I have done something awfull - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

funkybreaks · 11-11-2003, 03:36 AM

I did something bad yesterday morning. Im not even sure why I did it. I was not angrey, just feeling weird. I slashed my arms up with a very sharp kitchen knife. It just kept bleeding. I went and got my boyfriend who was sleeping and he initially wanted to take me to the hospital in case I needed stitches. I would not let him do that. so we taped it up and later I took the tape off and let the blood run down my arm untill it stoped. there are now little drops of blood all over the carpet that have yet to be cleaned When I woke up today (yesterday) at 11pm I felt like ****. I have closed up the major wound with butterfly closures and tape and neosporin. the other arm is guazed and taped as well. I dont know why I did this. I hate myself for doing it. does anyone have any suggestions. I dont want to go back to the mental hospital. I want to stop crying on the inside. J.

2SarniesShort · 11-11-2003, 04:08 AM

funky breaks,
we've all done crazy things like this. There is a whole thread on this which i will find and "bump" up for you.
If you are sure that the bleeding has stopped than you probably don't need to go and get sutured. But look out for any infection setting in.

You probably need to speak to your shrink or similar person about this. get some drugs, mood stabilisers or something. There's a good chance they won't hospitalise you if you have come through the worst of this episode already and have a supportive partnerand /or family.

If you are feeling suicidal then you need to see someone, but a lot of us don't self mutilate for that reason. Check out the self mutilation strand ( and keep checking in).
I'm sure some of the guys here will be able to give you much better emotional support than I. (I'm not very good at this sort of thing: but I do care)

PollyPrissyPants · 11-11-2003, 07:43 AM

hi funky breaks....were there any triggers that you can recognize that started you thinking of cutting?? maybe a dull mood where you felt numb?? i know for myself, i usually cut myself either from feeling too numb and insignificant or when the emotional pain is so great i need physical pain to take the focus away from my mind....if you feel at all worried you might do this again, then you might want to seek out someone to talk with....i'm usually so shamed after i cut myself that i know the cutting wont be repeated anytime soon....hmmmmmm...could it be that i feel really awful about myself but since i cant figure out why i feel like a bad person, i have to do something bad to justify my lack of self worth??
i hate to see people struggle w/ this as i do...i know how disturbing it can be....keep an eye on the cuts and keep them clean ...good thing it's long sleeve weather huh???
PPP~~~

funkybreaks · 11-11-2003, 08:05 AM

I am not tottaly sure what triggered this. it could be that I was drinking beer and I had also taken more of my meds than I am supposed to (lamictal, effexor). I guess sometimes I like to test my mortality. sometimes I feel like I will not die for much longer than most people like I am a real living creature of the night. I love dark movies and gore websights. It is like a reminder of how the world really is. sometimes I just want to know that I am here that I alone can controle my life and death. I was not trying to die just to bleed and look upon the dark dripping fluid in a way that most people freek out. It is almost a power trip for me it is mine and no one but me can take it from me. I have no intentions of telling my dr (I dont have a phycologist at this time). the people on this forum are the only ones who understand me. I am tired of health care professionals looking at me like Im a basket case. I embrace what I am, I embrace not being like them! to me they are all just numbers, the living dead. while I am in hell sometimes at least I live. I cannot promise that I dont feel a sence of power through all this. J.