My son is now almost 17yrs old with Asperger. It has been a long time battle with the socialization. With me always feeling bad that he is up in his room by himself most of the time. My question is or maybe I just need some reassuring that I am doing the right thing. He was dating this girl for over 7 months. She is bi-polar. PLEASE do not get me wrong. This is in no way to judge her just because she is bi-polar. It just explains her to an extent. While I am used to the manic mood swings ( my twin sister is bi-polar) I have offend wondered is this OK for my son who has issues of his own.
After COUNTLESS situations like her spitting on my son at the mall, her calling to say there were people at her house with guns, her calling me crying telling me her dad hit her and she called the police, telling my son she was bulimic, I could go on and on, story after story, stress after stress. All confirmed lies!!!
I made him end it with her. It has been a good 4 weeks since I made him do this. I know they still talk on the phone. I know in my heart it is best. Is it fair of me to make this decision for him because I can still control him???? My other NT son is 18 there is NO way he would let me ever choose for him.
No one likes her, not his friends, family..should I stop feeling guilty about this
My daughter is bi-polar and after years of struggling for a correct diagnosis, is now on SSI disability. It was hell raising her and she didn't get a clear diagnosis and correct meds until she was an adult. Her oldest son, my grandson, is 17 and has Aspergers. My grandson lived in my home for 10 years. My youngest niece is in her early 20's and is bi-polar. She spent a lot of time in my home. I have experience with bi-polar and Aspergers.
My 17 year old grandson is struggling with dating. The NT girls don't understand him at the best of times and he gets OC when upset, which freaks the girls out even more. I console him a lot. I admit to being overprotective but I would do everything in my power to keep him from dating a BP girl. She would take advantage of him and he is emotionally too fragile to handle the trauma/dramas.
Be thankful that this situation (with the BP girlfriend) evolved while your son is at home. I think you are right to limit the contact your Aspie son has with a BP girlfriend. As much as you can, discuss with your son how he feels when this girl does certain things, like lying or spitting on him. Explain that those things don't happen in healthy relationships. He needs your guidance now before he gets out on his own.
My personal opinion, as a mother of an (almost) 14 yr old Aspy son and wife of a wonderful Aspy husband, I must say that while there is no shame in being bi-polar, BPs and Aspys are NOT a good match. BPs are flighty and needy and Aspys are, generally, very loyal and will put up with more than they should (or more than is healthy for them).
I would put an end to this relationship, these two personality types don't mix. Your son will invariably end up being at the mercy of the bi-polar girl's mood swings and that will frustrate and isolate him more.
Nothing against BP people! I am an anxious person myself and I know that there are personality traits (and flat out mental illnesses) that simply are not healthy for certain people to be in such close contact with.
Ok, here's something from my Aspie perspective. I didn't know when other people were being inappropriate. I didn't know that it isn't ok to be spit on. I didn't know it isn't ok for people to insult me. I didn't know it isn't ok for people to make fun of my opinions and how I do things. I didn't know I needed to avoid people who lie to me. I didn't know the difference between a "safe" person and a "toxic" person. I didn't know how to end relationships (still don't do it well). I didn't know when a relationship was so bad I needed to leave.
We need someone to teach us these things. We need someone to teach us when it's time to leave, and how to get out gracefully. Like role-play, here are the words that can be said, here are the behaviors we can do. We will do everything in our power to make a relationship work, ignoring our own needs, ignoring the bad behavior of the other person. We are loyal even if it destroys our soul and our sanity.
I had to learn it is ok not to answer the phone. Nor do I have to call people back. I had to learn it is ok to go home (by myself, call a cab if necessary) if the other person starts to act "bad". I had to learn it was ok to say "no". I had to learn that if I didn't feel good while I was with someone, there was probably a good reason why. I had to learn to tell people "that's rude". Perhaps, if I never felt good around the person, I didn't need to be around the person. I had to learn that I feel good around people who are good for me. I learned these things, not from my parents or teachers, but from counselors and other people attending support group meetings (12 step meetings are great, Co-Dependants Anonymous help people learn to have better relationships.)
I think you did the right thing for your son's mental health, but he may not understand it that way until he learns more about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Help your son learn these things so he can make good choices, and not have to depend on you. Help find "safe" groups for him to attend, a good counselor, Aspie group, etc. because it's almost impossible for us to learn them on our own. We don't even know what it is we don't know.
UGH....I had a HUGE blow out with my son today over this girl!!!! It has been 8 weeks since I let him see her. I knew he still chatted with her on line and on the phone but I thought GEZZZZZ all this time not seeing each other things will fade. She is at a different school this year ...thank god!
I feel like I am causing this Romeo- Juliet scenerio. It kills me to tell him ...too bad I know you love her but you can not see her.
I had a long talk with him tonight. He cried. I felt so bad... It break my heart to know he might forever be alone. I know in my heart it is the best choice.
Luckystar, have you found a good counselor for your son yet? It would be much better for him to discuss these issues with an outsider who can bring a more objective perspective. Refusing to let him see her may be construed as "controlling" and he may spite you for it, and it may damage your relationship with him. He needs non-involved people to help him learn to view the events from a more healthy angle. Sometimes we have to get in messes over and over before we actually "get it" and start making different choices. I'd recommend a psychologist who specializes in dysfunctional families, since what he is encountering is dysfunctional behavior. A psychologist helps people talk through the issues in their lives, and helps them face up to reality and learn to make better choices.
Good luck. I know they say we are "emotionless", but that isn't true. Sometimes we hold our emotions in so long and they're so strong we feel as if we will explode. They are overwhelming, and we don't know what to do with them or how to express them appropriately. So we show nothing, or go ballistic.
Last edited by roses4lace; 09-07-2008 at 12:21 AM.
Relationships may always be difficult for him. Once you do your best and explore all options, try to let go, knowing you've done the best you can with the information you've been given to work with. In your heart I suspect you know you've made a decision that will bring less chaos into your lives and is best for him. Perhaps the continuing counseling will help him learn what to look for, and eventually understand what was happening.
The parent is responsible for setting the rules of what goes on under the roof. It sounds like the drama was affecting the whole family, and that was certainly not appropriate.
I just wanted to do an update. I took my son to an amazing counselor that deals with Autistic kids and it has done wonders. He is doing great with learning how to develop healthy relationships and the old girlfriend is gone.