I think you`ll find that most doctors don`t even know what causes Aspergers.....will be interested to know what the doctor says...if you are to the wholistic approach, then google leaky gut...you will be amazed....
Hello again, I am sorry I was unable to get back to you yesterday as I promised...my doctor's appointment ended up being practically an all day thing, and I was pooped afterwards. I have some major health issues that need lots of care. In the mean time, I was thinking about you and your questions, hoping I have the right words to say in response.
One little sentence was very inspirational, and that was that you do not want to leave him. That is powerful. As you mentioned, there are so many reasons not to leave, but most important of all is your basic desire to keep this marriage alive. That choice will give you the strength you need. Use this opportunity to change your thinking about your husband, for that is the only way to change your feelings toward him. After all, 20 years of life together has left it's mark on you. You are such a faithful wife, committed to this marriage, with 20 years to your credit.
When I learned that my sister had a serious mental illness that had gone un-diagnosed for over 50 years, it was shocking. It was so confusing. Of course there is no relation between the two mental illnesses, this is just about our similar struggle through being close to someone who suffers with a mental illness that was never detected or explained until now. Do not minimize how significant this event is to the entire family. It explains the things that no one else ever could. It is an opening in the sky that fills the air with answers! It has the power to set each of you free within your marriage.
Since he is not going to change, and many of his annoying habits are part of his syndrome, they are simply features that he cannot entirely understand himself, and very difficult to change, especially at this point in his life.
So lets talk about you. You have found you own ways to deal with him, some healthy, others less healthy. What we need is to find ways for you to deal with this in a way that is both constructive and leaves you feeling empowered.
I would suggest that you seek individual therapy, in order to teach you the skills you need to best handle your husband in a way that does not leave you feeling overwhelmed, depressed, alone and resentful. We have to find you personal happiness, within the confines of your marriage. Just that alone, (although no easy task at first) could be enough to change the atmosphere in your home. That will then change the feelings for your husband and most of all your feelings about you.
Another point of focus could be finding coping skills that you can use to dis-allow your husbands use of manipulation from working with you anymore.
I would encourage you to make a list of the behaviors that bother you most, and have the biggest after effect on your personal self esteem.
Another list could be of incidents where you tend to shut him down, leaving you will feelings of guilt and anger.
Be as specific as possible, as this could end up being the check list of items that would have the most impact when overcome.
When our similar event happened to me recently, when I found a title to what my sister had been living with (sociopath), I chose to use a therapist to unravel the relationship between myself and her. I could not create any change in her, but I could change myself, my way of thinking and my response to her. My mother took the same stance, seeing another therapist about their relationship. My father does not believe in talking things out, so he left himself out until decision time.
I had a whole collection of issues to sort through because my entire childhood had been altered by this person in my life. I had developed some pretty nasty reactions to her, which the therapist helped me realize...another thing I could change.
So, that's just what we did..The therapist had me spread them all out (3 X 5 note cards with the issues you listed before written on them), looked at them, and pondered them together. Suddenly the items of in-importance popped right out, and were tossed. The pile was already shrinking!
From there, we would note different ideas on the other cards, working on them over a few months, and by then I had it! I want that for you.
The therapist separated the behaviors into consistent, and non-consistent..It would work the same for you and your husband. If his behavior was consistent with his disorder, you could immediately recognize it, drop it, give yourself a little smile inside, and go on. It is not his fault, and reacting with anger will only do harm to yourself. You can free yourself of undue stress just like that...of course with practice and the encouragement of your therapist.
If an issue came up where his behavior was not consistent with his disorder, this is when you use responses that are custom designed especially for your situation, by your therapist and yourself. These responses would not be dis-respectful to him, rather be encouraging, and would re-direct his focus on whatever the problem it is to something else, something healthy and empowering to YOU.
That is how is dealt with my sister, using the help of a therapist. Allowing all the previous drama and ill will towards her to be released was so freeing. It lifted like a weight off my shoulders.
The most important part of all was allowing myself forgiveness for what I had not understood before. As am empathic person, which I see you to be as well, all the guilt and shame floated on the top like oil on water. You mentioned how terrible it felt to give your husband the cold shoulder at times...that reminded me so much of myself. I needed to forgive myself for my bad behavior in the whole thing. It wasn't his forgiveness I needed, it was my own, and I was able to do that. A huge door was opened in my life...I want that for you too.
I hope this is not a confusing mess. It took me a few try's to get through it, but it was important to give you the best support I could.
