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Old 02-12-2005, 05:49 PM   #1
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memawhurts HB User
Angry Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

I hate to do this because I hate to bring any more negativity to the boards than I have to, but I just can't take anymore. I feel like I'm sinking and can't find my way back to the surface. I don't even know where to start.

I guess I'll start with the petty stuff first. My internet service was out for 5 days until they could get it fixed. I felt lost without you guys. I didn't realize how much I needed you until I didn't have you. Well It's been back on for about a week now and I've been reading but just haven't been able to really post any replies. Just not up to it.

Okay on to the next petty thing. My hubby and I were argueing about something, again petty, don't even remember what it was about. But he walked out of the room saying, "I'm the one that hurts, not you!" Now I know he has a lot of pain in his knees from his job of over 25 yrs. And he has athritis in his wrists and elbows, so I know he hurts. But he has been through all of this with me and stood by me through it all. And he has seen what I have had to deal with, and for him to say that, just brought my world to an end. He has since apologized and said he didn't mean it, but I know he feels that way at least a little. He's tired of it too.

Next thing, and last, I promise. PT is killing me. I love going there, everyone is great there. I do whatever they ask me too, plus what they tell me to do at home. But it is making my pain unbeareable. I honestly think there is just a problem with the surgery itself. I have been taking lortab only when I absolutely couldn't stand it anymore. But my PT told me she wanted me to take it at least 4x/day and keep it constant. Since it wasn't working, when I called for a refill, I asked my surgeon if I could try something comparable in strength, since maybe I had become tolerant to it. I called on Monday morning and didn't hear anything back until 5:00 Tuesday evening. Because it's Workers comp, the nurse said she would have to mail it to me so I would have the paper rx. The office is over an hour away. I was completely out at this point. Finally got the rx on Friday. By then I was going through withdrawals, shaking, nauseated, dizzy, and pain through the roof . I was begging my husband to just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Of course he wouldn't, and I doubt I could have let him anyway, lol. The new rx was for ultracet. I've had them before and they didn't help much then, but I'm willing to give them another try. I just hope it takes away these withdrawal feelings. It has helped some, but not completely gone.

Okay, pity party over. If you made it through this whole thing, I appreciate you taking the time to read. I feel a little better already.

Best Wishes,
Memaw

 
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Old 02-12-2005, 06:31 PM   #2
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mel1977 HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

I am so very sorry. we need a new pity board-you should read my post on the depression boards. Just wrote it tonight. I understand and wish I had some helpful words. If I did, I'd be an inbucil considering the depression thread. I do wish you well though and hope the ultracet works this time around. I wish you all the best memaw, I truly do.

 
Old 02-12-2005, 06:40 PM   #3
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Mel,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and read this book I wrote. I will definitely read your posts, maybe it will help me too. I am also sorry for everything that you are having to go through. I have really been worried about you. Are things going OK?

I think we started off on the wrong foot, but I"m glad we were adult enough to move past it, lol. I truly consider you a friend and I value your words of kindness and encouragement.

Take care of yourself,
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 07:00 PM   #4
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NewLeaf HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Memaw, I am new to the boards, I am so sorry that you are in such pain and have had some words with your hubby. I am having Laminectomy/Diskectomy surgery the 28 and hope to get some stronger pain meds as my ultraset just doesn't work anymore after taking it for a year. What kind of surgery did you have? Leaf

 
Old 02-12-2005, 07:08 PM   #5
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

NewLeaf,
I had a revision PLIF of L4-L5, L5-S1. I fell at work and knocked some screws loose from previous surgery. I had the revision done in Sept, 2004, so I expected to be back at work and feeling a lot better than I am right now. But I have not had any relief from the surgery so far. Still keeping my fingers crossed though. I think my case is unusual because you seem to hear more successful cases than the unsuccessful ones, so don't let this get you down in any way.

Best of luck to you on your surgery and I'm sure they will give you something stronger after surgery.
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 07:16 PM   #6
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Dear Mel,
I just finished reading your post on the other board and to be honest, I think you should copy it and post it on this board. I think you would get a lot more understanding here because we know you "so well". (ok as well as we can on a forum).

I'm am soooo very sorry for the feelings you are having. I can relate to some, but you are going through so much more than I am, that I feel really stupid to have posted in the first place.

If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I'm usually here all night if you just need to talk. And if you can't talk to us, please find a family member or friend, if you can't do the counselor right now. You can't keep these feelings in.

