I'm a 39 year old male and a number of things are leading me to believe that I may have Apergers, albeit mildly. I'd really like some opinions since I've never discussed this openly with anyone. Here are the things that I see as being possible signs;
I've suffered on and off with mild to moderate depression since the age of 15. I am usually dissatisfied with some areas of my life, usually work and relationships. I've had three long term relationships, but they always tail off quickly as I appear to be uncaring and prefer to spend time on my own. I get tired of small talk quickly and imagine being with a partner whose conversations have more substance. My current partner says I'm often uncaring and cold, although I'm not really aware of being this way. I take her small talk the wrong way and get angry thinking she's patronising me when really she's just checking that I'm OK. I walk away from arguments and find it very hard to talk about problems, I will sometimes go to sleep with my partner crying in bed next to me as I can't empathise with her and get annoyed that she's keeping me awake and think she's 'putting it on'. I know that sounds terrible, but I do love her. Her 2 girls live with us and I have been unable to form a relationship with them even after four years of living together. The kids make me very frustrated and I can't stand their selfish behaviour (even though I know that's just what kids are like!). I want them to do everything the way I set out, not in the disordered way that kids do. I like spontaneity in my own life, but can be inflexible with others when I've decided on the best way to do something.
I score highly in IQ tests and can achieve most things I set out to do - I qualified as a teacher and then quit teaching as I couldn't really empathise with the kids and felt that the hard work of teaching them wasn't worth it. I am an accomplished musician and listen to / think about music most of the time - the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm playing the drums (turns off the inner dialogue). When I'm at gigs I avoid contact with the audience where possible and only talk to my band mates whom I've known for years. I don't have many friends, although when people get to know me I think I have what they would call a 'normal' relationship with them. I usually avoid eye contact, unless with people I'm very comfortable with. I used to be more relaxed, but I am getting angrier more frequently and I feel this is because I don't have the freedom to be on my own as often as I'd like.
My 4 year old son was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 2. He is very high functioning and intelligent beyond his years. I scored 29 in the AQ test. I feel that I may be borderline, but am not sure. I am able to conduct myself perfectly acceptably in social situations, it's just that I'm not keen on them unless I drink alcohol (which lately is worsening my depression). In the past I have taken all manner of drugs recreationally (but not in an obsessive/addictive way) to break the normality of everyday life and were I not now a father would return to using them, since they filled a 'hole' in my life, i.e. enabled me to relate to people more easily. Despite all of the above, I don't think that anyone except maybe my partner would suspect that I had some sort of 'condition'.
I'd really appreciate any thoughts / comments if any of this makes sense to you. Thanks in advance.
Re: Starting to think I may have Aspergers, opinions?
Just read your post and although I'm no diagnostician, it appears to me that you do indeed have aspergers. I have aspergers as does my 17 yr old son. There is a wonderful book called "The Journal of Best Practices" written by a man with aspergers who is married to a woman who is neuro-typical, it is funny, easy to read and very informative. I think you would find it most helpful as would your partner. When the author is finally diagnosed at the age of 30 his reaction is " Whoo hooo, I'm NOT an a-hole!!". Check it out, it will help you to better understand yourself as well as offering insight for those you are involved with.