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Old 02-17-2009, 08:28 AM   #1
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Unhappy Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

I am going to be having a fusion soon and I am so depressed every day it's impossible.

I'm not good physically now, and who knows if I'm going to be better or worse after this. The days are so long, I can't do anything truly, can't drive or go for a walk just 'maintenance' here and there to exist. Everyone else is running my life, cooking, driving my kids, doing laundry. I just breathe. I can't imagine going through it all over again as I had a failed micro-d that just was impossible pain from prior to surgery, to immediately after surgery for months I was bedridden prior to that surgery. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it again, and even worse of a recovery and limitations.

I can't take crying and wondering where my life is going to wind up anymore it's like a lost cause to me and wonder if I should just stay this way instead of going through even worse and even harder things in life with surgery- and just life itself.

I've been so immobile for so long there isn't anything to help pass the days anymore, and it's only going to get worse. How can anyone go through this again? Recovery was so badd the first time with my surgery, I just truly don't know if I can do it again.

 
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Old 02-17-2009, 11:33 AM   #2
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Rose-
I am so sorry you are feeling so blue. Being in pain ever day and not being able to function like the person we want to be, is sooo hard on us emotionally. I havent had a fusion (yet) but have had two discectomies. The first one I was 19 weeks pregnant and had a 13 month at home. The second was a year later with a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home. I have gone through so many emotions myself over the years. Lately, it's been harder to plug forward and I've spent more time crying than I would like to admit. I know how it feels to watch the world go while you are stuck in bed in pain.

I know you're scared right now about a lot of things. Since I have not had a fusion, I cannot offer you any advice about that. But I can offer you never giving up on hope. This might be the surgery that does help relieve your pain. Sure, it might take a few months to start feeling the benefits, but it might just help you!!! That is what I try to do....grab on to hope where ever I can find it. If I don't, then I would be stuck in bed crying all day long.

Are you seeing a psychologist? I started seeing one a couple months ago and he is really helping me with all these emotions I have dealing with my chronic pain.

Good luck!

 
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Old 02-17-2009, 01:10 PM   #3
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

I am so with you. I have not had surgery yet but I am to the point where I can barely take care of myself let alone my 17 month old. I feel like I have become such a burden on everyone. My meds help the pain but make me so tired and nauseas and out of it and I hate taking them. I sleep a lot now. I had to cancel a play date this morning because the pain was too severe today, and I know my daughter really would have had such a wonderful time. I have also been thinking about seeing a psychologist, but I don't think I could afford one right now, even if insurance covered most of it.
I really hope that your surgery is the answer to your prayers and gives you your life back. I want my life back so much right now!

Take care

 
Old 02-17-2009, 02:33 PM   #4
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Roses, I have had three back operations and on Mon., Feb. 23, is my fourth. It's a complicated surgery at L4-L5. I have had an anterior fusion at L5-S1. I know all about being depressed and anxiety the day of surgery. Try some deep breathing exercises and talk with your loved ones who are coming to the hospital with you prior to surgery. Make sure you convey your apprehension and worries to your Surgeon AND to the Anesthesia team, both of whom will meet with you prior to surgery. I have always been pre-medicated through my I.V. line prior to being taken to the O.R. It really does help. Just keep talking to your family/friends and you will be home in no time.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 03:18 PM   #5
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Smile Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

hang in there try to think positive. if you go into the surgery positive you will have better recovery studies show. invision good surgery and coming home and a good recovery. dont worry about what u cant change. god will take care of you.

 
Old 02-18-2009, 02:53 PM   #6
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Thanks so much everyone it's just so hard to haveto get surgery yet again, it's only been 4 months since my last one it's just too much.

I have no way to get anywhere and have my mom n bf running amuck as it is now for my kids, dr appts and shopping/school. I can't get to see anyone I'm a burdon enough.

I just hope its sooner than later or I'm not going to find it in myself to do it. Some days are just terrible and other tolerable and I'm so sick of doing absolutely nothing stirr crazy with no way out.

Lets hope it does fix this finally, as I'm at my witts end with all of these back issues.

 
Old 02-18-2009, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Oh Rose,

You do sound very, very down. You're going through a hard time and being sad and depressed is completely normal - to an extent. Try not to worry about driving your kids, or laundry or cooking - you have your health to worry about right now.

The surgery will be tough, and I don't think you should go into it if you're already feeling so sad. Try talking to someone - a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, Priest, Rabbi etc. There are lots of people who can help you with your emotions and give you some guidance. Perhaps some Anti-depressants would be an option too, to help you through the pre and post surgery blues.

Best of luck to you, and I hope you feel better. Please try and find some help for yourself, or even just someone to talk to. Being in that dark, depressed place is truly miserable and you don't deserve that.

Take care,

XOXO!
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Old 02-18-2009, 07:19 PM   #8
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Thanks so much Bekk I am going to see if someone can bring me to my reg dr and maybe he can put me on antidepressants. It's just too much with everything and I know it's only going to get worse once I get surgery and haveto go through all that too.

I just don't have it in me, I try, but it fades and then I'm a crying mess again.

I got hurt helping an old lady, so she didn't fall. And I swear there's days I wish I did let her fall, and GOD that's not me at all. I always helped everyone and now I cant help myself.
That's the worst of it. She went home safe and sound, and I'm facing a 2nd surgery. It's just too much.

