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Old 07-26-2013, 03:21 AM   #1
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47 year old male with aspergers

This post might be better suited to the general mental health section, but I wanted to start here because my husband age 47 was diagnosed with asperger syndrome 2 years ago. It's been a rollercoaster for many years !
Anyway, one of the things that has been a significant problem in our relationship is my husband's inability to let go of issues and forgiveness. Both of us have made mistakes in our marriage. I am not talking about affairs or anything serious, just lack of consideration and obviously lots of communication misunderstandings. I am trying to work out what I am dealing with at the moment. i have been asking him to see a doctor for months as I suspect he is depressed. I am at my wits end now and I know this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but please bare with me.

Back in 2005 we had very small children, we both worked and life was stressful (usual family chaos). Anyhow he was working a lot of weekends and played soccer on Sundays. I was not always supportive of this because i wanted him around at least for one day of the week to help out and have some family time. So, yes, we had some arguments over this issue. As time went by he became more and more annoyed about the fact that "obstacles" were being put in his way in respect to him having his own activity time. I recognised how important this was to him and started to provide more support in respect to this issue (eg: helping him find a soccer club, suggesting courses he could do etc etc). However, he still, on a regular basis would launch into a monologue of how awful I was not to have supported him, how he deserved better, how I had treated him so disgustingly. We have separated on a couple of occasions because of him being unable to let this resentment go.
We get back together and things are fine for a while (6 months) and then he will start again about the misery of his life and how I have did not support him back in 2005.

The issue has again reared its ugly head and he has become obsessed again with knowing why I did not support him, why (on 26th July 2005) I had an argument with him about going to the soccer, why I never came to watch him? Why did I do it? Am I ashamed of my selfish behaviour? On and on he goes with questions and demands about a situation, which, to be honest, after 8 years, I can barely remember. I have told him over and over again that I cannot change the past. All I can do is show my support now (which I am doing). However, he refuses to participate in any extra-curricular activities because he claims he is too frightened. Frightened that the same "obstacles" will come up again to stop his enjoyment of any activity. Pretty much I have told him that he needs to leave the relationship if he cannot forgive me because it is intolerable living like this. I find his reactions to this issue of 8 years ago to be bizarre and abnormal and suspect it is beyond normal asperger behaviour. This is about soccer, not life and death ! His anger about the situation is as much as it was 8 years ago when this all started. I do not understand a person who can just dwell on something for this amount of time.

 
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Old 04-22-2014, 01:07 PM   #2
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Re: 47 year old male with aspergers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calamity77 View Post
This post might be better suited to the general mental health section, but I wanted to start here because my husband age 47 was diagnosed with asperger syndrome 2 years ago. It's been a rollercoaster for many years !
Anyway, one of the things that has been a significant problem in our relationship is my husband's inability to let go of issues and forgiveness. Both of us have made mistakes in our marriage. I am not talking about affairs or anything serious, just lack of consideration and obviously lots of communication misunderstandings. I am trying to work out what I am dealing with at the moment. i have been asking him to see a doctor for months as I suspect he is depressed. I am at my wits end now and I know this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but please bare with me.

Back in 2005 we had very small children, we both worked and life was stressful (usual family chaos). Anyhow he was working a lot of weekends and played soccer on Sundays. I was not always supportive of this because i wanted him around at least for one day of the week to help out and have some family time. So, yes, we had some arguments over this issue. As time went by he became more and more annoyed about the fact that "obstacles" were being put in his way in respect to him having his own activity time. I recognised how important this was to him and started to provide more support in respect to this issue (eg: helping him find a soccer club, suggesting courses he could do etc etc). However, he still, on a regular basis would launch into a monologue of how awful I was not to have supported him, how he deserved better, how I had treated him so disgustingly. We have separated on a couple of occasions because of him being unable to let this resentment go.
We get back together and things are fine for a while (6 months) and then he will start again about the misery of his life and how I have did not support him back in 2005.

