Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

schragie · 11-13-2003, 08:42 PM

Hi again! I am BP2, 35 years old and have resisted this diagnosis for some time. In the past 10 years I have had about 6 clinical depressions and several hypomanic bouts. I'm married to a wonderful man who is supportive of me and this problem and I have a good job, albeit a very stressful one. What stinks is that I have repeatedly gone off my meds because I don't want to be bipolar. I have gone over a year with no medication and then I have an episode and go back on. Since I have taken these drugs (mostly depakote but sometimes Effexor as well), I've gotten fat as well--I'm about 50 pounds overweight. While I know the drugs help stabilize me, I can't help but think that I can beat this on my own.

At the very least, I have gotten good at noticing symptoms (and my husband helps monitor this) and know when I need treatment. I am so embarrassed of this label--I have two siblings with severe mental illness (an older brother who is schizoaffective and a twin with BP1) and I want so much NOT to be like them. All I want is a normal life and for the most part I have been lucky. Somehow I equate the medication with the illness and I think that is why I keep stopping it. If I can do without the meds, then it means that I'm not sick.

Has anyone else had the experience of denying that they have this illness? Anyone else with major drug compliance issues?

Thanks for reading,
Schragie

Lisa

PollyPrissyPants · 11-13-2003, 09:16 PM

hi...you've got company...i have taken myself off my meds several times...the latest one 5 months ago and i'm still off them....i just dont like relying on drugs to keep me stable...i think i should be able to do that myself...problem is, i can't...i know somewhere down the road i will have another "episode" and decide maybe drugs werent so bad....
its easy to feel they are no longer needed when you're feeling better...sad thing is, just because we feel better doesnt mean were cured...i just hate the side effects, the dr appts and the cost of the meds (my insurance wont cover them)...most of the time my disorder is easier to deal with than all the falderal involved in treatment...
PPP~~~

Curls22 · 11-13-2003, 09:19 PM

My psychiatrist always suggests lithium, but i always turn it down mainly because of the stigma that goes along with it. I dont want to be the way people think people are who need lithium. I understand what you are saying.

scrags · 11-13-2003, 09:29 PM

yeah when i first started getting treated i got put on lithium and some ssri that i can't even remember now i stuck it out for a while then i flipped out becuase the doc was a quack, i didn't need the meds(or so i thought) nor were they working, and i wasn't even bi-polar(yeah right). How stupid was she. So I tortured everyone around me and drank myself to numbness for a few years. my depression and rage finally got me to go to what i feel is a good psychologist. i'm still having troble with my meds and on the few occations that i feel good i think i don't need all this stuff but i know i do. so in conclussion the one i always hear is think of yourself like a diabetic if you don't take you meds you are going to cause yourself problems maybe even die and that's silly. and if it helps try and think of them as vitamins sounds silly i know but it worked for me for some time. hope this helped a bit.

scrags

HoosierBj · 11-14-2003, 07:30 AM

Count on me to be the REALLY crazy one!!!
I started having problems when I was 13 but wasn't correctly diagnosed til I was 30. BP1. You can imagine that I had a real "interesting life" in between those years...
So, when I got my diagnosis I was actually thrilled.
Finally, it had a name and some treatment so I wouldn't have live my life being afraid of what I would do, say, feel.
I went on lithium in 1985 and have been on it ever since.