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Old 04-20-2011, 05:03 PM   #1
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Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

My BF has asperger's, he told me about it before we properly started dating, and I looked it up and read what I could. I told him it was fine, that I liked him for who he was and not to worry about it.
We've been together almost 4 months now, and for the most part things are great, he's a lovely guy, and I've introduced him into social situations with my friends and he seem's to cope and enjoy them ok.
There's a few other things bothering me though, like he'll say things and not realise how it could come across, and I'm not sure if its part of his condition or not, and I don't want to be angry or upset about it, if he simply doesn't realise, and its part of this. Or if he's just being a typical insensitive male haha.
He also seem's really paranoid about losing me, to the point its abit of a downer, is insecurity a part of all it too.
I just want to know what I should be doing/saying/acting as a GF in this situation. Should I just treat him like a normal guy, or should I make allowances for the aspergers?

 
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:01 PM   #2
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

Hi there,
The thing is he is a guy, but has a autistic spectrum disorder. Your going to have to make exeptions . Especially when it comes to social gatherings. He might say things that are out of context, or embarassing. NOT meaning to do so. Asperger's thinking are very concrete, and might not have all the abilites a "normal" guy has. That does not mean you treat him differently, but could help him when he does slip up. This also might be his first real relationship with a female so he will be more scared of losing you , even more protective . Hopefully not possessive of you. Maybe you will need to have more patience too. I think it is very great that you like him and can handle some of his differences and accept him for who he is.

 
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:09 AM   #3
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

I had a big talk last night with him, and mistakenly told him I'd been reading up on aspergers, he didn't react well, he felt now I know what to "look out for" and that I've actually read about his biggest secret that I'm now going to see him for the "retard" he is (his words not mine) and leave him, said its just a matter of time. I tried explaining that I've only looked up stuff to try and understand better, so I can be a better GF, and not be all in his face when he does something in a social situation, or withdraws from it etc.
He said he's ashamed of the fact he has aspergers, and I felt awful for mentioning it. Took me ages to calm him down and reassure him that nothing has changed, that I still feel the same way about him and he's not all suddenly different etc, and that I'm NOT going to leave him cause of it.
I shouldn't of opened my mouth about it at all >.< I made him feel so bad.
But like my original post says I was just wanting to know more, so I could make allowances for certain things etc.

 
Old 04-21-2011, 12:17 PM   #4
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

I bet he was teased as a child by other kids... Other kids who did not understand . It was just a sore spot , and he probably really felt like he was going to lose you. it seems like you are wonderful with him. I think that is great that you will stay with him, and help him. He is lucky your with him and are not going to run away just because he has some chalenges. I hope someday my own son will meet a girl that can be so patient and understanding as you.

 
Old 04-22-2011, 08:41 AM   #5
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

Quote:
Originally Posted by mscat40 View Post
I bet he was teased as a child by other kids... Other kids who did not understand . It was just a sore spot , and he probably really felt like he was going to lose you. it seems like you are wonderful with him. I think that is great that you will stay with him, and help him. He is lucky your with him and are not going to run away just because he has some chalenges. I hope someday my own son will meet a girl that can be so patient and understanding as you.
I'm sure he will!
Thank you, this is part of what makes him.. him and I wouldn't change any of him
Its nice to be reassured that I'm doing ok with him, he seems alot more relaxed now, think if I just keep reassuring him I'm not going anywhere he'll eventually not worry at all.

 
Old 05-07-2011, 09:34 PM   #6
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

Astra Mill

"There's a few other things bothering me though, like he'll say things and not realise how it could come across, and I'm not sure if its part of his condition or not, and I don't want to be angry or upset about it, if he simply doesn't realise, and its part of this. Or if he's just being a typical insensitive male haha."

You should just let them go theres so many times my mates randomly exploded with rage from simple misunderstandings with stuff that I have said to him and its really bad. Sometimes he will say stuff back to me and even I think it sounds really offensive but I really dont mean to be. For example I will say the reason why they shouldn't of done something out of respect but this can sound really offensive like I didnt appreciate what they did. I think this is because I say it in the wrong tone of voice and it comes across direspectfully. Not really 100% sure why they find it offensive to be honest.

You should just ignore what he says if you think its offensive or he's being rude or disrespectful. You should also take the topic of sex slowly unless you know he actually wants to talk about it or have sexual interactions.