My goodness, you could be describing my Husband too! I have also come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers. Sadly he no longer lives with us but visits occasionally. I think that he has a miriad of conflicting inner emotions because of the Aspergers - I agree that I think your husband has it too. As a result my Husband is also completely exhausting to be around as I find I am always trying to make things the way that he wants them. However, often I'll do something one way and that will be wrong, even though before it was quite suitable. He doesn't hold short term memories at all, plays infront of the children, rather than interacting with them. There are such a long list of things - all of them practically a carbon copy of your list.
My husband is not the type to want a diagnosis from anyone so has never been to the doctor for illness let alone mental issues! He has extreme anger issues at times, like a boiling kettle. I know that he means well most of the time but he misses everything that is relevant to my and the children's life. He doesn't see that telling us that he loves us is needed, that visiting us is as much for our comfort as for him etc. etc. It is all very troubling and during our process of reconciliation the thoughts have crossed my mind often about how on earth can I live with this man without reducing myself to a gibbering wreck from exhaustion, stress and the inevitable depression (Cassandra Syndrome). Interestingly my family and friends really like him, and some I think don't believe at all that there is any issue with him. They haven't had to listen to him talk from morning till night on any issue he finds important at the time. He honestly is a broken record at times and I can so identify with you listening to him talk about something for 30 minutes without even saying anything and him not even noticing!
How are things now? Do you have a diagnosis? Any ideas on the future?
Originally Posted by Foreverseeking
Before I begin I want to say "yes, I know it's best to seek a professional for diagnosis", however, because that is not possible right now I thought first hand knowledge may be very helpful. There is so much to say, I don't know where to begin. Perhaps background info. is unnecesary at this point, so I will try to keep it relevant. The issue? MY 45 YR. OLD HUSBAND HAS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH HIM AND IF IT'S NOT ASPERGERS, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GIVE UP. I have labeled his oddness as "quirks". Here are some of his quirks:
-seemingly uncontrollable ability to stop talking
-inability to pick up on social cues (physical and verbal)
-misinterpreting people's tone
-inability to understand or properly talk to children
-hyper-senstive in crowds (yet, misses things going on around him)
-very dramatic, overreacts
-treats people of authority no differently and often disrespectfull
-extremely emotional (questionably unnatural attachment to things and certain people).
-Seems to think things should run perfectly, and so has to comment negatively on everything and anything that isn't perfect.
-obsesses over things like certain interests, or trying to find a lost item.
-immaturity (I have to remind him he's the adult when he's fighting over the television with our 6 year old).
-anger issues (perhaps a reaction to expectation of a perfect world)
-Been told by various doctors over the years that he has ADHD, addictive personality, obsessive compulsive tendencies, paranoia, depression, bipolar,anxiety,....
-very low self-esteem
-is exhausting to be around, and most people (even family) take only take him in short doses.
-highly intelligent with a photographic memory
-talks about things others are not interested in. Once he spoke for 30 minutes about headlights, while I said nothing. Didn't matter that I was not interested.
-does not like to be interupted, but will interupt others
I think I can go on and on. The point is, over the years I have wondered if he was narcisistic, if he has a personality disorder, if it's all symptomatic of ADHD, or perhaps he has a non-verbal learning disability. He does not seem to want to know what's wrong and often says he don't have a problem. He seems to be out of line, or inappropriate consistantly throughout the day. I feel like he should not be around people. I feel like his mother, correcting him, re-teaching our daughter how to properly speak to people, pulling him away from situations, etc.. Now, I do not want to go anywhere with him. What is wrong with him?! I am aware that many issues/disabilities overlap and that some things could just be his personality or perhaps gender differences...that's what makes this so complicated. I just need to know I'm not crazy or just trying to seek perfection in him.
I am not sure how I can convince him to get a mental health assessment but I do know that I need a diagnosis. Perhaps if I knew why he behaved the way he does, we could research and learn how to live with it. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with his behaviour.
WOW! Sounds like my sons father. I know he has AS, just not DX. My son has AS and is now 18but has had support since very young. You as with me seen the result of not being DX(not unusual as folks were not Dx with a form of autism back when we were young. I also believe hisfather also is on the spectrum (he is 75)! Everything you noted is classic AS behaviors! Enbrace your man and tell him this knowledge may save his life and future. I would not of left my sons father if he would of accepted help( which he need so badly). He has since been arrested,jobless and I believe even homeless. My son also has JIO-rare opteoprosis disease and a FX hip. He is aware of his DX of Aspergers and is still learning how this affects his life. He just finished HS with high honors.