My 21st anniversary is Monday, and I cannot imagine how I have made it this long with him. I would love to talk to any other NTs who have managed to form relationships that worked, with an Aspie. It is a daily struggle, and if I had but known then, what I know now, I am not sure what I would have done. Anyone else?
I have been married to one for 27 years and it is hell most of the time.
I wish I could help you. My only advice is to make a life and support system for yourself that does not depend on this man. It can be church or bridge club or any type of situation.
Also, one of my main plans is to move close to my oldest son and daughter in law as soon as possible, when Aspie husband can retire as soon as youngest graduates college. Oldest son is not Aspie and will help me care for this man. You cannot care for an aging Aspie and they will not care for you either. I mean medical care. An Aspie will argue till the cows come home if he has any medical issue and has to see an MD so unless it is an emergency, and you call 911, it will take you about 2 years of arguing to get him in to do proper medical testing, and then when the test comes back positive, he will interpret in his Aspie-planet way to be a perfect medical test, because that is how they are. They are totally bright enough to find things on the internet to support what they want to believe and their bodies are totally perfect in every way, so they could not possibly have sleep apnea or osteopenia, even if their medical tests say that they do.
The only relationship you will have will be one sided and one dimensional. I'm sorry. They think that you think and feel exactly like they do. Watch the movie Adam I think. In there the man saw two racoons at the park and told his date that it made him "horny" and did it make her feel that way too? I saw this so long ago, that I may be getting some details wrong here, but it was hilarious. Mozart and The Whale was another good Aspie relationship movie.
I promise I will try not to be so negative. I have gotten to the point where if I ever google Asperger marriages I put a plus positive experiences so I only read about those. I have a book about being married to one so ask me the name and I"ll look for it.
Regards and best wishes
Last edited by moderator2; 07-31-2011 at 05:45 PM.
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The following user gives a hug of support to jacrhat: suzischnauzer (07-31-2011)
Thanks for responding. You have described my husband perfectly in regards to the medical thing. Mine has one kidney, not 100% functioning. His blood pressure is bad, but he won't take the three medications he is supposed to take for it, unless I put them in is hand. He also is supposed to take prozac, it really helps with is anger problem, but again, not unless I hand it to him, with a glass of water.
He is 49. I am 58. I am disabled on SS, but he still acts like I am the person he married who didn't have any health problems. I have had to trick him into a Drs office, to get a suspicious mole looked at. Yep, it was bad, but he has never mentioned how glad he is that I got him in there to get it removed.
He wants to move to Mexico to teach ESL to business people. It would be a good move financially, because of the cost of living being less, and him being able to make a good living teaching. Spanish is his "thing". I agreed to go with him, I do love Mexico, and it seemed like a nice retirement option. But then I think about being in a foreign country, with a man who really isn't too concerned at all about me and my needs, and I get scared. My sister thinks I am crazy to even entertain the idea of moving there with him. But she sees his oddness, and it makes her really sad for me.
I can laugh about things now, after all these years. He has gotten worse, about lots of things, and better about a few. He can interact with people so much better now, because I have taught him, although he would deny that it was my doing. But he also drinks, on weekends mostly, and is a snotty, mean drunk. And he drinks to get drunk. I just stay as far away from him as I can, because I am his least favorite person when he drinks, and vice versa.
I love an adventure, so Mexico still sounds lovely, but on some days, well I can't imagine it every happening. It is a matter of trust. And a matter of common sense, if I get sick from one of my several problems, he probably wouldn't be able to get me help. I drove myself to the hospital to have our son. My husband doesn't drive. I have stayed home through some really horrid things that I should have been hospitalized for, but couldn't drive to the hospital, and was too sick to call for an ambulance. And he either wasn't home, or was not grasping the severity of my illness. So yeah, I do get that.
Our son is 20, and starting his Jr year at college, with plans for law school. He has a few traits, bit I think it is more from growing up with his dad, not because he is himself an Aspie. All the men in my husband's family, and his grandmother are Aspies. He and his two brothers. Not his sister but two of her three boys, and my father in law. I was not familiar with Aspergers, and when I was desperately trying to figure out why my husband was the way he was/is, I happened upon a sit that explained Aspergers. WOW, talk about the light bulb over the head! He refuses to go get a diagnosis, but my doctor, who also has been his doctor, when asked by me if she had ever considered the possibility of him having Aspergers, she told me it had crossed her mind more than once. So that is as close to a diagnosis as I can get.
