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Old 01-02-2011, 03:58 PM   #1
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Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Before I begin I want to say "yes, I know it's best to seek a professional for diagnosis", however, because that is not possible right now I thought first hand knowledge may be very helpful. There is so much to say, I don't know where to begin. Perhaps background info. is unnecesary at this point, so I will try to keep it relevant. The issue? MY 45 YR. OLD HUSBAND HAS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH HIM AND IF IT'S NOT ASPERGERS, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GIVE UP. I have labeled his oddness as "quirks". Here are some of his quirks:

-seemingly uncontrollable ability to stop talking
-inability to pick up on social cues (physical and verbal)
-misinterpreting people's tone
-self-absorbed
-inability to understand or properly talk to children
-hyper-senstive in crowds (yet, misses things going on around him)
-very dramatic, overreacts
-treats people of authority no differently and often disrespectfull
-extremely emotional (questionably unnatural attachment to things and certain people).
-Seems to think things should run perfectly, and so has to comment negatively on everything and anything that isn't perfect.
-obsesses over things like certain interests, or trying to find a lost item.
-immaturity (I have to remind him he's the adult when he's fighting over the television with our 6 year old).
-anger issues (perhaps a reaction to expectation of a perfect world)
-Been told by various doctors over the years that he has ADHD, addictive personality, obsessive compulsive tendencies, paranoia, depression, bipolar,anxiety,....
-very low self-esteem
-is exhausting to be around, and most people (even family) take only take him in short doses.
-highly intelligent with a photographic memory
-talks about things others are not interested in. Once he spoke for 30 minutes about headlights, while I said nothing. Didn't matter that I was not interested.
-does not like to be interupted, but will interupt others

I think I can go on and on. The point is, over the years I have wondered if he was narcisistic, if he has a personality disorder, if it's all symptomatic of ADHD, or perhaps he has a non-verbal learning disability. He does not seem to want to know what's wrong and often says he don't have a problem. He seems to be out of line, or inappropriate consistantly throughout the day. I feel like he should not be around people. I feel like his mother, correcting him, re-teaching our daughter how to properly speak to people, pulling him away from situations, etc.. Now, I do not want to go anywhere with him. What is wrong with him?! I am aware that many issues/disabilities overlap and that some things could just be his personality or perhaps gender differences...that's what makes this so complicated. I just need to know I'm not crazy or just trying to seek perfection in him.

I am not sure how I can convince him to get a mental health assessment but I do know that I need a diagnosis. Perhaps if I knew why he behaved the way he does, we could research and learn how to live with it. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with his behaviour.

 
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Old 01-03-2011, 12:18 PM   #2
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Well he could quite possibly have aspergers.My brother has high fuctioning aspergers, I gre up with it. The best thing to do is to get tested. I also know of a 35 yr old adult with aspergers who had just recently been dignosed and he never expected himself to have it. So it is very possible.

Best wishes, I know it can be hard. My brother has a lot of the same mannersisms as your husband has.

 
Old 01-03-2011, 07:24 PM   #3
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kalyspice View Post
Well he could quite possibly have aspergers.My brother has high fuctioning aspergers, I gre up with it. The best thing to do is to get tested. I also know of a 35 yr old adult with aspergers who had just recently been dignosed and he never expected himself to have it. So it is very possible.

Best wishes, I know it can be hard. My brother has a lot of the same mannersisms as your husband has.
Thank you for commenting. I think I will wait for more feedback before I approach my husband. I'm curious, do you sometimes find it difficult being around your brother?

 
Old 01-04-2011, 06:47 PM   #4
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

I aplologize, i didn't mean to go directly to him or to say anything right away. Various feedback is best, and going to people who you think has aspergers sometimes makes them angry and upset, and they sometimes go into denial.

To answer your question, yes i do find it difficult to be around him sometimes. He makes comments to me quite often that make me terribly angry, and he dosent understand the underlying meaning of things. He is high functioning, he works, and lives on his own. he does very well with us knowing what he has.He`s extremely smart, he could tell you and fix anything on your computer.

I just try to remember that, although he appears (more so is )nurotypical than he is an adult with aspergers, he still dosent think hes doing anything wrong, and he refuses to believe he is.