 
Old 02-18-2009, 08:01 PM   #9
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

hope u feel better soon, i know what its like to wake up everday in pain, it gets u down and depressed, your not alone. try to get in touch with your higher power, gods gonna help ya. i agree with the other person try to get some meds for depression. this is more than 1 should have to handl.

 
Old 02-19-2009, 10:57 AM   #10
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Hi Roses....well from personal experience only I too have experienced some bouts of depression during my recovery. I believe it likely started earlier, before my surgery, but not to the extent it is or has been during my recovery. It isn't abnormal to feel nervous, scared and depressed when you aren't able to live a "normal" life......ie; do everything you did before having back pain. Back pain is very limiting and until one experiences it, they will not know just how limiting it is. My husband noticed I was starting to sleep all the time and not wanting to interact with anyone....I felt like I was "wallowing" in my own pain.... that was a wake up call to me because I didn't really realize it at the time, but looking back and thinking about my behavior I know he was right.

Since then I have tried to stay positive and have reached out on this board. I know I may still be clinically depressed, but I think it is par for the course with a major surgery or major disability such as back pain.

Hang in there. This board has some awesome people on it and has really been a life savor for me. I hope this helped you a little, know that you aren't alone in your struggle and try to keep your head up.

Take care.
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Old 02-19-2009, 12:36 PM   #11
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Please read my post. I just put it up there about surgery and what to expect post surgery. I think you might be amazed...I know I sure am. First and foremost I think getting on a antidepresant will help. I am on one myself. Cymbalta is even said to help with pain management at a certain level which you will have to discuss with a medical professional. It sounds like you are more advanced than me I just had one level but it was bone on bone and extremely messed up. From what the doctor said, it was long overdue. Anyway, please take care of yourself the anxiety prior to surgery can eat at you. It is painful but well worth it. I pray that you will find the light that I am.

Take care!!!

 
Old 02-20-2009, 12:09 PM   #12
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Roses, I'm so sorry things have gotten so tough for you. You're reaching out to us for help because you're so deep in that pit. Been there, done that!!!!

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

I hope you can talk to your doctor. Chronic pain is a major reason for depression. I took it for so long without admitting, even to myself, that I couldn't handle it. I finally reached the breaking point and called to make an appt with my family doctor. He walked into the room and cheerfully said, "hey, I don't think I've seen you since your last surgery. How did it go?" And I immediately burst into tears. I proceeded to cry for the next 10 minutes, explaining how hard it is to realize that even though my surgeries were a success, I'm always going to have pain and I'm going to slowly continue to deteriorate. He was so understanding! He put me on Cymbalta. I've had virtually no side effects from it, and it has changed my life! It's the only antidepressant that actually also helps with pain relief. I feel like a different person. I only wish I had asked for help sooner!

Even if it's just temporary for you until you have your surgery and get through some recovery time, there's no shame in asking for some help for the emotional side of chronic pain!

Chronic pain stinks. Period.

Please let us know how you're doing. You're in my thoughts!

Emily

 
Old 02-20-2009, 03:52 PM   #13
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Thanks so much I cry on every time someone posts back its so hard.
I try to explain to my bf but he just yells at me to stop with the negative attitude. I say do you know if I fell in a lake I'd drown? my legs don't work I couldn't kick to stay afloat? Did you know I'm up all night? Did you know that I can't recall being ABLE to do things anymore I've been hurt so long? Did you know I can't fathom how people on the shows do the jumps and stunts they do because I know there's no possible way my body could do it? The list goes on and it just gets worse and worse. I keep having nightmares from when I got hurt, I drempt of my old manager that I loved and woke in tears. It's just too hard. And now I haveto go through another surgery thats even (I guess who knows since I reherniated even bigger than last time immediately) harder, and I don't have it in me anymore. Half the time I hope I die during surgery. I don't have a life. I can't go for a walk down the street because I know I'll be in too much pain by the time I want to turn back and I won't be able to get back home. I just hate it. I keep a smile on my face for my kids, and for everyone around me they're running amuck so crazy all the time because of me being stuck like this I dread asking to find even more time in their busy schedules to try to get me to the dr let alone my bf just tells me to toughen it up. Like trying to walk and take a shower isn't me toughening up? I can't take much more.

There I vented. lol. I dont know if it feels better or not but I'm so mad to be stuck like this from helping someone else. I truly am.

Last edited by marshrose; 02-20-2009 at 03:53 PM.

 
Old 02-21-2009, 12:52 AM   #14
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

I also couldn't drive, was sleeping on the floor, couldn't sit and was in complete agony 24/7 prior to the surgery. Walking was killing me. I also suffer from depression and take zoloft. It has made an amazing difference in my attitude. I think you should tell your dr how you feel and see what he/she suggests. I also think you will be surprised at how you feel after the surgery. In my case the back pain was gone and even though I had the pain from surgery - it was an improvement. It has taken almost a year but I can walk 4 miles, and although I have nerve pain in my lower right leg - I can see that in time it will also disappear. I really think the worse time is the weeks before the surgery not after. You need a really big hug - take care of yourself.

 
Old 02-21-2009, 11:20 PM   #15
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Re: Depression BEFORE surgery, what am I going to do AFTER?

Awwwww Roses....Big hugs girl! I can relate to you, I hear every word you are saying, I have some of those same feelings and have to try to hold it together for my kids too.

I just wanted to send some hugs, hang in there ok. We are all here for you!
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