Im writing this feeling so down and such a failure i dont know where to turn next.
I will give a quick rundown on last 4 yrs..... I was working in a supermarket as a night filler when i lifted and was putting a 16kg box of soft drinks down when i felt a sharp pain shooting down my left leg, After reporting this to my supervisor and filling in accident report i was told not to be a sook and keep working I did so and when i got home and into bed my lower back really started to hurt so i went to the ER and was told i had strained my back this didnt improve over time and i was sent to numerous drs and had many scans and was told the only thing that would help me was to have a fusion done at L/4..L/5 as well as a disc replacement so I did ( i think this was the worst thing i could have done).
When i reported back to the surgeon that my pain had not improved and in fact had gotten worse as well as lots of other new things like numbness, loss of feeling, weakness in left leg that actually made me fall and more increased intense pain he acted like i was making it up so i havnt returned to him.
Mean time I released (saccked) from work and treated like absolute crap, As well as going to numerous other speacialists and neurologists that have informed me that thing will never improve and i will infact lose the use of my left leg.
If my back wasnt enough i also started to have problems with my bowels and bladder as well as increase numbness in in and around vagina and anus (sorry to much info) and have been told that i now have Cauda Equina Syndrome.
Ok this is my health up till now and i have come to terms with it.
I have been sick of sitting at home doing noting so i decided to do a course in "small business management" in the hope that maybe i could do something from home .
It was no easy feat getting the insurence company to pay for this but in the end they came around and i was so excited that i was going to be doing something useful and maybe be able to contribute to the the family. well guess what i cant even sit long enough to do the course and my dr has told me im not allowed to do it anymore as the pain is unbearable and the stress he says it causing me is not good for me, My husband or my kids.
Now i have to getenough courage to tell workers comp i cant do it and im so scared of the treating me like i am "putting it on"
I feel like everything i try i fail at Being a wife..........Being a mum................Studying a course from home.......................EVERYTHING.
I know that no one out there can help me but i always feel better for coming here and letting everything out (it has taken me 4 goes at doing this as i couldnt sit long enough)
Well thanks for listening Rachel
I feel you are all"s
First, a big hug for you...your posting really touched me because I can truly empathize with a lot of what you have been going through. Know that you are not a failure at anything, it definitely sounds like you have done everything possible to help yourself, but none of us choose the cards we are dealt. As far as your failed surgery, I would definitely find a wonderful new surgeon who can give you better insight and a new perspective on what direction you can move in. Someone else may be able to give you new hope. I have had the same loss of sensation in various parts of my body, I have right foot drop as well as other permanent nerve damage. I am going in for a two level fusion in July in hopes that it might be the answer I have been looking for. I have already had one failed laminectomy and diskectomy. Things are tough, I hope that your husband and children are very supportive. It is hard enough to do it by yourself, let alone having to do it with a family. As for the class, I am not sure where abouts you live, but I looked towards that direction to do something that would give me a feeling of self-accomplishment. I endured the same problem with you...I spoke to the school's special accommodations department. They were actually able to allow me to not have to meet deadlines as well as other accommodations. In the end, I was able to do it with a little dedication and determination. Instead of being able there to sit and do the work...I would sit for a little time and then stand with my laptop on top of a bookshelf. While reading, I would sit, walk, lay down, etc. If you don't have a laptop, the school may be able to help you with being able to speak your assignments or work with you in some way that you are able to handle the classes. Don't give up, there are many, many resources that can help you. As far as working, take the workman's comp for now, noone says it HAS to be permanent and even if they are, you are the one that ultimately gets to make that decision. Perhaps in five years they will have developed a pill that you can take and all of our backs will be good as new! Noone knows what the future holds...so, do what you have to now to take care of yourself and wait to see what the future has for us! I really do wish you the best of luck and if you ever, ever, ever, need someone to talk to, please know I will be here. I check this board and my email fairly frequently, at least daily...so, please use it when you need it. My heart and prayers go out for you...
first, you need to tell yourself you are not a failure. you are suffering from problems you have no control of. you are no more a failure for not being able to do some things that I am a failure for not being able to fly. you are trying and that means you havent given up, and that means you are not a failure.
I dont know how many docs youve seen or what their specialties were, but there are others who may be able to help or find better treatments. they are always coming up with new ways to help back and nerve problems so while it may seem bleak now, who knows what the future holds?
how are you studying for that course? what parts of studying give you problems?
please, feel free top discuss anything or even just vent, we have all had problems of varying severity and all of us have found this board a help.
good luck, you are in my prayers.
back surgery in JUN 06 - two level ALIF (L3-4-5) with cages and BMP - SUCCESSFUL!
