I just found out yesterday that I will be having a surgery. ALIF with stabilization through the back. I was told that I would be out of commision for six months. We have a two year old who still requires a lot of hands on lifting and attention. My husband is feeling sorry for himself because he believes that he will be a single parent during this time frame and that he will have to do everything and he will miss out on golfing and softball. I want to scream at him that yes I realize this will be a big imposition but hello...it's not like he is actually going through the operation. He's complaining about taking care of our son when I am crying because I won't be able to take care of my son. He is complaining because he won't be able to play sports and I am worried that I might not be able to walk. I do realize that he will be giving up a lot but it is six months out of his life...I feel that he is being selfish. How should I approach this with him? Have any of you experienced the same thing?
[QUOTE=onyxgates;2765152]I just found out yesterday that I will be having a surgery. ALIF with stabilization through the back. I was told that I would be out of commision for six months. We have a two year old who still requires a lot of hands on lifting and attention. My husband is feeling sorry for himself because he believes that he will be a single parent during this time frame and that he will have to do everything and he will miss out on golfing and softball. I want to scream at him that yes I realize this will be a big imposition but hello...it's not like he is actually going through the operation. He's complaining about taking care of our son when I am crying because I won't be able to take care of my son. He is complaining because he won't be able to play sports and I am worried that I might not be able to walk. I do realize that he will be giving up a lot but it is six months out of his life...I feel that he is being selfish. How should I approach this with him? Have any of you experienced the same thing?[/QUOTE]
No, luckily my husband was and has been supportive during this time after my TLIF/PLIF fusion. He learned when I developed problems after my shoulder surgery that he was going to and was expected to do his part to take care of our children. We had two at the time and they were both little.
I told him during one of our fights during that time that I didn't make them by myself and I wasn't the only one who could and should parent them. He referred once to a friend that he was "babysitting" the girls while I was at a doctor's appointment........that was what set me off........I don't call it babysitting when you are caring for your own children.
Anyway, I would sit him down and have a long , difficult discussion with him, and affirm for him that you need him to take on his responsibilities toward raising your child , along with you while you can't do it. And don't take NO for an answer.
He is being selfish..........
For better or worse, in sickness & health!! that pretty much says it all. Perhaps you shuld remind him of his wedding vows, I'm sure he did mean it when he said it then. We dont' always think the sickness part will come till we are very old, well it dies come to many young people andit is a true test of your wedding vows. I have been dealing with problems for 11 yrs now, thank God my hubby has been and still is by my side.
You also need to remind him that the two yr old is his too. I'm sos rry you have to have such difficulties like this. It creates more stress and that creates more pain in you back. I thinkafter you sit down and really discuss this that if he doesn't see the light you might take him to your next dr's appt, if you dont' have another until the srugery date then make one, and let him air his troubles to your dr. maybe if he hears it from the doc he might take it more serious. Perhaps he is thinking you are making these rules and not the doc.
I wish we could all come there and help you, you will be in my prayers that this will be resolved before your surgery.
"Thru every dark corner is a door to a new light"
You might consider during your conversation letting him read some of the threads on this board and he will relaize how important it is that you take it easy and follow the doctor orders. If you don't follow orders you could result in having permanent damage or undo all the percious work you surgeon did.
I wish you good luck with with your conversation and that you husband will see the light.
Hi, I know what you are talking about. I have had 10 surgeries in the 15 years we have been married. I have number 11 pending for my elbow. It's funny I always say to him "in sickness and health". He jokes and says when does the health part start. After a surgery I had last year he yelled at me when I got home. I was in the hospital 4 days and in pain. I could not help it and busted out crying. I'm not a cryer. So I sit him down and tell him like it is. I told him I can't help having these problems. I had my fusion surgery on 9/12/06. I'm 4 months out and in alot of pain. My entire body hurts. I'm on a ton of medication. In a little while I am going for a bone density test because the dr. did not like the way the bones looked on the x-ray. Also I am having a brain MRI right after that for my Narcolepsy. Last night I needed something and he rolled his eyes. So I said to him.. yelled at him "You know I am in a lot of pain and I need to depend on you. I need you to be there for me". He didn't say a word. Today he is as nice as can be. I always have to remind him. He never came with me to any doctors except the neurosurgeon. I brought him with me because I wanted him to see how severe the problem was and what the surgery involved. So the surgeon explained how bad the problem was. He showed him the rods and screws. He explained the recovery etc. I think that helped alot. Maybe bring your husband to the dr. appt you go to before the surgery. Maybe even print something off the internet and make him read it. I'm sure it is stressful on the spouses. I've never been on the other end. I've only been on the end of the surgery. Sometimes I think my husband gets scared that something will go wrong. Instead of saying anything he builds it up and gets nasty. He's a good guy. My son was 1 1/2 when I had my first surgery. I was not allowed to pick him up for two months. He would run to jump on me and I had to say no. He didn't understand. So your husband really has to handle it the right way. With my back surgery my son was 11 so he was helpful. Good luck with your surgery. You will do fine. He will come around.
