My story is about my problem with lying, alcoholism and Asperger's syndrome, which is a less severe form of Autism. I would like to seek help involving my problems, as I don't really have anyone to talk to about it..
When I was young I was abused by my parents who were very high strung. My parents would tell me that a white lie every once in awhile was ok, to cover myself. I guess this escalated into something worse..
I was the middle child of three girls. I do strongly believe the middle child syndrome was at work within my family, because no one ever encouraged me and nurtured me. I was like the black sheep, and if I went, no one would probably notice. I was the only daughter who was hit, and I don't know why? I left home for awhile thinking it would fix things by being apart. When I came back it was just the same.
When I was young, a man sexually abused me and my older sister, and I never told my parents about it until dinnertime some 7 years later, because my sister said it was embarrassing to tell them. Of course they couldn't do anything about it, but what they said really annoyed me. "At least he didn't kill you".
I do not know much about Asperger's, but I have been told I have all the symptoms. I am not sure if I have it. I am 21 years old and I haven't been diagnosed.
The most scary symptom that I possess of this disorder occurs when I am lying down in the dark. I'm talking about complete darkness. If I hear a "click", I see a flash of white light, like a lightning just shocked me. I'm not too sure about why this happens?! It scares the crap out of me, and I hardly get any sleep.
I also hear voices, whether in the day time or night time. It would be a woman's voice, whispering. I know it's not my mind... because it sometimes echos. Once my friend heard the voice at the same time as I did. "Traitor.." was what we heard. Maybe I said it outloud, but seriously, I don't recall saying it. The room was also very quiet at the time. I never lied to this girl, she was my best friend at the time, but she stabbed me in the back a couple of years later.
When I was about 4 I used to hear voices too. I would be alone in the room and a woman's voice would whisper "hello.." sounding really creepy. I would run up to my mum at the other end of the house and ask her if she said hello to me? She would then scare me by saying it's the ghost of my grandma.
Also, whenever I read something, the words turn out all mumbled up and out of order. The words don't make sense, and it takes me about 5 times to re-read it and actually understand it. Same goes for when I am listening to someone, I filter out a lot of information that they are saying to me. It's like a whole new different language even though I only speak English! When they ask me a question, I respond sometimes with something totally unrelated.
I am studying to be an engineer and it seems all I understand are numbers. This has occurred since I was about 4, numbers would just click. I topped my high school in mathematics and physics. But the problem that is detrimental to my studies is the fact that I also need English subjects to pass my course. There will be presentations required, and I'm afraid I'm gonna wet my pants in front of everyone coz I get scared of talking in front of an audience.
I have strange repetitive behaviour which I don't realise I do most of the time. I clean my hands excessively (and sometimes get rashes), I constantly think people are looking down on me, I like to type all the phone numbers I know on my CALCULATOR, I wash and clean my house when I'm depressed, I lie constantly about myself, I get compulsive often (for example if I buy a jacket, I have to buy 5 more of the same jacket in the week), I spend a lot on retail therapy shopping which essentially, it's sending me broke.
Probably the most scary ritual of all occurs everyday. One beer will turn into 10 or more... A couple of times I wake up next to some guy who I don't know too well. I have had blood tests and all and I'm safe, but I am starting to feel very low and depressed about myself. And those guys will spread rumours about me which lead me to drink even more and more... I don't know how to stop myself from drinking. I drink at dinner time and while I study... and now I just can't stop..
I find alcohol allows me release from my twisted little life. It helps me forget who I really am and what other people don't know. The lies about having the perfect boyfriend, my friend who died, the amount of money I make, the perfect job I have, the grades I get, the sick days I pull at work etc. I don't know how to stop the lying, because my parents taught me that it was ok for a little white lie to be told. I know it's wrong, but it's so hard to stop now... I've promised myself to stop it but it keeps happening, no matter how small the lie is.
I'm scared that one day when I'm drunk, because of all my problems, I will jump off a bridge or something. I'm too ashamed of what I've said to people. Some of my friends just laugh at me when I say that my boyfriend and I broke up (which was the truth). Kind of like the boy who cried wolf..
Please give me some advice...if there is anyone else who had the same problem(s), please tell me what you have done to fix it.