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Old 11-16-2006, 06:11 AM   #1
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Liz Cook HB User
Unhappy I wish I didnt care

as i am sure that many parents here have experienced people just dont understand autism. and most of the time i can just say oh well, there loss for being so stupid but this time i just wished i didnt care. i found out through a mutual friend that someone i have known for 14 years and have watched her children and had my son around that she thinks we use autism as an excuse for our son's behavior... i am beyond peeved right now. and even that i could just say oh well she just doesnt understand what kind of pressures there are to having a special needs child... EXCEPT all 3 of her children are in special ed!!!!!!!!

of course her children dont have autism or the issues that my son has... what they have is some learning disabilities for the oldest, and sensory issues for the two younger ones. they can pass for normal... so for years they have been being shuffled through the system. my son may be being "excused" and gotten treatment but her kids didnt get treatment until one of them ATTACKED the school principal. i know that i am right and that she is wrong. i know in my heart that we treat every behavior seperately so that we can really look at whether it is a manifestation of the autism or if its him being a booger. we really think he is a booger alot and we are honest about when he is just a jerk. any way... ugh! i wish i didnt care!

 
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Old 11-16-2006, 08:20 AM   #2
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Re: I wish I didnt care

Hey Liz

Ok, so you care that this person actually had the nerve to say it... if you were not ticked off for their obvious lack of common sense then I would worry about your sanity For pitty's sake, that was a stupid, uneducated, pathetic, (should I go on??) I will, IDIOTIC thing to say, and it drives me crazy when I hear crap like that. There is a reason that I call Christopher "CHRISTOFART", he's a boy, and now a teenager, sure not all of the times he does something socially unacceptable is autism,ocd,bi-polar disorder,or intermitent explosive disorder to blame. He is still human, and anyone can be an ***, I don't use his dx as an excuse either, if he's just being a fart, I can tell & he knows it - he'll put himself in "time out", I just give him that mom's really not having any part of this today look, and off he goes to his room We really don't have any friends left, just wonderfull grandparents(my parents), who live about 45 minutes from us. We visit them frequently
I'm always glad to read your posts, it's good to see someone else has the same sense of humor,we get to deal with a lot of crap, as parents and if you can't find some humor in it .......... then all of us would (or eventually need) anti-psychotics/mood stabalizers too If not already on them

Have a great day!! becca

 
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Old 11-16-2006, 02:10 PM   #3
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Re: I wish I didnt care

Hi Liz

It's amazing how other people are such experts in all areas regarding other peoples' children and how they feel we all wish to hear their dimwitted opinions. I find my mouth has a mind of its own now - on a good day I can rise above it, on a bad one a mouthful is delivered (ask the lady in the library on Saturday!!).

My attitude now is 'if you can do better, be my guest' (you'll notice, of course, that whilst people are only to eager to comment on your parenting skills, they are far less eager to actually step in with practical help). The only people I know who really understand autism are those with autistic children, which kind of tells you something.

Sorry that people are so insensitive. Try not to let it get you down - you're doing a great job!!

 
Old 11-16-2006, 02:45 PM   #4
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Re: I wish I didnt care

"if you can do better, be my guest"

Oh I use that one a lot

It's amazing that so many others have ALL the answers and have PERFECT children
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Old 11-16-2006, 03:29 PM   #5
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Re: I wish I didnt care

Quote:
Originally Posted by Picali
Hi Liz

It's amazing how other people are such experts in all areas regarding other peoples' children and how they feel we all wish to hear their dimwitted opinions. I find my mouth has a mind of its own now - on a good day I can rise above it, on a bad one a mouthful is delivered (ask the lady in the library on Saturday!!).

My attitude now is 'if you can do better, be my guest' (you'll notice, of course, that whilst people are only to eager to comment on your parenting skills, they are far less eager to actually step in with practical help). The only people I know who really understand autism are those with autistic children, which kind of tells you something.

