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Old 05-22-2006, 07:15 PM   #1
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Unhappy Lost

I have been in pain now for three years, almost to the date. I had an injury that involved a twist push and then a fall.

I have tried everything that the doctors have to offer and more. I finally ended up in PM. The guy had me see a shrink who told me that it was a memory of a pain. If it is a memory of a pain then why do I wake up pain free and only have pain when I sit?

So, the DO ordered X-rays. I get in there and am lying down and I tell the tech that it only hurts when I sit and ask, can't they take them when I am sitting and she says no. This is three x-rays in, so I am already out money. Lot of good that did. The theory was that when I sit, my tailbone is somehow pushing on a nerve. The PT wants to stick their hand in my rectum and move my tailbone so I insisted on x-rays first.

So, I was feeling suicidal and looking at guns. I knew that was not normal thinking so I called up a shrink and went to see him. He was having a very bad day and told me so. He is head of the mental ward at the local hospital.

Anyway, I tell him my story, how pain meds make me manic as I am bi-polar and that I have been in severe depression for the last three years, no mania here, and that the pain was driving me to suicidal thoughts. This is what he said to me, I kid you not;

"You have two choices, number one (as he held up one finger), deal with it. Number two (another finger into the air), off yourself."

I asked him what he would do if I was in the psych ward. He said, "Release you".

I thought that if you were posing a threat to yourself or others that they would either lock you up or give you anti-depressants. He offered neither. I was obviously in pain. I was lying on the floor when he came to get me as sitting is so painful.

Has anyone ever heard of any doctors who have said this to anyone? I literally sat in my car in shock and cried, not being able to drive home. It took all that I had to leave the house and drive there in the first place as driving causes me EXTREME pain.

If the Medical Director of the hospital, the head honcho, the guy with the years of medical school and medical degrees tells you this, how are you supposed to feel???????

I have been to nineteen different doctors. All of them admit that I have pain. The acupunturist watched the needles twist and dance with my contorting muscle spasms. The PT says that my core is a mess. The DO says that I need PM. The PM has me on an RS Stimulator that shoots me full of electricity two times a day for 45 minutes at a time to tire out my muscles.

How come these doctors are allowed to practice on us and charge us money and then talk to us the way that they do????

I could see it if I had EVER asked for any medication. But now I think that is the problem. They know how to give meds. The see you, write out a script and then send you on your way. But, meds make me manic. I took them and hurt myself more. I was out cutting berry bushes and dropped a brick on my toe and broke my toe nail and didn't even feel it. I was all cut up from the bushes. I was so manic that I trimmed my entire front yard with clippers and now have this huge blister on my thumb. Now I remember why I was not taking pain meds. Some times I just want to accomplish something and pull my weight.

They tell me to exercise but even upper body exercise involves either laying and putting pressure on my tailbone or sitting. Standing is my only option and I can walk for hours on end. But, I can't work because I can't drive and there is nothing near. I have no financial incentive to be injured, there is no one to sue, I did this to myself and my place of employment makes no settlements on the spine. I knew that going in.

I am just venting. I am not sure if I am angry or hurt or crazy or all of the above. I wish that I had tape recorded what the shrink had said to me. I would have sent it to his bosses.

So, if you have read this far....

Does anyone else out there use the RS Stimulator and does it work for you? Anyone have any suggestions? I have no place left to turn. They tell me that I have seen the best that the area has to offer. I am willing to travel. Any suggestions?

