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Old 07-19-2010, 11:16 AM   #1
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aspergers,

hi i am a 62 woman, and my main problem is my 23 year old daughter,we both agree that she has aspergers although she has not been diagnosed...i have always known she is a bit different and difficult to cope with but since she had a baby 2.5 years ago [no father] the problems have got so much worse .I look after the baby full time ,she goes to university ,its hard at my age but i cope and love every minute of the baby....but when my daughter has a bad spell she uses the baby as a weapon, she threathens to put the baby up for adoption or worse put her in the car and drive into the biggest thing she can find....i have no legal rights to stop her but so far i've managed to stop her doing anything.....she picks on me all the time i cant do or say anything with out setting her off ....she spends money like water and is always borrowing off me....i live off pension credits so i just haven't got any money to spare.The trouble is as the baby gets older she is going to notice things more,she already say mummy stays in her bed crying all day.....with the summer hols just starting i dread the next 2/3 months till she goes back to uni and even then she is thinking of travelling in every day and staying with me....my whole life revolves around her and i cant see any end to it as long as i have the baby..................wow i feel better already ...if anyone reads this ...thank you

 
Old 07-19-2010, 11:47 AM   #2
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Re: aspergers,

call her bluff.....the next time she threatens to put the baby up for adoption why not say to her....."I really wish you wouldn't, but if you want to, it's your baby, it's your decision". I'm sure she won't do it, and she will learn not to try to manipulate you like that.....call her bluff!
if she says she's going to take the baby in the car and crash it, you can call the police and report it. let her know you're not playing around and you're tired of letting her yank your chain.

 
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Old 07-20-2010, 02:00 AM   #3
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Re: aspergers,

hi, thanks for answering so promtly,what you say is more or less what i do,but she is very bright and knows what i am doing .if it were just me and her i would have cut the cord long ago (quote from what a shrink told me to do when she was 15 and self harming]...every time i think i have sussed out how to deal with one problem another one crops up.....my brain just goes into overload ,i try to ignore her as what ever i say will be wrong but not saying anything is wrong and she will go on and on untill i say something that she can pounce on. so somethimes i just say something to wind her up just to get it over and done with quicker then she crashes off to bed crying and i feel terrible . trouble is i cant see any end to it...i cant go on holiday she wants to come but then makes it unbearable but she can cope to go abroad with friends.....i cant even afford a weeks camping in the uk....sorry to go on but it helps me just writing this .......have you got anyone with this sort of problem or you your self ,i guess as you are on this site you must have .....thanks again

 
Old 07-20-2010, 06:15 AM   #4
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Re: aspergers,

I don't have anyone with autism, I just click new posts and see all kinds of posts from different boards. I'm usually on the relationship board or the thyroid board. I still think some tough love is in order.....if she can go abroad with friends, if she can have a baby, if she can be a mother, etc, etc, etc.....she's an ADULT. You need to let her take responsibility for her own actions and sink or swim.....stop bailing her out. She's manipulating you and she's good at it! Time to put your foot down.

 
Old 07-21-2010, 09:18 AM   #5
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Re: aspergers,

My 9yr old son is just going through the diagnosis stages for probable aspergers and I suspect now that my sister also had aspergers but it went undiagnosed all those years as she acted identical to my son whilst growing up, some of your problems sound like similar things my parents had to cope with when my sister was a similar age, my niece ended up living with my parents when my sister decided she didn't want her anymore but then a few months later she took her back, it is a rollercoster of a ride and I can really symphathise as my sisters attitude also resulted in me & her falling out and havn't spoken since, she has gone through numerous depressions and threatened all sorts, she never seems happy with her life and always wants more. Whilst I cannot help directly, from finding out information on aspergers myself I have found there are some very good books on the market, have you read any of the Tony Attwood books on parenting aspergers, they cover adulthood aspergers also and it may give you some ideas on different tactics to try. Best of luck xx

 
Old 07-21-2010, 10:02 PM   #6
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Re: aspergers,

I am 55 years old and both my son and myself have Aspergers. We went through some rough times earlier when I had to learn to set good boundaries for myself, and lay down the law as to what went on in my own home. My constant refrain during those times had to do with - while you live under my roof, you will follow my rules. You want to make your own rules, you are welcome to go rent an apartment, or find some other relative to live with who won't make any rules for you. Fortunately, I had a counselor who helped me with advice on how to handle various situations, so I confronted the inappropriate behavior quickly, before it became a habit.

Sounds to me like both you and your daughter would benefit from regular counseling sessions. Her to handle her stress level and learn to manage the other glitches from the Aspergers (including relationship problems), and you to receive some advice on how to cope with the threats/ inappropriate behavior and learn to set some healthy boundaries. Good luck.

 
Old 07-22-2010, 10:27 AM   #7
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Re: aspergers,

hi,thanks for reply. i would love to get counselling for me and my daughter but it is not easy to get that sort of help on the national health and i can't afford private.....up till the age of 15 any doctor i went to just said it was normal teen problems.I knew it wasn't but with so many different strange behavioral problems its very hard to explain what was wrong . At 15 they said she was depressed and put her on antidepressants which she has been on ,on and off for eight years she has OCD and we think aspergers..when the baby was born she really didn't have any interest in her ,i have the baby 24/7 but she does pay for her keep...as soon as the baby was born she[the baby] started having eating problems and although i had to wait till she was about 18 months old to get her assessed they found that she has sensory problems and wont touch things with her hands and hence wont put any thing in her mouth either at 31 months she still is on liquid food through a feeding bottle......i had to fill in a long questionere for the baby and i only answered yes to the sonsory things but as i read the list i realised i would have answered yes to nearly all the quetions if it had been my daughter as a baby... i feel annoyed that somehow she [my daughter ]has not had the sort of help she should have had.............she has very few friends and every where she goes she seems to think every one is bullying her....she even thinks i am not nice to her which is so hurtfull when i am running my self into the ground to try and make her happy...i have almost reached the point where i just want to give up,but i don't know how to give up and i have to keep going for the baby.........thanks for listening

 
Old 07-24-2010, 01:01 PM   #8
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Re: aspergers,

thanks for reply,i have just gone on ebay and bought the book you suggested ,looking forward to reading it....if your son is diagnosed with aspergers it will be interesting to see what help you get..what does your son do,what made you think it might be aspergers it would be interesting to compere notes ..i had never heard of aspergers till recently when my daughter found it on the computer and we both agreed it fitted her ....for eight years she has been treated for depression but they have never found a reason for her depression....she has been treated for ocd but i feel she has been pushed from one place to another because no one has ever really tried to find out what is wrong with her..this has added to her depression ,just not knowing why she is like she is.when she got up the courage to go to one doctor and said she had ocd the doctor said he had never heard of it ..she came out of the surgery so stressed she just wanted to kill her self ...she has got some help since she started university but the trouble with her sort of problem is she forgets to go to appointments and forgets to take pills...i am amazed [and thankfull each year she gets through uni.]...now i have just got to get through the holidays without losing it....be nice to hear from you again..........

 
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