My husband went to my appointment with the surgeon which is what prompted all of this. I kept telling him that it was a long recovery but he is an engineer and has to hear it from the doctor. Well, since getting the information from the horses mouth, he is freaking out. I know that he will get on board...He even prompted the entire conversation with "I know this is selfish but..." You know when we went through infertility and I had to do all of these shots and go through all of these procedures, despite the fact that I was fine...I never...not once said one word to him about how his infertility affected me. I knew that it would hurt his feelings. Well last night after he brought all of this up...I said just call it payback for the infertility crap I had to put up with...(we tend to joke back in forth when things get tense) He actually had the balls to throw back at me that I was paid back when he suffered while I was on bedrest for 20 weeks during the pregnancy. WHAT?!?!?! I know it was said in jest but I also know that there is something to that as well. I felt like saying well next time I'll just risk a miscarriage so that you won't be inconvienced.
Bottom line...I am upset and I know that he is upset so we need to work this out. I guess maybe this might be good discussion for therapy.
Wow, I am not even married yet and I am having the problems with my fiance. Well, maybe not for long, because I am getting fed up with him. Instead of him showing support he has not shown much. He says my attitude is different and I am not the same person he met. Well, excuse me, I do not how you can be so cheerful and happy when you are in pain all the time and then they are nagging you for sex. The sex part which I cant believe I actually hate now, I only do it every once in a while to keep him happy. He always say he wants his old girlfriend back (me). I just wish he showed me more support and help out more. Also, I have 5 y/o daughter that is not his. And he may occasionally play with her to get her out of my hair. He also said that he stopped doing things for me like he used to because of my attitude. What kind of mess is this? Anyways, I pray that you get more support from your husband and that he understands the severity of your problems. The vows did say for better or worse, and sickness and in health, all time s will not be great. You take care and God Bless.
Now speaking from a males side of the fence. I,ve had 3 back operations and my wife has been there for me. But when she is down with whatever the complaint I get so angry. Now, no its not because she can't do anything, it that I can't do anything to help her and I feel so useless. It hurts me that here I am and there's not a thing that I can do. Maybe this is what your husband is thinking, but using not being able to play his sport as an excuse. Well I really hope it is as he was there in the making of your son. So now its time for him too stand up and be not just the father but the main care giver for a while. I actually looked after my 2 while both were in nappies for a couple of months and got through it and then had a better understanding of what its like at home with them 24/7. My wife had hammer toes and she had both feet operated on so there was no way she could do a thing. I was there for my kids production so it was only right to be there to care for them when I was needed. I took time off from work so I could do it and I have never regretted it. Just talk to him express your feelings and ask him to be truthful about his feelings. I could be right but then again I could be mile away from being right. Tonight our daughter is going out and my wife is working and I will be home with my lovely little 19 month old granddaughter. She will be sleeping over night and I'm on my own all night and most of the morning as my wife works till 3am. So you can't expect her to get up to her. Spos what this mean is that I was there for my kids and now I'm there for generation 2. All the best the Tattman
Last edited by tattman; 01-26-2007 at 07:31 PM.
Reason: added more meaning
Sorry to hear of all the unsupportive partners out there. Some do this out of fear for you, for them, for the family. Many partners feel absolutely helpless. They can't take the pain away, they can't make you better, they get confused and literally do not know what to do. Sometimes that spawns anger and the feeling of them being distant and uncaring.
And then there are some that are just creeps and only care about themselves, and will never stand up to responsibility and dedication, because it just is not in their make-up to do so.
This is serious stuff and is not only life altering for us, but for everyone's lives that we are a party to.
The only advice I can offer, is standing up and taking responsbility for yourself, first (on all counts). Secondly, respect how others may be feeling and how it might be affecting them as a result of your pain/suffering. Thirdly, is constantly communicating with your partner, good and bad. (We have enough on our plates and sometimes we can easily get caught up in our own little pain world and forget.. our loved ones are suffering too.)
Most often this works well, but there are some people you just can not reach or communicate with. You can't carry someone else's burden, especially now. You must concentrate on your well being, with respect to those around you as much as you posisbly can, and what ever else is negative out there.. has to be put aside.
I was married to a very unsupportive sot. I was married, but I raised my children on my own. I am now with a wonderfully supportive man, that has never once said woe is me, and has supported me through this whole thing. I am so blessed to have this man in my life!
I wish you all the best in gettting through this difficult time. It will all work out for you. Tammy
"believe in the beauty of your dreams"- E. Roosevelt
L5/S1 bulging @ 18, now 46; still there (but no pain)
Fusion at L4/L5 Apr -2006
Solidly Fused Nov-2006
A Success, but still improving!
