-connected sometimes that it's scary. It's like I don't understand what the big deal about stuff is. I don't understand why my peers do the things they do, even the normal stuff like relationships and school. I feel like I'll never be able to truly live up to my own potential. That sounds very egomaniacal, but that's not how I intend it to be. I just feel like I'm a really intelligent guy (something I'm sure many people wish they were) but I'm wasting all of that. It's almost like if someone was a really good base-ball player but didn't understand the rules of the game well enough to play it. I understand that I have certain skills and abilities, I just can't use them for anything. Very frustrating...
Sorry for going on so long about this... Thanks for letting me get this out, I've never really shared any of this before... Good luck to all of you...
Bless your heart... you just ARE who God made you to be. No need to apologize or worry that you are out there all alone. My son is 11, soon to be 12, with HFA and if he turns out to be half the articulate, genuine person you appear to be, I'll be thrilled. You know, some of us are hard wired to be one way, some another. It's not necessarily that you are not like everyone else, you are just different in your own unique way. At least, you have the gift of realizing what your challanges are and you can work on learning to compensate to some degree, but happiness can be found in many ways, and as long as you live your life with integrity and find things to fill your spirit and make yourself happy, that is what is important. Someone will come along one day who will love and accept you as you are, if that is truly what you find to be important for you. So many of us try our best to somehow 'mask' or hide our children's perceived shortcomings, but truly they are the fabric of what makes each child unique in this world. I can't make it important to my son that he have friends. Either it's intrinsically important to him, or it's not. Just like I can't MAKE myself like celery... it goes against my nature!
Now that you KNOW there is the probability that all these years, your struggle has a reason called AS, you can relax and move forward with the knowledge that, yes, you see life differently, but that is what it is... not bad, just "DIFFERENT" and differences are what makes this world interesting.
Thank you for your reply. Your kind words mean a lot to me, and you're 100% right. Like I mentioned in my message, I'm not looking for a 'cure' or treatment or anything like that, just some advice from others like myself on how to adapt. It was nice to see that there is someone out there who is doing a good job of dealing /w having a child with this problem. In my childhood I was basically just told that I was different with no further explination given, and that really made me feel like an outsider... Thanks again and take care.
The scary part for me was that in reading about it I realized that all of the symptoms fit me to a tee. The weird part is, I'm aware of them. >>
My son has AS. He was diagnosed at 31 and is now 34. He is also aware like you are of the symptoms that are causing him problems. He has 2 college degrees, an IQ of 147, but yet has difficulty keeping a job.
You sound like you have your act together though, for the most part, and that's half the battle. I do think you should pursue an architecture degree. Try again. You might be ready this time.
My son is *into* Russian history and could tell you everything there is to know about it although Russian isn't what he has either degree in.
I wish you luck and I have a feeling that things will work out for you. My gut feelings are rarely wrong.