I have some training in autsim/aspergers. I worked at a summer camp with children with asd(ive sat in on counselling sessions for parents), and I am a human services worker for a 20 yr old adult with severe autism and parkinsons. I do know alot for someone of my age, but everyone within the spectrum is different. Out of the 50+ people ive met within the ASD spectrum, none are even close to being similar.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for

 
Old 01-04-2011, 07:13 PM   #5
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Seeking,

Have these behaviors been going on the entire time you have known your husband? Could they be progressing with age and time? Is he able to work and carry his load of household responsibilities, including parenting your children?

Aspergers can lead to lots of frustration, anxiety and depression...adding to the complexity of treatment. I imagine this takes a huge toll on you and your family. May I ask how long you have been married?

The list you presented speaks loudly of aspergeres syndrome, which has ranges between mild and major. A diagnosis is necessary in order to be treated, and the more you know, the better. I hope you can convince him to seek help, in order to make you marriage more solid, if not to save it from destruction.

Most of all, we are here to support you any way we can. Feel free to share your concerns and fears with us...we understand.

 
Old 01-05-2011, 09:40 PM   #6
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Wow! Thank you both! It means a lot for you to take time to comment to someone you don't even know, so I appreciate it very much.
I have been with my husband for 20 years (I'm 37 and he's 45). Symptoms are definitely worsening with age. I have also become less tolerable. We have gotten to the point where I never stop harping on him. He is ALWAYS doing or saying something inappropriate. Throughout the years there have been excuses: oh he's paranoid because of childhood bullying, he has anger issues because of his parent's divorce, he's highly intelligent and that makes him odd, he's self-centered, immature and needs all my attention....The worst is having to keep telling my daughter that how daddy speaks to people is inappropriate. We were recently on a 7 hour plane ride with a 2 hour stop over and it was awful. I'm not sure if the negativity has anything to do with what's wrong but he seems to always have to point out what people are doing wrong and get upset by it, like they should be following rules. He is SO dramatic, everything is extreme. And the talking! How dare anyone make noise during his murder mysteries, yet he will speak throughout any show someone else is watching. He may not receive much response, in fact the person may not even look at him, but he will continue talking. I have actually unintentionally learned to tune him out as soon as he begins to talk. I know I sound horrible but this is where things have evolved. He is not abusive or anything but is annoying as heck! His mother finds him very difficult to be around as well.
I roll my eyes at his sensitivity. He often cries when he talks about his dad, and speaks in a childlike tone "I love my dad". He can talk about a TV show as if it were his life -gets so compassionate and absorbed. I can tell him I'm not interested, but it doesn't matter, he will share his thoughts...loudly and lengthly.
I have always said he should be a hermit. I have also said that one person cannot have so many things wrong with them. I've felt there was one single thing wrong (and that all else stems from this)...could I have finally found it after so many years??

 
Old 01-06-2011, 01:11 PM   #7
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

We are happy to listen and respond in your support, that is what we are here for.

20 years of this! You must be some sort of angel to have absorbed all this for so long, the sadness and frustration come through in your words. It seems you have been raising an adult rather than having a partner to share your life with.

So, are you saying that the idea of Aspergers Syndrome is a new thought on your part? (just want to be sure I am understanding your clearly) If so, this could explain so much to you. The biggest thing to remember will be that this is a brain disorder that is not his fault.

With the symptoms including such things just as you describe, marriage must be tough, daily life must be tough, and I am sure your concerns over your child's well being are huge. How are you holding up ?

Please feel free to share your feelings here, it is a safe place to get some things off your chest, rant and rave, what ever you need.

I wish I could just jump up and go out to lunch with you right now, and we could talk all about it.

Instead, hopefully we can come up with some ideas to help you, and offer you our support.
janet

