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Old 09-29-2007, 08:36 PM   #1
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Another post about having children...

Hi, I am 32 years old (recently married to the most wondefrul, supportive man) and wanting to start a family next year. I am quite torn though because I am so limited physically. I have had (2) microdiscectomies in less then 2 years (4 years total for back pain). I can't clean the house, can't stand or sit for too long at a time. It is hard for me to bend, twist etc. Not only am I nervous about carrying a baby for 9 months, but also caring for them after giving birth (holding them, lifting them, bending..etc).

How do you Mommys do it??

Thanks in advance!

 
Old 09-29-2007, 08:41 PM   #2
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Re: Another post about having children...

Lilly,

I feel exactly the same way! Half the time I cannot even take care of myself, muchless clean the house, carry laundry baskets or even lift the dang milk gallon into the fridge!

I definately think that at our age (I'm 31) we are throwing our neurosurgeons for a loop as many times such serious back problems dont' happen until we are older or at least not considering TTC.

I was just recently told that it takes a full year to recover from a laminectomy and for a two level fusion it can take up to two years...my doctor actually said that I am just about recovered from my first laminectomy...still have my 2nd to go and then the fusion...

It's definately frustrating but you never know until you try it...I've heard from a few women on the boards and off with back problems that the actually felt better when pregnant...and if that's the case for me I'll be one of those women on the Discovery Channel at 68 still popping out kids!

Good Luck!
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Old 09-30-2007, 04:31 AM   #3
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Re: Another post about having children...

lilly66, I am abit older & have 2 daughters already but your thread touched me, probably because my childhood bestfriend could never have children she is god mother to mine & more. Have you ever talked to a ob/gyn about having children? I have heard the same about women being pregnant & not displaying problems they had before pregnancy. being a parent is the toughest most demanding & rewarding job in the world. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband, if you have family & friends to offer support that would be a blessing also. Anyone with any health issues or limitations would need a support system, my youngest is 14 & there are times I still use reenforcements, but I would not have it any other way.

 
Old 09-30-2007, 08:04 AM   #4
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Re: Another post about having children...

[QUOTE=sammyo1;3233931]lilly66, I am abit older & have 2 daughters already but your thread touched me, probably because my childhood bestfriend could never have children she is god mother to mine & more. Have you ever talked to a ob/gyn about having children? I have heard the same about women being pregnant & not displaying problems they had before pregnancy. being a parent is the toughest most demanding & rewarding job in the world. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband, if you have family & friends to offer support that would be a blessing also. Anyone with any health issues or limitations would need a support system, my youngest is 14 & there are times I still use reenforcements, but I would not have it any other way.[/QUOTE]

Ahh thanks ladies for being soo sweet! My doctors (both primary and surgeons) all are not sure how the pregnancy and after will affect me, though both agree the last tri-mester could be the worst, possible bed rest. And they said it could be challenging lifting the babies after. I do have a great support system. I work from home for my family business and we will hire full time help for me..which is great and I am very lucky! But, I want to be a hands on Mommy! Guess I will know my limits once I become a Mother. I find it so interesting that Women can feel better (backwise) while being pregnant - well,woo hoo!

 
Old 09-30-2007, 08:35 AM   #5
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Re: Another post about having children...

You figure out ways to make it work. You learn how to scoop a toddler into your lap as you sit down. You learn how to spot places to lean for support. You learn what equipment works well when you have back problems and what doesn't (baby backpack = no; bouncy stroller in the living room = yes). Talk to your ob/gyn and make sure your husband knows that you're going to need his help. He's got to be an active dad! It can be done, and it will be one of the biggest blessings of your life!

Been there, done that,
Emily

 
Old 09-30-2007, 12:06 PM   #6
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Re: Another post about having children...

