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Old 03-17-2011, 04:00 AM   #1
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How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I almost certainly have AS and have been amazed at how many AS men have relationships. This is a hard thing to do for AS men...I thought so anyway. I want to ask the women, what do you see in them, why do they attract you?

I have AS but have never had a real relationship. Ive sort of moved into fantasy relationships becasue of this. This has actually caused me to learn some Italian and try to emigrate to Australia so it hasnt been bad. I used to be a bit of a square and a lot of professionals laughed me off when I tried to get a diagnosis. I wont have anything to do with these patronising people who cant actually get to know me and since the reccession and expenses scandal have lost faith in society.

Due to being naturally weaker than others Ive told a few lies. Its my compensation for having AS. I dont go over the top but I am seen as a bit of a rebel yet dont have no romantic hope. Ive seen some men much worse than me in relationships - did they just drift together with a local woman? Do women get sick of normal guys who follow their mates and football?
How is it that so many men with AS (and problems worse than mine) can actually attract a partner?

 
Old 03-18-2011, 08:21 PM   #2
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I think probably because such man looks vulnerable. Also lots of women have no clues about Asperger's anyway. It is not obvious and usually you don't tell her that when you date the lady anyway. The other thing is if the man has good career or is well off, the woman does not mind to help him out if he has social problems. But I don't think all women like to help out vulnerable men. It depends on the woman's personality. Sometimes if the woman is introvert and likes to be quiet, then she can be attracted to man like you. But you should know that nobody knows that you have AS on a date if you know what I mean. Not to lie but try to act out naturally. Being polite and etc.

Hope this helps,
NC

 
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:50 PM   #3
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I once read an article that claimed that a lot of alleged Asperger sufferers are actually self-diagnosed and probably don't truly have Aspergers at all. This was in reference to a different article, which described the difficulties that parents with Aspergers face.

The article went on to say that true Asperger sufferers with classic symptoms probably would not ever be married or in an intimate relationship in the first place, let alone have children.

Of course one must take everything one reads with a grain of salt, especially when two different articles completely contradict each other. Who knows?

 
Old 03-19-2011, 10:04 AM   #4
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I think Kali's comments are true for older men. In the old times no one cared about Asperger's and had no such notion. Also in a society where women tend to marry and serve the husband in older generations, things like Asperger's does not seem to be an issue.
e.g., I guess my FIL has Asperger's but it is not diagnosed. It is just a guess from his behaviors. For his late wife, it was a virtue to serve him as a wife even though she was a serious career woman herself. It is the old concept. She just said it is the way he was born.

It is true though it is dangerous to self-diagnose without any proof. Sometimes maybe a guy just needs to socialize more and there are also other factors such as war or lost a parent as a young child and etc. Also I am sure there are different levels of Asperger's.

Nina

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-20-2011 at 08:41 AM. Reason: Please reply to the original poster. Thanks.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 10:30 AM   #5
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I think what Kali referred in the article for people with Asperger's seems a little biased. Of course all the reports or studies have their own merits, but I don't think the society can really judge a man with Asperger's and say he cannot be intimate or get married or have kids. This is not fair to these men. It all depends on the mate who marries or loves the man. If the woman is willing to have a child and raise him for the man, why not? It is their own business. Frankly can all parents say they are perfect just because they are "normal"? Why only these men with Asperger's cannot have children "probably"?
Some men have high IQs and are genius. The children can even inherit good genes. It is a matter of how and who will raise these children. The man may not care so much about raising kids, but the society has so many supports for a family. Besides, if the Dad is nice to the son, what is the problem here even if there is some little Asperger's going on?

The studies may investigate the disease but I don't think the scientists have a right to "write people off" like that.

Regards,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-20-2011 at 10:33 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 04:45 AM   #6
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I agree that there is a lot of self diagnosis. I dont think its a bad thing. Im 29 and have had AS type symptoms all my life. I am a graduate and well read. I dont think MY self diagnosis is bad. I have however rejected some of the label and only talk about my AS behind closed doors.

