Well, about the chores, just about any kid will try this gig, 'you hate me, etc.' but our kids can get stuck in a rut. Weekly family meetings to chat about things like growing up, responsibility, chores can help -- a meeting that is NOT a lecture, but a discussion -- elicit from your kids what they think growing up is all about, perhaps with a few questions along the way to help round out the discussion.
Another great activity is to read stories aloud with your child. Often teen heroes, heroines have incidental responsibilities -- though the overall story plot & excitement may lie elsewhere. A good children's or young adult librarian can point you toward some titles that may be of interest to your kids (whether they love horses, mysteries, humorous, or family stories). And, while, yes, your DD could read these on her own, there is no substitute for spending 1/2 hr. per day reading aloud & talking together. All readers can take a turn reading the story to the others. I have found with my son that indirect methods
of instruction have been most helpful. So, we have read many stories,and listened to many books/stories on tape together over the years.
W/my PDD-NOS son (16 yo) it has been very helpful to have defined chores. Over time he has developed skills to do these well. While NT kids may want to have "their chore" changed weekly, my son likes to keep the same chores. Every yr. we add another one, so that responsibilities increase with age. This is very logical preparation for adulthood -- and of course, that is part of what we are trying to teach.
At-will chores (come when I call & do what I say) can elicit power struggles in a lot of kids. It may be easiest to start 'choring' with one set weekly task. Or a small daily task.
Remember the honey -- lots of praise for a job (even a simple one) well done. Link the responsible behavior shown to life skill & success. An occasional surprise mini treat or reward for doing a chore (activity or snack) is also a good way to build co-operation. Your DD may be stunned the day you give the younger child a treat for a job well-done -- without offering to her, if she has not co-operated w/her work. In many families, allowance is linked to doing chores.
You may want to consider that a more physical, concrete chore, like learning how to strip beds, or how to scrub a sink, or how to take out & reline garbage cans, -- may be more acceptable to your DD than watching the baby. The concrete chores a) have a defined limit and b) give an objective result and c) may contribute to a sense of accomplishment when done. It may well be that babysitting is better left for a yr. or two until more maturity kicks in.
They have respected my wishes and my daughter doesn't know anything except she knows that she is special.
IMO it's a mistake to 'keep secrets' from older HF kids. Your DD is obviously figuring things out. She's at the stage where you're not gonna be able to go behind her back for long. You need to be gentle -- but forthright -- about the dx. Always be hopeful -- that many aspects of her dx have been outgrown, many more will be with time, but that there may always be some unique tendencies, along with perhaps unique gifts. And of course, always reinforce the fact that the sum of a person is always much more than any one label. Just like "being a girl" or "being a red-head" or "being athletic" describes only one small aspect of a person, so does the "being PDD-NOS" label.
If your DD is starting to take matters into her own hands with the supervision at school, perhaps that would make a good starting point for discussion. Ask your DD why she thinks she has the monitor, and go on from there. You want to engage her in working with you
on her treatment plan. If she wishes to have less monitoring, or less obtrusive monitoring, that is maybe something that can be worked out. By working with her to consider & implement her wishes (when reasonable), you will regain her trust. If there are things that she must do to reduce frequency of monitoring, then by being direct about that she may make accelerated progress. Wanting to be like the other kids at age 12 is a very powerful motivator.
As our kids head towards adolescence, their personal power becomes more & more of a determining factor in their overall life success. As a parent, doing what you can to facilitate that, is a great gift to them.