Lilly
I soooo know how you are feeling. My screen name is mommy2babies, but they're animal babies.
I'm in my late 30's and permantely disabled from back problems. I want to be a mom so bad I can't hardly stand it, but like you, I feel like if I can't take care of myself and the house, how on earth am I going to take care of a baby? Is it fair to bring a baby into a family where mom can't do the things she should? I wouldn't be able to run and play, wouldn't be able to pick him/her up, etc., etc... And how would I get through a pregnancy? I talked to my OB/Gyn about it a few years ago and she said that taking pain meds would be up to me. But gave me this thought - some pregnant women do everything WRONG (take drugs, drink, etc.) and have a perfectly healthy baby. Then there are some preg. women who do everything RIGHT (no drugs, no booze, eat right, vitamins, etc.) and have an unhealthy baby. So do you want to give yourself better odds and not take the pain meds?

I wish I had something helpful to say to you - I really just wanted you to know you're not alone in the way you're feeling.

 
Old 09-30-2007, 07:06 PM   #7
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Re: Another post about having children...

[QUOTE=mommy2babies;3234408]Lilly
I soooo know how you are feeling. My screen name is mommy2babies, but they're animal babies.
I'm in my late 30's and permantely disabled from back problems. I want to be a mom so bad I can't hardly stand it, but like you, I feel like if I can't take care of myself and the house, how on earth am I going to take care of a baby? Is it fair to bring a baby into a family where mom can't do the things she should? I wouldn't be able to run and play, wouldn't be able to pick him/her up, etc., etc... And how would I get through a pregnancy? I talked to my OB/Gyn about it a few years ago and she said that taking pain meds would be up to me. But gave me this thought - some pregnant women do everything WRONG (take drugs, drink, etc.) and have a perfectly healthy baby. Then there are some preg. women who do everything RIGHT (no drugs, no booze, eat right, vitamins, etc.) and have an unhealthy baby. So do you want to give yourself better odds and not take the pain meds?

I wish I had something helpful to say to you - I really just wanted you to know you're not alone in the way you're feeling.[/QUOTE]

Mommy2babies, why are you disabled, will you share your story? Since no one in my immediate life can relate to what I am going through, it is so nice, well not nice..but comforting to know that I am not alone and that people my age are going through what I am going through..we are so young to have so much taken away from us. I think it is "fair" to bring a baby into the world if you have a good support system around you. The baby will know how much you love them, whether or not how often you can pick up your child. It won't hurt my back to kiss them : ) I just hope my back issues aren't hereditary.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 06:11 AM   #8
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Re: Another post about having children...

[QUOTE=Lilly66;3234985] I think it is "fair" to bring a baby into the world if you have a good support system around you. The baby will know how much you love them, whether or not how often you can pick up your child. It won't hurt my back to kiss them : ) I just hope my back issues aren't hereditary.[/QUOTE]

Lilly, you are so right! You may not be able to haul your child around on your hip all day, but that doesn't mean you can't be a fantastic mommy! I did a lot of sitting down cuddling with my kids. I did very little floor walking with them. I just couldn't. I found other ways to comfort them that worked for each individual child. I have three wonderful kids, and I can't imagine not having them around!

As far as passing on your problems, well, you can't focus on that. You have no control over what's passed on and what isn't. If everyone decided not to have kids based on what they might pass on, then pretty much no one should ever have kids again! We ALL have something, whether it's diabetes, ADD, a tendency toward alcoholism somewhere in our family, a tendency toward obesity, etc, etc. Of my three kids, two have inherited my problem, but neither is severe like mine. Neither has any pain from it. My daughter hurts only occassionally when she doesn't feel like vacuuming. I finally pointed that out to her and she just grinned. Funny, she hasn't had that problem again. :-) My son's was a bit worse. He wore a brace for a while, but didn't need any further intervention. He has no pain and has a full and active life. All three of my kids have thrived in spite of my problems, and at their young ages (16, 18, and 21) have all made a difference in other people's lives already. I'm very proud of their efforts to make other people's lives better. They have all participated in rebuilding homes for low income families. One son is getting ready to work next summer with Ugandan orphans. One son is preparing to become a marine. I could go on and on, but the point is, NOT having kids because you MIGHT pass something on to them would be cheating yourself and your husband and maybe many, many others!

With a good support system around you, you'll do just fine! I hope you'll be blessed with a whole slew of wonderful kids!

Emily

 
Old 10-01-2007, 08:41 AM   #9
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Re: Another post about having children...

Emily, what a beautifuly reply/post. You're an angel!

 
Old 10-01-2007, 09:35 AM   #10
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Re: Another post about having children...

