First of all, welcome!
You are in the right place for support, compassion and a plethora of knowledge.
I understand how you feel. Do you have children? I am married with 4 small boys. I had surgery on June 30 for a collapsed L4-L5 disc. Before my surgery, even though my family is great, I'm sure they got tired of the long list of things I just didn't want to do because of causing more pain. But right now you can't help it. It's not your fault that you have this problem.
From what I have read here, 8 1/2 mm is very large. I had a bulging disc but it only showed up as 3 mm and it was painful. That was before my disc collapsed.
You have every right to want to avoid doing things that cause more pain. It's just human nature. I think you should just do what you have to do right now to be as comfortable as possible. Your family will come around.
If you have surgery, hopefully you'll feel better soon after and start to be back to doing some of those family things you love.
Best of luck to you! Keep us posted on how you are doing.
And feel free to come here any time to let it out. That's what we're here for!