My SIL with the two boys who are affected, had a chat with me, and when I asked if she thought, just maybe, her family had it through the whole group, she said, yes, no doubt in my mind. And this woman deals with two boys on pretty much opposite ends of the Aspergers spectrum. She told me how each of her family members are affected, from her gramma, father, three brothers, and her two sons. No escape. I love my husband, but he is not a person who I would have chosen to spend my golden years with, if I had known. I thought him being 10 years younger, well he would be able to take care of me, not that I knew I would become disabled, I was fine when we married. But being married to an Aspie when you have multiple chronic, incurable, but not life threatening illnesses, HELL ON EARTH.
Keep in touch, please, you understand and no one else can, because this is like a science fiction novel. They are like aliens, but think we are the strange ones. Take care, and write back. I can listen really well. That is me aft4er a weekend with him.
Im 100%$ sure my s/o also has AS, although milder or maybe higher functioning then his two brothers, its really in the whole family and I can see it so clearly, yet no one has eve been diagnosed..he has two sisters and two brother 45 & up that do not work mostly due to ODC Depression anxiety..plus many other facets of AS..the two older brothers have never left home, and I got the baby of the bunch, youngest of 7.. he was living with one of his sisters when I met him. The sisters are not the same as the brothers even though I do see some AS traits( bl/white thinking, theory of mind issues) .. the brothers are very odd, and I still am surprised often by so many things they do such as leaving you in the middle of a conversation and walking away while Im still talking..(my s/o does that too), coming for Christmas yet leaving before the dinner( without saying goodbye) .. or watching these grown men cover their heads with blankets like ET just to shut off the world around them when overwhelmed...sad really. After almost forcing my guy to get a Drs appt for his heartburn, he actually went & had a day surgery done without even tellin me..yet when I was surprised and upset..he said,,,well you sent me to the Dr..obviously you must have known what would happen?? Even our Councillor could not believe that story.
My guy thinks its me most of the time when Im upset..and often feels he did no wrong so I should just be left alone until I get over it...usually..Ive been told Im unreasonable, overly emotional, and over the top..etc etc..lets not forget...not logical..geeze..I often feel like Im talking to a robot as he refuses to address me, comfort me or hug me when Im crying my a$$ off because Im hurt by his actions...however this is only when an issue is attempted to be solved or when I am upset about something he did or didn't do that was strange..like insisting once he should order & receive his meal first at a restaurant because he was hungrier and I wasn't ready to order( he knew right away what he wanted) he was confused as to why he should wait for me to order..( it was very embarrassing) ..he doesn't do that anymore..he has learned much in our four years with regards to my needs..even though I know he really doesn't get it.. his mask works for me..I hope this will always be the case..I do not feel the stability Id like, but man i love him., and he does love me back..even though at times I feel like a piece of gum on the floor and insignificant ti him...I realize that its not him that needs to validate me..its me..however emotions do often blur thhis obvious logic when your heart is ripped out in the same fashion over &over..( like the Groundhog Day movie, some scenes keep seeming to replay..weird). When its good..its really goood..when its bad..well it often feel I may never see him again as he takes off and cuts me from his life, leaves me and runs back to his 80yr old parents, or just disappears inside his head for days while he obviously argues among his ppl in there ( the me's myselfs and I's that is) as he tries his best to figure it all out.. I often wonder whats it all for, and then its all better...and we are back to the love..ahhh yes..the love is grand, he holds my hand, pats my back and I feel loved ..he shows love and I know he feels love for me. His oddness is actually what attracted me to him..yes an alien from another planet, however when we met, I see him as an innocent , and angel sent by God in my time of need ..and I know we have bad days, but the good outnumber the bad by far...now if I were with his brother..well I feel stressed out just after a visit with him at times, and I know many ppl have this experience as well..
Anyhow..Good luck, take care of you, and know that deep down Im sure your aspie partner loves you, even if you have never once felt appreciated..maybe Im just lucky, or my guy is higher functioning then the typical aspie, however his AS traits are more then a few..and I do my best to be happy..I suppose if Im not happy anymore, I would change my situation..