I think if you are as prepared as can be, you'll be a terrific parent. And given what many of us have been through, we are so aware of all the issues that could impact a child - medical, social, emotional, and so on. Many people raise children creatively and children thrive in families full of love and consistency. They don't require moms and dads who run marathons, vacuum the sofa cushions daily or even carry them piggy back. I am inspired by all of you who have had your children already and those of you who are preparing to. I hope I can join the parenting party someday, too! This support network is really invaluable!

 
Old 10-01-2007, 11:33 AM   #11
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Wink Re: Another post about having children...

[QUOTE=Lilly66;3234985]Mommy2babies, why are you disabled, will you share your story? Since no one in my immediate life can relate to what I am going through, it is so nice, well not nice..but comforting to know that I am not alone and that people my age are going through what I am going through..we are so young to have so much taken away from us. I think it is "fair" to bring a baby into the world if you have a good support system around you. The baby will know how much you love them, whether or not how often you can pick up your child. It won't hurt my back to kiss them : ) I just hope my back issues aren't hereditary.[/QUOTE]

Lilly
Please don't think I mean to imply that it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world when mom is in pain, I was just questioning myself... It's a problem I've been dealing with - you know, that perfect picture in my head of how my family would be. I know it's silly - nothing in life is perfect, I've just had a very hard time letting go of what I thought my life was going to be.

OK, here's my story - I'll try to give the short version, because the long version would take days and quite frankly I don't know if I could remember it all anyway. I hurt my back at work 8 years ago. After a lot of run around from doctors (all of them saying there was nothing really wrong with me) I was sent to a PM and he did a discogram (OMG the pain!) and found that I had 2 severely degenerated discs. Epidurals didn't help, meds were barely taking the edge off, and PT was causing more pain. I had IDET done on both of them (at seperate times because I was in so much pain during the first disc he couldn't do the second). I ended up with a spinal fluid leak and the worst headache you can imagine, but after a blood patch was fine. Months later it was obvious that the IDET hadn't helped and I was sent to a very well respected surgeon to explore my options. He wanted an update discogram (OMG the pain again!) and by then I had 3 severly degenerated discs. My option was to continue pain management because of where the discs are and severity of the damage to them - the surgeon said it would be too dangerous to do surgery and there was a high chance that it would actually cause me more pain. My lawyer was floored, she'd never had a doctor say a patient was so bad that surgery wasn't an option at all. I ended up having a pain pump put in that gives my spine constant meds. and I also take a bunch of oral meds for pain, sleep, muscle spasms, etc.. I was granted permanent and total disablity from Work Comp and Social Security disablity - but not until my husband and I were so strapped for money that we were about a month away from foreclosure on our house when my benefits were finally approved.

I have a wonderful supportive husband (married for 11 years). I lost both of my parents by the time I was in my mid 20's and we just lost my father in-law recently. My mother in-law is great and I have a few dear friends but I don't get to see them very much because of my pain. My brother and his family live in another state. I don't sleep well even though I take meds that are supposed to help. I'm in constant pain, I can only drive a few blocks, I can't sit for long, can't stand for long, can't walk for long, can't lift more than about 10 pounds.

I would love to be a mom and never even thought about that not happening for me. But now, I just don't see how[B] I [/B]could do it. I am in awe of the women who find a way make it happen. Maybe I just don't have the courage What would I be able to offer my child? I understand that being a parent is SO much more than what you are physically able to do, but how could I take care of them if I'm in so much pain all the time? I want to be an unselfish parent and put my child first like my parents did and I don't know if the pain would allow me to do that.

There are times when I feel like such a failure to my husband. He never makes me feel that way, he loves me for me and is more wonderful than I could even try to put into words. But I feel like I've let him down. That biological clock is ticking so loud that before long it's not going to be a choice to not have children, it's going to be too late.

So, that's my story... Thank you for asking. I've needed someone to talk to about this - like you I don't have anyone in my life that can relate to this and it is nice (well, you know what I mean) to have someone that's dealing with the same thing. I'd be glad to talk as much as you want about this. Hopefully we can help the other deal with what we're going through.

Hope you're having a good day!

 
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