47 year old male with aspergers
This post might be better suited to the general mental health section, but I wanted to start here because my husband age 47 was diagnosed with asperger syndrome 2 years ago. It's been a rollercoaster for many years !
Anyway, one of the things that has been a significant problem in our relationship is my husband's inability to let go of issues and forgiveness. Both of us have made mistakes in our marriage. I am not talking about affairs or anything serious, just lack of consideration and obviously lots of communication misunderstandings. I am trying to work out what I am dealing with at the moment. i have been asking him to see a doctor for months as I suspect he is depressed. I am at my wits end now and I know this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but please bare with me.
Back in 2005 we had very small children, we both worked and life was stressful (usual family chaos). Anyhow he was working a lot of weekends and played soccer on Sundays. I was not always supportive of this because i wanted him around at least for one day of the week to help out and have some family time. So, yes, we had some arguments over this issue. As time went by he became more and more annoyed about the fact that "obstacles" were being put in his way in respect to him having his own activity time. I recognised how important this was to him and started to provide more support in respect to this issue (eg: helping him find a soccer club, suggesting courses he could do etc etc). However, he still, on a regular basis would launch into a monologue of how awful I was not to have supported him, how he deserved better, how I had treated him so disgustingly. We have separated on a couple of occasions because of him being unable to let this resentment go.
We get back together and things are fine for a while (6 months) and then he will start again about the misery of his life and how I have did not support him back in 2005.
The issue has again reared its ugly head and he has become obsessed again with knowing why I did not support him, why (on 26th July 2005) I had an argument with him about going to the soccer, why I never came to watch him? Why did I do it? Am I ashamed of my selfish behaviour? On and on he goes with questions and demands about a situation, which, to be honest, after 8 years, I can barely remember. I have told him over and over again that I cannot change the past. All I can do is show my support now (which I am doing). However, he refuses to participate in any extra-curricular activities because he claims he is too frightened. Frightened that the same "obstacles" will come up again to stop his enjoyment of any activity. Pretty much I have told him that he needs to leave the relationship if he cannot forgive me because it is intolerable living like this. I find his reactions to this issue of 8 years ago to be bizarre and abnormal and suspect it is beyond normal asperger behaviour. This is about soccer, not life and death ! His anger about the situation is as much as it was 8 years ago when this all started. I do not understand a person who can just dwell on something for this amount of time.