Hi Rachel-I have missed hearing from you. Now I know why...you are still suffering. I am so sorry. I don't know if I have anything that can help you, but I am deffinatly here to listen.
I have also had to make adjustments with my courses. I have switched from class room classes to online and then to correspondense classes. Like one of the other posts said, I have my computer set up on a cabnet and I stand to use it. All my reading and studying I do walking and reading...tricky but I have made it work. The easiest classses have been correspondence. It all comes in the mail and I can read my work while I am resting or walking. I have had to drop down to 1 class at a time and they have extended my timeline for due dates.
More inportant in my life, I have started seeing a phschologist. She has been wonderful in helping me prioritize my days. When I have days on end where I'm in more pain, she helps me to back up and try to figure out what was causing it and how I can prevent it from happening again. She specializes in pain patients and lives with pain herself. So, she really understands all that we go through with it.
I don't know if you think that would be helpful for you, but it has been wonderful for me. (Also, W/C is paying for it. I wasn't depressed prior to the injury and since my Dr. wrote me a referal that stated I needed to see a Phsyc. due to Chronic Pain, they had to ok it).
Have any of your Drs. ever mentioned aquatic therapy? That is a good way to ease the muscles and stress w/o harming your back. W/C also has to pay for that, if you weren't having these problems, prior to the injury.
I know how W/C can treat people, but please don't even bother thinking their comments are personal...they treat all of their workers like they are either liying or asking for more than was nessesary. Don't feel bad, either, that you started classes and now have to stop. At least you tried. Many people would not want to try and better themselves and just stay home and get the check. You went out on a limb and tried your best. Good for you! If the Dr. says you have to stop, then that is what needs to happen. Would he reconsider if your school could make adjustments to the course work?
I have read many posts on here, some worse than you, most not, but everyone different from the other. Your not a failure!!!! The fact that your on here shows that. I have felt that way many many times this past year or so. I have had to accept many things I can't do because of whats wrong with me, the worst was getting my disability approved, as much as I wanted it approved, I also had to accept that it comes with a certain amount of sadness inside.
What would you tell your child if it were in your shoes, how beautiful they are? how intelligent? How you can make others feel good when they are around? We all have many things we do well. I didnt think I did either, then my brother in law asked me to print some programs for a memorial service, last minute for a dear friend of his that was my age that died, I had never met her, but could tell she was very much loved by him and many others. I had threw together a very touching program, funny because, they said it suited her so well, but remember I never met her. I have since printed a few things for him for the hospital he works at, and have just been offered to become one of the boutique printing vendors for the hospital. I can't do much of the work, but I can design it and have my hubby print it. So you see God is watching over us and gives us what we need when we need it.
Please don't sell yourself short, EVERY PERSON is here for a reason, you may not see your reason now, but some day, maybe tomorrow, you will be in the right place at the right time and you will feel your purpose in the world. Maybe your to help someone on here, to guide them thru your experience.
I do hope I have helped you see that your just as special as anyone else is, remember to think of what you would tell your children, you would never tell them they are a failure, well neither are you.
May God Bless & Watch Over You.
"Thru every dark corner is a door to a new light"
Well Carol...once again you have touched someone, me. You are a dear person and I know God has led you to look at this board when He knew there was someone who needed to hear from you. In fact, I believe that about many people on these boards. We can't sit long, but there are times we just sit down to check the boards and someone needs information that we have. What a joy and pleasure it is too be part of this board.
Rachel-How are things going today? I hope you have been able to get some sleep and have gotten a new strength. We are here for you if you want to chat
God's blessing on each and everyone of us who suffer with these back issues. Hugs to all of you,
Rachel- I forgot to ention this. If you have not already spoken to W/C about not being able to finish the classes, I wonder if it would go over easer if the information came from your Dr. Would he send a letter stating this or have him send it to you and you can fax or send it to them. Have you ever considered getting a lawyer? (I'm assuming you don't have one or they'd be doig this for you). Also, I thought maybe you could word it that you cant continue it right now, but if things should get better you'd love to pick up where you left off. That way they don't think you're just giving up on it. Just a thought
Hi Rachel... You are not a failure.. It isnt your fault that this has happened to you.. If fact, it is just the opposite, as you tried everything, including trying a home business, which shows alot of ambition and energy... If you ask me, your doctors and your supervisor from your last job are the failures (and idiots!!) as well.... They are the ones that failed... Keep looking for another spine specialist.. But make sure he is a "spine specialist" that works only on spine and has completed his spine fellowship.. What about pain managmement? Can you see a pain mgmt doctor?
