Re: Aspie Mom needs some help with pre-teen
Oh, gee, I cannot imagine the trauma you are faced with every day. Your emotional state sounds much like mine, but I was blessed with a child who usually wanted to please, and it was STILL hard for me.
Suggestions - is there a father or other relative in the picture who could take her for a week at a time? You need some relief. We have to take good care of ourselves to be able to take care of someone else.
I have had good luck typing out what I needed to say, and handing it to my counselor to read when I walked in her door. One/two pages at a time, not a book. You might write down a situation that happened, read it out loud, and ask your counselor for advice/ direction on how the situation could have been handled differently. Somehow, you need a method of getting the words out to the counselor so they can help you.
Learning how to set clear boundaries, and being ok if your child "gets mad" at you would help too. A lot of her behavior sounds like she has learned to manipulate you royally. You have to learn to not let it. If you're the primary caregiver, you have to teach her where the line is drawn. Set clear rules such as - "you can't pick up the phone when I'm on it", for example. And make sure there are consequences. Best ones are "natural ones". You break the phone rule, you can't use the phone for xx amount of time. You open my mail, I'll call (or email) your teacher to get it straight from her, and you will be grounded (or restricted from something enjoyable, you get the picture.)
Here's something that helped me with manipulation. My ex was always laying guilt trips on me. I had to learn that there is guilt when I do something that I'm not proud of. That's "real" guilt that prompts me into correcting the situation. Then there is anger that I convert into guilt when someone tries to get me to do something I don't want to do, even after I've told them NO. Once I learned to express that anger as anger (instead of guilt), or just stand my ground like a broken record and not give in, it became easy to sidestep the manipulation. A good book to read is "The Angry Book" by Theodore Rubin. It talks about how we convert anger into other emotions.
Hunt for another "relationship expert" who understands Aspergers. Those who don't, can't help you with this no matter what they say. Been there, done that. I went to a psychologist who helped with the relationship/ dysfunctional family stuff for 15 years. Once diagnosed, I changed to one who knew Apsergers, and it was like starting all over. Not to say the first doctor was "bad", she just didn't understand my Aspie problems, so couldn't help in that area, because she didn't grasp what was going wrong.
Good luck on finding some options that give you peace.