Picali

Hi Ingrid

I really felt for you when I read your post. I've often felt the same way and I'm not even sure yet if my little boy is autistic. The only thing I can offer is something someone said to me when I was having a 'why, why, why' moment with her. We were talking about this kind of Buddhist type theory that we all live many lives and we 'choose' our life each time and the problems that we experience in order to grow and develop spiritually. At the time I said that I could do without learning about autism (I know that sounds awful but I'm sure you'll get where I'm coming from), plus I said why would a baby chose to be autistic; what could they possibly learn from that that they wouldn't learn from being 'normal'? What she said made me sob, and although it's hard, I do find it helps sometimes. She said sometimes we need to look further than what is in front of us to see the bigger picture (I have to admit I rolled my eyes at this point and thought 'oh shutup'). But then she suggested that maybe through this I've learnt to appreciate the smaller things (you know when they smile or ask a question - stuff that other people ignore in their kids because it happens all the time. As we drove home yesterday my little boy pointed to the sky and said "The sunshine's coming out". It's his first proper sentence - and he was right - it was! A lot of other parents hear that kind of stuff all the time and it doesn't mean as much to them). She pointed out how things like this make you strong and capable, and how you can develop empathy with other 'less fortunate' people (this is certainly the case with me). She also said that maybe our kids wanted to experience unconditional love in this life - to be loved by their mums no matter what, and that maybe they didn't get that last time around, and that they picked us as parents because they knew that we would give them that. I was in tears by this point and I'm crying again now!! It just helps me sometimes, you know? I understand exactly where you're coming from - I've asked myself over and over what I did, why us, why him, called God names and all sorts of stuff, but then I watch him playing in the sand, so content with a bucket and spade, when my friends kids are demanding play stations and DVD's and new trainers, and I watch my friends complaining about their cars/husbands/new shoes and missing the important stuff they do have and moaning about what's missing rather than cherishing what's there in front of them. It's not easy, and I do get pangs of envy when I see other people communicate normally with their kids etc, but I guess we all have to try and find the silver lining.

I have banged on at length! I just find that kind of thing helpful sometimes. I hope something there helps a little bit for you.

Lots of love

Janine