You are NOT a failure! But I do have some idea of how you feel. The pain, dealing with W. Comp, the stress, trying to be a wife, a mother (no kids here though), a friend, a contributing member to society - it's all so difficult to manage. My favorite verse in the Bible since I was a young girl is:
"To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under Heaven"
Ecclesiastes 3:1 It reminds me that everything happens for a reason. We may never know what the reasons are for the things happening in our lives, but I have to believe that God has a plan for me and for you.
I hurt my back at work almost 7 years ago. At first the doctors kept saying nothing was really wrong with me, then I finally found a wonderful Pain Management dr. that took me seriously and got to the root of my problems. I have DDD in 3 discs and after trying everything under the sun that was available to me I ended up having a morphine pump implanted that delivers a constant flow of meds to my spine. I still have to take oral meds for pain as well though. It helps some if I do absolutely nothing. I can't sit/stand/walk for very long, can't drive, can't work, etc.. I can't do much around the house because everything causes me so much pain. I had a job that I loved, was well respected by my employees and those above me. Was on my way up the company ladder and looked forward to going to work almost everyday. So much of my life has changed But I try to remember how lucky I am. Though some days that is more difficult than others.
Be proud of yourself for having tried to go back to school! AND even more proud for getting Comp to pay for it. These are no small feats! OK, so it didn't work out for right now, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on your dream. Maybe some time down the road you'll be able to go back. Have you looked into taking classes at home? From what I hear some of those programs are really good and you can do all the work from home at your own pace. Might be worth checking into. As far as telling WC that you can't continue with the courses - do you have an attorney? Let them deal with WC. If you don't have an attorney - please get one ASAP. (Just in case you don't have one or don't know they don't charge anything unless you win) In my state (FL) WC is not allowed to communicate with me and I'm not allowed to communicate with them and this takes a lot of stress out of the situation. My attorney deals with everything! Please do not let how WC treats you get you down. I honestly think they are trained to be rude and uncaring. It's hard, but try not to take it personally.
I'm glad you posted and were able to get this all out. Sometimes just that helps. Husbands, friends, family, they all are concerned and care about us, but sometimes it's even more helpful to talk to someone you don't really know. The wonderful people on this board are going through the same types of things and can understand a little more.
You are a valuable person! You are strong! Repeat after me - YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! I will be keeping you in my prayers.
If you ever need to talk, please let me know, I'd be glad to listen.
Fisrt of all let me say "THANK YOU" , each and everyone of you that have answered my post have made me feel better and dare i say it.............made me cry because you all had nice things to say and know what im going through.
The course that i have been doing is through OTEn which is a correspondence course the problem im having is sitting at the computer.... I have just had my rehab provider on the phone asking what is goiing on (fair enough it is her job)
when i answered she asked "how are things, you dont sound very good" ....my reply " I feel like chit it is 11.00 am and i have just mananged to get myself out of bed and being school holidays my 3 kids have been fending for themselves"...... Her response " I can imagine how you are feeling"....................... My thoughts ' LIKE F^^CK YOU DO (sorry bout the language.
I then told her that my DR had made me unfit for study because of my pain but as well as concern for my mental health and stress levels as he could see how bad it is affecting me not being able to do what i had so badly wanted to....GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND NOT BE DEPENDANT.
She then went on about W/C not being happy about forking the money out for the course and that it had been me that had pushed for it.
Like i want to be dependant on an insurance company and i have only ever asked for what i have needed and thought that maybe this course was a way out for me. I am sick of justifying everything i do or dont do, My husband tells me to stop doing it and that they have to accept what i say but at times i feel like people think im "FAKING IT". He tells me not to worry about what other people think as they dont matter and deep down i know thats true but i feel do worthless at the moment it doesnt sink in.
Thanks again everyone i will keep you all updated.
you are all .
Just thought you could use a smile! I know how frustrating W/C is. But, you can not let them drive you crazy. My Dr. has convinced me that the more stress I am in, the worse my back will feel. It will also hurt my fusion. The 2 things that I have done to lesson the stress are these:
1st, I got a lawyer. Once you do that, there is no more communiation between you and W/C. So, right there you have gotten rid of half the stress in your life.
