LoveMyWay71

I am in a depression now. I have been diagnosed with depression and ocd. For the most part I am ok... I am a compulsive shopper... shopping to fill the voids in my life.. doesn't really work. I have been depressed for the last 2 weeks I would say. I just moved back home, I am 32 and I was renting a room in an apartment. I moved back home because my dad is having hip replacement surgery on the 19th of this month. I moved back home 9/1/03. I have moved back to a place where growing up I felt a lot of shame, so I isolate in my house here when I am not at work or hanging out with some friends sometimes. I am overweight and have been all my life and was teased in this small town about it, if you weren't a jock or amongst the popular crowd and were overweight u were made fun of. I should mention I am a compusive overeater as well. I never had any really popular boyfriends, the guys I was interested were really not interested in me. I have a decent job, but inside in my head I feel like it is a mess. I have never been married, and I don;t have any kids, and I feel like my time clock is ticking. I am not even close to either being married or kids... My head is such a mess, due to my ocd. I have to issues of ocd.. that I am gay and that I have a severe mental illness. I have had both of these issues of ocd since I was 17. They seem to come out when I am scared or don't want to face my true feelings about something. The change in the seasons have also effected my mood... I am waiting for this depression to lift. I take prozac and trazadone and have been on them for a long time... 5 years... I am also living in the past with some past relationships that pain me to think about them,I had a best friend who I just drifted away from due to our lifestyles. He is gay and I was in love with him, and I was soooooooooooooooo co-dependent to the point where I couldn't do it anymore, I needed to find my identity outside of him, and he was into clubing and drinking an I just needed to find myself. So we just drifted away. I miss him 5 years later and It hurtssssssssssssss so much . I have tried contacting him with no luck, I heard he got into drugs and that just devistated me. but in any event, I wrote on this board because I suffer from depression, and sometimes I am just fine. I get into a depression usually this time of year due to other things that happened in my life. but for the most part I feel fine. I can laugh, enjoy life and get by..... I have never been diagnosed with bi-polar but I am affraid I have it.. thanks so much for listening.