BUBBLENOODLE

I'm falling into what seems to be a deep depression. Despite multiple degrees, I have been unable to obtain and maintain employment.

I feel worthless. I am at home all the time transferring old files to digital format. As much as I am ok with doing so, I should be doing much more with my life.

I have sensory issues that I have come to realize, control my life. It determines where I can go and what I can do for the most part. Despite bad experiences though, I sometimes forget to take into consideration the cost of engaging in an activity outside of my home.

"Can you pick this up for me this afternoon?" I'm asked.
I immediately think of the physical task of doing so and basically think, "Can I drive there? yes. Therefore 'yes'". It's not until I experience sensory overload that I realize that I overdid it.

I was diagnosed about a year ago and since then, I've been putting the pieces together slowly. As I get older, I find my ability to tolerate things is declining and I experience fatigue much easier than when I was younger.

How can I work like this? I feel like my life is over. I feel worthless.

I started to think back to a better time in my life when I was able to work, socialize and generally felt free to live. That was over ten years ago and with that 'freedom' came a high tolerance for alcohol/alcohol addiction. My sensory issues seemed to disappear. What really happened was that I became numb to some degree to them but they were still there. Instead of eating, I drank. I wasn't cold all the time. I could tolerate lights and noises as I worked in a busy environment. In less than two years, I had worked every position in the company just short of manager.

That was over ten years ago.

I live a solitary life. I struggle with basic things like eating/cooking and dressing and the best time of my life was when I was drinking because I was living. I want to settle down and have a family. I want to be the kick-*** professional I and others knew I could be. Now... there's just a lot of people wondering what happened to me. I was supposed to be so much yet here I am doing nothing.

I feel like a prisoner and that my life will not get better.
I fear for my own health down the line.
I fear of not contributing to my retirement when I get older...you know, some of the environmental accommodations that might help me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I just want to live.