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Old 08-14-2008, 09:22 AM   #1
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Question for anyone with teen AS child

My son is now almost 17yrs old with Asperger. It has been a long time battle with the socialization. With me always feeling bad that he is up in his room by himself most of the time. My question is or maybe I just need some reassuring that I am doing the right thing. He was dating this girl for over 7 months. She is bi-polar. PLEASE do not get me wrong. This is in no way to judge her just because she is bi-polar. It just explains her to an extent. While I am used to the manic mood swings ( my twin sister is bi-polar) I have offend wondered is this OK for my son who has issues of his own.

After COUNTLESS situations like her spitting on my son at the mall, her calling to say there were people at her house with guns, her calling me crying telling me her dad hit her and she called the police, telling my son she was bulimic, I could go on and on, story after story, stress after stress. All confirmed lies!!!

I made him end it with her. It has been a good 4 weeks since I made him do this. I know they still talk on the phone. I know in my heart it is best. Is it fair of me to make this decision for him because I can still control him???? My other NT son is 18 there is NO way he would let me ever choose for him.

No one likes her, not his friends, family..should I stop feeling guilty about this

Any advice or words would help

thanks

 
Old 08-14-2008, 11:13 AM   #2
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

luckystar,
My daughter is bi-polar and after years of struggling for a correct diagnosis, is now on SSI disability. It was hell raising her and she didn't get a clear diagnosis and correct meds until she was an adult. Her oldest son, my grandson, is 17 and has Aspergers. My grandson lived in my home for 10 years. My youngest niece is in her early 20's and is bi-polar. She spent a lot of time in my home. I have experience with bi-polar and Aspergers.

My 17 year old grandson is struggling with dating. The NT girls don't understand him at the best of times and he gets OC when upset, which freaks the girls out even more. I console him a lot. I admit to being overprotective but I would do everything in my power to keep him from dating a BP girl. She would take advantage of him and he is emotionally too fragile to handle the trauma/dramas.

Be thankful that this situation (with the BP girlfriend) evolved while your son is at home. I think you are right to limit the contact your Aspie son has with a BP girlfriend. As much as you can, discuss with your son how he feels when this girl does certain things, like lying or spitting on him. Explain that those things don't happen in healthy relationships. He needs your guidance now before he gets out on his own.

Stop feeling guilty. You are being a good mother.

 
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Old 08-14-2008, 11:32 AM   #3
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

Thank you, thank you...it is SO nice to hear that I am making a good choice. It is soooo hard to see these kids struggle socially and to watch them be alone

 
Old 08-14-2008, 05:37 PM   #4
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

My personal opinion, as a mother of an (almost) 14 yr old Aspy son and wife of a wonderful Aspy husband, I must say that while there is no shame in being bi-polar, BPs and Aspys are NOT a good match. BPs are flighty and needy and Aspys are, generally, very loyal and will put up with more than they should (or more than is healthy for them).
I would put an end to this relationship, these two personality types don't mix. Your son will invariably end up being at the mercy of the bi-polar girl's mood swings and that will frustrate and isolate him more.
Nothing against BP people! I am an anxious person myself and I know that there are personality traits (and flat out mental illnesses) that simply are not healthy for certain people to be in such close contact with.
Best wishes.

 
Old 08-15-2008, 12:20 AM   #5
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

Ok, here's something from my Aspie perspective. I didn't know when other people were being inappropriate. I didn't know that it isn't ok to be spit on. I didn't know it isn't ok for people to insult me. I didn't know it isn't ok for people to make fun of my opinions and how I do things. I didn't know I needed to avoid people who lie to me. I didn't know the difference between a "safe" person and a "toxic" person. I didn't know how to end relationships (still don't do it well). I didn't know when a relationship was so bad I needed to leave.

We need someone to teach us these things. We need someone to teach us when it's time to leave, and how to get out gracefully. Like role-play, here are the words that can be said, here are the behaviors we can do. We will do everything in our power to make a relationship work, ignoring our own needs, ignoring the bad behavior of the other person. We are loyal even if it destroys our soul and our sanity.

I had to learn it is ok not to answer the phone. Nor do I have to call people back. I had to learn it is ok to go home (by myself, call a cab if necessary) if the other person starts to act "bad". I had to learn it was ok to say "no". I had to learn that if I didn't feel good while I was with someone, there was probably a good reason why. I had to learn to tell people "that's rude". Perhaps, if I never felt good around the person, I didn't need to be around the person. I had to learn that I feel good around people who are good for me. I learned these things, not from my parents or teachers, but from counselors and other people attending support group meetings (12 step meetings are great, Co-Dependants Anonymous help people learn to have better relationships.)

