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Old 01-28-2005, 03:50 PM   #1
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rachelmc HB User
help....i feel so down

hi everyone,
I feel like i am going mad. i am taking everything out on my kids i dont know what to do..
i am 1 yr 9 months post op evrything that could go wrong has.
i feel like i want to go away from everyone, im useless in everyway i cant do normal things with my family no matter how much i try.
when i try to talk to people about how i feel they just nod and say i understand BUT THEY DONT.
I feel so alone even though i have my kids and husband. Maybe i feel like this as my baby starts school this week and i will have nothing to do all day as there is no way i can work.
sorry this doesnt make sense at all
rachel

 
Old 01-28-2005, 03:57 PM   #2
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aestrella411 HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

Oh I am so sorry about how you feel right now! It must be so hard to go through what you are going through. I haven't had surgery and aren't planning on to unless I have to, but I know what kind of pain you are in. I know the feeling of being so "useless." You are certainly not alone in this rachelmc. I empathize with you. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you get out of feeling this way. If there is just name it and I'll make every effort to try. I have a question, post op, what surgery did you have, and what did it fix, and how have you been recovering? Did they make you go to PT or did you exercise yourself once you were able to? Have the docs given you medicine to help with the pain of recovering? It is drastic to be going through this pain and bad feelings when your first is starting school! It's so hard for that. I remember my baby niece first starting school and even though she's not my child, I helped raise her as the rest of my family and it's hard. As to nothing to do all day, are there things you can do? Maybe take up a hobby or something. I work even though I have this terrible pain but need money to keep paying for medical care but if I were in your situation, I would pick up playing music again. That's something that once you get into it it's so rewarding. But that's just me. I dunno, I'm rambling now but hopefully you feel maybe a little bit bettre now...-Anita

 
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Old 01-28-2005, 03:58 PM   #3
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aestrella411 HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

I'm thinking happy thoughts right now and am sending them your way! Be sure to catch em!

 
Old 01-28-2005, 04:05 PM   #4
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rachelmc HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

hi anita,
I had a fusion at l/4 l/5 and a disc replacement, i did go to pt and exercised and went back to work but to no avail, i think if i did have work to go to i would feel better but have recieved drs report to say never again. I have nurofen plus and panadine forte for the pain next step is morphine but that is somthing i wont take as im scared of addiction.
the baby thats going to school is my youngest i think thats what makes it so hard.
i had planned to go to full time employment when this occcasion occcured .
thanks for repling rachel

 
Old 01-29-2005, 08:04 AM   #5
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cincigirl HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

I feel that depression you are feel;ing, and I haven't even had my surgery yet...its not till the 17th. I just sit around and feel like crying...I feel like everyone is tired of hearing about how bad my back hurts. I know I am tired of talking about it. Its rough, sometimes you feel like you are alone in this world. I guess we just need to remember that no matter what, we have to pick ourselves up and go on for our kids, and don't let them see us defeated. Even though we may feel that way. Ya know?
I pray, didn't used to, but my family is pretty religious, and have put me on about every prayer list, so I have started myself, I find that at least for a few moments, I feel some peace.
Hope you are doing better.

 
Old 01-29-2005, 09:48 AM   #6
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Mistina HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

I don't understand why they say never to work again. I have T1 to L1 fused along with L4 L5 and I will be going back to work next week. I have never gotton any information telling me never to work again. You need a job to accomodate you. I would think you would need some normalacy in your life like a job to keep your sanity. Maybe you should reconsider. I'm sorry you are going through so much. Are you in pain or just think it is triggered by the depression? I go through all those thoughts too since I was so limited for three years now I'm just starting on getting my muscles back. They are shot and have atrophy really bad but I'm determined to get better. This is my last choice, it's up to me or noone. I wish you all the luck.
I hope better days are coming for you!!!

Christina

 
Old 01-30-2005, 04:20 PM   #7
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myspine HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

Hi Rachel
Oh yes all that does make sense to most of us I am sure at one time or another. I have many days like that. Why do you feel like everything is going wrong? I know how you feel about people nodding, you get to the point that you just tell people your fine because that is what they want to hear. I am sorry your having such a tough time right now , but know that you can always come here and there are people who truly know what you feel. Good luck and sending your way.
shelley

 
Old 01-30-2005, 04:46 PM   #8
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injured betty HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

rachel: How come they said that you can't work? Work is what keeps the mind busy. It centers us. Can you see if you can do some kind of volunteer work, if only for a few hours a day and see if that helps? That might work into a job. A lot of the mothers where I work volunteer and eventually become teacher's aides. It is a great job and very rewarding. Pay isn't great, but it gives them a sense of accomplishment.

Pain can take over one's life to the point that you don't feel connected anymore. That is why it is so important to have a hobby, a part time job if you can or even a few hours of volunteering.

When you are with the kids, it makes you feel young again and they really bring up a person's self esteem and self worth. I know that pain has a way of bringing it down.