 
Old 01-07-2011, 09:37 PM   #8
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Janet, tears and smiles from reading your reply . I can't wait to find a moment to sit and read what you have to say.
I don't think there is anyone I know who asks me how and why I do it. Even his mom is grateful!! I don't know why I stay, comfortable maybe. Perhaps it's because he used to work a lot from home so I didn't see him much. It's been a difficult 20 years for sure. To be honest, we don't have much of a relationship anymore. He makes me feel very anxious. He has come a long way in trying to improve on certain things-like anger and road rage.
Over the years I have looked into so many possibilities, Aspergers was never one of them. I was excited when I realized he had ADHD and thought that was his problem, but that's only a small part.
An update: last night we had a spat because he can't seem to get our daughter to bed without her having a meltdown. I told him I was tired of it and that he should have a way to handle her better by now. He blames it all on her and takes no ownership of the problem. This conversation led me to ask if he would get an assessment if I felt he had a specific disorder. He said he would do anything to find out why so many people hate him. When I mentioned Autism and Aspergers he nearly fell to the floor (literally, because he has to dramatize everything!) and said he saw a show a week ago and recalled saying "that's me". You'd think I would feel good about this, but I think I feel like it's anti-climatic, and I wonder if it will change how I feel. Sometimes I'm optimistic, other times not so much. Right now I am sitting in front of the computer, he is in the same room and he's talking to me about model rockets. He knows have no interest, and it's obvious I'm not listening, but he still goes on and on. At one point he said "oh, I'm sorry you're trying to type and I keep talking"...2 minutes later...blah, blah, blah. I digress. He did an online test that said he was mild to moderate, or high functioning. Not sure how accurate those are, but Aspergers explains EVERYTHING!
I'm afraid he will use it as an excuse. And how do I react differently to his behaviour? Brain disorder or not, he's annoying! I don't know how to get my head, emotions, in a different place. I have years of anger, disappointment, disdain even.
How do I pretend I'm interested in anything he says? In actuality, I have no interest in the things he will talk and talk about.
We were driving today and I remembered when I would have to sit through his road rage and that it doesn't happen anymore BUT I still feel on edge because there seems to always be a situation with him. Why is it I can drive for days and it's uneventful but he's out for 20 minutes and something happens?? He's a great driver, can stop on a dime, can parallel park a train I'm sure . The problem is he will signal at the last minute and if someone don't let him in right away he's squeeze in, the other vehicle have to slam on his brakes. If someone don't let him into a lane he will not believe they didn't see his signal, and rather than slow down and move behind he will speed 30 km over the speed and pull abruptly in front of him. He don't avoid these situations like you or I can most of the time. Instead he seems to put himself into these situations. He expects everyone to follow the rules of the road so it flows like a Hollywood movie....and it's ALWAYS everyone else's fault.
I'm sorry, I seem to have adopted his fondness for chatting. I think lunch would be a little easier lol. Perhaps if you were a wee bit closer lol.

Thank you so much again. Perhaps this will help put you to sleep

 
Old 01-08-2011, 05:10 PM   #9
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Wow, Aren't you a beautiful writer...

Funny, as I write this my man is talking to me about something I have no interest in. but unlike you, I was able to simply give him a look (with a smile on my face), point to the keyboard and he won't say another word. This after only 7 years of training. My friend, it isn't fair.

Believe it or not, I have lived a similar situation for 50 years, my entire life. For the first 49 years, I have had a sister that is just crazy.She has run our family into the ground our entire lives. She never failed to have the most outrageous problems of anyone in this world. I am talking WEIRD...one small example-

She impersonates CIA, FBI, bounty hunter, Iraqi war veteran with bullets in her hip (she is a 53 year old woman) at our liquor store, dog breeder, Indian medicine woman (we are white as lilies), to name a few. Everyone she meets, she becomes them. She lies as smoothly as a river flows. blah blah blah.

We could never understand who in the world could live like this? She was as mean as a snake to our family, vicious. We could never figure out what was wrong with her, and we all changed our lives to avoid her or keep her from attacking us verbally. Holidays were terrible. My sweet mother would hold two of every holiday dinner, so we never had to meet. My only sister! I wanted a sister my whole life and couldn't have one. The more I tried, the worse it got.

About a year ago, a word popped into my mind...sociopath. I typed it in and had the same aha moment you are having right now. It was perfect, explained everything to a tee. I couldn't wait to tell my parents. W sat down and went over the list together, and were all floored.

Now comes the good part...we got counseling. We learned exactly what family members of sociopath's should do. She had no part of it, but it did not matter. We found what we needed to do.

There is similar information available for families of Aspergers as well ! You can learn all about it, and how to make your life easier, keep your feelings protected, and what to simply ignore. This is a wonderful moment for you!

Even here on the Healthboards we a board that is related..."families of the mentally ill" is one that comes to mind.

You are a wonderful patient woman, I give you all the credit. This is something you can work with, and with your new understanding life could become much easier in the near future.