I dont believe men with even profound AS are incapable for relationships, most I know are quite keen. The problem generally is that someone with AS will find it hard to have work and live an interesting life - they are thus not attractive partners. 200 years ago it wasnt a problem, we had patriarchy and women were more keen to get married than today. There were arranged marriages. We also generally lived in small towns with more labouring work rather than work involving communication. This life made it easier for AS men to get partners.

Kali is completely right, there are a lot of intellectuals who are fine thinking they have AS. These people are creating, in the media, an incorrect view of aspergers (I guess higher functioning AS that is). If a man can hold down a job and career (outside IT), then he cant have too much AS; is well off; or maybe mistaken that he has AS.

 
Old 03-24-2011, 12:37 PM   #7
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I'm a landlady to a diagnosed Aspie. We are both 58 and have become good friends. I'd be interested in pursuing something more permanent, but he's been through a bad marriage and has unfulfilled dreams which he would like to work toward. What attracts me to him mostly is his integrity. It's amazing, these days, to find any man with consistant integrity. He's intelligent, considerate, gentle, spiritual, and positive. We are on a journey of friendship. I've experienced his meltdowns from time to time. They are difficult, but for some reason seem to deepen our relationship rather than cause division. We are both learning more about one another through the tough times and enjoying one another's company. He's discovering more about himself, also, and about NTs. It's an exciting journey for both of us. I'm grateful for the support team he has that makes his life much easier, and mine too, for that matter. It's all good, even the bits that are difficult.

 
Old 03-24-2011, 01:43 PM   #8
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

women find themselves with all kinds of men.....
I found myself with men with various mental health issues......bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, depressed, PTSD, narcississtic personality disorder, etc.
women (and men) end up mismatched sometimes and settle all the time.....

 
Old 04-17-2011, 05:20 AM   #9
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I have a friend who has this and he always seems to be in and out of relationships and falls hard either way, i think he became too clingy but no one could tell him politely to hold back a little, so he scared them off...shame really because he is a top bloke, he did put the hard words on me once but i am 11 years older, lol

 
Old 04-17-2011, 01:45 PM   #10
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

Just remember not only is Asperger's self diagonsed in some men, it is a spectrum disorder. Asperger's is on top of the spectrum. I encourage those who may have it and are guessing they have it to have a psychatrst diagnose you. It does not take away anything from you, it would only make more sense to you as to why you may do certain behaviors.
Asperger's is not only a person with social problems. Far from the truth. Their are more behavioral chacteristics for it to be true Asperger's. The lack of eye contact, the obsessions, focusing on their topic of interests only, not interested in anything else but theirs. Converation is difficult because a true asperger's individual will go back to his topic of interest. They may collect things that are very interesting to them and nobody else. Maybe bottles, or cans. Their voices are monotone. Flat no up and down even voice changes even when excited.
Since it is a spectrum disorder their will be lower functioning Aspie's and higher functioning. But they will share many of the same behaviors .
In Asperger's they want to have friends, and relationships, they just don't know how, unless have had social skills training as a part of their education.
Of course A asperger's male is like any other man , will be interested in girls. Some might fall in love with a movie actress... Some may have a girlfriend he has gone to school with most of his life. She knows and accepts him for who he is, and tolerates the obsessions.
ASperger's people are average to above average ntelligence. If the ladyfriend can overlook some of these aspoe traits , then they can build a trusting relationship.
i also know this , Not all Aspie's disordered people have that intelligence. they can in fact be below average. In this case more traits will easily be seen and ir will be harder for the person to form relationships.
My 17 year old son has a diagnoses of autism> however, he is high functioning . He was labeled as having autism at 4 years old. In 09 he was re evaualted by a neuropsycholgist. The neuro had him do tests, my son asked the Dr. how old he was and instantly knew what year he was born. That is what my son is into dates , and names of actors acteress and pretty good at it too. Labeled autistic, he's verbal but one thing, hos IQ is mild to moderate delayed. He got the autism diagnoses because of the speech delay he had when very young. in Asperger's children start talking very early age. and not typically have a lowered IQ.