Sorry that people are so insensitive. Try not to let it get you down - you're doing a great job!!
I LOVE your quote 'if you can do better, be my guest' ... I have a friend whose 16 yo daughter is Autistic, and she will tell people to take her home for 24 hours and see if they can do any better! lol
Many times out in public, my daughter (who is 10 yo) will behave "differently"...keep in mind she "looks" very normal. I have had SO MANY RUDE comments, usually from women aged 50+...comments such as "What is wrong with your child?" OR "You need to teach her to behave better". My comment back is usually, "Hey...she has a medical reason she acts this way, what's the reason YOU act the way you do?"
SO GLAD I am NOT ALONE when it comes to behavior issues! I continue to work with my daughter on socialization, etc., but she will ALWAYS draw attention out in public b/c of her severe speech delay! :eyes:

 
Old 11-16-2006, 08:11 PM   #6
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Re: I wish I didnt care

isaac is very good looking so i guess everyone assumes cute little kids should be social experts! drives me nuts! i called my friend about anyhow and asked her about it, making sure to keep the other woman out of it and my friend told me that that wasnt what she said... that she was only saying that especially my husband we just spent too much time chasing isaac around. she is one of the those people who send their kids outside after school and doesnt let them in until dinner time. she was just aghast that we didnt let our non verbal autistic kid who even if he could wouldnt respond to us if he ran off in the woods go play by himself outside. right.....

oh well, she still has the nerve to ask me advice on how to deal with the school because her youngest daughter got in trouble again yesterday. ugh! but i cant not anwser because then the child would lose out... what are you going to do?

and yes, if you dont take life with a grain of salt and a smart *** remark then you do go a little loopy!... well at least thats what the voices in my head tell me

thanks!

Liz

 
Old 11-17-2006, 11:18 AM   #7
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Re: I wish I didnt care

My 3 yr old is a handful, and my husband and I are in a battle when it comes to dealing with him- neither of us seems to have figured out the best way, and neither of us really agrees that the other's way is the best way. LOL Makes for a lot of nightmares. We have had people tell us how good our kids are (including our son w/Autism), and while I'm happy they can see that, I'm also laughing to myself because boy! Do they have no clue!! Some days I feel bad leaving my son at school, because sometimes he gets super upset for what seems like no reason, and he starts screaming (and it seems like there is just one teacher that he really responds to, who can calm him down). I think everybody at school must think I'm a terrible mother. And while his teachers have never had a reason to refer me to the Behavioral Support office because of his behavior (which can be obnoxious at times!!!), I have called her myself because some days I'm just at my wit's end when it comes to dealing with him. (And then his 4 1/2 yr old sister who has developed the attitude from h#ll!). She has been out to the house 4 or 5 times now, with lots of helpful ideas. Some days they work, some days they don't. I guess I should just be happy for when they do work?

My aunt's son has Autism, and I know she has gotten a lot of rude comments from people about his behavior. She has basically just said something to the effect of "Well, I'm glad you have it all figured out then." In other words, they apparently know her kid, what's wrong with him, what she should be doing, and so on. I don't want to use Autism as an excuse for my son's behavior, because I know sometimes he's just being a crabby/naughty little boy- and it has nothing to do with his unusual wiring. But sometimes I wonder when it *does* have to do with it, and I would like people to be a bit more understanding. I will still be teaching my child right and wrong, and hope that at some point his behaviors will change.. because I think some parents don't bother disciplining a kid AT ALL (because of a "disability"), and that's not necessarily the right thing to do IMO.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 11:39 AM   #8
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Re: I wish I didnt care

I think it would be nice if people in general were not so judgemental all of the time.
I know that having a child with special needs has certainly humbled me, but I am stunned by the things that come out of people's mouths regarding other people's kids and so on. I would never be so rude no matter what I thought!!
Complete strangers should not be commenting on anyone's parenting unless asked for they're opinion IMHO. Until these ignorant people have walked a mile in your shoes, who are they to judge?? Makes me crazy.
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Old 11-17-2006, 11:48 AM   #9
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Re: I wish I didnt care

I once was shopping at an out side type mall that was having a sidewalk sale. I was looking at clothes on a rack and 2 of my sons were not even 10 feet away from me. The son with Aspergers hauled off and punched the other one because he felt he was wronged. ander is one of the issues we have been dealing with and with him not understanding how to socially respond to people in the correct way he many times reverted to violance.
A woman walking by just started screaming at me that I needed to control my child and that I was a bad mother and that if she were me should beat him. (IRONIC!!!)
If he had a physical disability it would be sooo much easier because people would watch their tongues and not be so critical. I know with having my son I would have asked if I needed any help instead of throwing insults.

