When to tell?????? - Autism Spectrum Message Board

meechieny · 07-03-2007, 09:21 PM

I would really appreciate some feedback.
Gatsby and Callista if you could give me your thoughts please!!!!!
My cage has been rattled and I'm not sure how most people would handle this?
My son is this wonderful, smart, gorgeous funny, sweet little man. I think I have delt with his autism very well (PDD-NOS). We deal with each issue at a time and over the past few years have resolved a lot of them. I have always been very confident with how we are managing. We have had him on a "typical" soccer team.....no one knew his diagnosis. He did great. He is in a inclusive class room and I have had "typical" kid's parents talk to me unaware that my child was one of the "special" kids they were all were complaining about. Because they didn't see him like the "others"

I have had this theory....... if I help him with his academics he will learn and become confident....he will be more social. I think it is working. He gets 102 on his tests and raises his hand in class to answer questions. His teacher has said that he is popular in class and always had a buddy to partner up with; his choice or theirs.
The one thing is that.... we have never told him of his diagnosis. He is only 7 and going into the 2nd grade. I have always tried to see him as my son and not the kid with the label. I only want the diagnosis for him to get the services he needs. We don't tell a lot of people, even family because I have always felt their is nothing wrong with him and it's none of their business.

Well, I met with his summer session teacher, someone new to teaching, new to us and told him I didn't want to talk about my son when he was there and he doesn't know about his diagnosis. The guy was shocked, so shocked that it was uncomfortable.I tried to explain to him that my son is at a point that if I did say "you got something going on with you," he would take it in a negative way and I know for a fact he WOULD say "I'm stupid????? I have something WRONG with me???" He would not see it as a explanation....he would only see it in a way that it would change him.
My thoughts are if you have someone constantly telling you that you are smart, you are funny, you are gorgeous you will see that yourself and believe it. It could only take one person, one sentence that could change that thought.....
I am so scared that knowing is going to change him. He is happy. He is excelling( the teacher said their is talk he might not require the inclusive class room anymore.)When he asked my why weren't all the kids from his class going to the summer classes? I said, I guess their mom's didn't sign them up. He was fine with that.
Would you tell your son if you felt like I felt? Is their any benefit if him knowing now? Am I wrong not telling him?

Liamsmom · 07-04-2007, 07:24 AM

I think if you see great results in the way you're handling it than go that way however be prepared that sometime in the future he may find out and resent your not telling him. It's a judgement call that's individual I think you should tell him when you think he'll be able to emotionally handle it. I think in some ways they all ready know they're different from everyone else at least I think my son does he has a hard time making friends with peers and it's hard to watch him struggle with it but he's making strides and all you need is one good friend (aside from your Mom)

Good Luck I say go with your gut instinct us Mom's have fabulous radar

GatsbyLuvr1920 · 07-04-2007, 09:19 AM

In my opinion, you should tell him someday. I think him knowing his diagnosis may help him understand why he isn't like everybody else. You can use all of the things you are saying to put a very positive spin on his diagnosis. For example, you can merely say something like: "You have something called PDD-NOS. It just means that your brain is wired a little differently than most people's, and it gives you great gifts and talents, like being able to do so well in school." I agree with liamsmom that it is important to recognize if and when your son can handle the news. It's totally your decision, and I honestly don't have the right answer.

Regardless of whether you tell your son or not, I will say that your son is going down a good path in the realm of socialization. Some high-functioning autistics are lucky enough to be "accepted" in school because they are one of the "smart kids." I was teased in elementary school and most of middle school, but around eighth-ninth grade, this is what happened to me. I was respected for knowing the right answer and for being in AP classes, and that is why I don't think I was teased in high school. I'm sure people still teased me behind my back, but I don't care about that, so long as they're nice to my face. (It was the "to-my-face teasing" that I received in elementary school and most of middle school.)

Even when I still was getting teased in the early grades, they kids would like me when we'd play review games for tests because I'd always make them win. (This was especially true in my science classes.) This was the only time I was "popular," because they'd all fight over who got to be on my team. I never was truly popular by any means (not that I ever wanted to be) and I always was (and always will be) perceived as "odd," but I had lots of acquaintances in high school because of this "respect."

I never have had the ability to make lots of real friends, people that I enjoyed hanging out with and actually wanted to see outside of school, but the "academic respect" allowed me to get through high school without hurt feelings. There always have been people who mistake my enthusiasm for learning and my eagerness to give the correct answer for arrogance and me being a "show-off," but these people are in the minority. I see these behaviors already blossoming in your son, and I think that, if this continues, that he will have lots of happy years to come.

-GatsbyLuvr1920-

Callista · 07-04-2007, 10:30 AM

At seven, your son is starting to compare himself to others. I think it's important that he know that he's different, and it's not his fault; but I think it's equally important that you stress that all those strengths he has are so much more important than the weaknesses; and that being different doesn't make him inferior.

There's a balance here: Eventually, you begin to understand that you're different; and if you don't know it's just a PDD, you begin to worry that maybe you're inferior somehow--a geek, a bad child, or even stupid. But whether or not your son has started to worry about this yet is not clear: His enthusiastic participation in class seems to show that he has a good self-concept (and well he should, if he's getting 102s on tests!).

Maybe it's like telling kids how babies are made: You start out with simple things, and eventually, as they age, you reveal more, so by 13 or so they know all the details. At this point, all he really needs to know is that some things are easy for him, and some things are hard; and when things are hard for you, people help you with them.

But as he gets older, he'll begin to be more observant, and compare himself to others. If he talks about being different; if he talks about other kids not liking him; then you can take that as a sign that he needs to know that there's nothing wrong with him--that he's just different, and that he'll always be the kid you love, with a lot of wonderful skills and talents.

By the time he's 11 or 12, he should know what PDD-NOS means--that it's harder for him to learn to socialize, etc.--and that it's not going to hold him back from doing what he wants to do, or from being happy.

After all, if most kids were like your son, it'd be the "normal" kids who were rated as disabled--because not everybody can get 102s on tests, right?

luckystar · 07-05-2007, 09:47 AM

meechieny,

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your son. Trust me the labels i hate. Although it is how my son gets the help he needs. There is an amazing book by Luke Jackson: Freeks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome. It is written by a 14 yr old I think. I have not read it in forever. In there Luke describes how once he found out that things clicked into place for him.

It is truly a choice you are going to have to make. My son is now almost 16 and has known he has Asperger since he was I think middle school, 6th grade. We were always having his IEP meetings and he was catching on so we gradually told him bits and pieces. He has actually read Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger as well. Like someone else said go with your gut. It is not someone elses place to decide when it is best for you. Good Luck !