2nd, I have started seeing a psychologist who specializes in chronic pain. She has helped me to focus on what I can do with out pain and helped me to find solutions to how I can get those painful things done. I leave here office and wonder why I didn't think of the solusins she comes up with. She also helps me to deal with the fact that there are some things I just can't do. A good example: She got a pad of paper and asked me what I was able to do w/o any pain. I said I could walk for about 15 mins. pain free and that was all I could do. As we were talking about other things, she pointed out that in our conversation she had noticed a few things that I had mentioned doing w/o pain. I was so focused on living in pain and all the things I couldn't do...I couldn't think of anything else. She was able to bring my focus back to what I could do and that was very exciting. I had convinced myself that I couldn't do anything without pain.
Sorry, I got a little carried away But many people, including myself previously, think seeing a psychologist means your mentally ill or weak.
Since I have been able to get rid of the hassle of dealing with W/C and now I am getting some life coaching...it is amazing the difference in my life. My back is still a bad one, but life w/o all the stress is somethng wonderful
Well I must say, what a great group of people we are, yes WE, every single one of us!!! How many places can you go and say how worthless you feel and get so many compassionate responses? I can't think of one place, even at home sometimes.
Lorie, thanks but I just say whats in my heart. Some days every post hits me and other days maybe one might. This one really hit home for me, guess thats why i HAD to reply. We have all felt that useless feeling. I have felt useless for the last few years, tried the homeschool thing too, didn't work for me either. I have struggled and tried many things with nothing working. I gave up and just tried accepting my fate. Filed for SSD, just got approved! And now we are now gonna open a home business, I tell my hubby what I think and he does the work printing and delivering, it will be his business. We already have a large hospital system here waiting to put him on their vendors list for small printing jobs. I would never have chosen this for a home business, but it just kinda fell into our laps. Guess GOD does know a little more than we do, huh.
Hang in there Rachel !!! I have to agree with Charliecat, we ALL have a purpose, and it's in God's time not ours.
"Thru every dark corner is a door to a new light"
I'm with your hubby on this one - don't worry about what other people think! I know how you feel, but trust me, when I let go of caring about what other people thought, the stress went WAYYYYY down I think it's great that you convinced WC to pay for your schooling. So you weren't able to finish right now, you gave it an honest effort and for that you should be commended! This is what I meant by having an attorney so that they can deal with WC and you won't have to.
Some of the things WC says can be hurtful no matter how much of a thick skin you develop, so let the attorney do it. Oh, and don't worry about the language... if you only knew some of things that came out of my mouth some days. Please TRY not to let them make you feel worthless. They don't know you and you don't know them. Their opinion doesn't matter. They don't know what it's like to live in constant pain everyday. They don't know what it's like to feel like everyone else is in control of your life. They don't know what it's like to have your life basically be put on hold. To them we are nothing but dollars being spent.
I can tell that you are a very independent woman (just like me). You've mentioned several times that you don't want to be "dependent on WC". Our prides can be the hardest thing to deal with in this situation. Try not to think of it as being dependent, but as taking help when you need it. I truly hope things start to turn around for you soon.
Failure? No, just the opposite. You are a success because you have never just laid down and quit! You have fought every step of the way and believe me, your children will know and remember that as they face their own hard times. They will remember their mother fighting through the pain as she did what is necessary to make a hime.
I believe, in my heart of hearts, that your persistance will be what will help your children fight their own battles.
, Hi again all,
and thank you once more for all the kind words.
Im really not sure what to do i feel like my control over everyting is slipping away. We are falling heavily into debt and I am POWERLESS to do anything to help my husband out..all i want to do is cry, im at he point where even though i love my kids more than anything i CANT stand to have them near me and they have done nothing to deserve a lowlife mother like me.They try thier hardset to help me out and all they get is abuse off me, when thier dad knock off work Im alreasy in bed and they r doing thier own things so as not to bother me.
It is so hard on them because of the things we used to do before i got hurt and it has become less ans less as things get worse and i resent other mums that can play with thier kids physically. I do non physiacal stuff with them and they do come and lay with me and talk but IT IS NOT THE SAME. I feel like i just want to crawl under a rock for the rest of my life.
I would give anything to be in control of my life.
sorry for going on