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Old 10-19-2008, 05:22 AM   #1
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aspergers and relationship advice

I really like a guy at work who was diagnosed as an adult as having very mild aspergers. I always thought he was a bit different but find him very endearing.
I'm a bit confused though as I've heard they have trouble expressing emotions, however, he seems slightly the opposite. He talks a lot about different things that have made him cry and sometimes gets teased about it.
I also noticed he has a set routine with food, the time he eats, the way you need to make his coffee and if any of this gets out of routine he almost can't cope. Is this typical?
HE is very smart and very knowledgeable on certain interests and talks non stop and is very sociable with everyone.... almost to the point of saying too much to people he doesn't even know.
He acts like he likes me but I was wondering if he would recognize flirting? He doesn't always make eye contact but has a few times. He sometimes gets excited like a child if he finds out we may have a coffee break at the same time, and he always asks how my weekend was.
Would I need to be really direct if I wanted to let him know I liked him? He has had many girlfriends and has been engaged before. As he appears really friendly to everyone I'm not sure if he is meaning to give me different signals or if that's how he is to everyone.
Any advice greatly appreciated.
Thanks

 
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Old 10-21-2008, 07:04 PM   #2
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

I think it is great you are reaching out to understand more about him. I hope someday my son finds someone who is caring and understanding instead of the troubled girls
I think being direct is the best way to go.

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:15 PM   #3
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

Go for it! What have you got to lose?!

 
Old 10-24-2008, 10:12 PM   #4
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

It does sound like he likes you. We don't get excited about coffee break with people we don't like! He may not recognize flirting unless it is obvious, but as long as he enjoys your company, he'll hang out with you.

Being a female, it's difficult for me to ask someone to do things with me; I don't know if the guys have the same difficulty or not. But if someone else suggests an activity to me, I would certainly take them up on it if I wanted to be with them.

Yes, the set routines are typical of Aspergers. We can learn to be less rigid, but it takes time, and we need to see that the world doesn't come to an end! Or that there is a better, simpler way. Some of our rigid behaviors have underlying reasons behind them, so you might want to ask him some questions. Like, my keys ALWAYS go on the same place on my counter. Why? Because if they aren't there, I have absolutely no idea where they might be, and will search the house from top to bottom, being frantic and upset the entire time until the keys turn up. Most of my "rigid behaviors" stemmed from a bad situation I got myself in, and then made myself a "rule" that I would ALWAYS do it like this so I didn't have to go through that emotional turmoil / meltdown again. Sometimes it's for easiness. For example, the glasses go in the cabinet by the refrigerator. Why? Because I get drinks out numerous times each day, and it's more convenient. I ALWAYS use unscented or low scent shampoo. Why? Scents make my allergies flare up. So ask him - why does he do things a certain way. If someone shows me a better, easier way, I can quickly change. If it's no better for me, just "different", I can be as obstinate as a mule.

The non-stop talking may need professional help. Sometimes I have this problem, but not often, however, I know two guys with Aspergers who literally won't stop talking, even after you tell them to be quiet so you can talk. They will talk with no pauses for 20-30 minutes straight. If I ever get a word in edgewise, they will almost immediately talk right over me. Don't know what the solution is to this, I've tried a timer (which didn't work), and have been tempted to try duct tape! I have seen good counseling help with this. My personal solution has been to avoid these guys, because they aren't having a conversation, they are engaging in a monologue, and really don't care what other people have to say.

Good luck with this guy! We can be fun, entertaining people in the right environment, and we're very loyal.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 04:25 AM   #5
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

Thanks for your replies and thanks roses4lace for your indepth reply. It gives me more of an understanding what may go on in his mind.
And yes he has talked non stop for about 30 minutes, however, the last couple of days he has avoided me and when I went into his office to ask a work question he froze and wouldn't take his eyes off the computer screen and talked to me the whole time with his back to me. I felt like I had done something wrong? I don't normally go into his office he normally comes to mine so maybe it was a routine he wasn't prepared for?

 
Old 03-25-2009, 11:29 PM   #6
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

WOW

I just found out that he doesn't know he has aspergers. Apparently everyone at work knows he does ( some family members work there) but they never worried about teliing him!
I was considering discussing his Aspergers with him ( before I found out he doesn't even know).
Isn't this a bit weird? Wouldn't you want to know? I'ts made me really confused.

 
Old 03-26-2009, 12:38 AM   #7
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

hello! Your thread caught my eye... I work with kids with autisim and other disorders. The 'autism spectrum' is big and gets bigger as more 'types' are confirmed. There are several severities. I feel really sad for him that his family never told him. Can I ask how old he is? There is so much out there for autisitic support these days even for the most less severe type. I suggest you be a friend.. that's all you can do right now, or closer if thats how it goes for you. And do some reading up on it. It's probably not your place to say hey, did you know you may have aspergers? you know what I mean? If he's that open to you and shares with you then maybe you can lead him and be what he needs to figure it out :-) Look me in the eye (I think that's what it's called) is a book I love, true story Sounds a bit like your guy... Good Luck, can't wait to hear!

 
Old 04-15-2009, 02:51 AM   #8
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

Thanks Mesha

He's in his early 40's. Had a confusing setback recently though. He's started to text message me some evenings mainly to wish me a good day off...quite harmless stuff. He's also made a general comment that I should go for a run with him sometime to which I've replied "sure" but nothing definate was set.
Anyway one evening I sent a text asking if he wanted to go for a walk. It was a spur of the moment decision for me and I did get a reply saying sorry he was just about to have dinner and watch the footy but maybe on the weekend. Next day at work I asked if he had time for that walk and he looked highly embarressed/annoyed and said he was way too busy and he totoally ignores me for the rest of the day. He wouldn't make eye contact or even say hello for the next week.
I was totally confused and felt like I had done something wrong.
Was I too forward in inviting him for a walk? That's the only thing I can think of. He has since started talking to me again but I'm not sure whether to keep things strictly business like....mind you nothing has really happened between us other than I like him and I thought I was getting clues that he liked me too. He also accidently called me "Darl" at work which he corrected immediately and was very embarressed. I pretended not to hear it.
Any clues as to what he could be thinking?
Thanks

 
Old 04-15-2009, 11:13 AM   #9
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

I think it is sad no one ever told him. I know when I finally told my son when he was able to understand it put a lot of things into perspective for him.

Good luck with your friend. It is hard to say if he is nervous or just doesnt know how to deal with someone liking him.

I know when people call my son out of the blue he seems thrown off like he needs to know in advance..

 
Old 10-06-2009, 07:44 PM   #10
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Re: aspergers and relationship advice

I think the key here has to be his education on Aspergers. Whether you point him in the right direction or provide him with as much info as you can...do something. Try to find out more about his past relationships which might give you an idea of the kind of relationship you'd be in for. It might also provide you with ideas as to how best to help him.

As an Aspie myself, I've totally been where he is in terms of reacting to something/someone that would affect your routine or calling someone by the wrong name. I run on scripts and I know this because I was able to connect my behviours to Aspergers.

And, the things that make you uncomfortable may make your friend uncomfortable for different reasons. Be brutally honest (no rude) and put your emotions to the side.

Hope it works out.

 
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