The issue has again reared its ugly head and he has become obsessed again with knowing why I did not support him, why (on 26th July 2005) I had an argument with him about going to the soccer, why I never came to watch him? Why did I do it? Am I ashamed of my selfish behaviour? On and on he goes with questions and demands about a situation, which, to be honest, after 8 years, I can barely remember. I have told him over and over again that I cannot change the past. All I can do is show my support now (which I am doing). However, he refuses to participate in any extra-curricular activities because he claims he is too frightened. Frightened that the same "obstacles" will come up again to stop his enjoyment of any activity. Pretty much I have told him that he needs to leave the relationship if he cannot forgive me because it is intolerable living like this. I find his reactions to this issue of 8 years ago to be bizarre and abnormal and suspect it is beyond normal asperger behaviour. This is about soccer, not life and death ! His anger about the situation is as much as it was 8 years ago when this all started. I do not understand a person who can just dwell on something for this amount of time.
I have aspergers is a symptom of his aspergers because many with aspergers have trouble letting go of anger and have trouble talking things out maybe it would help to visit a counselor whos familiar with aspergers so you can discuss it in front of someone instead of at home where it may not be the ideal situation

 
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Old 04-22-2014, 01:22 PM   #3
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Re: 47 year old male with aspergers

my goodness! is manipulativeness a characteristic of aspergers? He is most certainly being manipulative, and also passive-aggressive when he says he won't join anything new because of "fear" that you will put another obstacle in his way....
I can't understand how you have put up with this for 8 years over something so miniscule in the big picture of life......can you imagine how he would be if you really did something wrong? You certainly have more patience than I could.....
so my point is, I didn't think manipulativeness is a trait of aspergers, maybe I'm wrong, but if it isn't, there is something more going on here.

 
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Old 04-23-2014, 04:37 AM   #4
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Re: 47 year old male with aspergers

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
my goodness! is manipulativeness a characteristic of aspergers? He is most certainly being manipulative, and also passive-aggressive when he says he won't join anything new because of "fear" that you will put another obstacle in his way....
I can't understand how you have put up with this for 8 years over something so miniscule in the big picture of life......can you imagine how he would be if you really did something wrong? You certainly have more patience than I could.....
so my point is, I didn't think manipulativeness is a trait of aspergers, maybe I'm wrong, but if it isn't, there is something more going on here.
Hi Rosequartz and thanks for your reply. Manipulation is not a trait of aspergers. In fact, aspergers struggle with how to manipulate conversations and scenarios to achieve positive outcomes. That is often a big problem for them. I agree his comments sound manipulative but I have had to look at the intent underneath the manipulation. He truly believes he is a victim in life and he is terrified of enjoying something and then having it taken away. It really is very childlike behaviour. Also, his late diagnosis and inability to understand the world has led to mental health issues, depression and a degree of paranoia in my opinion. I never feel manipulated by him just frustrated that he can't move on from these relatively minor issues (in the scheme of life) and find happiness.

 
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:27 AM   #5
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Re: 47 year old male with aspergers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calamity77 View Post
Hi Rosequartz and thanks for your reply. Manipulation is not a trait of aspergers. In fact, aspergers struggle with how to manipulate conversations and scenarios to achieve positive outcomes. That is often a big problem for them. I agree his comments sound manipulative but I have had to look at the intent underneath the manipulation. He truly believes he is a victim in life and he is terrified of enjoying something and then having it taken away. It really is very childlike behaviour. Also, his late diagnosis and inability to understand the world has led to mental health issues, depression and a degree of paranoia in my opinion. I never feel manipulated by him just frustrated that he can't move on from these relatively minor issues (in the scheme of life) and find happiness.
this is why I say there is something else going on, possibly a personality disorder.....you may not think he's being manipulative.....that's why manipulation WORKS most of the time.....but he is.....very much so....

 
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