Please remember, I'm here and so many others that care about you.
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 07:19 PM   #7
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myspine HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Hi Mema
Well first off You know that when you were fighting with your husband he wanted to say the one thing he knew that would hurt you if only for that minute and only out of anger. Living with chronic pain is a nightmare, and I often have said it is so sad that my three kids will grow up with a memory of their mom always going to the doctor and having surgery after surgery how sad that makes me for them, they did not ask to be brought into this. Oh how I wish for days that this was not my life and that they knew a mom with out pain. I think my oldest doesn't even, he was 4 when I had my first surgery and now he is 13 and I just had my 4th surgery last month, my other two are 1 and 5 . I can't imagine how they suffer either having to live with someone with chronic back/neck problems. Words are very hurtful , and people like us have enough pain, and even our spouses do not know how much we endure.

Second........Ultracet ? did they say why they were taking you from 4 Lortabs per day to Ultracet? That is a significant difference. I am sorry , I do not remember your history or if you have already had surgery or not. Have you been on the other med for awhile before switching like that?

Third... Do not ever worry about bringing anything to the board when it comes to the way you are feeling. that is why we all come here, If people are only here for the good things, then it would not be a support system. If someone finds that a post brings them down then they need to close that post and let another person respond who may be able to give a well needed hand up .Tomorrow is another day..maybe not a better one.....but just maybe it could be Take care
shelley

 
Old 02-12-2005, 08:55 PM   #8
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cna02 HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Hey Memaw,
This is a wonderful place to vent, whether or not you get many replies, I enjoy coming here. The physical and mental status of what our bodies
go thru, is unreal. How much can one person go thru, is beyond me. I
know how you feel! Stress and pain is the worst!!!
I talked to someone today, that is 18 months post-op from a fusion,
just like me(3 months post-op), and she said its a long old road, but
you can get thru it. Its like 2 steps forward and 1 step back for a long
time, but it does get easier. And if you're like me, I'm NOT a patient
person.

Since my surgeries(3 total with a near death experience with #2-
developing staph infection and bi-lateral pneumonia) and God's &
my guardian angel/s , looking out for me; its time to start
Live live like were dying(Tim McGraw song). Plus when I went to my
beautician the other day, this girl's mother, is a close friend of
my husband that he used to work with, and she told me that,
my husband would call her late of an evening to talk; especially when
I was in the hospital, and would even ask her to pray for me,
that took alot for my husband to do, and yes-just like you, we
fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but that showed me, he
loves me very much! So, sometimes I have to overlook the
frustration I see in him, since I am a chronic illness person. I also
have psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, diabetes and diabetic neuropathy,
and now back surgeries, to deal with; all at the age of 39.

Now I'm sorry that I vented alot-just remember-you and your
husband are never alone. This place feels like family.......
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.....................

cna02

 
Old 02-12-2005, 08:57 PM   #9
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mel1977 HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

memaw, thanks-your post is just as needed as mine. Our problems may be different but that doesn't mean they aren't just as important. hubby and I had a long discussion and our marriage will have a testing period. Failure pops into my head and I don't know what I want. Chronic pain, our pasts, our tempers our wants. these affect us so much and gosh, anyway, getting ahead of myself-anyway, we know what we need to do-it is the outcome that is not known. I shouldn't get into it too much and get ahead of myself. I just hope that you can get through these hard times for you too. I hadn't been on here b/c my mom is in town and I think part of my "melt down" tonight was b/c I hadn't gotten on here this week to vent when I needed. Anyway-I do so appreciate your offer and I offer the same. HOpefully we'll get to where we need to be.

 
Old 02-12-2005, 09:23 PM   #10
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Myspine,
I'm sorry to hear that your children have to see you go through the pain and worries that you have endured. My children were teenagers when my back problems started.
But my husband and I have been raising my 6 yr old great niece since she was a baby and we have a 4 yr old grandson and neither one understand why I hurt all the time and can't play with them like they want or I can't pick them up. They just can't understand.

My history in short version is I had a laminectomy in 9/1999, a 2 level fusion in 1/2001.
I fell at work in 1/2004 and finally had to have the fusion completely redone in 9/2004.
When I needed a refill of my lortab, I asked if there was something else comparable in strength he could give me since they didn't seem to help anymore, and I thought maybe I had built a tolerance to them. So he sent me a script for the ultracet, so we shall see.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement and I hope that you are doing well.
Best wishes,
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 09:33 PM   #11
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

cna02
You are so right. This is a wonderful place to come to just to talk things over. At least you know the people on here really do understand what you are going through. My husband is like me, he's just frustrated with the whole mess and he needs to vent sometimes too. It's just hard not to take it personally sometimes. But I do want to say that he is a wonderful person and has done everything for me that I know a lot of other men or women would not have done. He is very supportive, but he is a little angry right now because the dr hasn't "fixed" me. He told me last night that, "your dr is gonna have to do something to help you, because you can't go on like this." I don't want to leave the wrong impression about him because I wouldn't trade him for the world, (well usually, lol).

