I read another thread on this and really didn't see the answer to my question, so I thought I would start another and hopefully get an answer.
For you fusion veterans, when were you able to do It again? My back was so effed up, I had a broken vertebrae, spondelothesis, (sp?) and am still blessed with stenosis. I'm 9 weeks post op tomorrow. I had L3, L4 and L5 fused, and lamenectomy.
Today I see the doc, and I'm going to ask him. The truth is I am so scared. I am afraid hubby is going to break my back, or mess up the fusion. He's a big guy: 250 pounds. I'm not a light weight, I'm 5'9" and 180, but still. I want the doctor to answer my "when" question with "not for a while". Please don't suggest we do it with me on top because..
Another truth: I don't care if I ever have sex again in my life. I've had 2 knee replacements, breast cancer and now this.
Everywhere I look I read you should have intimacy once a week. ONCE A WEEK ARE YOU NUTS? How about once a year?
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Perhaps you'll be able to get a specific answer from your surgeon, but often after the six week check-up, they'll say something vague like "when you feel up to it" or "if it hurts, don't do it."
I assume you had hardware. If so, it is designed to withstand a small impact...and is stronger than you might assume...but, on the other hand, after going through all that surgery, who wants to risk it?
A multi-level fusion is more risky and it can take longer to heal...and remember that it will take a good year for the new bone to set up and become strong...even though you may hear you are "fused" earlier, you still need to be very careful during that first year.
The Following User Says Thank You to teteri66 For This Useful Post: kcsgator (12-03-2011)
I've never had surgery for my back, but I can relate to your pain. I too feel that if given the option to opt out of sex- at this point in my life I would. I have had back issues for 5 or so years now, and I totally hate the idea of sex- as I know in the end I will suffer for 3-4 days following with severe spasms in my lower back and leg. Not to mention the pain I will endure, during the actual act.
I will tell you, that given what you've been through already- I think it would be safe to say " you need a break, to stop and just take care of YOU ". What is your husband opinion on this, or need I ask ? There are things that he can do, to help him through this time. It's not the same, I know- but do they really NEED it, or is it that they just really WANT it? Self love - it's been around for centuries LOL- he'll survive I'm sure. This isn't a good topic in my house at this point, but believe me- I JUST DON"T CARE !! I've had chronic lumbar and cervical pain , along with severe leg pain for close to 2 1/2 years non stop- Sex is the farthest thing on my mind. I know if the tables were turned, their attutude would be much different- Lord knows most of them can't handle a little bit of pain- let alone pain 24/7. I hope you get some of the ppl on here, that have gone through a fursion- to give you some of their advise- this site is wonderful in that aspect- everyone here is willing to offer some very helpful advise- and complete understanding to your concerns. I wish you well , and hope that what ever you do- that you consider YOUR needs above all else
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[COLOR="Navy"]I am fused from T9-sacrum, so I have had a little experience in this matter. I too, could have cared less if we ever did it again. In fact if the future of the world depended on it I would still have had to think about it!
That being said, I was 6 months post surgery before we had sex again. The best way is still the missionary position for you. that was you are flat on your back and that takes of keeping you stable. Let your hubby do the work this time. Just be still. Because I had two surgeries in a week, I am numb in that important area because they cut the nerves twice and they never reconnected. My hubby insists that it's in my head, but I am still numb there after 6 years. And I have been told that what is numb after this long will stay numb. sigh.
Even though your doctor may be embarressed to answer your question, he will. It's too bad they don't give women a year off pass.....[/COLOR]
yeah, he the doc, gave me the go ahead. which resulted in the shifty eyebrow thing from hubby. i am 80% healed already at 9 weeks post op. but i still feel so fragile... he's just going to have to accept "no" for a while. does anyone know where men's "off" switch is?
[COLOR="Navy"]LOL.....if you find it, let me know. Even with the "it hurts" he's still like a _______________. Can't think of anything polite enough to put in there! I swear, they really don't care how much we hurt! At least allergy season has slowed him down for awhile.....
Good luck! Tell him you have a new exercise that you have to keep your knees together as long as it is dark/or you are in bed.....[/COLOR]
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[QUOTE=ibake&pray;4735497][COLOR="Navy"]I am fused from T9-sacrum, so I have had a little experience in this matter. I too, could have cared less if we ever did it again. In fact if the future of the world depended on it I would still have had to think about it!
LOL- you sound like me - I totally give you credit, cause I wouldn't even consider it after surgery. I would be scared as hell that something would go wrong. I've gone so far as to have my back go into spasm during this act, and do you think he would stop ??? no he has to make sure he gets what he came for I'm so sorry that you've been through so much, how do you manage? I hate it when anyone says " it's in our head " that is such a huge cop out on their part. Blame us for it, cause it's so much easier than actually trying to understand what it is that we are truly feeling. I would give anything to be at the point I was at before I got hurt- none of us choose this- who in their right mind would choose to live with severe chronic pain over living with out it and having a normal life.