Last edited by mscat40; 04-17-2011 at 01:54 PM.

 
Old 05-29-2011, 12:30 PM   #11
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Smile Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I am dating an aspie and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He has his moments of insensitivity but he tries so hard to do anything for me. He has a big heart and the challenges that he deals with day to day makes him a better person he's sees aspergers as a hinderance and a disability but in reality to most people they cant tell when someone has aspergers unless you are around them a lot. People with aspergers are some of the strongest people because a good number of them rise up above there difficulties and accomplish a lot. However there are also a good many of them that wallow in self pity and never do anything because all they can see is " whats wrong with them"

 
Old 05-29-2011, 02:21 PM   #12
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

Bued, I can relate to your reponse in that my best friend who is aspie is also sweet and considerate, as well as direct and sometimes insensitive. It's all just who he is and it's a package deal. I've learned to love him as he is. And he's learned to appreciate the value of his differences. Did you know that aspies are becoming more and more sought after in the areas of sciences, maths, military, etc because they are so focused.

I met my friend some years after his divorce from a woman who suffered with depression. He was caregiver for her and his two children. Then he spent some years as caregiver for his aging parents. He was diagnosed about 7 years ago and he's 59 now. Same age as me. I have great admiration for what he has done already with his life. He did all this while holding a full-time career as a graphic artist.

Now he's just finding himself and healing and doing a bit of entrepreneurial work. He's a man of courage and integrity. That is what appeals to me. Like many aspies, he's not comfortable with touching or intimacy, so I respect that...although, I do get in a hug now and again. Can't help it. Gotta hug this guy especially after a strained discussion or awkward moment.

I think if you seek to been a man of good character, from the inside out, and be accepting of who you are, you will be attractive. (And I just realized I've answered this query once before. Hope that's okay.)

 
Old 08-17-2011, 07:55 PM   #13
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I've not actually met anyone that I know had this diagnosis. I can only speak for myself as a male with this diagnosis: no romantic relationships, no dates. I could have had sex, but knowing the persons had no feelings for me as a person really killed it for me, that and I wasn't attracted to the women specifically in each case. The only loving relationship I've had was with my cat, my parents were certainly not there for me nor were any of my relatives, teachers, whatever. I think my cat thought I was her kitten or something.

Early childhood experiences make trust very difficult for me and other adulthood experiences put the nails in the coffin.

 
Old 08-22-2011, 12:59 AM   #14
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

I am 21 years old and have AS, I am already married (I know what you're thinking: too young.), and are having our first anniversary in 2 weeks, we are not having any unusual problems in our relationship. Most of our arguments are about our apartment's feng shui.
I didn't tell my wife that I suffered from AS until 3 months ago, at first she did not believe me, so she asked my mother who confirmed it, needless to say she was surprised.

Through my own observations and, for lack of a better word, "experiments" I have found that when other people are told that I have AS when we first meet, I am excluded immediately from their social group and treated as if I were stupid. Through this observation I have concluded that the best way for me to maximise my potential, I must conceal the fact that I have a brain disorder.

When we truly understand something. Only then can we begin to manipulate it, I have been hiding my AS from the world for almost 10 years now, and no-one, save for my wife and immediate family, know that I have AS.

Most men with AS can enter into and maintain relationships because they hide the fact that they have AS, and they hide it very well, it is the only way we are socially accepted by others.

 
Old 08-22-2011, 01:06 AM   #15
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Re: How come there are a lot of Asperger men in relationships?

the Asperger's syndrome makes us impatient, don't jump straight in the sack, find a girl you find attractive, get to know her, become friends, then see where it goes, but be patient, believe me when I say that the waiting will drive you crazy, but you will be better off for it..

 
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