I was able to get away from pain meds by working with kids. See if you can volunteer a day or two, or for a few hours, in the classroom. Nothing heavy, just arts and crafts or one on one or correcting papers. You would not believe what a difference being around kids, other than your own, can make.

just a thought,

 
Old 01-30-2005, 09:30 PM   #9
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rachelmc HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

hi all,
First of all they have said I will never be fit enough to be gainfully employed again because while the fusion has taken (so They say, I still have the old pain as well as new) ,the nerves have become so damaged that there is nothing that can be done and likely more than not they will continue to deteriorate untill my left leg has gone comlpetly ( half the time when im walking it goes paralyised and i fall where i stand or am trying to walk).
Please dont get me wrong or picture me as someone who sits down all day crying and saying I cant do that.
Because i am really exactly the oppisite every morning after my hubby wakes me (sometimes with tablets so i can move) I get myself out of bed and get the kids off to school and persevere through the pain to clean the house (to the best of my ability, spray disinfectant on the bath then throw water over it to rinse, no more scrubbing) , then i cook tea and do whatever else has to be done (all without complaining unless i am here by myself with no one to hear)
Then around nine thirty at night after the kids are in bed as my hubby puts it my Mask falls off he says that when no one else is around or likly to see the pain shows.
thank you everyone for your happy thoughts and prayers.
I do feel better than i did the other day
rachel

 
Old 01-30-2005, 10:03 PM   #10
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krisbearsc HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

[QUOTE=rachelmc]hi everyone,
I feel like i am going mad. i am taking everything out on my kids i dont know what to do..
i am 1 yr 9 months post op evrything that could go wrong has.
i feel like i want to go away from everyone, im useless in everyway i cant do normal things with my family no matter how much i try.
when i try to talk to people about how i feel they just nod and say i understand BUT THEY DONT.
I feel so alone even though i have my kids and husband. Maybe i feel like this as my baby starts school this week and i will have nothing to do all day as there is no way i can work.
sorry this doesnt make sense at all
rachel[/QUOTE] trust me i feel the same way----- i feel useless depressed and sad i can not walk sit lay nothing it is driving me nuts

 
Old 01-30-2005, 11:45 PM   #11
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lori j HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

May I join the club? I too am in the same place. I have been dealing with this pain since late Oct. I have tried many things & nothing has worked yet. I'm sick of being strung out on pills & cannot do a thing but sit in front of the t.v. I feel useless & like a vegetable. I feel so hopeless & hate waking up anymore. Each day is like the one before with little meaning to me anymore.

 
Old 01-31-2005, 02:13 AM   #12
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rachelmc HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

hi all
you would not believe how relieved i feel to hear other people in the situation (im not glad we all hurt) it makes you feel less mad to know others feel the same i have not met one person face to face with the same problem and that is hard.
so lets all yrt to keep smilin
rachel

 
Old 01-31-2005, 06:43 AM   #13
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Madonna HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

My husband had an L4 & L5 fusion with hardware in December. He is 7 weeks post op today. He is very down and depressed. He doesnt know how much longer he can tolerate the pain. He says he feels like it will never get any better. He takes 20 mg of oxy and about 5 percs a day. He is worried about addiction.

We had a horrible experience with the whole surgery thing, the hospital, doctor, all of it. He has post traumatic stress as well. So do I.

He has a doctors appointment today to see if he has fused any more. I sure hope so. Now we understand why surgery is a last resort.

 
Old 01-31-2005, 10:19 AM   #14
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haylee HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

Dear Rechelmc, Im sorry to hear about your pain but Im also glad that Im not going crazy!!! Ive had L4L5 fusion too. Somedays I hurt so bad I wish I never had the surgery! Im feeling better in my mind because I thought it was just me. I hope you feel better Im going to therapy now bye haylee

 
Old 01-31-2005, 09:23 PM   #15
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rachelmc HB User
Re: help....i feel so down

hi all,
well today was D day my last baby went to big school she loved it, when i got home from taking her i walked into the house and it hit me ........What am i going to do all day ?
i mean it doesnt matter how much you try to do something or want to do something the pain is still there and Very real.
this board is great for support but what we do have to realise what works for some does not work for others.
pt for me was an absolute nightmare while some would say i should have perservered with it , there was no way i could have i cannot stand Anyone touching my back at all,
even though i have stopped going i still do strengthining exercises and have just gotten a treadmill to use at intervals through out the day to work up endurance so i can go for a long walk without my leg going on me and falling over (how embarrising is that).
Like i said before it is great to be able to come to this site and relate to so much of what is said but i do think it would be nice to sit over a cup of coffee and talk face to face with someone who is going through the same instead of having coffe with people and saying "Im feeling pretty good" when you really want to say " i feel like hell" while tears are streaming down your face .
any way enough for now .
rachel

 
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