(QUOTE)ibake&pray .if you find it, let me know. Even with the "it hurts" he's still like a _______________. Can't think of anything polite enough to put in there! I swear, they really don't care how much we hurt! At least allergy season has slowed him down for awhile..... ( QUOTE)
OMG- It seems the more I read, the more I realize that I'm not alone in this. Why does it matter sooooo much to them to have it- don't they CARE at all what they put us through ? I would never put the one I love through pain and fear, just so that I could get off. I hope for your sake that allergy season last a bit longer this year
If I where you, I still would hold out till I felt that I was ready. By chance would your NS be a male- again I believe that "most" men just don't understand - nor do they care too as this would mean that they would have to agree with us and WAIT. 9 weeks isn't long enough in my book- plz wait till you feel comfortable with it. And to answer your ?- I don't believe there is such a switch, cause if there was a way to turn them off- there would truly be millions of them out there finding out what it feels like to " go without". - at that point, they could say they have been [B]deprived[/B]- they don't know the meaning of the word !!!! I give all of you credit, I don't have any desire for it, and I'm always in pain- I can't immagine going through the surgery, and having him start the I NEED BS while I'm just starting to feel good. Someone needs to find the " I NEED KILL SWITCH " and pass on the info to all of us LOL
Well hope your feeling better soon, and that you can keep him restrained for a bit longer. Take care of yourself
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The following user gives a hug of support to Brnt2acrisp: KarenLynnn (04-20-2011)
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I made it through last night without any requests... woo hoo! I hate that I don't feel like sex any more, but man, I've had 2 knee replacements with breast cancer in between getting each knee done, chemo and radiation AND this damn spinal fusion, AND I'm 54 (hot cold hot cold hot cold) I get that they need it and really my hubby says sex is secondary and means it, he doesn't nag me often therefore when he does want it I have to give it and the last time I just felt like a receptacle or night depository ... aye carumba!
The following user gives a hug of support to KarenLynnn: lilac100 (04-21-2011)
Right there with you ladies. My drive took a road trip after my hysterectomy and never came back. Even if my back wasn't jacked sex is painful because I don't have any hormones. I've tried talking to my gyno and he understands but we've tried many things without any results. As for the sex after fusion, yes I've done it. It didn't break my back I do get "sore" for a few days. More back spasms and persistent pain. It's worth it. I love my husband, and if it meant a lifetime of pain for him I would do it. Really wish we had advanced robotics, you know a sex robot. That way it wouldn't really be cheating and we would both be happy.
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[QUOTE=lilac100;4736287]Right there with you ladies. As for the sex after fusion, yes I've done it. It didn't break my back I do get "sore" for a few days. More back spasms and persistent pain. It's worth it. I love my husband, and if it meant a lifetime of pain for him I would do it. Really wish we had advanced robotics, you know a sex robot. That way it wouldn't really be cheating and we would both be happy.[/QUOTE]
I love my husband too, but not enough to bring the pre-surgery pain back, or even a few days of spasms. Not a chance, and he probably would feel like **** if we did the deed and the next few days I was gasping in pain. I guess I love myself more than the idea of risking hurting myself for sex. He watched me gasp with the shooting sciatica pains all that time feeling helpless... it wasn't a great time for either of us. Now that I am almost there, almost over the hurdle, just a few months away (ok more than a few months) from being the old Karen again... without pain, I just won't risk it.
I just read this thread and I am so happy I did. I am 43 and 3.5 months post two level lumbar fusion surgery. My husband..... well, lets just say he would be happy if we had sex every single day and his mood is ruled by how often he gets it. Don't get me wrong, he is a great husband and father and does more around the house than his fair share. He does all of the laundry!!! All I had to do is ruin a load once and that was it, I have not touched it since. He does all of the outside work and coaches our sons in baseball. So, I am riddled with this guilt that I don't care on inkling about sex anymore. I used to have the most hungry libido too. Now, I am like you girls, I could care less if I ever had sex again. I hate to feel that way, I have like 100% lack of libido! There should be some drug for this or something. I am the mother of two (or three if you include my husband) boys aged 9, 11, and 42. I work full time, and between being a mom and a career worman, I have no energy left for anything, let alone sex! Wow it feels so good to just get this out! We are def not alone. Why did God make men so incredibly different than women when it comes to sex?
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Perhaps to keep the population at least somewhat under control...prior to birth control??
I wonder if it is the months or years of chronic pain leading up to the surgery, or the hormonal changes that occur with general anesthesia, or if others who haven't had health problems and surgeries feel the same.... I guess we could ask Suzanne Somers...
The Following User Says Thank You to teteri66 For This Useful Post: KarenLynnn (04-21-2011)
I have had L-2 to L-5 Fused and I too lack the desire for sex right now. But it will return. It makes me sad to hear that people never want to have sex again or are wanting to find the off switch for their mate. Sex is part of a marriage, not the most important part or even in the top 5, but it's part of feeling close to your spouse. I think it's somewhat selfish to shut down and ignore the feelings of your partner. If you truly never want to have sex and to just be left alone, then get a divorce and your wish will be granted. Get a cat and an enhanced cable t.v subscription. I can imagine a million ways to have sex without the traditional missionary style hop on and hop off way. If you truly love your mate, make an effort, or find yourself alone. That's my two cents.