It really sounds like you have been through a lot and I truly hope things are better for you now.
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 09:44 PM   #12
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Mel,
I agree, I think part of my problem is not feeling up to getting on here and being able to vent or at least wish others good luck. The withdrawals I was going through really kicked my butt, not only physically, but emotionally also. I dread having to go back through that again. Hopefully when the time comes that I can stop the meds for good I will be able to taper off and hopefully that will be a lot easier.

I'm am really concerned about you. You don't sound at all like the Mel we know. Please talk to someone. I know you can't be the same person you were with what you are dealing with, but there is just a very disturbing tone in your writings. And I meant what I said, I care a lot about what happens to you. I never thought I could get so close to people through cyberspace, but now I know it's possible.

Again anything at all I can do, please just ask, even if it's just to tell me to shutup and leave you alone.

Feel better soon,
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 09:56 PM   #13
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mel1977 HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

gosh, that brought tears to my eyes. You are right and I am not me right now. I feel numb and angry, depressed and sad. And scared. This just tipped me, too much at once and no where to turn to get a smile. My husband is calm, he is "fine" and I said, but I am not!
You know I have been having tsunami dreams? Also dreams about other men, usually actors. Lets see, last night it was Matthew Lilliard. Anyway, what is my subconscious trying to tell me? Do I feel like I am drowning? Being washed away? Gosh, wish freud was around! WE'll get counseling as soon as we can afford it again. Though, I hope we make it til then. Started another thread on relationship health, that one truly is a book and is redundant of another post, but each post has a different main question. Anyway-I hope to be "normal" again soon-my dog goes home with my mom tomorrow, I will miss him. Next weekend my MIL comes into town. Then, off we go to home. It will be a while til we get internet again at her house(we lived in the boonies), so I'd have to hijack my sister's computer I think. WEll, thank you and I will try to bounce back as soon as I can. I promise.

 
Old 02-12-2005, 10:21 PM   #14
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memawhurts HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

Mel,
Just do what you need to, so you can take care of yourself. Right now that is your number 1 priority. You don't have to be told that stress and depression can set you way back. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be the tough woman we all know you can be. Don't make any life changing decisions right now while you are going through this. I know you have too about your living conditions, but not with your marriage, at least I hope not.

You have always spoken so lovingly about your hubby and how supportive he has been. And you could just feel the love that you have for him. Trust me, I've been married for 26 yrs, and there have been plenty of times that I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Every marriage has it's ups and downs, just like the one I just had with my hubby last week, I came very close to walking out and moving in with my sister. But once I calm down, I realize that I will never find another man who would do what he has done for me or love me like he has loved me.

I hope this can help you in some way. Just take those decisions very slowly and think very carefully before deciding on anything that could be permanent. And if you want to tell me to mind my own business, go right ahead, cause I know it's not my business and it won't hurt my feelings.

Good luck and hugs,
Memaw

 
Old 02-12-2005, 10:52 PM   #15
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mel1977 HB User
Re: Sorry! Guess I need to vent a little or a lot!!

oh gosh no memaw, please tell me what is on your mind. I think the biggest issue for us: we are three days apart in age, both scorpios (not the best match, but if they can get through the tough times...), both hot headed with quick fierce tongues. He is yells loud and cusses, I get my feelings hurt. At the same time, we are very different in how we grew up(I had many friends, cheerleader "popular", college sorority, used to go dancing (clubbing))(he had few friends, used to get picked on, never goes out, not popular,) though we both did some sports which is good. We have so many different opinions that when we discuss them, we fight. If he won't go out with me or won't "LET" me, we fight, we fight over money and what he considers "your stupid stuff" and so on. Anyway-with everything else being cruddy, I take all my angers previously and roll them into one big poop ball. I think it is my self esteem. I have to work on liking myself he says, which I understand, but don't know how to. Well, I don't want to bore. Hubby is so supportive where he can be, not so good though in some areas, he says he doesn't know how to be. That is why I think we need a counselor, plus he said he doesn't know how to cope with my chronic pain. That is a biggie.
So, taking heed on what you said-I will take a step back, try and lift my chin up and move forward. I think I will hit the gym again and maybe get on the treadmill. Gotta work this tension out somehow.
Thank you so much for talking to me-I do feel better and welcome any more thoughts.

 
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