We have enough to deal with without people adding onto our frustration and complete helplessness. Maybe alittle support would be nice.

I wish I didn't care too.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 11:49 AM   #10
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monkey3 HB User
Re: I wish I didnt care

I really like "she has a medical condition for her behavior, what's your excuse" My husband will be mortified and my younger ones will giggle. So its a win/win comeback to me

 
Old 11-17-2006, 09:16 PM   #11
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Re: I wish I didnt care

i agree about teaching the kids wrong from right, but our kids dont learn it over night! and for that matter, in the same way my friend's kids do! she washes her kids mouths out with soap when they swear, well, my son eats soap on a regular basis! but she is what you would call "old school" i guess when it comes to discipline, being of catholic upbringing and german decent she could have been a nun from any old one room school house! ruler and all! but isaac doesnt learn from that so we are letting him get out of control ah oh well. at least i made her eat her words... whether or not she believes them is another thing all together!

Liz

 
Old 11-18-2006, 06:28 AM   #12
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Re: I wish I didnt care

Hey There!
I TOTALLY agree with the post that we have SO MUCH to deal with our spec. needs kids ... that the last thing we need is a stranger offering/telling their advice/opinion!
I too, work diligently on my daughter's behavior for I want her to learn how to socialize b/c I know one day she will be an adult. My GOAL is to prepare her for life (in every aspect of her life) just as my goal is to prepare her siblings. I *KNOW* she will not be able to perform functionally as the typical adult, but I feel as if it is my job as her mom to prepare her as much as possible.
It is TOUGH~that's why it is great to read posts on different topics offering support & ideas on this board!
Thank you PARENTS!!!!

 
Old 11-18-2006, 08:13 AM   #13
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Re: I wish I didnt care

In a way, I am almost glad I grew up at a time before Asperger's was known about as a diagnosis. My greatest worry is, at this stage, if I get a diagnosis, I might be treated as a "stereotype" rather than as a human being. They would say, "Oh, I thought people with Asperger's were (so and so). You're not like that." I consider myself to be on the milder end of the AS spectrum. Most people blame my problems on lack of self-confidence and shyness. I'm pleased that people think I'm intelligent and so "normal" (I worked hard to overcome some of my early difficulties, but some remain.) Usually I get these remarks from "normal" people who are averse to doing any sort of hard work at all. These were the kind of people who routinely bullied me at school and the evaluators who rubber stamped children and sometimes adults. If the diagnosis is a springboard for me to increase my horizons, I would embrace it. If it became just another "rubber stamp" diagnosis or an excuse as to why I can't do something or live a whole, complete life, I wouldn't want it.

I completely empathize with everyone's struggles here. I do believe we should have a better understanding of people with ASDs. However, I should hope that this understanding would be a springboard to helping children utilize their full potential, rather than as an excuse to "label" and restrict children's abilities, as it was in the past. I think the reason I am as functional as I am today is because my parents refused to believe I was incapable of learning.

 
Old 11-18-2006, 05:06 PM   #14
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Re: I wish I didnt care

Quote:
Originally Posted by 9CatMom
My greatest worry is, at this stage, if I get a diagnosis, I might be treated as a "stereotype" rather than as a human being.

I completely empathize with everyone's struggles here.
oh 9CatMom your so funny, you cant empathize if you have aspergers isnt that what "everyone" says? Just kidding (actually that was specifically listed as a symptom of aspergers back when it was discovered... BY A ****! funny that a **** could say that people with this syndrome didnt have empathy... ironic)



in our case having isaacs diagnosis was just what we needed! not to push him through, not to get SSI or things like that but so that we new what direction to go!!! isaac was a complete wild child before he was diagnosed and we were at our wits end! it was such a relief to know that we had a direction to go... now i am the LAST person to say, Isaac is disabled please excuse him from life.... now i am arguing all of the time with the school and other services to push him harder!!!!

 
Old 11-18-2006, 05:11 PM   #15
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Re: I wish I didnt care

apparently you cant write **** on this site... but you know, the doctors for the german regime in the 1940s that started that little war and all. that's crazy that i cant write that word! but i suppose that it could cause a lot problems in lots of different contexts but i apologize to the moderator gods for any wrong doing, but i was only speaking in historical reference

 
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