Onyx, you've gotten a lot of good responses, and I hope they've helped. Here's another thought. Your husband may be thinking that you're going to be completely useless for 6 months. Maybe he needs to understand that you'll be in a lot of pain for about 2 weeks, then you'll start feeling a bit better, but you'll have bending, lifting, and twisting restrictions and need a lot of rest. BUT, you will still be able to do a lot with your son. You won't be able to pick him up, but if he can climb up beside you (or your husband lifts him up beside you), you can still cuddle him, read to him, play with him, etc. You'll be able to move around the house, fix him snacks, use your grabber to pick up small toys and other kid stuff from the floor, etc. At two weeks post op, I was doing laundry. I couldn't lift the baskets (even empty), but I could use my grabber to empty the hamper into them, have my kids carry the baskets, use the grabber to load the washer, use it again to transfer to the dryer and then back to the basket, then the kids would carry the basket back to the bedroom for me, where I used the grabber to pick out each item and fold it. Your son might even be able to help you with some things. At 2 years old, it will be a game to him. ("Let's see if you can pick up all the newspapers for mommy and put them right here.")
My husband meant well, but he was clearly overwhelmed during my initial recovery. I think a big part of that was that he was looking at me as completely helpless. I certainly did need a lot of help at first, but you won't be helpless for that whole 6 months. You'll have restrictions, but you won't be helpless. And if he wants to go out for some sports or something with the guys, maybe you could have a girlfriend over for a while in case you needed help with your son. You'd have some company, and your husband could still have some time with the guys so he could get a break every now and then and wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
Good luck. I hope you and he can sit down and have a good talk and come to a better understanding.
Out of the blue, 3 days before my scheduled C4-5 ACDF 3 months ago, my husband was really cranky and aloof that evening. Usually he's a pretty cheerful guy and talks my head off. When I finally cornered him and asked him what was wrong that night he told me "I'm sick and tired of having to listen to you complain about being in pain all the time!" My mother had called that evening to check in on me and I had pretty honestly told her how I was feeling (not good, in other words). My husband had overheard my conversation with her and it touched something off in him. I think it was the single most hurtful phrase he has ever uttered to me and it hit me off guard and like a ton of bricks. I had to leave for work and the conversation that night didn't go much further. But the next night I told him that I was about to need him more in the next few months than I ever had before in our 14 year relationship and that if he couldn't be there for me then he needed to leave. I felt like I had more than I could do to take care of and worry about myself with having to deal with attitude from him. We had quite the discussion that night and as it turned out his statement was really his dysfunctional way of pushing me away because he was scared about the surgery himself and all its implications. In a twisted way, pushing me away like that was his way of protecting himself from his fears. Some men just can't say "i'm scared" and so they find dysfunctional ways to let that out. He appologized that night and there hasn't been a repeat of that type of behavior. But to be honest, although I can intellectually understand why he popped out with a hurtful comment like that to me, its much harder to fully let go of that hurt once its been inflicted. I still have a little tiny scar so to speak from the situation. He's been good though since the surgery, so things are better. I just think there is a certain type of man that will push away a loved one rather than admit (or even recognize) their own fears. They just are not comfortable enough with their own emotions.
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3
Severe DDD with multiple herniations and areas of stenosis, 16 affected disks!
C4-5 ACDF 2006
C3-6 ACDF 2013
Chronic Myofaschial Pain Syndrome
I am going to post something from another site that made so much sense to me. i hope it works.
Although this is a Copyright of *********.com we grant permission for anyone to use this at any time as long as the following "Copyright of [url]www.*********.com[/url] Written by Ronald J. Waller" is fully visible.
A Letter To "Fibromites"
A lot of times we as family members, friends, and loved ones are supposed to understand, accept and be sympathetic to someone who has an illness..... and I agree with this statement, but only when we are given information, understanding and support ourselves.
Fibro does not just affect the person who has it.... fibro affects the whole family..... it steals away all of our lives. I have watched, broken hearted, as Ken has packed away his dreams and hopes for the future.... but along with those dreams and hopes were mine also. Just as you have come to realize that your life has changed forever so must we....... and we have to be allowed to morn that loss also.
We become angry and depressed just as you do...... we struggle with KNOWING that you are sick, to being angry that you are sick....... not at you but at the illness. Then we become angry at ourselves for feeling selfish and thinking of ourselves.... thinking of the added stress on our lives... the added responsibility.... the added guilt.
We have gone from a 50% partnership in this marriage, this family, this life, to sometimes feeling like I'm carrying the whole weight of it alone. I have to remember that my spouse is sick..... that the illness has taken that away and sometimes I'm lonely, scared, and extremely sad at the loss of what was....... but I also know in my heart that I love my husband more than life itself and TOGETHER we will find our way.
You have to talk to us.... you have to let us know how you're feeling, what you're feeling, and how it's affecting your day........ your life. If you don't talk to us we will never understand how you are feeling and we will assume that everything is as it should be.... thus expect from you what we have always expected.
I need to be able to say it's "okay" when your angry and hurting........ but it has to be "okay" when I am also. We both have to stop and look at what's going on in our lives at the time....... just as you get angry and lash out sometimes...... so do we.
So will we really ever understand what you're going through? ......No! Will you ever really understand what we are going through? ......No! But if each of us gives each other the time, love, and patience to find our own way in dealing with and accepting what fibro has taken from us, I think our relationships may be a lot better.
I hope with your challenge that you wanted to hear the truth...... and that is what I offer in this.... how we feel as Spouses.
Although this is for fibromylagia spelled that wrong, I believe its the same effect. When living in chronic pain it affects our whole family. Someone sent this to me. And It really hit home.