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Old 05-23-2006, 08:51 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 8
takeitaway HB User
Re: Lost

i really feel for you i know what this is like) sitting in constant pain, i have the same thing my PT is using russian on me, with exercise at home and PM but so far it's not really helping i go see a OS the 31st to get set up for a MRI, if that's something you haven't tried i recommend going to see a OS the one i see specializes in the spine me and my daughter see him alot lol, something else my PT has me do when i sit i have a pillow that looks like a big tootsie roll behind my lower back it dont hurt as much when i get up from sitting if i remember to use it lol good luck and hope you get some help soon

Old 05-23-2006, 09:50 AM   #3
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Re: Lost

Thank you for the response. I have had it all, MRI, CT, X-ray, PT, water therapy, Prolotherapy, acupunture, manipualtions, yoga, exercise, walk, walk, walk, Hypnosis, EMBR, white noise therapy, $400 worth of shocks put on my car, the roll behind your back, the pillow that you sit on, the pillow that you put between your knees at night, pain managment specialists, spine specialists, neuros, shrinks, yet no one can find the exact source of my pain. Each of the nineteen doctors in three years all have a different opinion and I am beginning to believe that I am crazy.

I can't even begin to think of what to do next. This is bankrupting me both physically and mentally.

Old 05-23-2006, 11:05 AM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 437
charliecat31 HB User
Re: Lost

I can't offer any help, but wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope someday VERY soon you find some relief to your pain and suffering. Please do not do anything to hurt yourself in anyway. The doctor you saw that gave you two options is an idiot.
I wish I had some answers for you, but I do hope that you find some soon. Hang in there and good luck

Old 05-23-2006, 11:34 AM   #5
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 372
kera4 HB User
Re: Lost

Dear Moonlight, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain! I understand your frustration with tailbone pain-I have that too. I have arthritis in the facet joints in my lower back as well as a bulging/degenerated disc. But I also get the tailbone pain, and there doesn't seem to be much the doctors can do about it. I was telling my doctor that I can't sit very long, and he said, "Well you'll just have to stand up." As if I haven't been doing that for the past 7 years! I do use the TENS machine for pain control. I find it works well if I put it on the muscles around the area (on my rear end). But, it does NOT feel good if I get it too close to my spine or tail bone. I know how hurtful it is when doctors say rude/unfeeling things. I wish they would just say they do not know what to do instead of reacting that way. I will be thinking and praying for you. Let us know how you are doing....Kera

Old 05-23-2006, 11:37 AM   #6
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Location: USA
Posts: 1,648
mamakitkat HB User
Re: Lost

I'm so sorry to hear of your dilemma, hurting yourself is not the answer. I too have been thru many many Dr.'s until I found the right one. I had MS, a brain tumor(was just a shadow on MRI) and many more, I was told it was all in my head, it took a simple x-ray to find my problem, but because the pain was not in my back they never looked there. When my back finally started hurting I insisted on an x-ray, the Dr. not knowing I could hear him, looked at the film and said " holy ----, I can' t believe what I'm seeing" He then came and told me he didn't think anyone could fix me. Now I could have took that and spent my whole life suffering, I didn't, I kept looking. The moral of my story is there are good Dr.'s out there, not many but they are there. Please keep looking, and insist on the care you deserve.

You are not alone, please use these boards to vent, to search, or to not feel like your so alone.

God Bless !

"Thru every dark corner is a door to a new light"
(Dana Reeve)
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Old 05-23-2006, 11:05 PM   #7
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Re: Lost

I had so looked forward to seeing a different PM today. He is a MD that is listed as a PM. We went through the whole exam and I was really honest with him about the number of doctors and therapist that I have seen. We talked at length about the fact that I was suicidal and that I am bi-polar. That means alot to doctors. When you are manic, you don't feel pain. When you take pain meds, while being depressed, they make you manic and because of the condition of being bi-polar, you process pain differently.

I was VERY specific with him about my experience with the shrink and told him that I was in the down side right now, Clinically depressed. He went on to tell me that no one should prescribe anti-depressants for persons who suffer from this disorder or who are suicidal. I thought that he understood. He ever referred me to two doctors in the area who treat bi-polar persons.