I had to laugh at the road rage story...maybe just men are similar, but I am with you. My man can't drive without some sort of need to yell out in the car. It makes me jump every time. I never have a problem either.

Although I bet you would still be trying to drown out your hubby, mine has fallen asleep. I give you so much credit.

Your friend...Janet

 
Old 01-08-2011, 08:41 PM   #10
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

lol looks don't make any difference, or else he will misread it, or after 5 minutes he'll begin again. Hours, he will talk to me about automobiles, model airplanes, or real life murder mysteries (and often it's repeats of things he's said many times before).
WOW you must have had the same kind of life as myself. How is your sister now? Is she aware of her condition? Is it easier for you now? I suppose it will always require some degree of work having her in your life. Knowing has to help.

I apologize, but I don't recall who in your life has Aspergers. Does your husband, or is he just being a man . I must admit, the lines between behaviour due to a condition or behaviour due to something as benign as gender differences is clouded for me. He just seems to be extreme in everything he does. Just now he screamed after putting his hand in dish water saying it was scalding. It was hot but not enough to scream about! I told him one day he will scream for serious help and I will ignore him (as I do now). He says his skin is highly sensitive.

How much do you know about Aspergers.
Most of the information I have found is on children. You're right, I do need help to know how to respond to certain situations. It's pretty much the same issues over and over again. I do worry that I have become numb and very unsympathetic. I really don't like his personality anymore. I get so confused. I question my negativity - does he deserve it? Would he be better off without hearing the anger, disappointment, frustration, disgust, in my voice on a daily basis? Another part of me says don't give up, you've come this far and will accept this challenge. I've lived most of my adult life for him.

Whoever you are, you are a wonderful person. Thank you for caring.

 
Old 01-09-2011, 03:07 AM   #11
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

have a look at the leaky gut website and also The gaps diet which is used to treat children and adults with autism/aspergers.....there have been wonderful results..hope this helps...

 
Old 01-09-2011, 01:13 PM   #12
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

I do not have anyone with Aspergers...

I could just relate to having someone with an undiagnosed mental disorder in my life for so many years.

As far as my sister, we had to cut her off completely. That was the advice given us by professionals specializing in sociopath's. She will never seek treatment and does not recognize her horrible behavior. Her destiny is likely to be jail or a mental ward, as her illness is progressive and it turns out her birth mother had the same condition.

Of course, that is not your situation...but the more we know, the more we can deal with whatever is on our plate. I did happen to watch a several week long trial on Court TV that had to do with a high school aged child with Aspergers Syndrome, and I learned so much about this challenging disorder. I am no expert, by any means, but I am happy to support you.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 06:47 PM   #13
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

janee15: I'm sorry. I don't understand the connection.

Last edited by Foreverseeking; 01-12-2011 at 06:50 PM. Reason: no mention of who I was responding

 
Old 01-12-2011, 07:09 PM   #14
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Writeleft: Yes, I suppose if anyone can understand, it would be you. I'm sorry about your sister. It really is too bad and so difficult to understand. Sometimes I wonder how much of the problem is being so different from him. He seems to always be looking for some sympathetic understanding, or some connection with me, but I turn a cold shoulder, have for years. We've done counselling but that seems to either result in my being told to leave him or tools on how to deal with specific issues like helping with housework. Each time I've gone to see someone I've wanted to deal with the big picture. Not knowing what that is, it's difficult to know what I want. It's odd....I don't want to leave. Why? I don't know. I mean I don't enjoy being around him really. In relationships we should get something from one another, to learn things, to be inspired, but I don't feel like I get anything. Do I stay because of our daughter? Because I'm comfortable after 20 years? or because I'm not financially able??? I just don't know. Then I wonder if people can live together and figure out a way to be somewhat normal, by figuring out what works for them?? But what about affection? Well, I don't feel this emotion much. It's just not there-like I'm numb. Is this a bad thing? It doesn't seem to bother me, but maybe that's because I don't know any different.

 
Old 01-13-2011, 08:53 AM   #15
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Re: Aspergers, or maybe he's just wierd??!

Hello again my friend...I am off to the doctor, but will respond when I come home again. You pose some very difficult questions, and I will be happy to go through them with you as soon as I can...Hang in there...

 
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