Where do I start?
I'll explain it the way I understand it.
9 year old 'pre-teen' (referring to this rebellious behaviour) that thinks she knows everything + attitude+ADHD+ (IMO ODD as well)+sees me as less than because I'm not in a relationship+has never taken responsibility for anything she has ever done or said+impulsive+manipulative+careless+des tructive+resentful that she is an only child+hates the fact that I work+***Also takes things literally+She wants me to cut off all outside professionals and I suspect that she's trying to control the situation. I know that having someone else in the house might change a few things but this is a child that scared two grown adults who babysat her for a week a few years ago. They were stunned at 1. How smart she was 2. That she uses that intelligence to harm others with absolutely no signs of remorse. Her school thought I was nuts for years until she did something that took three adults collaborating to find out what exactly it was she was doing at school. She picks up the phone if I'm on it, opens any mail or letters sent to me from the school, selectively ignores me when I speak. She just decides she's not going to answer and when you look at her she just glares back at you.
Me: Speaking in general tires me. I have poor control over emotions (crying mostly; it's an either or type of thing) + logic thinking+dealing with hypersensitivity to light, sound, touch, etc.+inability to convey the severity of the problem to others other than by typing. The words just don't come out of my mouth+I am horrible at arguing with people and try to avoid it as much as possible +fatigue (When I have to speak more have emotional upset, it is physically draining). I am afraid of my child when she is not on her meds because 1. I'm sensitive in the first place; 2. I stay away from painful things as much as possible which is impossible because it's my child. 3. Her irrationality is causing me to feel... imagine someone bashing their head against a wall over and over and over and over and over as a way of soothing one's self. 4. One of my 'gifts' is reading other people's behaviour so needless to say, I've been trying to ring an alarm about my child since she was about 4 years old. I became concerned when she was 3. Of course, that is too young for anyone to take anything I say seriously so here we are.
If she is going to be the way she is, I must protect myself. I compare what I go through with my child to be abusive. It hurts. I imagine a mouse in a corner being poked with a stick; not the action per se but the effect it would have on the mouse's psyche. I don't know how else to describe it.
It's like a mental malfunction for me. It doesn't make sense. Her professionals don't seem to be interested in her behaviour and just want to medicate her. Well guess what? As she gets older, she won't take the medication and all hell WILL break loose. This blanket approach that these doctors have been using is doing more for the people around her than it is my child.
Add on the fact that most therapist will NOT speak with me through typing which basically removes any possibility that we can address this issue effectively when we are in person. When the tears start flowing, they don't stop. I can't be 'going there' in someone's office and be expected to turn off the tears. It has nothing to do with logic at that point but basically something upset me which is fine and even if conclusions or solutions are made, I continue to cry for no reason. I can't turn it off.
3 professionals involved; one for Aspergers; one for ADHD and one for our relationship. The ADHD and Relationship experts don't understand Aspergers. The way I say things sends the wrong message. I write it down but then they look at my demeanor and what I write and things don't add up. They have dismissed my concern about ODD even though her father is obviously has CD. They end up doing more damage than good. It's painful to go through and I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces again.
Basically, I need support with this. I need to find a rational strategy about how to keep my sanity and still parent my 9 year old whose behavious has and does scare the crap out of me. I live a pretty solitary lifestyle and no one is there to witness this crisis situation I believe we are in.
I'm sure you have questions and there's a lot of grey areas so feel free to ask.
Oh, gee, I cannot imagine the trauma you are faced with every day. Your emotional state sounds much like mine, but I was blessed with a child who usually wanted to please, and it was STILL hard for me.
Suggestions - is there a father or other relative in the picture who could take her for a week at a time? You need some relief. We have to take good care of ourselves to be able to take care of someone else.
I have had good luck typing out what I needed to say, and handing it to my counselor to read when I walked in her door. One/two pages at a time, not a book. You might write down a situation that happened, read it out loud, and ask your counselor for advice/ direction on how the situation could have been handled differently. Somehow, you need a method of getting the words out to the counselor so they can help you.
Learning how to set clear boundaries, and being ok if your child "gets mad" at you would help too. A lot of her behavior sounds like she has learned to manipulate you royally. You have to learn to not let it. If you're the primary caregiver, you have to teach her where the line is drawn. Set clear rules such as - "you can't pick up the phone when I'm on it", for example. And make sure there are consequences. Best ones are "natural ones". You break the phone rule, you can't use the phone for xx amount of time. You open my mail, I'll call (or email) your teacher to get it straight from her, and you will be grounded (or restricted from something enjoyable, you get the picture.)
Here's something that helped me with manipulation. My ex was always laying guilt trips on me. I had to learn that there is guilt when I do something that I'm not proud of. That's "real" guilt that prompts me into correcting the situation. Then there is anger that I convert into guilt when someone tries to get me to do something I don't want to do, even after I've told them NO. Once I learned to express that anger as anger (instead of guilt), or just stand my ground like a broken record and not give in, it became easy to sidestep the manipulation. A good book to read is "The Angry Book" by Theodore Rubin. It talks about how we convert anger into other emotions.
Hunt for another "relationship expert" who understands Aspergers. Those who don't, can't help you with this no matter what they say. Been there, done that. I went to a psychologist who helped with the relationship/ dysfunctional family stuff for 15 years. Once diagnosed, I changed to one who knew Apsergers, and it was like starting all over. Not to say the first doctor was "bad", she just didn't understand my Aspie problems, so couldn't help in that area, because she didn't grasp what was going wrong.
Good luck on finding some options that give you peace.