I remember a girl my freind arranged a date with for me and all she talked about was sex and she even put her arm around me after I bought her dinner and she was touching me etc for the rest of the day and most people with aspergers dont really like people touching them unless they want you too. I think she must of thought that I would of been easy to loose her virginity too as I come across as a shy and typical geeky virgin. On the day I did let her go way past with what I was comfortable with without saying anything. She even tryed to touch my penis at one point.... Even though she thought I liked her because I was so nice to her, That was actually the last time she saw me as I really hated my time with her and really couldn't stand her. Now that I actually think about it I think I may have appeared to have wanted sex after just realising that I was being nice to her while she was talking about sex. This is a classical social misunderstanding that somebody with aspergers may be totally oblivious about what kind of message there sending out. (This is actually the first time I realised what social message I was sending out to her :S)

Dont let any of these quirks put you off though people with aspergers are normally really kind people although he may seem rude or offensive in certian social situations but he means to be anything but offensive. Don't forget these misunderstandings are also very stressful for you boyfreind which will create many challenges in his life. As I know from personal experiences.

I should of kept this a bit shorter and more to the point really but I do hope it helps you understand your boyfreind more or maby other people with relationships or freindships with people who have aspergers.

Last edited by Mikes1992; 05-07-2011 at 09:38 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2011, 04:37 PM   #7
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

What a wonderful GF you are! My 10 yr old nephew was recently diagnosed and as I learn more and hear stories of abuse, taunting, disloyalty and basically messed up lives I fear for him more and more. It warms my heart to know there are kind, gentle women like you who are willing to look past some of the ugliness to the beauty within. I hope there are as many of you one THIS side of the pond.

 
Old 05-29-2011, 11:53 AM   #8
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

I am engaged to a man with aspergers more than likely he doesnt mean to be insensitive if he is so concerned about losing you. I have learned that tho there are some difficulties that you will face aspergers doesnt have to be a disability my man would do anything in the world for me and your bf is doing more for you then you might realize just going out into a social setting with people that he doesnt know is a big step for him and pushes him beyond his comfort zone this is one way hes trying to say he will do it for you. And yes they really dont like being "read up on". Just being accepting is the best way to show him your trying to be the best gf you can. Dont give up just because of asperger's my man is most amazing guy I have ever dated and I would go through any of the difficulties we face 10x over...

 
Old 05-29-2011, 12:09 PM   #9
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

One of the aspects of ASD is not being sensitive to how your remarks will impact others. Having an aspie as my best friend, that was difficult to cope with in the beginning. He was always truthful and direct, whether the subject was sensitive or not. But I came to understand he only meant well.

I've decided I want to focus on being friends first. Our relationship hopefully will one day go beyond that. He certainly believes in commitment and has needed reassurances that I accept him as he is. We've gotten to the point of being able to carefully discuss sensitive issues. If the discussion gets a little difficult, we draw it to a close before it goes too far, and pick it up again at a later date when we've both had a chance to mull over our points of view. We often find that, apart from the emotion, we agree more than we disagree. It's often semantics that are the *****ly part of our exchanges.

So if you really want to invest in your relationship, hang in there and be flexible and patient. I'm finding it's worth the occasional angst.

 
Old 05-29-2011, 07:54 PM   #10
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Re: Advice for dating someone with Asperger's

Oh yeah. Aspergers is really kinda silly in that way (I use silly because it helps me. Your results may vary.) I can read emotions well...but i dont express them well. Really i have no idea how to do it, youd htink 20 years would be enough time but..

I will eventually start being a social mimic -- copying the traits of people im talking to in an attempt to make things a little less akward.

This really is just bad wording. Ive gotten into the habit of putting thati nformation at the bottom of all my posts: "I cant remember was I was going with my original point." is a big one. My boyfriend will get a bit anoyed when i tag 30 different topics in one sentence.

As far as i can tell, yeah, we do NOT like giving up things we love. But we also dont get..whats the word..scary over it? I spend a whole lot of time diong anything i can for my boyfriend out of this constant insecurity.

Ive found no solution because you cant make a relationship permanent guaranteed. I hate to use these words but its something you'll have to work on a lot.

A word of caution, about a couple things that are hard to communicate: "I know how youre feeling, but I dont know how to react to it" will be the response your boyfriends aiming for, whether or not the words are used. And one thing that can lead to stupid arguments:

Aspergers folks are prone to suddenly and for no clear reason taking something you said to be absolutely literal. I have NO explination for this one. Theres no pattern to it and its highly confusing, as its plucked out at random. This can lead to some very bizarre actions.

Though, in my experience, the best thing to do would be talk about it privately with your boyfriend. Its finding a way to talk to him while maintaing safe (emotionally)actions. Once we start to cry from fear, its probably a good idea to break the conversation.

And if its any hope? Once he realizes that yes, you ARE someone he can trust, thigns get very much better. I talk about 30x more to my boyfriend in 3 years than i have in my first 20 years of life.

 
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