Hello, I am new here and in a slightly complicated relationship. Basically my bf says he loves me, and actually does talk about things like moving in and possibly getting married, but he doesn't actually ACT like he cares about me at all, which makes me very confused that he's talking about things like moving in and getting married. He seems like he doesn't care about me at all in fact, doesn't understand my feelings, doesn't show signs of affection or even really seem to know why those things are important. Some other things I've noticed through the course of our relationship:
-His speaking is very monotone
-doesn't understand how to act in social situations, which has led to me being embarrassed on a number of occasions because of things he's said to me or the way he treats me around others
-he obsesses about topics that he is very interested in, and will talk about them and study them non-stop, even though they are things that I can't talk to him about. He can't seem to tear himself away from his computer until he's read everything he can about one of these topics (lately, it is finance related stuff)
-he has no interest in doing anything (except of course, studying his topics of interest)
-he doesn't seem to enjoy meeting new people and interacting with them, he also doesn't have many friends that he sees.
-he doesn't understand the importance of showing someone that he cares about them (or doesn't understand how to, and doesn't realize that he isn't acting like he cares about me).
-he has no interest in me or my life, if I try to change the subject from his current obsession he will listen for a moment and then go back to what he was talking about, even though it obviously doesn't interest me (there's only so much I can listen to him talk about random rich people that I don't care about).
-He never compliments me or my achievements, or takes any interest in them, but he likes to talk about his quite a bit
-He is very, very smart academically, and very talented musically.
-when we get into an argument he gets annoyed that we are arguing and doesn't want to deal with it. Oftentimes he will leave, or shut down, refusing to talk
-Can be very immature and acts like a child sometimes (although I think he does it for humor, he's only like that around me and he knows it makes me laugh)
-Extremely emotionally distant and non-expressive
-He has no passion or 'life' in him it seems
That's really all I can think of in terms of the 'odd' behaviors. I am becoming very upset in this relationship because I don't understand why he doesn't treat me like he loves me, yet he'll talk about things like moving in and marriage. It's always been this way in our relationship too, the beginning was no more filled with sweet gestures of romance and affection than it is now, so this is nothing new. We are starting to argue and fight all the time which is wearing me down, and it's almost always the result of me not feeling like he cares. He doesn't say or act appropriately for someone 'in love', yet he insists that he is. I love him and really want it to work, but maybe it just can't ...
I have only just started posting in this sub forum myself but I have read what you have posted and would like to offer you an opinion. Please appreciate this is only my opinion.
Some of what you have written could be down to Asperger’s but not all. I am only saying this because I can cross reference what you have stated to my own sons condition who was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was six, he is now sixteen.
I can relate some of what you have posted to my own sons condition, especially the narrow focus on things that are of interest to him. It was explained to us that this is one of the trademarks of Asperger’s. Everything outside of these narrow focal points will simply be back ground noise. But and this is worth stressing because things outside the focal points don’t appear to have any impact on our son, they do. Although it can at times be frustrating trying to have a conversation about something he apparently as no interest in, it does not mean he is not taking it in. I can only speak from personal experience but my sons ability to take in information and retain it, even though he as apparently show no interest in it, is actually quite remarkable.
Yes I can see social interaction as part of his condition. There is an apparent inability to be aware of those people’s feelings and an inability to be one of the gang. And throughout primary school this was an issue for my son but as he has gone through secondary school he as adapted and as now got a wide range of friends. Although he is only sixteen he as a special friend (his girlfriend) who his does show a great deal of care for and almost bends over backwards to ensure he makes her happy.
This to be honest this is where I see a striking difference between what you have described and my own son’s condition. My own son is the complete reverse of what you have described and is very attentive of other people concerns and goes out of his way to please and show concern.
It is worth remembering here that Asperger’s is a condition that manifests itself as part of a personality and learning disorder but anybody who as it also as their own personality. And at times both I and my wife have struggled to define what part of his behaviour is driven by Asperger’s and what part is being driven by his own personality. I can only speak for somebody who has had the pleasure and yes it is a pleasure to live with somebody who as Asperger’s for the last ten years and say that it does not define who that person is. Yes it is a personality disorder but no two people who have Asperger’s will have the exact same personality. And to be honest trying to categorise somebody by their personal traits and trying to diagnose it as Asperger’s by this method is virtually impossible . (I hope that makes sense).
I honestly cannot tell you whether your boyfriend as Asperger’s or not, I doubt anybody online ever will be able to. It took us a while to finally have it diagnosed and this was with a whole bank of tests and interviews with doctors. He may well have Asperger’s; he may well have another personality disorder. It may actually just be the way he is.
The thing is though, is if he does as Asperger’s and if he is medically diagnosed with it, I doubt very much you will be able to change his behaviour. Unfortunately if you, yourself are unable to cope and deal with this within your relationship, then maybe you really should have a good long think about it. All I can say from my side of the fence is my son’s girlfriend, whom he has been friends with for the last year and whom we have come to know well as never voiced the concerns you have.
I hope what I have written as helped you.
Last edited by blokecalledkev; 04-22-2012 at 11:37 AM.
Reason: added and typo
I would just like to add and sorry I didnít mention it before but it has been playing on my mind somewhat. You mentioned your boyfriend was very monotone. Again I can only cross reference this to my son. He is far from being monotone, he is very articulated and sometimes very animated in the way he expresses himself. Of course this is mainly in subjects that he is interested in. But he can at time be extremely humorous and is quite sharp witted. Sorry, I just wanted to add this because I personally do not see monotone speaking as part of Aspergerís.
My brother has all these symptoms. We have always though he has aspergers. In fact, I thought maybe you were his girlfriend lol. I realized you aren't though so don't worry! My brother isn't into music. Anyway he has the same symptoms so I do think your boyfriend has it.