I think you did the right thing for your son's mental health, but he may not understand it that way until he learns more about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

Help your son learn these things so he can make good choices, and not have to depend on you. Help find "safe" groups for him to attend, a good counselor, Aspie group, etc. because it's almost impossible for us to learn them on our own. We don't even know what it is we don't know.

 
Old 08-16-2008, 06:57 PM   #6
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

It is nice to hear people say ( or write) the same things I was thinking and feeling. As with every parent it is hard to know your are doing the right thing for them 100%.

I know it is for the best. I always knew sadly he would pick a girl or girls with issues. I think most Aspie kids are too nice, too loyal and too laid back. At least my son is.

For me it is hard enough worry if he is fitting in everyday with out the added drama of her

There is not one person at the school that did not know who she was or is by all of her antics.

I truely feel bad for her and her issues. I just know it is not for me to let it drag my son down

Thank you all again. I am going to look into some emotional support therapy or counseling for him.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 05:49 PM   #7
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

UGH....I had a HUGE blow out with my son today over this girl!!!! It has been 8 weeks since I let him see her. I knew he still chatted with her on line and on the phone but I thought GEZZZZZ all this time not seeing each other things will fade. She is at a different school this year ...thank god!

I feel like I am causing this Romeo- Juliet scenerio. It kills me to tell him ...too bad I know you love her but you can not see her.

I had a long talk with him tonight. He cried. I felt so bad... It break my heart to know he might forever be alone. I know in my heart it is the best choice.

I WISH and hope someday he sees that as well.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 11:18 PM   #8
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

Luckystar, have you found a good counselor for your son yet? It would be much better for him to discuss these issues with an outsider who can bring a more objective perspective. Refusing to let him see her may be construed as "controlling" and he may spite you for it, and it may damage your relationship with him. He needs non-involved people to help him learn to view the events from a more healthy angle. Sometimes we have to get in messes over and over before we actually "get it" and start making different choices. I'd recommend a psychologist who specializes in dysfunctional families, since what he is encountering is dysfunctional behavior. A psychologist helps people talk through the issues in their lives, and helps them face up to reality and learn to make better choices.

Good luck. I know they say we are "emotionless", but that isn't true. Sometimes we hold our emotions in so long and they're so strong we feel as if we will explode. They are overwhelming, and we don't know what to do with them or how to express them appropriately. So we show nothing, or go ballistic.

Last edited by roses4lace; 09-06-2008 at 11:21 PM.

 
Old 01-08-2009, 07:01 AM   #9
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child



I am still dealing with my sons girlfriend, or ex girlfriend I should say.

When does it get eaiser. I have had my son at a counselor for about 2 months after weeks and weeks of finding someone that would understand, that we could trust and new a lot about AS.

My son was still keeping phone contact with this girl since we " made" him stop seeing her.. What a mess...you would think the relationship would of fizzled out after all these months.

We finally at Wednesdays session put a stop all together with my son and this girl. No phone calls, no instant messaging, no emails, no text messaging.

It was so hard to see my son so hurt and sad over this girl that treats him bad and has so much drama.

It is so odd to choice who someone gets to be with, well to choose for someone that is 17yrs old.

I know in my heart it is for the best. It is so hard to hurt your child.

Relationships are so hard for these kids. I wish I could make it easier somehow.


 
Old 01-08-2009, 04:57 PM   #10
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

Relationships may always be difficult for him. Once you do your best and explore all options, try to let go, knowing you've done the best you can with the information you've been given to work with. In your heart I suspect you know you've made a decision that will bring less chaos into your lives and is best for him. Perhaps the continuing counseling will help him learn what to look for, and eventually understand what was happening.

The parent is responsible for setting the rules of what goes on under the roof. It sounds like the drama was affecting the whole family, and that was certainly not appropriate.

Peace.

 
Old 03-16-2009, 12:55 PM   #11
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

I just wanted to do an update. I took my son to an amazing counselor that deals with Autistic kids and it has done wonders. He is doing great with learning how to develop healthy relationships and the old girlfriend is gone.



 
Old 03-16-2009, 08:57 PM   #12
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

That is such good news! Sounds like he is on the road to a new, healthier way of dealing with people. I'm sure you must be happy the chaos is gone!

 
Old 03-17-2009, 01:21 PM   #13
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Re: Question for anyone with teen AS child

I just read this whole thread. I am glad things worked out well for your son! It has been a learning experience for me. My sone is also high functioning, and is 15. Something to be prepared for!

 
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