When I was leaving his office he asked me about pain meds. I told him that I don't take them, again because of the bi-polar. He put away his script pad and then handed me some samples for Cymbalta (SP?) I had to pick up a script for an anti nausea script anyway, so I asked the pharmacist about the Cymbalta. He said that it was an anti-depressant and that it should never be prescribed to people suffering from bi-polar disorder or mania. Or, suicidal tendencies.

I had spent two hours in this guys's office and he didn't even listen.

He is offering me more Prolotherapy. I also have an option to do an ESI in the SI joint for diagnostic measures, but he discouraged that. I picked him out of my insurance book, under pain management.

He talked about burning the nerves, and other procedures but said that I am not a candidate for a block.

I was going to seriously consider the prolo, but it is not covered by insurance and I have to pay for it with cash. I stil was thinking about it until the pharmicist told me to call my doctor and tell him that I could not take the Cymbalta. What was he thinking? Was he just thinking about his next round of golf?

The guy is listed as preferred on our insurance, but his procedures are not. So, they pay for the consultation where he tried to sell you on a procedure that is not covered. I am even more confused now.

I have a plan in place. I am going to start giving my stuff away and tying up loose ends. They shoot horses, don't they?????

This is not for sure, but a person should have an option when all else fails.

Any imput????

Anyone here on this drug? Side effects?

Old 05-24-2006, 12:19 PM   #8
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 274
HurtinHouston HB User
Re: Lost


I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through, but before you give it all up and away, please listen. I do understand your pain and frustration with the insurance and medical communities. I don't know if you remember me, but I was told by the WC Designated Doctor to get a through neurological evaluation last February. I recently discovered the rheumatologist's note on my blood work from December 2005 referring me back to my orthopedic doctor and recommending a neurological eval. then. I was finally sent to a neurologist in March and WC has refused to let him do any tests, including the ones their doctor requested be done. I've done everything in my own power to get my insurance to cover it, too, but that's not happening either...the door's shut.

I got so down and frustrated I wasn't fit to be around. I withdrew from everyone. My marriage is still in trouble because of my illness and attitude about it, but I know God is going to heal it, too. Seriously, I didn't think I was going to make it and I was to the point I didn't really care. Put me out of my misery!

But one day I was sitting here with the TV on and a young preacher started talking about being more than a conqueror and being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens us. He reminded me that God loves me and that I matter as much as anyone else. I may not be "perfect" in my body, mind or spirit, but I'm exactly who God made me to be... right now.

Moonlight, God loves you, too. Before anything was anything He knew that you were going to be in your circumstances physically and emotionally...right God has a plan for your life. It may look like everything is coming apart at the seams, but, if you will just let Him, He's going to take the torn fabric of your life and make you a beautiful new royal robe. Let go of your pain and let God heal your heart first. Once He's made a change in you, He'll make a change in your circumstances, too. Trust Him!

I've seen it. I know His promises are true. God is opening doors for me to get the treatment and diagnosis I need. If and when I need to have the neurological tests done, He will open that door, too. Meanwhile, He is working everything together for my good and I am already getting help from so many different directions it's mind blowing!

You can receive the peace of God to go on in this life if you will only ask Jesus into your heart.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believed in Him should not parish, but have eternal life."

I don't know if there are rules against my "preaching" out here, but I don't really care right now. Moonlight, you are more important than my getting kicked out of the boards. There are a lot of us out here who care about you. So, if I don't get to come back, keep talking to them. I'll be praying for you.


Old 05-24-2006, 12:50 PM   #9
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Cambridge, MA
Posts: 293
JoeD617 HB User
Re: Lost

All I have to say is that you should get help asap. I am a victim of suicide, my fiance decided to end it back in 2001. Let me say this, It the most selfish act anyone to can do to another person. I hope no loved ones are involved because they will be going through hell. Sorry but this struck a nerve, When my fiance decided to jump out the window breaking her neck in the middle of the night and I had to go out and see what the noise was when she hit the deck. Sheesh call the suicide hotline or something..

Old 05-24-2006, 12:54 PM   #10
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: NJ
Posts: 498
schragie HB User
Re: Lost

Hey Moonlight:
So sorry to hear what you are going through. I am a fellow bipolar paniac, although my pain was much more easily diagnoseable than yours. I saw your note about Cymbalta and wanted to mention to you that I have been on it for about 6 weeks I, too, suffered some severe depression (and the back pain made it so much worse), but I take Cymbalta in combination with a mood stabilizer (Depakote) and it seems to work. They say Cymbalta also helps some with pain, but that wasn't my experience. Still, it helped with my mood. As for antidepressants, it is never wise to prescribe an antidep. alone to someone with BPD, because it can set off the mania. I hope you are taking something like lithium or depakote or one of the other mood stabilizers. Do hang in there -- it can get better. I had no side effects from the Cymbalta other than a little nausea for a couple of days. I understand well how pain meds can set off mania, so just wanted to post to say you're not alone.

The best thing to do when you switch or start on new meds is keep in touch with your doc about side effects. My doc told me to call him if I lost any sleep while taking this drug. Fortunately, I didn't.

I am thinking good thoughts for you and hope that you find relief soon. Keep posting here.

4/2006:TLIF L5/S1
2002: C4-5 herniation
1/1999: ACDF C5-C7

Old 05-24-2006, 03:54 PM   #11
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Re: Lost

I spent the day working on paperwork, insurance papers and then got more depressed. It seems unending. I know in my mind that depression is not my fault, but I also know that clinical depression and bi-polar are in my genes. I spent over fifty years denying treatment. I would try different things off and on, but I didn't want to lose the highs, or so they call them. I never felt high, only manic. Manic lead to psychosis. I was always afraid that they would lock me up. But, the depression has gotten so bad. If I can just keep my mind off of it.

If I could just find one doctor who would tell me what is wrong with my body beyond, yes, you have pain. The doctor yesterday, stuck him fingers right into my pain and my body levitated off of the table. My husband said that it was evident that he was trying to re-create the pain so that he would know that I am not lying.

He ordered blood work today. Another painful ride in the car. If I could just get around the car rides. But, sitting and doing the paperwork today was no picnic.

The doc asked me if pain meds worked. He is a PM. I was finally honest with one of these guys. In the past, I just said no. So, I told him that they make me manic and then I get hurt.

Last weekend I took a spectrum of pills; one 10mg/650 Percocet, one 15mg Morphine Sulfate, one Xanax and four Ultraset. For the first time, I was painfree, but a feeling. No wonder people like pain pills. But it scared me. I did not get high. The only feeling was the feeling of no pain.

I won't do it again. The doctor looked at me like I was nuts. That is nothing compared to what people on line are taking, though.

If I could only get my pain under control so that I could go back to work and have an income and an outlet, personally. The walls are closing in. The worst part is that I can't drive and we live out of walking distance to everything.

Thanks for listening,

I am not feeling sorry for myself, just facing some hard realities.

Old 05-24-2006, 04:58 PM   #12
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 274
HurtinHouston HB User
Re: Lost


Let's lean on each other a bit. We have much in common with our pain and lack of mobility. I had to stop driving due to the medications and fear of running over a little one or hurting someone else. Now the medications are better and I'm not as messed up, but I still don't feel comfortable driving ...reflexes not as good.

I'm outside of the city so no bus lines here and my husband just announced that I am staying home tomorrow when he takes his mother and son out for lunch. He's talking divorce as he feels short-changed by my illness. I'm fine. I know God's going to do a new thing and He will take care of me no matter what happens.

Have a good evening.


Old 05-25-2006, 09:51 PM   #13
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Re: Lost

Thank you for hanging in there with me.

I am so sorry to hear about your maritial troubles.

I am in the middle of an OWCP and an EEO case and have hours and hours to go.

The stress and pain are barely bareable.

Take care,

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